The Pig and the Pangolin (not to be confused with "The Eel and the Eland")

      If Edward Lear didn't exist, 

      we'd have to invent him.

          I 

The Pig and the Pangolin took to the road

     Of their mutual karma in quest,

Making headway bizarrely, they sped on a Harley,

     A Hydra Glide. Ride...?  Of the best.

This pair rarely flipp'd as their bike was equipp'd

     With a sidecar of wondrous design

Which allow'd 'em to chat back 'n' forth, tit for tat,

     As they straddl'd each highway's white line,

          White line,

          White line,

     While astride ev'ry highway's white line.

          II 

Queried Pango of Pig, "What's this thingamajig...?"

     As she handled his standard transmission.

"It permits," claim'd the swine as he stiffen'd his spine,

     "Me to ride in half lotus position.

Which reminds," he went on, "me: as thither 'n' yon

     We advance, what's the chance of our bedding...?"

To this Pango replied, "You can bet your pink hide

     There's no pray'r...'til we've shared a white wedding,

          White wedding,

          White wedding;

     Not a pray'r lest there's shared a white wedding."

          III

"Here's the thing: 'twould be nice if, with ring, shoes and rice,

     Our (say "when!") mise en scène would conclude,"

Purr'd the porker. "I mean, what a corker!...last scene

     Starring two (me 'n' you) in the nude."

"Such will never take place lest we two about face.

     We alternative plans need devise.

Trust me! Mother knows best," said the Pangolin. "Dress'd,

     We might sort, then abort, our white lies,

          White lies, 

          White lies,

No cavorting till's sorted those lies."

Mr. KnowNowt; or, A Drumpf Trial Prospective Juror Responds to Voir Dire

Who says the twice-impeached former POTUS

can't get a fair trial anywhere in the USA...?

Nowt know I of 

Kim Jong Un who

hectors North Korea.

Nowt know I of

Woody who ex-

asperated Mia. 
Nowt know I of

Jason -- or his

paramour Medea. 
And who the hell is

Donald Drumpf...? I've

really no idea. 

Nowt know I of

Putin who's an-

nexing The Crimea, 
nor nothing of Gon-

dawanaland which

once was call'd Pangaea, 
nor cannabis – al-

though it's thought by

some a panacea. 
And who the hell is

Donald Drumpf...? I’ve

surely no idea. 

Nowt know I of

syphilis, much

less of gonorrhea. 
Nowt know I of

conchas, though I

love a good tortilla. 
Nowt know I of

Poe – except his

onomatopoeia. 
And who the hell is

Donald Drumpf...? I’ve

truly no idea. 
 
Nowt know I of

horseflesh, though I’ve

won at Hialeah. 
Nowt know I of

Viet Nam, much

less of Kampuchea. 
This fellow Drumpf: is

his a case of

ludicrous latria...? 
Whoe’er he is, it's

not my biz. I’ve

no i-(frickin')-dea!

The Courting of Snark Supreme

      They annointed his palms with long weekends in Bali; 

          they bribed him with flights on their jets. 

      They purchased his soul with a gold-plated brolly -- 

          nor's that as corrupt as it gets. 

     They corrupted his spouse with vacations on yachts, 

          and himself with excursions on choppers. 

     He claims he's descended from lines of have-nots. 

          Are these origins more of his whoppers...? 

     They enticed him with tickets to sporting events. 

          They lured him with travels abroad. 

     It's fixed so his mother avoids paying rents. 

          Plain to see how the system is flawed. 

     Quid pro quos, "deese-fer-dough"s, payoffs 'n' perks: 

          around the world Clarence is flown 

     by a gang of unscrupulous billionaire jerks: 

          Ask Anita! We all should have known. 

The Further Adventures of Pig Pearl & The Gabbermaus

     Pig Pearl: 

"Pronounce your 'Vanish the Varmint' magic words."
     The Gabbermaus: 

"Tur-tum-tup...rut-rum-rup...mut-mup-mur...put-pum-pur!"
     Pig Pearl: 

"They didn't work: he's still here." 

"Plan 81 From Outer Space," "Stalag 289" & 30 More Geometrically Expanded Cinema Sequels

 "The 1521 Steps": It's a very large network of spies. 

 "3025 Days at Peking": If I have to eat one more bowl of fried rice I'm gonna throw up. 

 "Passenger 3249":  Drink service on that flight must take forever. 

 "The Forty-Nine-Per-Cent Solution": It sure beats shag tobacco and black coffee but we're gonna need a bigger hypodermic needle. . 

 "Henry XXV": Just once more into the breach, I promise. -- per GFH 

 "Twenty-five Weeks in a Balloon": There goes the last of the toilet paper...

 "Snow White and the Forty-Nine Dwarfs": Sleepy, Happy, Doc, Groucho,  Chico, Harpo . . . -- per GFH 

 "The 25,000,000 Fingers of Dr. T": I’m not looking forward to Doe-Me-Doe   Day. -- per GFH 

 "Cheaper by the Gross": This family’s a population bomb! -- per GFH 

 "Fahrenheit 203401": Republicans still claim climate change is a hoax. --   per GFH  

 "Thirty-six Degrees of Separation": Introducing Leo Jann, Imre Varhidi,  David Unaipon, Alfred Duggan-Cronin, Mahmud al-Kashgari... -- per EAH 

     "Forty-Nine Brides for Forty-Nine Brothers": Introducing Herod, Ishmael.   Judas, Kohath, Lamach, Methuselah, Nimrod, Obadiah, Philetus… -- per JB 

     "The One Hundred Commandments": We're gonna need a bigger ark.

     "72 1/4": That's counting all those 8mm home movies Fellini shot in grade school.

     "144 Angry Men": We're gonna need a bigger jury room.

      "7056 Charing Cross Road": Halfway to Bath just for used books...?

     "4,004,001: A Space Odyssey": Introducing the HAL 90,000.

     "Around the World in 6400 Days": No boats, no balloons, just one old elephant.

    "400,000,000 Leagues Under the Sea":

     "10,101 Dalmatians": We're gonna need a bigger hook-and-ladder truck.

     "Two Hundred Fifty Six Candles":

     "Miracle on 1156th Street": Are we still in Harlem...?

     "Apollo 169":

     "Ocean's One Hundred Twenty One":

     "The 160,000 Blows":

     "THX 12950044": Even in the far future, over-population remains unaddressed.

     "Twenty-five Easy Pieces":

     "Twenty-five Hundred Shades of Grey":

     "90 1/4 Weeks":

     "10:40 to Yuma":

     "Plan 81 From Outer Space":

     "Stalag 289": The Reich's prison system was larger than we thought. -- per GFH

The Theta Threnodies

A mathematician from Bath 

pads a a most misanthropical path. 
Waxing angry, ofttimes 
he's found casting out primes. 
We in Bath flee the wrath that he hath. 

Says a mirthless flat-earther from Perth, 
“I see breadth -- i.e., width -- but no girth. 
Lacking visceral fitness,  
my fate’s been to witness 
such dearth since my unworthy birth.” 

In Bethesda, one Seth met his death 
smoking meth, which arrested his breath. 
Seth's obit express’d  
sev’ral shibboleths: “Rest 
grant him, Lord” -- plus (unt'ward...?) “More is leth.” 

A Christmas wreath vendor from Meath 

gathers heather on Godlingston Heath, 

where he harvests the gorse --  

and the goosegrass, of course, 
which he clips with his lips or his teeth.