Texts I Won't Read

Alumni donation solicitation including enclosures wherein my name's misspelled and my assigned graduation date is incorrectly indicated
Blog entry posted by Ms. Mittens, Aunt Hortense's uppity angora
Credits following any of the last several Rocky movies
Doctoral dissertation rigorously detailing certain modal irregularities observed by the candidate in several medieval Frankish Kyries
Edda entitled, in English, "Eigil's Eighty Eight Epic Exploits"
Fortune cookie insert using what are assumed to be authentic Chinese characters
Government warning label outlining penalties for its removal sewn onto new rumpus room throw pillows
Hate mail addressed to 'Current Occupant'
Instruction manual (in German) for my ex-wife’s deceased Uncle Carl's reel-to-reel wire recorder
Junk mailings mistakenly delivered to neighbor and regularly returned to me by him
KKK regional quarterly newsletter
Letter from Santa thanking young Timmie for “the yummy milk and cookies”
Message in not-quite-empty Thums Up bottle
Notae bene
Original Sanskrit vegan recipes for 100 dishes to prepare using chickpeas
Palimpsests
Quiz notes discovered in high-school yearbook from 1947
Russian translation of…anything
Secret decoder ring message detailing how to order secret decoder ring
To-do list of mine from last year jotted just prior to my myocardial infarction  
Underwater-readable ransom note
Voyager golden record currently exiting the solar system
Warning label on edible crayons manufactured in North Korea
“Xmas Greetings from Topeka” family newsletter (in green ink on red stock) from cousin Bela’s dog
“You may already be a winner” direct mail envelope
Zen koan incorporated into geranium tattoo on blind date’s left bicep