Artificciones: Rin-Tin-Tintin

By the time original Rin Tin Tin passed away in 1932, the world's most famous German Shepherd had already starred in dozens of Hollywood movies, thereby contributing substantially to the financial success of the Warner Bros film studio that employed him. Meanwhile in Europe, the popularity of Belgian cartoonist Herge's most recent graphic creation, a teen-age newspaper reporter mononymously dubbed Tintin, was rapidly accelerating. With the publication one year before of a book treatment of the youngster's latest escapades, Tintin in America, the adventures of the comic sleuth had attracted the attention of a whole new family of fans in the United States. At that moment, Hollywood child actor Ninnian J. Yule, Jr., a recent transplant from New York who had that same year appeared in his first, though uncredited, film role, was giving thought to a costume he might wear to a Tinseltown Halloween party, finally deciding on a mashup of the Wonder Dog and the Boy Reporter. With the aid of a low-level MGM makeup artist, young Yule attached a pair of pointed ears fashioned from burlap and wolf skin and a prosthetic canine nose to a real-human-hair fabrication resembling Tintin's signature quiff -- the entire ensemble held together with a web of rubber bands. To don his disquise, the young Ninnian first placed the artificial nose over his own Irish pug, adjusting the false nostrils so as to allow optimal breathing. He then positioned the ears at the top of his head, leaving space for the golden tuft between the two. Until 2022 feared lost, this one-of-a-kind memorabilium, though in less-than-pristine condition, sold at auction the following March for just short of 185,000 dollars.       

Artificciones: Grimm/Shaw

Measuring just under 6.2 inches (16 centimeters) in height, this walrus tusk, yellowed by weather and distressed by passage through many hands, is engraved with an array of finely etched images portraying heroines drawn from the literary works of Germany's most famous folklorists as well as those of the equally renowned Anglo-Irish playwright often referred to by his initials GBS. The object has come to be known among maritime museum curators and fans of nautical lore as The Grimm/Shaw Scrimshaw. Carved across its surface, probably with a sharp needle, are an array of fine incisions which have been filled in with an ink made of candle black and tobacco juice, among which are the portrasit heads of Clever Gretel, Eliza Doolittle, Little Red Riding Hood and Major Barbara Undershaft. The identity of the artist or, more likely, of the artists (the graphic style employed to portray Shaw's heroines is definitely distinct in character from that used in picturing the Grimm Brothers' females) are unknown. Probably these men -- and they would most certainly have been men -- doubtless worked as crew members aboard one of the armada of early 20th-century whaling vessels shipping out of the UK to fish off the coasts of Greenland. Carved no earlier than 1912, the year Pygmalion was first brought to the stage, the piece is currently in the hands of a private Japanese collector of nautical paraphernalia residing in Stonington, Connecticut, USA.     

Artificciones: Basasagi

This monolith, the sole survivor extant, was originally one of nine in a peripteral arrangement supporting the entablature and roof of a small shrine built of stone on the now-uninhabited island of Ikez Adasi off the western coast of Turkey. Employed in the rituals of a thus far unidentified local pre-Christian religion, each column of the small building, which was used as a site for meditation, took the form of a unique stylized figure known as a basasagi to indicate its upside-down attitude, the disproportionally large head of which was dominated by an dispropor- tionally large gaping mouth, the teeth of which were fashioned of ivory and positioned within this gigantic grin so as to form a rank of vertical bars, making the inside of each basasagi's mouth into a kind of cage. Each of these nine mouth/cages housed a small flock of one or another species of so-called talking birds. Parrots and mynahs, budgerigars and cockatiels, starlings, ravens and African greys, in fact, any breed of bird capable of mimicking each others' calls, the voicings of other animals, even human speech -- all were collected from around the then-known world to be housed within the folly-like structure. At night the birds largely remained silent. But as the each morning sun's rays reached the columns in turn through the day, the various groupings of birds began sounding their myriad voicings and vocables. The impression created was that the basasagi were speaking, singing and orating. Visitors to the folly, unaware of the presence of the birds, ascribed to the basasagi oracular powers, insisting that questions put to the various personifications were answered, no matter how equivocally or obscurely. 

Just Ask!

   One 

Ask any 'n' all, "What does  

'idiom' mean...?"

Ask Annie N. Hall. (Don't ask 

Idi Amin.)

   Two

If you ask me, 

it tastes like chicken. 

Christmas Day: A Mare Egg...

     "A Mare Egg, Her Wrist, "Miss Two 'U'"

Fourth Week, Day 3, Tuesday: A Weigh-In...

     "A Weigh-In (Amen...? Sure!)" 

Fourth Week, Day 2, Monday: Hyam...

    "Hyam Dreaming of a Wide "'Christmas'" 

Fourth Week, Day 1, Sunday: Esau...

      "Esau Cleaves Ships" 

Third Week, Day 7, Saturday: Cell...

     "Cell...Verb...'L's" 

First Principles

It's always something.
If it isn't one thing it's another.

Third Week, Day 6, Friday: Green...

    "Green She Leaves" 

Third Week, Day 5, Thursday: Ho...

    "Ho! Ho! Lean Knight"

Third Week, Day 4, Wednesday: Eyesore...

    "Eyesore: Mommy Kissing Sam Nickolas" 

Third Week, Day 3, Tuesday: '"Silence...

    "'Silence, Knight!'"

Third Week, Day 2, Monday: Froze'...

    "Froze' Teeth On Snow, Man"

Third Week, Day 1, Sunday: Deck'd...

    "Deck'd Three Awls"

Second Week Of Advent, Day 7, Saturday: No...

    "No 'L'...?"

Second Week Of Advent, Day 6, Friday: Low...

If you don't know all the words, just hum:
   "Low 'How,' A Rose Hare, Blue Ming"

Second Week Of Advent, Day 5, Thursday: Hyam...

    "Hyam Trimming Off A Wide Xmas" 

Collaboration Lab: Gershwin & Poe's "But Not Form E"

Uly Poe is currently hand-in-glove 

with Ira Gershwin, busy reimagining 

the latter's lyric "But Not For Me" 

in order to accommodate it to Uly's 

new musical set on the grounds of 

an English public school and dealing 

with the improprieties of a class of 

young miscreants, the notorious 

Form E.

Form A...? This throng I love.

But not Form E.

Form B...? Two cuts above. 

But not Form E.

C formers...? Distingue,

though, sadly, not today:

Form E gets in their way.

Catastrophe!

E formers take the piss; 

they pass the buck.

Hi ho! Alas! And also...WTF!

The other forms at school

are fire and dope and cool --

all good eggs as a rule.

But not Form E. 

Second Week Of Advent, Day 4, Wednesday: Hy Saw...

 C'mon, everybody; you all know the words:
   "Hy Saw'd Mom: "She's Kissing Sandy Claws!"

Second Week Of Advent, Day 3, Tuesday: Oak...

 I...can't...HEAR...you...
   "Oak...a maul...leaf...faithful"

Second Week Of Advent, Day 2, Monday: Wee...

Sing along with 
   "Wee Freak'd Kings"

Second Week Of Advent, Day 1, Sunday: Choy...

Light two candles today and sing a chorus of 
   "Choy, Tooth, Off World" 

Broken: Pace Fats Waller

-elf a boutonniere Lulu's back in-elf a boutonniere Lulu's back in-elf a boutonniere Lulu's back in-elf a boutonniere Lulu's back in-elf a boutonniere Lulu's back in-elf a boutonniere Lulu's back in-elf a boutonniere Lulu's back in-elf a boutonniere Lulu's back in-elf a boutonniere Lulu's back...

First Week Of Advent Musical Liturgy, Day 7, Saturday: Gin...

Today's sacred hymn...?
   "Gin, Gull, Belle: Rock!" 

First Week Of Advent Musical Liturgy, Day 6, Friday: Holly...

As you light the week's single candle 

which stands in the middle of your wreath 

of ivy, why not join in a chorus or two of 

   "The Holly & The I.V." 

Bio In Brief: An Apologia

Uly Poe pens dogg'rel verse.
"'Tis fun," hums Uly, "I disburse."
The gamut runs from bad to worse.
The matter treated...? Plu-diverse --
most, postcards from his universe,
replies to grudges he must nurse.
My summary...? Let me be terse:
a blessing, largely. (Not a curse.)

'Fre(e/y)'-For-All

Says Joffrey to Geoffrey 
astride his pale palfrey.
"Life care-free I've never not sought."
Says Geoffrey to Joffrey,
"To get out of jail free,
bent referees have to be bought."
Says Joffrey to Geoffrey
from high in the belfry,
"For doodie-free life I have fought."
Says Geoffrey to Joffrey,
"If you'd be some fancy-free 
conferee, act as you ought." 

First Week Of Advent Musical Liturgy, Day 5, Thursday: Lettuce...

Here is today's seasonal hymn.
Everybody, sing! 

   "Lettuce...? No! Lettuce...? No! 

Lettuce...? No!" 

First Week Of Advent Musical Liturgy, Day 4, Wednesday: Okra's...

Today's musical liturgy features a 

favorite seasonal hymn of liturgists 

and vegetarians alike: 

   "Okra's Mystery." 

First Week Of Advent Musical Liturgy, Day 3, Tuesday: Sandy...

Today finds some Poe devotees caroling 

yet another seasonal favorite:

   "Sandy Closets Come Into Town." 

First Week Of Advent Musical Liturgy, Day 2, Monday: Ears...

During the week Poe's followers will also 

be heard singing this popular tune based 

on both well-known Old Testament lore 

as well as certain prominent facial parts: 

   "Ears, Gums, Antique Laws" 

MAGAlossary

MAGAmerica: A nation only recently cobbled together from several geographical areas formerly associated with the United States. This new socio-political entity consists of rural counties located mostly in southern and western portions of the US and dominated by followers of prophet / deity Orange Jesus (aka "MAGAbby Haze" and "Mister MAGoo") who pledge allegiance to that individual and his mendacious set of alternative facts.   

MAGAlomaniac: A designation characterizing MAGAmerica's prophet / deity and, by extension, any of O.J.'s red-hatted disciples. Other terms used to refer to MAGAlomaniacs include 'MAGAts' and 'basket(cases) of deplorables.' 

MAGAtar: A multi-string'd musical instrument modelled on the one played by Orange Jesus on several of his MAGArammy-winning performances. (O.J. insists that "people are saying" he knows more about music than...well, anyone. Sources for these rumors remain unverified.) 

37 MAGAnum: The firearm of choice for MAGAmericans who "pack heat." The weapon is used to intimidate former fellow countrymen who disagree with alternate facts adhered to by MAGAmericans -- and anyone else who isn't white, male and christian. 

MAGAshot: A now-famous portrait of Orange Jesus taken on the occasion of his being booked prior to one of his numerous criminal trials. The image is thought to possess healing properties analogous to those of other religious icons and is therefore held in awe by his followers. Miracles reported in conjunction with prayers accompanied by dollar donations made to the Orange-hued image have not yet been verified.  

MAGADonald's: A source of foodstuffs empty of nutritional value but preferred by MAGA prophet / deity Orange Jesus and followers. Referred to by them as "MAGA from Heaven," MAGA D's most popular product offering is known as "The Bigly MAG" and comes with an order of fried starchy root vegetables and a sugary beverage. Other favorite comfort foods consumed by MAGAts include a high-calorie pasta dish, the so-called "MAGAroni & Jesus."

MAGA-Lago: A sacred pilgrimage destination frequented by devotees eager to pledge unquestioning loyalty to the MAGA prophet / deity by kissing various relics on display there. 

MAGAdalene: Aka Lady MAGAGA, an avatar of the bride of the MAGAt prophet / deity. Proof of lore characterizing her as notorious prostitute has never been definitively offered. 

MAGApie: The Latin 'pica,' from which the magpie bird gets its name, refers to a disorder, sufferers of which are compelled to eat non-food items. In addition, the magpie's ability to chatter for hours in imitation of human speech, its proclivity to collect various shiny objects, its notorious neophobia and its wide reputation as a pest have prompted the often-blue-plumaged bird to be renamed 'MAGApie' and designated as the national bird of MAGAmerica.

iMAGArant: 

MAGAetz:

MAGArie Taylor Greene: 

MAGA cum Loud:

iMAGAnation:

MAGAma:

MAGAlopolis: 

"Holy MAGArel!": 

MAGAnolia:

MAGAnificent: 

MAGAnificat: 

MAGAnot Line: 

MAGAnatism: 

MAGAwatt:

MAGAffin:

MAGAwitch:

The Three MAGAi: 

First Week Of Advent Musical Liturgy, Day 1, Sunday: The Lid'll...

'Tis a season for holiday chants, hymns and 

spiritual songs. All this week, Poe's disciples 

will be singing and meditating on one of the 

master's favorites: 

   "The Lid'll Draw Merboy" 

 

Portrait Of The Artist At Work: A Drawing By Jude (Date Unknown)

 

The Night Before Xmas, Drumpf's Mantle; Or, More Toys, Father; I Must Have More Toys.

 

Three Runcibl'd Spoonerisms: Dome, Suicide, Wandering

An Arabic shrine giving annual visitors shivvers / 

The Dome of the Rock // 

A list of the wayfaring treks of the NBA's Rivers /

The Roam of the Doc

Agreement twixt two when that pair of their lives has grown tired / 

Suicide Pact //

A Teddy Bear whispers stage left, "Our poor Eeyore's been fired." / 

Pooh (aside): "Sack'd!"

A mythical Hebrew afoot since Good Friday's "distraction" /

The Wandering Jew //

A prostitute's customer's state halfway through his transaction / 

The John, during woo

Size Still Doesn't Matter

Abner's Li'l while Tim is Tiny. 
Willy Winkie...? Wee.

Lulu's Little. Martin's Short.

What's that to do with me...?

Bo Peep's Little. So's Miss Sunshine

Minnie Mouse...? You guess'd it. 

Large or small, 'twould seem it all 

depends how folks express'd it.

Size Doesn't Matter

The first, "Biggie" Smalls, to arrive on the scene...?
Just a character shown on a movie-house screen.
The next, Biggy Smallz, is a rapper, a teen
who is kill'd when a turf war he's trapp'd in between. 
The last, Biggie Smalls...? He's a rapper as well,
christen'd Christopher Wallace -- or so we hear tell.

Spelt with 'i-e's or 'y's, punctuated or not,

we've a triad of points orthographical got.

Eggcentric Drumpf

 

The Cabinet Of Dr. Calimari-Lago: AG (Almost) Matt Gaetz

With sundry twisted Epstein 

mates 

o'er ice-thin ethics rules Matt

skates.

Takes pre-pubescent girls on 

"dates"...?

What's next upon Matt's sexist

plates...?

Tweens...? Adolescents...? neo-

nates...? *

"The center cannot hold," holds 

Yeats,

which nearly proved our common

fates:

AG of these United 

States...?

No wa-a-ay "Things fall apart" Matt 

Gaetz,

that wanker MAGA cele-

brates

who hates the same stuff MAGA

hates.

   *No mention's made of 'mastur-

bates.'

Apologia Pro Nuga Sua

I'm neither Shelley nor the Bard. 

Compare me not to Frost or Homer.  

Liken these* to Emily's...? 

Who claims so frames a gross misnomer.

   I'm not Blake or Plath or Sappho,

Emerson or Donne or Keats.

A neo-Blake...? Don't make me laugh! (Oh...

note: nor ape I Maya's feats.)

   My lingua...? Never elevated,

nor by critics highly rated.

Once it's all been said 'n' done,

these doggerels are just for fun.

   (Once it's all been done 'n' said,

they're funny heard, tho' better read.)

   *Fyi: this footnote will shortly list 

the titles of all eleven of Uly's books 

of nonsense verse.

Oh, Hell: I Must Be Going: An Alphabet Of Departure

       In light of recent political events, some Americans have been overheard discussing emigration -- their own -- several reaching decisions and moving those determinations to the top of their respective 'must do' lists. Uly Poe is among them.

                                    "For the snark IS a boojum you see."

                                                                 -- after Lewis Carroll

Anticipate the starting gun...? 

As B*****'s back, it must be done.

I'll Break (or tie) the record for 

the fastest mile (3:44*).

I'll Cut 'n' run. (Please don't give Chase; 

just trust: I must depart this place.) 

I'll Dash a hundred yards -- nay: more. 

Don't track me Down: I'm out the Door.

I'll Exit East (northeast, at least). 

I'll deadhead -- tho' not (yet) deceased. 

You'll Eat my dust. (Apologies: 

here's hoping you'll avoid a sneeze.)

I'll Fly the coop. I'll Flee the scene. 

Nor will I tell Folk where I've been. 

I'll Get me Gone. I'll Go alone. 

I'll disengage from web 'n' phone.

(And, passing 'Go,' I'll Grab that dough:

two hundred smackeroos -- Hi, Ho!) 

I'll Hit the bricks. I'll Hie me Hence. 

(None's done the like -- before or since.)

I'll Imitate ol' Aesop's hare

and Jog (tho' slow) aboard shank's mare.

I'll Kiss all Kith 'n' Kin "So Long!

I'm Leaving." (Please don't get me wrong:

I'll Light out for the territories,

Huckleberry-Like,

nor never Lag. I'll Leg it... 

...that or Learn to ride a bike.

I'm Making haste while shines the sun.

Arrives the rain...? Too late to run.)

I'm Making tracks. I'm Moving on.

Mayhap you'll Miss Me when I'm gone.

I'll Not delay; I'll Navigate

each Ocean, creek 'n' crooked strait.

"I'm Outta here!" you'll hear me shout.

I'm Off 'n' running, have no doubt.

(To put no finer point: I'm Out.)

I'll beat a Path, a Powder take.

I'm Put to flight, for heaven's sake.

I'll Quit, so Quick, these premises.

I'll Run away; the day I'll Seize.

I'll Trek where no one's Trek'd before.

I'll Tread upon a loaf.** What's more,

I'll Up 'n' leave like Barbra S,*

Unable to abide such mess.

Nor shall I Vamp 'til ready. No,

I'm ready now; I'm set to go.

I'll Wend my Way, perhaps head West.

Some spot mark'd X may prove the best.

I'll hug You; then my cap I'll doff:

...three...two...one...Zero: Blasting off!

     *The record for the fastest mile is precisely 3:43.13, set on July 7, 1999 by Hicham El Guarrouj from Morocco.

     **Han Andersen's Inge appears in one of his more bizarre tales.

     ***One of many celebrities pledging to move abroad if Drumpf regains power. Other mss show "E. deG, Unable to remain, you see" here. Future recitations doubtless will insert other names as the list of emigrees continues to swell.

The Cabinet Of Dr. Calimari-Lago: Chief Of Staff Susie Wiles

Her coif -- cinereal -- she 

styles

in pearly pompadours 'n' 

piles.

Behind smug condescending 

smiles

she camouflages fascist 

wiles.

Assuming grins of croco-

diles

while highing five to POTUS 

"Heil!"s,

she foments Orange Jesus'

guiles.

Where are those Oval Office  

files...?

Ask Chief of Staff Ms. Susie

Wiles -- 

tho' prep for absolute de-

ni'ls.

(With staffers signing names like

'Wiles,'

we fast approach the Silly 

Isles.) 

The Cabinet Of Dr. Calimari-Lago: Stephen Miller

   Of 

racially-mixed communities no 

pillar. 

   Of   

migrant toddler's holding pens...? Ful- 

filler.

   Of  

Latin blood 'n' treasure...? Super- 

spiller. 

   Hums 

not the "An die Freude" ode by 

Schiller.

   Of the 

soil of racial hatred Miller's 

tiller.

   Of the 

Constitution he's a hired 

killer:

   one 

nasty white supremacy dis-

tiller...

   (now  

Chief of Staff for Policy) Herr 

Miller!

   (For-

give me if my diatribe grow

shriller:

   no

Drumpf corrupt appointment makes me

iller.)