Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda or Augmented Marlon (A Nonsense Rhyme)

I coulda had class, coulda been a contenda.

I shoulda had kvass, shoulda went on a benda.
I’d pass clad in Blass, if my thighs had been slenda.

I shoulda spent brass, woulda been "Da Big Spenda."
I'd blast bad trad jazz, had I had me a Fenda.
I coulda been crass: tact ain’t par for my genda.

Coulda coupled with Cass, but instead I wed Brenda.
I should pad may ass, ‘cuz my butt’s somewhat tenda.
I coulda passed gas, then sass’d, “Retoin ta senda!”

I coulda had bass; striped, it woulda been tenda.
I woulda smoked grass but I hadn’t a venda.
I should attend Mass. (Would I snooze through the splenda?)

I shoulda grabbed passes to “Prisoner of Zenda.”
I would stand a glass for my fellow West Endas.
I coulda danced chasse, woulda filmed with Wim Wendas.

I should sport a girdle instead of suspendas.
I could…but, alas: I’ve my own bent agendas.
I’ve reached an impasse. Now, please, pen your addendas.