Uly Poe's Fifth Voyage 'Round Archaedia: An Alphabet

A’s for Arlette: former fundraiser (SIDS).
B is for Bruce, who hates ev’ryone’s kids.
C is for Cass: overdoes the mascara.
D’s for Demi, who pretends she’s in Tara.
E’s for Elaine. She’s now buried six husbands.
F is for Flo, who’s just cash’d out her trust funds.
G’s for Georgette, who wears wa-a-ay too much rouge.
H is for Huck. Huck fell off of his luge.
I is for Iphigenia. She died.
J is for Joel: ends most Friday nights fried.
K is for Kieran, who bench presses barbells.
L’s for Letitia, who’s lost all her marbles.
M’s for Marie, who burlesques Baba Yaga.
N’s for Noël, whom they call “Granny Gaga.”
O is for Otto, a twin amputee.
P is for Pat, who snorts “Vitamin Z.”
Q is for Quill, duly praised for her cursive
R is for Reg: edits Senior Subversive.
S is for Sylvie, who knits for the troops.
T is for Trevor: Trev’s frankfurter droops.
U is for Ulmer, whose dandruff’s neglected.
V is for Vaclav. He’s dead (it’s suspected).
W’s Wim who bowls 71.
X is for Xim, who shows zero pulse – none.
Y is for Yip: bowled a 72.
Z is for Zane. Hey, Zane:: how old are you…?