Diarrhea: Another Adolescent Apologue (Unpub)

Runny roux
stain shorts and shoes. 
Have I attire-rrhea…?
It steams; it streams
(from shoppes, it seems:  
perhaps I've buyer-rrhea). 
The village watch-
man's stain’d his crotch -- 
the guy's got crier-rrhea.
I note his poo's
turn’d dusty, nu…?  
It's desert-drier-rrhea.
 
Do fluxes smell…?
Don't ask; don't tell. 
You’ve got enquire-rrhea. 
(In fact, they do.
They're torrid, too:  
some forest fire-rrhea.) 
What skips my skivs
swirls down my privs:  
I've spiral Gyre-rrhea.
Historical
proportions, ya'll:  
some Georgette Heyer-rrhea. 
 
My clothing's mess’d:
I'll get undress’d. 
(Have I "I Spy"-arrhea...?)
Still, weather's warm:
I'm done no harm.  
By Jove! July-arrhea!
Damp poop on sand
I can withstand:  
that's Karch Kiraly-arrhea.
I bet you hold
I've falsehoods told:  
that mine’s white lie-arrhea.
 
A further purge…?
A second surge…? 
Here comes Messiah-rrhea!
When runs appear,
pray TP's near:  
apply for nigh-arrhea.
If TP's not,
abut the pot:  
expect "Oh my!"-arrhea. 
If TP's there,
most trots you'll bear.  
(Oh, fie! 2-ply-arrhea!) 
 
If I need scores
(say, 24s)  
of sheets, I've Quire-rrhea.
If but to bed
I could but head,
I'd cry, "retire-rrhea!"
O, friends: let fly
your hue-an’-cry: 
I've shepherd's pie-arrhea!
And now I see
what looks like...ghee! 
(It’s turn’d to Thai-arrhea!) 

Disgusting dregs
drip down my legs: 
I've upper-thigh-arrhea.
My "bastille"…? Storm’d...
with filth unform’d:
severe Versailles-arrhea.
One can but stare:
such dysinter-
y! Why…?. Wide-eyed-arrhea!
Like frog manure, 
I smell of sewer:
I've Xenopi-arrhea.

None certainly 
will envy me 
my yippey-ki-arrhea.
Yet, careful, you...
lest Montezu- 
ma's zeta psi-arrhea
revenge enact,
and you're attack’d  
post eating his tortilla
and you're so hit
with agua'd shit 
that you admit,
"My eatin' it…?  
‘Tweren't not a good idea." 

Color Wheel (Unpub)

     The Seven Hues:
1. Red 2. Orange 3. Yellow 4. Blue 

5. Green 6. Indigo 7. Violet

     The Seven “Hue”mophones:
1. Rhett 2. Whoreange 3. Gelho 4. P’loo 

5. C’reen 6. Indyco 7. Violhat

     The Ten Derivatives:

1. Rhett 2. Whore 3. Angel 4. Hope 5. Loo 

6. Careen 7. Indy 8. Cove 9. Viol 10. Hat

     The Tenotations Initial’d B:
1. Butler 2. Babylon 3. Baradiel 4. Barack 5. Bathroom

6. Bounce 7. Brickyard 8. Bay 9. Bass 10. Bonnet 

36+ Views of Mounted Babies (Unpub)

     Infant nails 

difficult move on a half pipe – 

this during competitive skateboarding 

regionals:

baby on board, 

baby on board!
Baby on board…? 

Say! Hey! Baby on board! 
 
     Out: Netanyahu, 

from Israel's government.

Still he refuses 

to step aside quietly:

Bibi unbow'd, 

Bibi unbow'd!

Bibi unbow'd...? 

Oy! Vay! Bibi unbow'd! 

Drypoint plate image of toddler -- call'd "Baby" -- sur-

renders it's feath'ry look 

post twelfth impression:: 
"Baby" unburr'd, "Baby" unburr'd!

"Baby" unburr'd...? Boo-hoo! "Baby" unburr'd!

Newborn emerges from brief incubation re-

quired due to sharp drop in said newborn's body temp: 

Baby un"B-r-r-r-r!"'d! Baby un"B-r-r-r-r!"'d!

Baby un"B-r-r-r-r!"'...? Bless you! Baby un"B-r-r-r-r!"'d!

Biologist Charles William, fearing bad bouts of the 

bends, sends his sister's kid down in the Bathysphere:

Beebe's own blood, Beebe's own blood!

Beebe's own blood...? Madness! Beebe's own blood!

  

George Herman promis'd sick younster in hospice, "This

homer's for you." But he fail'd to deliver:

Babe's bein' boo'd, Babe's bein' boo'd!

Babe's bein' boo'd...? Bad mess! Babe's bein' boo'd!

Blue-footed fledgling descends to the poop deck where

three peckish tars promptly eat the poor gannet:

Booby on board, booby on board!

Booby on board...? Aye-aye! Booby on board.

Poor Derek's derriere censor'd. All pics of the

Perfect 10's buttocks are mask'd in soft focus:

Bo's behind blurr'd, Bo's behind blurr'd!

Bo's behind blurr'd...? Oh, my! Bo's behind blurr'd!

 

Toddler shouts “Options for everyone!” during e-

mergency shareholders’ meeting on Wall Street: 
baby on board, baby on board!
Baby on board…? Buy!! Buy!! Baby on board!

King of the Elephants dies on a Friday but

Monday rolls 'round and he's still uninterr'd:

Babar unburied, Babar unburied!

Babar unburied...? (Sigh!) Babar unburied!

 
Midget Brit constable publishes paper cri-

tiquing conservative wannabee Justice:

Bobby on Bork, bobby on Bork! 

Bobby on Bork...? Righto! Bobby on Bork! 

Lascivious rug rat grabs hold of Anita,
refusing to let go of Ekberg’s decolletage:
Baby on broad, baby on broad!
Baby on broad…? Oh, no! Baby on broad!
 

Loveable ruminant, formerly blocked from per-

forming in Disney 'toons granted permission to:

Bambi unbarr'd, Bambi, unbarr'd!

Bambi, unbarr'd...? Hi, ho! Bambi, unbarr'd!

Small child guards NBA all-star James Hardin, ef-
fectively blocking his sure triple double: 
baby on Beard, baby on Beard!
Baby on Beard…? Yo, bro! Baby on Beard!
 
Mini-Mattel moppet's most recent version now

finds her in charge of a swanky French brothel:

Barbie en bawd, Barbie en bawd!

Barbie en bawd...? Oui, oui! Barbie en bawd!

Scholar-cum-cherub delivers a lecture on

every third sonnet of W. Shakespeare: 
baby on Bard, baby on Bard!
Baby on Bard…? To be...! Baby on Bard.
 
Newborn has challenged the Admiral's claim to have
reached the North Pole far ahead of all rivals: 
baby on Byrd, baby on Byrd!
Baby on Byrd…? Li! Li! Baby on Byrd!

Nipper attempts (unsuccessf’lly, of course) to pre-
vent Larry Legend's strong drive to the basket: 
baby on Bird, baby on Bird!
Baby on Bird…? ...And one! Baby on Bird!

Rug rat wins culin’ry contest with borrowed Pa-

risian recipe torn from French cookbook: it’s  
baby on Bordelaise, baby on Bordelaise!
Baby on Bordelaise…? Baby on Bordelaise!

Preemie has slander’d black civil rights activist

Rustin for rights legend’s homophile lifestyle: 
baby on Bayard, baby on Bayard!
Baby on Bayard…? Fun! Baby on Bayard!

Suckling makes nuisance of self after chugging the
dregs of its older sib’s six pack of lagers:  
baby on Bud, baby on Bud!
Baby on Bud....? Hiccough! Baby on Bud! 

Papoose makes similar nuisance of self after
smoking his squaw/mama’s leftover rollup: 
baby on bud, baby on bud!
Baby on bud…? What's up...? Baby on bud!
 
Toddler performs an increasingly difficult
series of rope tricks astride a wild porker: 
baby on boar, baby on boar!
Baby on boar…? Oink, oink! Baby on boar!
 
Child, MAGA-hatted, climbs onto plump POTUS’s
shoulder while echoing “Send her back” chanting:  
baby on boor, baby on boor!
Baby on boor…? Sad! (Boink!) Baby on boor!

Brainy bambino denies quantum theories of
Nobel-Prize-winning philosopher/physicist:
baby on Bohr, baby on Bohr!
Baby on Bohr…? Ja, ja! Baby on Bohr!
 
Youngster identifies body of water in
neighboring Canada; claims it for U.S.A.: 
bay beyond border, bay beyond border!
Bay beyond border, ba'...? Bay beyond border!
 
Afro-American neonate cyclist in-
sists infant girlfriend be seated behind him: 
“Babe, be on board, babe, be on board!”
“Babe, be on board”…? Let's go! “Babe, be on board!”

Savvy, though under-aged, sommelier praises 

characteristics of favorite vintage: 
babe on Bordeaux, babe on Bordeaux!
Babe on Bordeaux…?
Plonk...? No! Babe on Bordeaux!
 
Angry bambino attacks actor Pitt for re-
fusing adoption of him and his twin sister:
baby on Brad, baby on Brad!
Baby on Brad…? You shit! Baby on Brad!

Kid movie maker’s release showing rare Mes’po-
tamian sex practice garners news coverage:
Babylon bared, Babylon bared!
Babylon bared…? Print it! Babylon bared!

Shy but precocious kid tells of his role in the
birth of large litter of kittens in window well:
baby on brood, baby on brood!
Baby on brood…? Mee-ow! Baby on brood!

Angelic little‘un disses provocative
(sadly, deceased) TV chef name of Anthony:
babe on Bourdain, babe on Bourdain!
Babe on Bourdain…? Oh, wow! Babe on Bourdain!

Kid explores Nordic ancestors with "Finding Your
Roots" TV host Henry Louis (“Skip”) Gates, Jr.:
baby Jan Bjord, baby Jan Bjord!
Baby Jan Bjord…? What say! Baby Jan Bjord!

Toddler discovered engaging in oldest pro-
fession in New Orleans district of red lights: 
babe in bordello, babe in bordello!
Babe in bordello....? Vrai, babe in bordello!

In series of TV spots, child invokes name of a
creamery spokes icon – Elsie the Cow: 
baby on Borden’s, baby on Borden’s!
Baby on Borden’s…? Moo! Baby on Borden’s!

Kid, atop mostly nude body of aging French
starlet ‘tween takes for her biopic, comments: 
babe on Bardot, babe on Bardot!
Babe on Bardot…? La-la (ooh)! On Bardot!

Toddler mounts one-man production of Broadway's famed
musical nod to the Elvis induction:
baby on “Birdie,” baby on “Birdie”!
Baby on “Birdie”…? Dance! Baby on “Birdie”!
 
Sweetheart’s hotel on one property helps her to
dominate in kindergarten Monopoly:
baby on Boardwalk, baby on Boardwalk!
Baby on Boardwalk…? Chance! Baby on Boardwalk!

Is poet Brendan again snocker’d, or do his
shuttered lids merely display lack of int'rest…? 
B. Behan, bored, B. Behan, bored! 
B. Behan, bored…? Fuck yo'! B. Behan, bored!

Evergreen laurel tree drill'd full of holes to al-

low group of thrill buffs to set up their zip line:
Bay bein' bored, bay bein' bored! 
Bay bein' bored...? Gung ho! Bay bein' bored!
 

Sorry: that IKEA model of highchair for 

toddlers…? Available only in blå or grön: 
Baybeejahnsmorg, Baybeejahnsmorg!
Baybeejahnsmorg…? Adjo! Baybeejahnsmorg!

Someday I'll (Unpub)

Someday I’ll wish upon a stile,
a Gunn upon some someday isle.
My whim...? "I’d swim a someday mile,
could I but spy some someday pile.”
 

Someday I’ll switch some someday dial

and, pitching on the Someday Nile,
I'll window shop the someday aisle
and glean some genie’s someday vial.”

Someday I’ll find myself on trial,
accused of choosing something vile.
“I’m innocent! No sin! No guile,”
I’ll whine behind my someday smile.
 

Someday I’ll fill a someday file,

belles-lettres in some someday style.
And, as I scan its erster teil,
I’ll yell, “Excelsior!” the while.

At First a Lot + Tillies (Unpub)

     At first a little, then a 

lot 

     upon your wienie or your 

Brät.
     At first she can, but then can-

not, 

     treat MASD -- or dry 

rot – 

     in Binghamton and Endi-

cott.
     At first found in your flower 

pot, 

     mums migrate to a garden 

spot 

     where mornings chilly soon wax 

hot.
     At first Amin’s an Einstein…

NOT. 

     But nor is Id some idi-

ot 

     who neither tittle gives nor 

jot 

     about Ugandans chewing 

khat.

     At first flees Abram’s nephew 

Lot 

     from Sodom and Gomorrah’s 

motte.
     At first some amber oil – Ne-

mat...? -- 

     for you and for your oce-

lot,

     whom, on a dare, you dub Pol 

Pot 

     while chewing some renewing 

qat.
     At first you claim I’m talking 

rot, 

     how I’m just some sodding 

sot

     molesting ev'ry passing 

tot 

     But that ain’t me; that’s Ujay 

Bhat...

     or maybe Oliver Von 

Trott,
     who first remarks, with Scot James 

Watt, 

     the stark remark “X marks the 

spot,”
     which phrase Watt 'blazons 'cross his 

yacht.

     (Such firsts occur in Zhat Vash…?

NOT: 

     They issue from McCloud -- which…? 

Scott! -- 

     in issues of his comic 

Zot!) 

Asking The Answer Dude, Episode 42 (Unpub)

     Ms. Query Person: 

     So, Mister Answer Dude, can you tell me the real story in  

back of all those holes I see -- six rows of three alternating 

with four rows of two -- punctuating the pair of my saltines...?

     Mr. Answer Dude: 

     Those microscopic dimples displayed in elegant array 

across the face of your standard double cracker total 26 -- 

prior to the whole being crumbled into some soup or other. 

The 26 holes deliver a silent reminder of all the differing 

iterations of bouillons and borschts, of gumbos and gruels 

into which you could find yourself executing a crumble.

Soup's On!

 

Hola, Holoalpha! (Unpub)

'Pix* of zombie Jew knockin' in lead run
very quick puts an end to the game' 
mimics 'rhombicubocta-(Ben)-hedron.' 
(Both bazorgt be, to pangrams proclaim.)

 

     * Both the sentence and the word 

contained within single quotes above are 

pangramatic in that each contains all 

26 letters of the alphabet.

Uly Poe holding his own 26-sided
Archimedean solid shabbily constructed
using old copy paper, masking tape,
pencils and a chemical marker.

Wolaly One > Ten: A Jump Rope Rhyme (Unpub)

     There's always more than one way to get there. 

One's but one. One stands alone.
Two's an ore. At heart, it's stone.
Three's an ort, a scrap of meat.
Four's an oat, the grain I eat. 
Five...? Five sat -- a moment's rest
Six...? "The sun set in the west." 
Seven -- see...? They're seven seas. 
Eight's a fee. Just pay it, please! 
Nine's a fen. It's land...? All wet.
Ten's a ten. The best...? You bet!

Canonagrams or Books They Might Have Written (Unpub)

Jane Austin: Injun At Sea
Samuel Beckett: Let 'Em Back...? Es tu...?
Joseph Conrad: Corpse on Hadj
Don DeLillo: No Deli, Doll!
Ralph Waldo Emerson: Howl, Demon! Rape, Pals! 
William Faulkner: Lawn Milk...? Failure!
Graham Greene: Her Garage, Men!
Ernest Hemingway: He's Wearing My Net!
Eugene Ionesco: No, No... I Cue Geese!
Henry James: My Jeans; Her _______
Rudyard Kipling: I Play'd Kurd "Ring"
C. S. Lewis: Swel! (Sic)
Philip Larkin: Pink Hair Pill
Herman Melville: Leave Mr. M____ In Hell!
Vladimir Nabokov: Mr. A, Invalid (Book V)
Eugene O’Neill: I (Né Lee) Lounge
Harold Pinter: In Her Old Part
Quintilian: I Quilt, Nina
Salman Rushdie: Sure, Man: Al's Hid![JH1] 
William Shakespeare: I'll Share a Peek, Swami!
Mark Twain: Mink at War!
Sigrid Undset: I Git ‘Undress’d’
Jules Verne: “Le Jeu” (vers N)
Virginia Woolf: Living for Iowa
Xenephon: "Open Hen 'X'!”
William Butler Yeats: Yes, I Will, Ma...but Later!
Emile Zola: I'm Loleeza
 

---

 [JH1]

Constrained Celebrity: An Alphabet (in progress)

"Absolute zero's one get-go,* albeit a bleak..."  

specs Alexis,** who's married with children and swears, "Yeah, I’m Greek.”   

     * Possibly the so-called Great Get-Go, 

often confused with the Big Bang.
     ** Zorba (AZ)
 
"Be yourself! (HO* whom else would you be…?" asks (rhetoric'lly) Boris.**  

"To be anyone else might cause Mother*** some serious tsoris."

     * Russian Cyrillics for 'but' and pronounced
(roughly) 'noh.'
     * Yeltsin (BY)
     *** Mother Russia, of course.
 
"Contemn xenophobes! Contemn..." Rhumba King Cugat* repeats.  

(Just as he would be treated, each stranger this vir bonus** treats.)  

     * Xavier (CX (reverso))
     ** What the good man does is always right –
or so (someplace) suggest the Brothers Grimm.
 
"Do without! Pledge thy pounds to the poor," warbles Dionne* (a song bird),  

though 'tis Bacharach (Burt) who will best teach her right word from wrong word.

     * Warwick (DW)  
 
"’Every valley exalted shall be; every rough place made plain...’:   

I would dance thee that text," Edward* vows, "but in Balanchine vein."

     * Villella (EV)  
 
"I’m fed up! UFOs, URLs, UXBs..." fumes our Felix.*

"In the end, all they yield is some abecedarial helix."

     * Unger (FU) 
 
"Gin and tonic plus juice of one lime: pour the lot over ice..." 

prescribes Gene.* "Good advice," echoes Gene.** "To: innocuous vice!" 

     * Tierney (GT) 
     ** Tunney (GT)
 
"He v she…? The distinction's ambiguous," challenges Holly.* 

So (s)he's Shlomo. Still, what's in a name…? 'So long, Sol; hello, Dolly.'

     * Sweet (HS) 
 
"I, Robot, rest my case," in tones Rumpolean

roars Irene.* "I'd rap it, were I Rock 'n' Rollean."

     * Ryan (IR) 
 
"John Quincey ain't the seventh Chief Exec," corrects Jose.*

"He's sixth, post James Monroe…but what the heck!" (More: what the 

hey!!)
     * Quintero (JQ) 
 
"Key personnel…? Kevin…? Paul…? Rajon…? Ray…?" Kendrick* wonders.

Then Perk's traded, which trade shall yet prove one of Bean Town's big blunders. 

     * Perkins (KP)
 
Leigh/Olivier,* Lunt/Fontaine. Which duo's dropp’d from the list

of great thespian pairs…? Jolie/Pitt…? LOL! THEY'D be miss'd…?

     * (LO) 
 
"Mach'avellian, not to say cynical: 'twas just her way..." 

muses Mike,* as he pegs one-time partner, the late Elaine May.

     * Nichols (MN) 
 
"Not much!" mutters Norman,* when asked if he liked married life. 

 "Good when naked, but less good when dead: much depends on the wife."

     * Mailer (NM) 
 
Ozymandias: "Look on my burg, Mr. Big, and despair!"

(Or Orlando*: "Give ear to my music...or not: I don't care.") 

     * Lasso (OL)
 
[PK: Percy Kilbride]
[QJ: Quincy Jones]
[RI: Robert Ingersoll]
[SH: Sam Houston]
[TG: Theodor Geisel]
[UF: Ugo Foscolo]                    
[VE: V. Emmanuel]
[WD: W. Demarest]
[XC: Claudio Ximenes (reverso)]                  
[YB: Yul Brynner or Yogi Berra]
[ZA: Zufer Avdija (NBA power forward 

and father of current Wizards player 

Deni Avdija]

Rat Dance: Chemical Paint Aerosol Sprayed Through Paper Stencil Onto Painted Salvaged Lumber For Miniature Decorated Baltimore Salt Box

7" x 3 1/4"