O, Captains! (Past)

      Aye, aye! (Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!)

O, Captains (America,
Blood, Zero, Earth…):
thou be nowt if not captains 

courageous.
     Sev'ral captains, however
(there's never a dearth),
prove, on inquiry, captains 

outrageous. 
     Might not each, switching ships
(here's an alphabet's worth), 
change the universe…? Ponder 

these pages!

What if Ahab had captain'd,
instead of his Pequod, 
a carrack call’d Santa 

Maria…?

     Then would Native Americans
sigh with relief 
at the found'ring of "Chris's 

Idea"…?

     And would hunting white whales,
like all searches for grails,
now be hail’d as more fail’d pan-

acea…?

What if HMS Bounty'd
been captain’d by Beefheart 
instead of by 

officer Bligh,
     would its mutineers,
rather than take to Tahiti, 
have open’d a 

bar in Dubai…?
     And would Fletcher've been play’d
not by Gable or Brando
but some fa-a-a-ar less 

self-absorb’d guy…?

If Endeavour'd been captain’d,
instead of by Cook, 
by one Cap'n Horatio 

Crunch,
     then would Botany Bay
be one stop, since that day, 
on some serial cereal 

brunch...?
     And would Cook's tours be publicized
"Crunch Tours" instead...?
It’s a good bet they would. (Just my 

hunch.) 

If the schooner We're Here
had, as pilot, Der Captain
of "Hans-und-Fritz" fame –
nor not Disko,
     then would young Harvey Cheyne
have become Mama's bane
and migrated from Glouce-

ster to Frisco,

     where, no longer a kid,
he'd do scenes in a vid,
playing Pancho to some
sordid Cisco…? 

What if ace Captain Eddie's
belov'd Flying Fortress 
became Captain Eo's
space vessel,
     then would World War II
prove but minor ado, 
scrub’d when Ed asks Herr Adolf:
"Who'll wrestle!"…?
     Or would spacetime get bent,
with Ed's UFO sent
back in time to snuff young Geor-

gie Jessel…?

What if Flint and his Walrus
became SS Feathersword 
and its eponymous
captain…?
     Would the foremention’d Feathersword
balk at the switch, crying,
"No bloody way I'm a=

daptin'!"…?
     And would Captain Fantastic,
with no ship at all, 
of a sudden start speaking Sa-

haptian…? 

What if George -- "Captain Seafood" –
would try to usurp
Captain Gantu's Galactic
Armada…?
     Would not Lilo and Stitch
knuckle under and snitch…? 
What would happen…? In fact, next 

to nada:
     George would grant Gantu's wish
and serve everyone fish
with a side of baked beans, blah-

de-blah-dah... 

What if Hook's Jolly Roger
(which once was The Wasp)
were by Hornblower re-christen'd 

Sutherland…?
     Then would Captain Horatio,
thereby bereft, 
with no ship to return to the 

motherland,
     taunt Herge's Captain Haddock,
"You've no ship as well…?
Must we both end our days in some 

other land…?"…?

What if Captain Insano
had thrown in the towel
crying, “Please, take the con, Captain 

Janeway!”…?
     Then might Kate clear her throat,
don some admiral’s coat,
and observe, “That’s a rather in-

ane way
     to a title defend.
‘Jan…u…a…reee-e-e-e…! Girlfriend!’”
(Calling Kibbee’s a much less in-

sane way.*)
    
     * Guy Kibbee played January
to Shirley Temple’s Star in the film
bearing his character’s name.
 
What if Captain James Kirk
(Mr. Spock does the work)
turn’d the Enterprise 

over to Kidd…?
     What if Kidd, for his part
(Kidd was never that smart)
fail’d to fix on what 

Kirk and Spock did…?

     And what if all three
handed over the key
in a Kangaroo
takeover bid…?
 
And, speaking of “Trek,”
I’m remiss not to check
what a captain like
Lorca* might do
     in a universe which –
if you’ll pardon my kitsch –
is unlike that in
which me and you,
     were we captains like him,
might inspect, on a whim,
the behavior of
Romulan Hugh.*
 
     * Both characters appear 

in certain episodes of TNG.

 
     (a work in progress)
 
     Here are a few of culture’s captains
who might figure in future verses:
Marvel
Morgan
Nemo
Obvious
Picard
Queeg
Ron 
Sisco
Sparrow
Spaulding
Teague
Underpants
Von Trapp
White
Xavier
Yuri
Yamato
Zoom
Zack