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Saturday, July 30, 2022

Spooner's War or The Cruelest Month

As struck the hour on April one 
of '17, the German lines
were breach'd: an Anglo-Irish doughboy 
cross'd a field awash in mines
to storm a nest of German guns, 
destroying it and sev'ral Huns.
This tommy trekk'd to diff'rent tunes. 
(He died that ev'ning from his wounds.)
      Five o'clock / Clive O'Fahque

Friday, July 29, 2022

Broken Rec-...-ken Rec-...-ken Rec-...

Hey, diddle did-... 
   till our nanny, Miss Bid-
dle, with emphases brit-
   tle, whilst splattering spit-

tle, claims, boil'd on a grid-
   dle, two jots plus a tit-
tle (admittedly, lit-
   tle) of ink from a squid-

'll attenuate pid-
   dle -- as li'l Alice Lid-
dell (who's caught in the mid-
   dle) in lieu of acquit-

tal rephrases her rid-
   dle. Who'll laugh...? Perhaps Syd-
'll...till cats with a fid-
   dle cause cows to embrit-

tle the moon.
         

Monday, July 25, 2022

Carroll's Snark-Hunting Bellman Does Impressions of the Impressionists

One night only (for obvious reasons)

Before tracking snark, Carroll's man makes his mark
doing droll imitations, on stage,
of La Belle France art whizzes -- some Misters, some Mses.
His pageantry...? Thought all the rage.

For his Mary Cassatt, he lies bare dans a cot, 
keeping poppets -- a pair -- near to hand. 
This tableau vivant's best when one babe's at each breast. 
Oui: he's one of “les trois ladies grand.” ** 

* For line three, some mss substitute "With a
tot on each tit his routine proves a hit."
** The other two being, according to journalist
Gustave Geffroy, Berthe Morisot (for whom see below)
and Marie Bracquemond.

As he channels Cezanne, stuff he's drawn (notes one fan)
mirrors cylinders, spheroids 'n' cones.
Jabbing brushes, he pokes, stabbing tabular strokes
splatt'ring multichromatical tones.

Aping B. Morisot dans manteau apropos,
he rehearses with nurse's simplicity.
Noticed drawing her bath, he incarnates her path --
the one fost'ring French fam'ly felicity.

He Degas does as well. Grabbing pad and pastel,
he gives chasse toward a classical dancer.
Finding sev'ral, he renders 'em -- heavy 'n' slender, them.
(Why...? The poor guy has no answer.)

Those who've seen his Monet always "'Atta boy!" say
when très gay stacks of hay he's seen miming.
The success of his act he imputes to the fact
that he wields such intractable timing.

His finale's unique -- if, on balance, quite bleak.
Post this bit, very little remains.
Cocking Glock, he makes show, aping Vincent van Gogh,
to (conclusively) blow out his brains.

Sunday, July 24, 2022

New Spooners (11)

Bio penn'd by Robert Graves.
Gruesome gram: your gams rate raves.
     Goodbye to All That / Good thigh to ol' bat

Re hoofers, who're ya trustin,' mister...?
Ma mere births, yet I've no sister.
     In Fred Astaire / Instead, a frere

Isaac thinks it thinks it thinks.
Can't you see your boyfriend stinks...?
     I, Robot / Eye beau rot

Song in which sapience takes a vacation.
Might he risk fording our fortification? 
     Mairzy doats / Dares he moats...? 

Cocktail never made with rum.
Mark Twain's Huckleberry's cum. 
     Gin fizz / Finn jiz

Word to tag espousal cheaten'. 
Question re maize -- whether eaten.  
     Fornicate / "Corn, if ate..."

Pharaoh: let our water through!
They'll get Drumpf. (They'll get you, too).
     The Aswan Dam / Thee, as Don: Wham!

Crunch all you want.
Threatens U Thant.
     We'll make more / "Me'll wake war"

Scenic Golden Gate Bridge site.
Former Dublin mayor's fight.
     Frisco bay / Briscoe fray

Cuppa joe with milk or cream.
NASA's punchline is a scream.
     Cafe au lait / Laugh...? AOK!

'Tis timed to the sun... 
not the moonlight, eh, Hon...? *
     Sooner or later / 'tain't lunar, our seder

     * Sooner or later (or Spooner or ladle),
initials exchange -- ala graveyard to cradle.
                                                             -- Anon

Entomb me in Great Plains location.
Get gay on reclining Asian
     Bury me on the lone prairie / Merry be on the prone Lei Ree

Scenic Golden Gate Bridge site.
Former Dublin mayor's fight.
     Frisco bay / Briscoe fray

Cuppa joe with milk or cream.
My next anecdote's a scream.
     Cafe au lait / Laugh, eh...? Okay...?

A Mycenaean ruin. 
Colbert and what he's doin’.
     Lion Gate / Guy on late

A further three minutes in prize fight with you. 
Count out the beats: "...an' a one an' a two..."    
     Second round / Reckon'd sound

Cowhands (defunct) herd to sound of guitars. 
Emcees of sarcasms levell'd at stars.
     Ghost riders / Roast guiders

Your sib's asleep; it ain't no nap.
The options you prefer...? All crap!
Your brother's drunk / Your druthers...? Bunk!

Perhaps new ways to steal.
Brit cop shops that are real.
     New tricks / True nicks 
                                    -- GFH

On TV, Wodehouse gets rehash'd.
Manner whereby beasts get trash'd.
     "The Code of the Mulliners" / The mode of the cullin'ers

Steals from S&L. (Not nice.)
Robert..? Yeah, he stinks on ice.
     Robs bank / Bob's rank

Grade Z: cheaper by the dozen.
Code hitch outlaws wedding cousin.
     Rotten eggs / Knot in regs 

In '46 this song was hot.
Paul and Kitty tie the knot.
     Gal in Calico / Kallen-Gallico

Finger bling shows how you feel.
Mongo's Tsar's a boorish heel.
     Mood ring / Rude Ming

Laid down macadam for me.
Held back wage (I work'd for free).
     Paved my way / Waved, my pay

I aced (all A's!) my education.
Hear me as I warn the nation.
     High marks / My "Hark!"s

Phrase which trails 'When in the course...'
Look who's yellin' 'til he's hoarse.
     'Human events' / View man: he vents 
     
Business deals in pimps 'n' 'ho's.
Spell on king" "So: where's your clothes...?"
     Sex for hire / Hex for sire

Canine army need.
Gilded lesser breed. 
     Dog o' war / Woggo d'or

Steer toward coast; I've had enough.
Hutch where's kept one's bit o' fluff.
     Head for shore / shed for whore
 
Grand Master of grotesquerie.
Deviant...but minorly.
     Merwyn Peake / Pervin' meek

Der Fuehrer of the Flugelhorn...
gets Ms. Rivers on the horn:
     Miles Davis dials Mavis. 

Matters backwards you have got.
Alphabet'cal order...not.
     The cart before the horse / The 'heart' before the 'coarse'

Kinder- und Hausmärchen lore.
Python wizard’s relic store.
    Grimms’ Tales / Tim’s Grails

     Coda 

From "Black Sox" to "The Field of Dreams."
A play with lacks pro-Juden themes.
A run which Blake and Sissel teams.
A drama ducking Yiddish memes.
Its pit band airs no klezmer screams.
No Mogen David's sewn in seams.
With script produced by Leans or Neames.
     Shoeless Joe / Jew-less show

Crispy-coated cruller -- sorta.
Up 'n' at 'em, Mr. Porter!
     Kaiser roll / Rise, Herr Cole

Menotti's saint here rents her pad.
Running plaint from lad unclad.
     Bleeker Street / Streaker bleat

Manual of joy, of pain.
Scan, you-all, the skies for rain.
     Book o' Love / Look above

Tontine sparks a comic plot.
Weed deliv'ry system’s hot!
    The Wrong Box / The bong rocks!

Never quite Br'er Rabbit's peer.
Said of Brother Johann's gear.
     Br'er Fox / Frere Bach's 

Member of the Sûreté.
Spring arrives in drizzly way. 
     Maigret / Gray May

An artful Dodger in his day.
Fitzgerald rears, then shies away.
     Roy Campanella / Coy, rampin' Ella

The world's least-uncontested zone.
The most fun had when you're alone.
     The West Bank / The best wank

A back-yard fete o'erseen by Jeeves.
The lad who monitors reprieves.
     Garden party / Pardon guard, he.

Monday, July 18, 2022

One Fin (sic) Day at the Theatre de Babylone (11)

FIFI Meaning mining...?
DODO Mot!
FIFI Non sequitur...?
DODO I know.
FIFI  If "eenie-meenie" count... 
DODO Falls short...?
FIFI ...such might requite... 
DODO  What...?
FIFI ...forced... 
DODO  Abort-...?
FIFI  I know, I know: So like "La Morte..." 
DODO Forget it! Let it go!
FIFI  I can't. 
DODO You've tried...?
FIFI They'd said...
DODO They'd lied! You'd not...
FIFI Believ'd 'em...? No!
DODO  Then bid 'em "bye."
FIFI  I cannot.
DODO  Why...?
FIFI  We're waiting...
DODO For...? Oh, no      

     FIN 

Friday, July 15, 2022

More Runcibliosity (11)

Comic whose timing was never wonky. 
Two bills to win on a female donkey. 
     Jack Benny / Back jenny

Device to break up concrete slab.
Chauffeur: "Into my taxicab!" 
       Jackhammer / Hack jammer

Drab, intuitive crime-solving priest.
Look that betrays how I'm nettled, at least. 
        Father Brown / “Bother!” frown 

English muffins' claims to fame.
Gangsters -- plus au pairs of same.
     Nooks and crannies / Crooks and nannies

Heir to Rock and Cos and Pryor.
Apollo's chariot of fire. 
     Kevin Hart / Heaven cart

Worth of birds depends on where.
Voiced disdain for derriere. 
     Two in the bush / Booin' the tush

TV show where Dunster starr'd.
Breathed before Italian bard. 
     Ted Lasso / Led Tasso

Oodles of cumshaws for passionate fans.
'62 Mercury 4-door sedans.
     Myriad perks / Period Mercs

Sit spin at the skating rink. 
Champagne in re in a drink. 
     Poetry in motion / Moët re in potion

Films foregrounding "Le Jazz Hot."
Beiderbecke cognomen (NOT). 
     Bugle flicks / "Flugel Bix"

Silent movies' slapstick master.
Yellowhair meets Sioux: disaster!
     Buster Keaton / Custer beaten
                                                 -- GFH 

Managed Savoyards' finance.
Shoot a less-than-ardent glance.
      D’Oyly Carte / Coyly dart
                                          -- GFH

Contests not consider'd sport.
Bruce and Mick haul'd into court. 
     Stock car races / Rock star cases

Drumpf eclips'd the Richter scale.
Drumpf deserves ten years in jail.
     For cryin' too loud / For lyin' to crowd

Requisite with block and brick. 
"Me did not mean New York Knick."
     Cement mixer / "Me meant Sixer."

London road where stars one sees.
Flavor notes in tasteless cheese.
     Cheyne Walk / Whey 'n' chalk 

Is it there Der Fuhrer's found...?
Hope Herr Hitler hasn't drown'd. 
     Where in the hell...? / Herr in the well
Yankee scribe of world renown.
Undersea dystopian town.
     Herman Melville / Merman Hellville

Nun whose habit lacks a bodice.
Groom of minor Attic goddess.
     Sister of Mercy / Mister of Circe
Alcohol's thicker than blood.
Its challenge...? Three falls in the mud.
     The hair of the dog / The dare of the hog
Thirteen (rule of thumb).
Five-plus-five bees hum.
     The baker's dozen / The daker's buzzin.'

Platter on a wheel.
"Stop it! Stop the steal!" 
     Lazy Susan / Says he, losin.'

World Wonder antedating Kew.
Says Campbell: "Walking's good for you."
     Hanging Gardens / Ganging hardens.

Spot where Egypt's river starts.
Vikings...? Living in St. Barts...?
     Source of the Nile / Norse...? Of this isle...?

Grand old statue fosters awe.
Screen that film on missing law.
     Colossus of Rhodes / Roll "Losses of Codes"!

Buckaroo who cyclones rides.
One of NASA's breakfast sides.
     Pecos Bill / BacOs pill

Serpents observ'd cuttin' rugs.
Theme treating Huggies and bugs.
     A dance of vipers / "Of Ants, of Diapers"

Aim'd-at pegs in skittles games.
Chests where Luntz keeps survey's names.
     Bowling pins / Polling bins

Campanile’s much more 
than a bubble off plumb. 
Adolescence of Simpson sib's brainbox 
has come. 
     Leaning Tower of Pisa / Teening power of Lisa

Lear's scoop may (or may not) glister.
Norse verse sings of twisted sister. 
     The runcible spoon / The "Spun Sibyl" Rune

Whereon the pants-less boy stands tall.   
Complient Charles's servile call.
     The burning deck / The Durning beck

Quaker puffs -- both wheat and rice.    
Virtue earn'd avoiding vice.
     Shot from guns / Got from shuns

Baseball great -- till Sox turn'd Black.
Broadway play flaunts Hebrew lack.
     Shoeless Joe / Jew-less show 

Evil felt before it's dealt.
"Penis hard." That's Love's canard. 
     Malice aforethought / "Phallus," Amor thought.

Spot where layfolk meet their priest. 
Greens at Gypsy wedding feast. 
         Communion rail / Rom union kale
                                                          -- GFH 

Oater star who'd rarely act. 
Hindu's pallor...? It's a fact.
       John Wayne / Wan Jain
                                         -- GFH 
Actor plays urbane detective.
Treats intestine that's defective. 
    Powell, Bill / Bowel pill
                                      -- GFH

Tsar stands over six feet tall. 
Walmart staffer’s head's not small. 
    Peter the Great / Greeter the Pate
                                                      -- GFH

Roman shares cloak with chap in distress.
Muslims in Scotland affect local dress. 
     Martin of Tours / Tartan of Moors
                                                     -- GFH

John and Ringo, George and Paul.
Face Tiranans -- one 'n' all!
     Beatlemania / Meet Albania

Enormous (if belated) hit.
Gabby was ('twould seem) a Brit.
     Days of Heaven / Hayes of Devon 

Success that's brief and unrepeated.
I love custard, chill'd or heated. 
     Flash in the pan / Passion...? The Flan

Sport enjoy'd by yachtin' dudes.
"Thanks!" from PBS includes...
     Boat Tag / Tote Bag

One more book of Forster's read. 
Join the king...then lay some tread.
     A Room with a View / "Vroooom!" with Aroo

Eighteen minutes in the ring. 
Richard...? Man, that cat can sing!
     Six rounds / Rick's sounds

Out of pocket...? Just two bits!
Shelter when your tech stock splits.
     Shave 'n' a haircut / Haven (a share cut).

Well-attended op'ning nights.
Borscht-addicted Muscovites.
      Bums on seats / Some’s on beets
                                                      -- GFH

Whole they've been withholding.
Earth sign for our molding.  
     The forest for the trees / A taurist for the frieze 

Underwear, from Ts to shorts...
Winnings Chris has glean'd from sports.    
     Fruit of the Loom / Loot of the Froome 

Lill and Dot: celebrities.
"Did you give me all your threes...?"
     The fame of Gish / A game of Fish

A wrestler whose couture was haute.
A one-time king of England's throat.
     Gorgeous George / George's gorge

Dynasty of wickedness. 
Sickly stink in floral dress.
     Another Part of the Forest / Another fart, of the poorest

Antihero fantasizes.
Man fires oast...and aphorizes.
     Walter Mitty / Malter: wit, he 
                                               -- GFH

Weigh, hey and up she rises.
Anna May yob compromises.
     A whaling song / Assailing Wong
                                                    -- GFH

Saturday, July 2, 2022

A Rondo of Runcibl'd Spooners (11)

Fledermaus Mach speed puts on.
Homberg East Missouri'ns don. 
     Bat out o' hell / Hat out o' Belle 

Royal princesses 'n' princes. 
Dog bite bane. (Who's bitten winces.) 
     Regal babies / Beagle rabies

Steep some, swallow...and relax.
Heap'd up propolis 'n' wax.
     Book of Tea / Took of Bee
                                          -- GFH 

Bumm'd I bought (though no one cares). 
Michael's thought on stocks and shares.
     Buyer's Remorse / Myers re: Bourse 

Break-in! (Barbershop in Queens.)
Tutored crooks in forging greens. 
     Caught Trespassing / Taught Cress Passing

Boycott raisins! (Best start small.)  
How do I like Donald's fall...?
     Not A Fig Ban / Not A Big Fan

Easier to say than do.  
Dover Cliffs...? A tow'ring view! 
     Talk Is Cheap / Chalk Is Steep

Tart-theft trial in Wonderland. 
Sprints grown quickly out of hand.
     A Raucous Case / A Caucus Race 

Joyce has dream. 
Drumpf has scheme.
     Finnegans Wake / Win Again’s Fake 
                                           -- GFH

Such melodious bits of fluff. 
Much like diamonds in the rough. 
     Pretty Girls / Gritty Pearls 

ER nurses have your back.  
Find your pup, Spot, on that stack. 
     Help Is On The Way / Whelp Is On The Hay

As Brits would have it: "Mind the Gap!" 
A tub bath...? Lose the bathing cap. 
     A Word O' Caution / Occurr'd: A Washin'

In Chi, where immigrants carouse. 
Those epic poets love their cows.
     Back O' The Yards / Yak O' The Bards

"Semper Fi" dispenses clout. 
If it hadn't, I'd have gout.
     Proud To Be A Marine / Bowed To Me! A Purine! 

Novel Japanese adore.
Nice girl from an upper floor.
     Tale Of Genji / Gail Of 10G   
                                            -- GFH

Protecting women’s right to choose.
Distress'd with try to stamp out booze.
     Roe v. Wade / Woe v. Raid   
                                            -- GFH

Plead your case but whisper low. 
"Think ye thou deserve it...? No!" 
     Beg In Your Ear / Egg In Your Beer

Ev'ry door to you's now open. 
You'll let out the cat, I'm hopin.'
     Key To The City / "See To The Kitty!"

Trust you...? Ain't no way, you louse. 
Graphs the gas used at your house.
     Your Cheating Heart / Your Heating Chart 

Last words spoke before you run. 
Al to Dubya: "Are we done...?"
     "Four To Go!" / Gore To Foe

Directives for the use of force. 
Monsters drinking blood, of course.
     Rules Of Engagement / Ghouls of Enragement

Firing those who fuck things up. 
Commie golfers reach the cup. 
     Heads Will Roll / Reds Will Hole

Fructose...? Dextrose...? Heaven knows! 
Tissues to de-schmutz one's nose.
     Sugar Beets / Booger Sheets 

The hand is quicker than the eye. 
Assassinated Irish guy. 
     Magic Trick / Tragic Mick

Obligations...? Mine...? They are
Finn the publican wipes bar.
     Buck Stops Here / Huck Sops Beer

A blimp ride, Sun- through Saturday. 
The snout on lout from Brussels pays.
     A Week On A Balloon / A Beak On A Walloon 

More of Carroll's nonsense schtick. 
Eternal Town's arithmetic.
     Mome Raths / Rome Maths

Book that won a Booker Prize. 
Lands of royal Spanish guys. 
     The Remains Of The Day / Demesnes Of The Rey

They'll clog your lungs and curb your breath. 
A stiffen'd carcass augers death.
     Cigarettes / Rigor Sets

For sending wires, most versatile. 
It's Drumpf's abrupt campaigning style.
     Morse Code / Coarse Mode

They're useful makin' Muscadet. 
Around the set see Clark sashay.
     Table Grapes / Gable Traipse

Nachos...? Si! (They don't serve scones). 
The inn Johann Sebastian owns.
     Taco Bell / Bach Hotel 

Install on your device; get Smarties. 
Booster of the Labour Party's:
     Candy App / Andy Capp

Loves all games which use a ball. 
The Alamo...? More short than tall.
    Sports Fan / Fort's Span 

The Year of the Rabbit per Vietnamese. 
Aperitif guzzled by Big Easy sleaze.
     Year Of The Cat / Kir Of The Yat 

String up Veep upon your gallows...? 
Suffer sorrow by All Hallows.
     Hang Pence / Pang Hence

Has Iron Mike stepp'd in the ring...? 
Has my boy done this dreadful thing...?
     Is That Mike Tyson...? / Is That Tyke My Son...?

Pack'd a sandwich; pack'd a few. 
Three Norwegians and a Jew. 
     The Box Lunch / The Lox Bunch

As well as cymbals on her knees. 
What renders debs a bitch to please.
     Bells On Her Toes / Tells On Her beaux

Greens 'n' dressings, all self-serve.
He of heroes sings with verve. 
     Salad Bar / Ballade Czar

Prove that you're no feeble reed. 
Plant, then cultivate, some weed.
     Show Some Grit / Grow Some Shit

Asylum care to cure your ills. 
Outrunnin' Dennis to them pills.*
     Rest In Bodmin / Bestin' Rodman
          * Like 'rocks,' a slang term for basketballs 

Aid in slippin' on a pair. 
Horton's chum what's lost its hair. 
     Shoehorn / Who, Shorn

Knock'd Floridians' resort. 
Dismiss'd small spider: "You're too short!":
     Pann'd Key West / Cann'd Wee Pest

Bread bun where a wiener's found. 
Rectum of a German hound.
     Hot Dog Roll / Rott Dog Hole

Head to house of correction.
Gender-transition direction:
     Go to Jail / 'Joe' to 'Gail'

Freeways poet Frost won't jog. 
Yardwork "No way!"'by a frog:
     Roads Not Taken / Toad's Not Rakin'

Tureen of bouillon (with spaghetti). 
Quintessence animating Betty.
     Bowl Of Soup / Soul Of Boop

Co-eds screams as idol nears. 
Palookas shedding pails of tears.
     Bobby Soxers / Sobby Boxers

God of Nature framed with leaves. 
Source of tsuris Gramps receives.
     Green Man / Mean Gran

Christmas Day: A Mare Egg...

     "A Mare Egg, Her Wrist, "Miss Two 'U'"