"I attack all things new. I'm but barely alive..." Autoantipathetic ABC; or, O Loathsome Me (from AmalgaMates)

I attack all things new. I'm but barely alive.
No, I haven't a clue. I'm deficient in drive.
All my energy's spent and my faith is a sham.
Did I gamble the rent...? Yes. (I hate who I am.)
I'm deep into the booze. When I'm jealous, I pout.
I garrotted my muse once my luck had run out.
I am manic yet dim. I persistently bore.
I'm wa-a-ay out on a limb. My libido is poor.
I'm too quick to accuse. In your wounds I'll rub salt.
I consistently lose. Want the truth...? It's my fault.
I am up to no good. I am vain to the bone.
I will not (though I should). I am xenophobe-prone.
Though I yearn to be hip I wind up acting twee:
I'm a zero, a zip. But, what d'you think of me...?

"Curly, Moe, Larry, Shemp..." How They Died; or, Necrologue: Shuffling Off This Mortal Coil

Curly, Moe, Larry, Shemp: all devolv'd to room temp.
"First Cartoonist" Thom Nast wound up breathing his last.
Colin's Granddaddy Firth has departed this earth.
When will you and/or me shuffle off this m.c....?

Codicologist Morse rides -- behold! -- a pale horse.
Culture icon Joan Quarm, late last year, bought the farm.
Mogul Friedrich ("Fritz") Krupp watch'd his number come up.
When will you and/or me shuffle off this m.c....?

Mr. John Albert Macy's now pushing up daisies.
One Solomon Phipps fin'lly cash'd in his chips.
Justice Morrison Waite simply slipp'd off the plate.
When will you and/or me shuffle off this m.c....? 

All (or most) of the Bysshes now sleep with the fishes.
St. Christopher Wade...? Made to drink the Kool Aid.
Herr Hermanus van't Hoff softly exited off.
When will you and/or me shuffle off this m.c....?

Rudi (jazz critic) Blesh went the way of all flesh.
Ms. Elizabeth Baker en fin met her Maker.
Li'l Abner's Al Capp took a final dirt nap.
When will you and/or me shuffle off this m.c....?

Couple Carl and Blanch Jost gravely gave up the ghost.
Poet Julia Ward Howe waved, then took her last bow.
Joseph Smith and his wives...? All of them lost their lives.
when will you and/or me shuffle off this m.c....? 

Right-winger John Birch veer'd...then fell off his perch.
Charles Caldwell McCabe...? In the bosom of Abe.
Messrs E. and K. Wynn (pop 'n' son) packed it in.
When will you and/or me shuffle off this m.c....?

Rufus, Tom and John Choates all donn'd pine overcoats.
Kicked the bucket did Boggs: Ephraim popp'd his clogs.
Even "Prosp" Merimee, in the end, pass'd away.
When will you and/or me shuffle off this m.c....?

"Once, the world was just fire or earth, water or air..." Science Schmyence! E Equals M C Squared: A Disquisition on an Equation

Once, the world was just fire or earth,
water or air.
That's when God was head honcho.
Dissenters? Grilled rare!
Then a diff'rent reality
Albert E. bared:
it seems e equaled m
times the speed of light squared.

Cast your mind back to Al,
him of mad-as-March hair.
To eschew Albert's view of the u...?
Who dared dare...?
Yet some did disagree.
I, for one, bellowed, "Merde!
Are you shittin' me...?
Energy's m times c squared...?" 

"What else? Matter's dark...?
Holes black? Quarks everywhere...?
Leapin' leptons...? Bad bosons...?
Far fruitier fare...?
My Old Testament cosmos
can not be repaired --
not when energy's mass
times the speed of light squared.

"Are there cosmoi in parallel...?
Damned if I care!
Does my watch slow the faster I go...?
C'est la guerre!
I'd prefer Al'd not shared.
I'd have rather been spared
each new round which compounds
E be (zounds!) mc²."

"Newt...neuter...nudist..." Posi-, Compara-, Superla-: A Digression on Degrees (Illustration)

Illustration in Pentel on photocopy paper by N. Smithe-Magee

"Alice, an Alice-blue alga..." Female Critters of Color Who Devour Their Mates

Libby, a lavender Labrador,
lusts for Oscar, an ochre-hued ocelot.
Lib admits to her crush. 
But Lib's, likewise, a lush,
so Lib lavishes love on the sauce a lot.

Callie, a Kelly-green kitten,
swoons for Salman, a salmon-hued salmon.
Feline Callie finds fish
such as Salman 'delish.'
"He's my guy, do or die, feast or famine."

Emma, an emerald emu,
esteems Hector, electric-blue gnu.
Em's love's so extreme 
she decks Hec with whipp'd cream
and a cherry. (Indeed: wouldn't you...?)

Vida, a violet viper,
feels for Francis, a forest-green frog.
Vida thought Francis looked 
just like frogs legs uncooked.   
Frank thought Vida looked just like a log.

Alma, an Alice-blue alga,
fancies Gracchus and Bacchus, black yaks.
To the query, "Why two...?" 
Alice parries, "So'd you:
each yak's knacks impact t'other yak's lacks."

Ruby, a ruby-red booby,

bride of Barry, a Barium bee.

keeps, as well, one vermilion, 
one blue crocodilian,

for four feast as frug'lly as three.

Liz, an alizarin lizard,

craves José, a beige budgerigar.

Although wedded to Ted, 
a woad Rhode Island Red,

she prefers her beige budgie (so far).

Kiki, a khaki okapi,

loves a buffalo -- buff-tinted Biff.

But an orange and wan-
colored orangutan

sports a quaff she finds spiffy. Meet Cliff!

Sue, a cerulean sea lion,

mad for Adam, a madder-hued adder,

digs, addition'lly, Cab, 
a dun Dungeness crab.

Sue's, indeed, due to feed on the latter.

"Wallace ("Wally") Amos: his cookies made him famous..." Thought on the Anniversary of Freeman Gosden's Death (December 10th)

Wallace ("Wally") Amos:
his cookies made him famous.
I ate a few. I grew...and grew.
You too...? And who could blame us...?

F. Gosden, black'd-up Amos:
his racist faces shame us.
To spot such blot one's not, mein Gott,
required to hire a shamus.

How rare, this pair of Amoi!
One wins. His twin's quite lame. Oy!
Still, much the same,
it's fair to claim,
as neither'd brook the name 'boy.'

"Am I right to suppose..." Following Carl; or, Dressed for Succession? (from What A's Not For)

Am I right to suppose
I know no one who knows
if this Neil deGrasse Tyson guy
chose his own clothes...? 

Need I further confess
that it's anyone's guess
if this boss Cosmosnaut bothers
aught as to dress...?

My poor brain's in a spin:
Tyson's trousseau's a sin!
Minus neckwear, who'd trek where
no man's ever been...?

Nor it sure wouldn't hurt
to Ann Druyan to blurt,
"Have you tried to provide Neil
Carl's turtleneck shirt...?"

"I've got just the one kidney..." Just The One: Diagnosis & Inquiry

     I've got 
just the one kidney. Yep! Only the one.
     Were I, 
somehow, to lose it, why, then I'd have none.
     I've got 
just the one kidney, a snap-bean-shaped curve
     I could 
sever in twain, had I requisite nerve.

     I've got 
just the one kidney. Time was, I had two.
     So: why 
vanish'd the second...? I'm sure I've no clue.
     I've got 
just the one kidney. What caused this, I'm told,
     was a 
tumble I took when but half a week old.

     I've got 
just the one kidney. Some claim they've got three.
     How I 
wish I own'd extras, but, hey...that's just me.
     I've got 
just the one kidney. (I scarf kidney pie
     when I 
breakfast in Brighton, nor've never known why.)

     I've got 
just the one kidney. It's one I can't spare.
     For as 
long as I've got it, I'm walking on air.
     I've got 
just the one kidney. Friends boast they've a few,
     to which, 
someday, they'll stake me. How many have you...?

"Question poet Rainer Rilke..." Ilka Bilk: A Nonsense Rhyme (from AmalgaMates)

Question poet Rainer Rilke. Ask the Castro's Harvey Milk.
Put the screws to Sergeant Bilko. Grill each counsel taking silk:
"If thrice-married Ilka Chase wed clarinetist Acker Bilk,
could you your nonsense demons face...? Would you acknowledge Ilka Bilk...?"

Enjoin the junkster Michael Milken. Query dunkster "Highlight" Wilkins.
Sweat "Twelve Days"'s maids a-milkin.' Needle newsman Dexter Filkins:
"Were it true that Ilka Chase got hitched to Mr. Acker Bilk,
would you forgive with style and grace...? Or would you taser Ilka Bilk...?"

Through the wringer put a silkie. Pick the brains of Wendell Wilkie. 
Quiz Britt (Mai) or Sommer (Elke). Ask 'em all, and all their ilk: "Hey!
Had the former Ilka Chase plied troth to now-dead Acker Bilk,
might ya'll commit the coup-de-grace and slap the face of Ilka Bilk...?"

Ask who pens a J. S. Mill key. Check each army sergeant's drill key.
Wait, and watch, and wonder, "Will Keye Luke be renamed "Buttermilk...?"
(But I digress.) Had Ilka Chase declared "I do" to Acker Bilk,
would you choose user interface to plead the case of Ilka Bilk...?

"Who bans the paths of least resistance..." Einstein on Nonlocality: A Particle Physics Lesson in Rhyme

Who bans 
the paths of least resistance,
panning 
peaceful coexistence...?
Albert, 
dissing his assistants:
"Spooky 
action at a distance."

"There once was a Jew name o' Jesus..." Fools for Gods: Religious Figures in Limericks (from What A's Not For)

There once was a Jew name o' Jesus
who kept sep'rate his meat from his cheeses.
Said this Naz, "Give the Lord
all that thou canst afford.
Give the king all the bling that be Caesa's."

There once was a Meccan -- Mohammed.
Friends wrote down stuff Moh said, 'cuz Moh stamm'ed.
"Gi-...gi-...give alms,"Moh'd say.
"Pray fi-...five times each day!
"De-...decap each cha-...chap who's ha-...hamm'ed."

'Midst Egyptian-born Juden lived Moses
who deemed one god "mui big quelque chose." Is
that stone tablet Mose shows
proving fruitful...? God knows!
(Re the seventeen typos: were those his...?)

A Hindu, Siddhartha Gautama,
was a fan of both Sramma and Brahma.
(Siddh's statues, you'll notice,
show Siddh in Full Lotus
and, often, without his pajama.) 

A Latter-Day Saint known as Smith
judged monogamous marriage "a myth."
Thirty women Smith wived.
In such style, Smitty thrived.
(On his death bed, Smith pleaded the fi'th.) 

In his youth, Mrs. Luther's boy Martin
Catholicity hadn't his heart in.
First, he's dissing the Pope,
with whom Marty can't cope. 
Next, a brand-new religion Mart's startin.' 

Have you heard of the Puritan Fox,
a Dissenter clear down to his socks...?
George makes oodles of Friends
as his way west George wends.
(That ain't George on your cereal box.)

People chastise the Calvinist John,
who was born in the town of Noyon:
"You twee textual critic: 
you're anti-Semitic!
What's more, you abhor the Qur'an!"

What a grim Graham cracker was Billy,
panning predestination so shrilly.
Now Bill's gone to his rest.
Will God yell, "Ya'll de best!"...?
Or will Will's welcome prove a tad chilly...?