Adrian's Arsenal or Zane's Stick Figures: A Constrained Rhyme

Zany stick figyurs (sic) sketch’d by Zane.You but scroll to butt whole worlds of pain.
Chum: beware l’homme de guerre avec sword! His fell move may well prove untoward.
Let’s assume gents with boomerangs might take their best shots from nests out of sight.
Even kings heaving slingshotted stone may assail. (David’s tale's not unknown.)
Do avoid ye the ‘droid with a wand! Run! Go now! (None know how to respond.)
Note twin schmos totin’ bows. (Where’s his br’er? Skip their barrows: tipped arrows! Take care!
Fear this guy: near his thigh rests a knife. Who’s not bettin’ he’ll threaten your life?
Ought the person caught cursin’ wield axes? Not at all! Swat that gall ‘fore it waxes.
Queer's the luck: here’s a schmuck with a crossbow. ‘Nuf’s enuf! None need suffer such loss. Go!
Shit! His staff splits this chaff from its wheat. Clue the gent: “You! Git bent!” [Hit ‘Delete’!]
When a bloke’s yen’s to poke with his spear your left side, what’s left? Hide! Disappear!
Chimes next cad, “I’m Rex Badd! Fear my pata!” Joke’s on him: folks him limn “vir non grata.”
Ought a lad thought “not bad” with his whips get to snag the lit fag ‘tween your lips?
Men may writhe when with scythe you attack ‘em. Moral’s clear: more foil fear when they pack ‘em.
"E-e-eek! A bomb!" squeaks the Mom of this fellow. ("Show no fear!"'s what the dear gal should bellow.)
Ev’ry boychik who toyes (sic) with hammer must be tarr'd. (Trust you'll pardon my grammar.)
Might who wields light new shields run the risk of a scrap with a chap with a disc?
Sound th’alarm! Bounder’s armed with a stick. Answer? Charm: lance his karma with schtick.
Tykes with nothin’ – like Goths in old Edda -- combat blind, though that kind should know betta.
“Your soul’s dead,” who's droll said, “empty-handed. Sans one’s gun, man’s undone: ‘no-man’s land’ed!”

An Abecedarial Voyage 'Round Archaedian Acres' Senior Center: Journey One

A is for Abe with his unfunded pension.
B is for Babs with severe hypertension.
C is for Carl, largely vegetative.
D is for Dotty whose mem’ry’s a sieve.
E is for Esther awaiting a heart.
F is for Fred of the flatulent fart.
G is for Gordon who suffers from gout.
H is for Helga whose hair’s fallen out.
I is for Ida. The itching’s come back.
J is for Johnny whose stools have turned black.
K is for Kurt who has holes in his colon.
L is for Lu. Her identity? Stolen.
M is for Maud with a face like a prune.
N is for Nick: turned 100 last June.
O is for Oscar. The man is obese.
P is for Pearl. (Best to leave Pearl in peace.)
Q is for Queenie who has to be fed.
R is for Ralph who’d be better off dead.
S is for Sylvie: can’t hear worth a damn.
T is for Tim, suff’ring flashbacks from Nam.
U’s for Umberto. Docs can’t find a cure.
V is for Vince: old…but still immature.
W’s Wilfred whose hemorrhoids swell.
X is for Xan of the singular smell.
Y’s for Yolanda: she’s had a bad fall.
Z is for ZaSu: she’ll outlive us all.

A Version of Straw or A R T S Variations: A Constrained Anagram

A version of 'straw' drawled dans rural UK – or

some Sunnis, of whom one is labeled "Uday."   

     [STRA or SART]

Sister Tee-Anne, my parochial school third-grade teach-... (the ol' bat) – or

some "mice" (see 'S' RAT*)    

     [SR. T. A. or RATS]

A "s(m)art" reassembly (its order's reversed!) – or

a heav(enl)y body (Let's hope she don't burst!)   

     [TRA'S, i.e., S'ART  backwards, or STAR]

Certain tin coins, known to net but small worth – or

some vocables sung 'round the day of His birth."    

     [Both TRAS, or, "TRA"s -- 'tra-la-la's]

A half man/half goat – or

the 19th lab rodent (See RATS*) in experiments needing a coat.

     SAT'R (sat(y)r) or 'S' RAT – i.e., 19th in the series

More than the single aesthetical skill – or

to take into "custodie officielle."  

     [ARTS or AR'ST (ar(re)st)]

Imperial Russia's ex-ruler (so-called) – or

"Tough Twinkies, Herr Sun God! (You've heard not? He's bald!) 

     [TSAR or T.S., RA!]

The Student Achievement Test taken for Russe, or

the road from Caracas to Chile's caboose.

     [RSAT or RT. SA (Rt. South America, i.e., some trans-American highway or other)]

Aromas and odors, some scents and a smell – or

Art (Fish 'n’ Chips) Treacher's ol' paterfamil-'.  

     [AT'RS (at(ta)rs) or A.T., SR. (A.T. Sr.)]

The past participle of "reest" -- viz., "to balk" (lingua veterinarian) -- or...

Rastafarian.

     [RAST or R'STA (r(a)sta)]

Early to rise – or,

according to one or another criterion, categorize.  

     [AST'R (ast(i)r) or AS'RT (as(so)rt)]

Electroshock gun, used precipitously – or

Brit sailors (named Jack, serendipitously).  

     [TAS'R (tas(e)r) or TARS]

A half man/half goat running 'round...in reverse (cf  SAT'R above) – or

the end of this verse!

     [R'TAS (i.e., SAT'R  (sat(y)r) spelt backwards]

43 Errors in Alphabetical Order inAlphabetical Order

A is for:
'a little' under 'the weather'
'a man' after 'me own heart'
'are you' following 'me'

B is for:
'bassoons sound' lower than 'flutes'

C is for:
'conducting my' post 'mortem'

D is for:
'down' behind 'enemy lines'
'desire' under 'the elms'

E is for:
'eggs' over 'easy'

F is for:
'far' above 'Cuyoga’s waters'

G is for:
'get thee' behind 'me Satin'

H is for:
'H' before 'B-U-T'
'hitting' below 'the belt'

I is for:
'i' before 'e (except after c)'
'it’s right' under 'your nose'
'I’ve got you' under 'my skin'

J is for:
'June is bustin’ out all' over 'all over the meadow and the hill'

K is for:
'Kilimanjaro’s' higher than 'Mount Everest'

L is for:
'lies' just below 'the surface'

M is for:
'mind' over 'matter'
'move' over 'darling'

N is for:
'no one arrives' later than 'George'

O is for:
'one flew' over 'the cuckoo‘s nest'

P is for:
'please sing' on top of 'old smoky'
putting 'one' over 'on Boehner'

Q is for:
'quit' prior to 'getting caught'

R is for:
'relaxing' apres 'ski'
'right' in front of 'my eyes'

S is for:
'she‘s walking' behind 'you'
'shred' ahead of 'lettuce'
'sit' in back of 'the bus'
'starred in' ante 'maim'

T is for:
'the' preceding 'is a paid political announcement'
'thyme' after 'time'
'two years' before 'the mast'

U is for:
'up' above 'the world so high'

V is for:
'van Gogh's' over 'the top'

W is for:
' W thinks he’s' above 'the law'
'well' above 'the speed limit'

X is for:
'Xaviera’s' leading 'man'

Y is for:
'yet wave' o’er 'the land of the free'
'you’re' above 'suspicion'
'you’ve got me' in between 'the devil' and 'the deep blue sea'

Z is for:
'ziggurats found' atop 'underground tombs'

Molecules Not Occuring In Nature: A Periodiotic Table

  
Molecular Anarchy:  No  Mo  



Molecular Brews:  Re  Al   Al  Es

Molecular Bachman:  S  H  Uut   Uup

Molecular Barney Frank:  Ta  K  Es   No  K  Ra  P

  

Molecular Colbert:  S  Te  P  He  N

Molecular Cavities:  Co  Ca  Co  La



Molecular Democracy:  I    V  O  Te



Molecular Extravagance:  O  P  Ra  H

Molecular Elf:  Cl  Au  S



Molecular Fruited Plain:  Am  Er  I  Ca

Molecular Fruit Loop:  La  Dy  Ga  Ga 



Molecular GOP:  Fe  Ar



Molecular Herb:  Ho  P  S



Molecular Isles  Er  In



Molecular John:  B  Ar  Li  Co  Rn



Molecular KKK:  Ni  *  *  Er



Molecular L. A.:  La  La  La  Nd 



Molecular Motown:  W  O  Nd  Er



Molecular Newt:  Li  Ar  Li  Ar

Molecular Nobel:  Dy  No  M  I  Te



Molecular Obama:  Y  Es  He  Ca  N

Molecular Oprah:  W  In  F  Re  Y



Molecular Potus:  Ba  Ra  C  K

Molecular Paradise Regained:  No  Re  Pu  B  Li  Ca  N  S



Molecular Quitter:  Pa  Li  N



Molecular Rathskeller:  C  He  Er  S

Molecular Reverend: Al  S  H  Ar  Pt  O  N



Molecular Standard:  Am  I  B  Lu

Molecular Sultan:  Ba  Be  Ru  Th

Molecular Stockyards  C  H  I  C  Ag  O



Molecular Tijuana:  Si  Si  Se  No  Ra

Molecular Toast:   S   La   In   Te



Molecular U:



Molecular Veritas:  In  V  In  O

Molecular Vibraphone:  H  Am  Pt  O  N



Molecular Walker:  B  Uus  H

Molecular Wall Street: O  C  Cu  P  Y



Molecular X:



Molecular Yardbird:  P  Ar  K  Er



Molecular Zappa:   Mo   Th   Er

31 Statements About A Sans Serif Alphabet: A Constrained List

The twenty six letters: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
The six one-stroke letters: C I J O S U
The three four-stroke letters: E M W
The eight two-stroke letters: D G L P Q T V X
The nine three-stroke letters: A B F H K N R Y Z

1 Only one of the six one-stroke letters [ I ] is made using no curved stroke.

2 Only two of the three four-stroke letters [ M W ] are made using all diagonal strokes.

3 Only three of the 26 letters [ E M W ] are made using four strokes.

4 Only four of the eight two-stroke letters [ D G* Q P ] are made using one straight and one curved stroke.

     * The letter G can be, and is in some fonts, made with two strokes -- a 270-degree curved stroke followed by a short horizontal stroke. The editor regrets that a font employing such a two-stroke G was unavailable for this post. This caveat applies throughout these notes. 

5 Only five of the six one-stroke letters [ J U S C O ] are made using a (partly or fully) curved stroke.

6 Only six of the 26 letters [ I J U S C O ] are made using only one stroke.

7 Only seven of the nine three-stroke letters [ H F N K Y A Z ] are made using no curved strokes.

8 Only eight of the 26 letters [ V T L X P G* Q D ] are made using only two strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

9 Only nine of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R ] are made using only three strokes.

10 Only nine of the 26 letters [ I J U S C O E W M ] are made using either one or four strokes.

11 Only ten of the twelve three- or four-stroke letters [ H F N K Y A Z E M W ] are made using no curved strokes.

12 Only eleven of the 26 letters [ B D G* Q P R J U S C O ] are made using a curved stroke.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

13 Only eleven of the 26 letters [ V T L X D G* Q P E M W ]are made using an even number of strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

14 Only twelve of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R  E M W ] are made using either three or four strokes.

15 Only thirteen of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R D G* Q P ] occupy the left half of the Strokes chart.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

16 Only thirteen of the 26 letters [ V T L X I J U S C O E M W ] occupy the right half of the Strokes chart.

17 Only fourteen of the 26 letters [ D G* Q P V T L X I J U S C O ] are made using either one or two strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

18 Only fifteen of the 26 letters [ H F N K Y A Z V T L X I E M W ] are made using only straight strokes.

19 Only fifteen of the 26 letters [ I J U S C O B H F N K Y A Z R ] are made using an odd number of strokes.

20 Only sixteen of the 26 letters [ I J U S C O V T L X D G* Q P B R ] are made using either one stroke, two strokes, or three strokes employing curves.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

21 Only seventeen of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R D G* Q P V T L X ] are made using either two or three strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

22 Only eighteen of the 26 letters [ B F H N K Y A Z R I J U S C O E M W ] are made using either one, three or four strokes.

23 Only nineteen of the 26 letters [ B D G* Q P R V T L X I J U S C O E M W ] are made avoiding only three straight strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

24 Only twenty of the 26 one-, two or three-stroke letters [ I J U V T L X B H F D N K Y G* Q A Z P R ] use at least one straight stroke.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

25 Only twenty one of the 26 letters [ W E M I V T L X B H F D N K Y G* Q A Z P R ] are not single-curved-stroke letters.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

26 Only twenty two of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R V T L X I J U S C O E W M ] are made avoiding one straight and one curved stroke. 

27 Only twenty three of the 26 letters [ A B C D F G* H I J K L N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z ] are made using fewer than four strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

28 Only twenty four of the 26 letters [ A B C D E F G* H I J K L N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z ] are made using no more than two diagonal strokes.

29 Only twenty five of the 26 letters [ A B C D E F G* H J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z ] are made using only a single straight stroke.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

30 All twenty six of the 26 letters [ A B C D E F G* H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z ] are made using one, two, three or four strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

31 There are a total of 61 strokes -- straight or curved or both -- used in making the 26 letters.

Minnie Misses Her Marx (July 17, 1886): A Constrained Rhyme

Before there was a Herbert Marx (barnstorm your zep, O Herbert Marx!);
before there was a Milton Marx (bedpost your gum, O Milton Marx!);
before there was a Leonard Marx (eyeball your chick, O Leonard Marx!);
before there was an Arthur Marx (restring your harp, O Arthur Marx!);
before there was a Julius Marx (you’re such a grouch, O Julius Marx!);
before all five was Manfred Marx…

Hold!

Tocsins tolled. ‘Twas oh-h-h, so cold. (Was Manfred Marx’s fate foretold?)
Five Marx of silver; one of gold, one soul whose tale’s till now untold.
Day one, young Mannie’s jumping sharks (Min never scolds her Manfred Marx),
tho' Mann's unstrolled through city parks (Min never holds her Manfred Marx).
This tale, tho' droll, of Manfred Marx now’s told. Min weeps as Mann embarks.
Altho' Mann leaves on Min his marks, he leaves for good, does Manfred Marx.
With Pip and Joe he’ll know no larks (misunderstood be Manfred Marx),
nor speed read books of Muriel Spark’s (misunderstood, he: Manfred Marx),
nor hunt, with Lewis Carroll, snarks (misunderstood, wee Manfred Marx),
nor search with Jones for long-lost arks (misunderstood, see…? Manfred Marx).
He’ll split no element’ry quarks; he’ll walk alone through dawns, through darks.
Was ever cold, was Manfred Marx. Was never old, was Manfred Marx. 

Where Are the Marx Siblings? A Constrained Alphabet

      Where’s

AARPo, Biko, Croucho, Drummo, E-e-e-eek!o (christened Echo), Freako…

Geeko, Hyde-‘N’-Sikho, “I'm Uniqu'o,” J'maican Rummo, Keeko…

Leeko, Mozambiq'o, Numbo, “Ouch!”o, Poucho, Quixotico…

Reeko, Sharpo, Twyla Tharpo, Uomo, Jr., V.I.P-po...?

Where is Whippo? Where's Xanthippo? Where is Yummo? Where is Zeeko?*

(Not to mention Manfred,** Groucho, Harpo, Gummo, Zeppo, Chico.)

     * 'Zicko' is routinely substituted for 'Zeeko' here in anticipation
of a matching "short-i" pronunciation of the final line's 'Chico' --
one heard, and apparently preferred, in many quarters.

"Days of Xmas" Pageant Winners

In tenth place...? Piper Spighpin. Just to enter’s been her prayer.
In ninth place...? Lady Stanzing. She’s got something on the mayor.
In eighth place...? Mae d’Zamilkin. Mae's placed ninth the last nine years.
In seventh place...? Those Swanzas women. (Just ignore the jeers!)
In sixth place...? Keysha Layan. Keysha’s such a pretty girl!
In fifth place...? Golde Rinx. She vowed she’d “give the thing a whirl.”
In fourth...? Cal (“Inga”) Bertz: “To be a nominee’s enough,”
remark’d Ms. Bertz. In third...? Fran Chence, who's seen competing in the buff.
In second place...? Ms. Tyrtle Duffs. And now, the env’lope, please…
'Tis Anna Paard! Regina Paertrie! Tied! Your Xmas VIPs!*
   
     * Victors-In-Pageant

13 Future Pop Bands: A Nonsense Alphabet

ABle Was I? Palindromic and twee.
CaDre? Your grandkids will burn their CD.

EFfusion? A foursome less fab, more forlorn. 
GHosts In Machines? Five kazoos, one French Horn. 

I, Jambot? From Ijamsville? Ja! And they’ll jam. 
KLangfarber? Lukewarm about ’em? I am.) 

Mnemosyne’ll play in a Grateful Dead vein.  
OPerabuffa? They'll classic'lly train. 

QuaRe? They'll lose EuroVis ’69
STand Up, Stupid! Pre-pre-teens, though someday they'll shine.  

The Rays? A band formerly known as UV. 
The WaX? they will polish your Tesla -- for free.

San YZidro. This band will be blessed by the Pope.
& there’s bound to be more, so abandon all hope. 

The 12 Dyes of Xmas: A Constrained "Hue"ltide Carol

On the first day of Xmas, I sent a gift to
you…dyed
"Christmas-Without-You-It's-A"
Blue.

On the second day, another gift (you’re dared to put it 
down!)…dyed 
"Let's-Pretend-That-He-Is-Parson"
Brown.

On the third day, a further gift (one gives because one
can)…dyed
"Tannenbaum-O-Tannenbaum"
Tan.

On the fourth day, one more (I pray my verse has not gone
cold…dyed
"Rings-Six-Geese-A-Laying-Five"
Gold.

On the fifth day, more bounty, some from eBay, sight un-
seen…dyed
"Sleeves-And-Who-Else-But-My-Lady"
Green.

On the sixth day of Xmas, (do not open until 
Jan.) a gift dyed
"Claus-I-Saw-Mommy-Kissing"
Xan'a.*

     * Short for 'Xantha,' with its connotation of 'yellow.'

On the seventh -- you'll adore this one (at least I hope you
might) -- …dyed
"Christmas-I-Am-Dreaming-Of-A"
White.

On the eighth, again (I hear you cry: "This guy is quite the 
joker!")…dyed
"-Risthmas-Tree-O-Kristhmus-(sic)-Tree"
Ocher.

On the ninth day, a gift you’ll not, of course, receive a
bill fer…dyed 
"Bells-It's-Xmas-In-The-City"
Silver.

On the tenth day, one dyed by me, right in my kitchen
sink…dyed 
"At-Your-Nose-Jack-Frost-Is-Nip-..."
Pink.

On the eleventh (who inaugurates such nonsense…? No one
knows!)…dyed -- no
lie! -- a "Lo-E'er-Blooming-How-A"
Rose.

On the twelfth day, a final gifting from the Xmas
Fairy…dyed
"Cheeks-Like-Roses-Nose-Like-A"
Cherry.

     And to
all a hurly-burly, never
surly, awf'lly early, rarely
churly, string-o’-pearly, none too
curly, heartfelt, surely, "Very
Merry!"