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Friday, October 11, 2019

AFI's Greatest Alternate Remakes

(Like Gov. Christy, "We spoof in the spirit of Spooner.")

In this sequel to Citizen Kane, Charles Foster's bastard son, 
Christopher, continues to search for the meaning behind his
father's mysterious final word. Failing to discover it, the poor 
boy is eventually institutionalized. 
     The film is called Kit Is Insane.

As variant to his groundbreaking On the Waterfront, Elia 
Kazan's new production portrays life in and around the world 
of horse racing experienced by Edie Doyle's younger sister, 
an unattractive but plucky dwarfling. 
     Elia calls his latest film Wanda, Odd Turf Runt.

With production of Wanda well under way, cinebuffs learned 
that a Mexican film company is developing an animated sequel 
to Kazan's classic which will relate the adventures of a young 
Chicano lad who escapes LA gang life to become A&R 
man for a group of performing sea mammals living and working 
in the waters off the Baja Peninsula. 
     Planned for a Christmas holiday release and suitable for all 
audiences, the movie is called Juan the Otter Front.

In so-called Wuthering Heights II, Heathcliff and Cathy depart 
the Yorkshire moors for a West Indies sugar plantation where 
they spend their remaining years harassing a native population 
held by them in bondage. 
     The working title of this sequel is Hovering Whites.

In re-envisioning The Maltese Falcon as a biopic, documentary 
film makers feature journalist Muggeridge playing himself and 
claiming full responsibility for Original Sin. 
     The film is called The Fault? 'Tis Malcolm's.

This made-for-TV feature takes a U-turn from its model, 
The Grapes of Wrath. In the revision, Grampa Joad, after dying 
of the drug overdose administered to him by his family, returns 
from the dead to confront Tom, Rose of Sharon and the others, 
ultimately convincing the lot to eighty-six their trip to California 
in favor of emigration to Bar Harbor, Maine. 
     Rated R for language, the film is called The Wraith of Gramps.

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