Ladies First!

RALPH AND ALICE 

                         ^AND RALPH

     "But of 

course: who'd not love to get
sent "to the moon"…? 

     Why don't 

you go there, via di-
vorce court, you goon!"

PORGY AND BESS 

                         ^AND PORGY

     "It's 

you who've "got plenty o'
nuttin'," eh, Porg…?

     Me…? I'm

book'd 'board that boat leavin'
soon for New Yorg!"

SONNY AND CHER 

                          ^AND SONNY

     "You

sport hang-dog threads and your
descant's off-key, neighb,'

     but

listen up carefully: 

you ain't got me, Babe!"

ROY AND DALE 

                     ^AND ROY

     "Granted:

your trails are happy (though
yours are wa-a-ay bigger),

     but

what about my trails…? (And 
stop nuzzling Trigger!)"

ADAM AND EVE 

                     ^AND ADAM

     "Did I

not warn thou: 'Apples shalt
prove a mistake!'…?

     But thou'll

blame this on me, won't thou…?
Thou 'n' thy snake!"

KUKLA AND FRAN 

                         ^AND KUKLA

     "Burr's

right hand makes Ollie the
wry raconteur: 

     deftly

handled. But where is Burr's
other hand…? Burr...!!"

HANSEL AND GRETEL 

                              ^AND HANSEL

     "No, I

don't like the look of that
candy house, Hans.

     Why…? You've

not learned to keep your sweet
tooth in your pants!"

OZZIE AND HARRIET 

                             ^AND OZZIE

     "I've got

evidence, Oz, that our
near neighbor Thorny

     lends

too many hands. In a
nutshell,Thorn's horny!"

RICK AND ILSA 

                     ^AND RICK

     "Promis’d

you: 'We'll have Paris!' I
surrejoin’d, 'Yippie!' --

     mis-

led 'bout your bed-sit in
Schitt, Mississippi."*

    * In fact, Shaw, Mississippi.

DICK AND JANE 

                      ^AND DICK

     "Back

seats be no longer this
chick's bailiwick!

     It’s too

tiresome to ever play
'Jane' to your 'Dick'!"

REGIS AND KATHIE LEE 

                                 ^AND REGIS

     "My

mirror... (I know, Reege: I'm 

loathsome to boast!)

     ...still in-

sists I was Talk's hottest -- 
Talk's hautest! -- host."

HI AND LOIS 

                  ^AND HI

     "You proved

mildly jocose, Hi -- though
often a duncehead.

     To 

true fans of funnies, though,
no Dagwood Bumstead!"

MORK AND MINDY 

                         ^AND MORK

     "Man, I

mean it: enough with the
'na-nu, na-nu,' you man-
iacal, rainbow-braced
looney tune, you!" 

NICK  AND NORA 

                        ^AND NICK

     "Look here,

Nick: you’ve got DTs! And
Asta wants walkees!! And
I'm a bit 'peevees'!!! (Yeah:
this here’s litotes.)"

HAMLET AND OPHELIA 

                                ^AND HAMLET

     "E-

nough with the ghosts! Ban the
blood! Dump the guts!

     Oh, an'

nix the damn complex: you're 

driving me nuts!"

CUPID AND PSYCHE 

                            ^AND CUPID

     "To

sum up your-'n'-my psychody-
namic for you, Cupid:

     mine’s a

single super-ego. Yours is
surely more a group id."

KING AND QUEEN 

                         ^AND KING

     "All your

penny-ante card sharps claim they 

trump me. Nonetheless

     they always

fail to peek behind the throne. So...
anyone for chess…?"

OSSIE AND RUBY 

                        ^AND OSSIE

     "You in-

sist that all the marquees list our
first names alphabetic'lly.

     Your

obit's misspell'd 'Uzzie.' (Seems, at
last, I'm first...kismetic'lly.)"

HARRY MET SALLY 

                          ^MET HARRY

     "As I

order'd, you blink'd -- as per 

u., Your Remissness. 

     So...

what am I havin'...? That's
none o' your business!"

THE CAPTAIN AND TENNILE 

                                       ^AND THE CAPTAIN

     "Of

late I've determin'd that second banana's de-
cidedly not where it's at. 

     Mister,

you may say 'muskrat.' "Well," I reply, "'shmuskrat!' (And, 

by the bye, shitcan the hat!)"

KIRK AND UHURA 

                         ^AND KIRK

    "Your

fans think you're spectacular. You
do sport biggish feet.

     Still I

don't see me -- alone with you -- down
in no holosuite."

ARCHIE AND VERONICA 

                                  ^AND ARCHIE

     "C'est

autre chose, Arch. Oui, there 

is someone new.

     I'm now

sleepin' with Betty. Voi-
la: billets-doux!"

PETER AND WENDY
                           ^AND PETER

     "Why don't

you 'n' your tinkley friend
fly on ahead, Pete.

     I'm

hailin' a hansom 'n'
hittin' my bedsheet!"

SOCRATES AND XANTHIPPE 

                                       ^AND SOCRATES

     "Your

dialogue, 'On Navel Gazing,'
Soc...? You'd best workshop it.

     Put some

feelers out, assess the breeze...or,
why not simply drop it…?!"

JOHN AND YOKO 

                       ^AND JOHN

     "You

do it in the road, John, and you
do it all alone.

     So...who the

hell d'ya think we are...? Some New Age 

Darby and Joan...?" 

SCOTT AND ZELDA 

                           ^AND SCOTT

     "Say,

isn't that my manuscript you're 

hiding 'neath your hat...?

     Hey, Scott...

did not I ...? Why, you klepto-

bastard: I wrote that!"

     "Goodnight! (Take no truck

from no knight!) And good luck!" 

                          -- Edward Darr-Murrow