Said Aramis Porthos... An Abcedarial TerzarematicTour de Force

Three lines per verse explicate three perverse protagonists per verse. Enjoy! And while you're at it, enjoy the rhyme scheme: ABA, BCB, CDC and so on. Mr. Alighieri would approve , as would, it's hoped, Mr. Perec. 

Said Aramis, "Porthos! I'm p.o.'d at Athos!
He's pilfer'd my purple panache, for Pete's sake.
I but multiply Ps: Athos bathes in feign'd bathos." 

Said Adam to Eve, "Don't go b'lieving no snake!
Even schoolboys don't trust tales some serpent, some asp or
some reptilian tells. Nope: that rascal's a rake!"  

Said Balthazar, "Melchior! Steer clear of Caspar!
The bloke's gifting gold to some boychik. You know
ev'ry bloke who gifts gold most gods label a jasper*?"

* A rustic; a hick; a suspicious character 

Said Curly to Larry, "Show no love to Mo. 

He's intrusive; he's crude. He's abusive; he's rude.

Give Mo pokes? That's "pokay"! As for hugs, just say 'M'no!'"

Said Donny to Walter, "I'm drugg'd with The Dude.

He's wa-a-a-ay wasted on weed. Dude abides...in a trance.
If he's late for the tournament, tell him, 'Get screwed!'.")

Said Evers to Tinker, "First, Chance has no chance!

Moving Frank from home plate to first base? Seelee's folly!
Though such switcharoos seem first-rate -- at first glance. 

Said Fran to her Kukla, "I fear for our Ollie. 

He's backing -- alas: do you think I'm too picky? –
up Penniman* singing 'Good Golly, Miss Molly.'"

* Richard Penniman aka Little Richard 

Said Goofy to Donald, "I'm sick of young Mickey:
that rodent's robustless. That murine's sans mettle. 
'...ridiculus mus.'* In a word: Mickey's icky!"

* Roman lyric poet Horace's "Parturient montes, nascetur 
ridiculus mus" translates "Mountains will labor. What's 
born...? A ridiculous mouse!" 

Said Hansel, chastising the Witch, "Getting Gretel

to gorge on ginn'd gingerbread -- (thanks: I'm full up) –
you've deflated her fitness and fuck'd with her fettle."

Said Ignatz to Krazy, "With Offisa Pupp

I've an off/on relationship: Pupp's quite contrary
on weekdays; come week's end, Pupp's quick to bark 'Yup!'"

Said Jesus to Joseph, "Tell Mom (nee Ms. Mary):

those calling her 'Mrs.' or 'Miss' commit error.
She's neither yet both*...while I'm slap-happy -- very!"

* At issue is the Catholic dogma of the virgin birth -- 
a concept the young Nazarene seems to have difficulty 
swallowing.

Said Kate, "Too late, Jaclyn. I'm fed up with Farrah, 

whose hair's hanks forever flip thither and yon –
"far(ra)'" less "the athletic one" -- far more chimera!"

Said Leia to Luke, "Cast an eye upon Han! 

Since the Force has deserted him, so has The Knack:
Mr. Solo's no Vaughn,* nor is Han my Don Juan."

* Robert Vaughn portrayed Napoleon Solo in the 60s 
TV thriller "The Man from U.N.C.L.E."

Said Manny to Mo, "He's a madman, is Jack,

selling gear shifts for Fords -- automatic and stick –
telling customers, 'Should they not work, bring 'em back.'"

Said Nora to Asta, "Who's pickl'd? It’s Nick

(though, if ask'd, he insists, 'I'm not sotted, just sleepy,
and epigrammatic.') In fact, Nick's just thick."

Said Olive to Popeye, "I'm sick about Swee'Pea:

both you and I walk; Swee' does nothing but crawl.
While your arms appear weird, Swee'Pea's crawling's just 
                                                                   creepy." 

Said Peter to Mary, "Appalling! That's Paul."

Though he crack'd my guitar, I hear no 'culpa: mea.'
(A Martin...? A Cort...? I no longer recall.)

Said Quixote to Sancho, "I've dump'd Dulcinea.

Her murmur's too macho; her upper lip's hairy.
She colors that hair using tar from La Brea.

Said Ron to Hermione, " How d'you bear Harry...?

He keeps casting spells though I've begg'd him to stop.
What was once my pet gerbil's become my canary."

Said Snap to young Crackle, "I'm hopping mad! Pop's

added chalk to our Krispies. (He's also pour'd lime in.)
Here! Hold the cad down while I summon some cops."

Said Theodore, "A-a-a-a-alvin! So simple is Simon!

While we're far from fat, he insists, 'I'm the thinnest' – er-
roneous, surely...but back to my rhymin.'"

Said Underdog, "Cad! Tell mad Simon Bar Sinister:

'Cast from your eye that malevolent glint!'
(If he'll not, I'll be forced my quick fix to administer.)" 

Said Vic to young Bullets, "I'm bumm'd out by Clint:

he's become the most overweight whale in our pod.
Why he's pack'd on those pounds I've no tint of a hint."

Said Wynkin to Blynkin, "He's nasty, is Nod:

See the shoe he suggests for our sailing? So scruffy!
Plus, going with Nod's plan will leave me ill shod."

Said Xander to Willow, "I can't believe Buffy.

Does vanquishing vampires take more than a minim...?
I tell her it can't, but the girl gets all huffy."

Said the Yahoo to Lemuel, "Why won't the Houyhnhnm

desist with his wash tub 'n' ironing board?
Tell him cease and desist or I'll tackle 'n' skin him."

Said Zaphod to Arthur, "I'm fed up with Ford.

He would none of the galaxy leave unexp-_______*…
("Seems this time the tank's empty of rhymes," Zaphod 
                                                                  roar'd.)"

* '-loited? -loded, -osed? -anded, -ected, -edient? -edited? 

Can the tank, indeed, be empty of rhymes? (Or, for 
that matter, of metrical patterns?)