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Thursday, October 16, 2025

Damp Hen Nonsense Apothems & Daffy Digressions

Some hens are born damp, some hens achieve dampness and some hens have dampness thrust upon them. 

A damp hen by any other name would smell as ripe. 

There is a tide in the affairs of hens when taken at the flood leaves them thoroughly damp. 

A hen in the hand is worth two in a puddle.  

No hen is a (Rhode) Island.

'Twas the night before last.
Throughout bathrooms and dens
not a creature was purring -- 
not even damp hens. 



Song for "No Kings" Saturday

We want no Greenland-buyin' kings. 
No Mayan or Hawaiian kings. 
We want no young-girl-eyein' kings. 
No Qatar-bribe-jet-flyin' kings. 

We want no vote-denyin' kings. 
No "I've-the-best-words"-cryin' kings. 
We want no faux-Versaillesin' kings.
No fast-food-amplifyin' kings. 

We want no Captain-Blighin' kings.
No Vladimir-allyin' kings. 
No Bibi-arms-supplyin' kings. 
(We're not averse to dyin' kings.) 

No research-falsifyin' kings. 
No on-opponents-spyin' kings.
We want no hair-piece-dyein' kings... 
...and, fin'lly, no damn lyin' kings. 

     Coda 

(We jeer the toads seen kissin' rings, 
but cheer for Martin Luthur Kings.)  

Monday, October 13, 2025

Name That Composers; or, Who ARE These People...?

     The Song 

You and the Night and the Music (Fill Me with Flaming Desire) 

     The Words 

Hugh and Dean Knight / Andy "Moose" Hick

     The Music 

Phil Smee / Whit Vlaye / Meg deZyre

"Ladies First" Revisited: A Nonsense

     Might a new word order not result in a new world order...? 

Why always 'Adam and Eve'...? 
     How's a-
bout, just for once, 'Eve and Adam'...? 
     Would such
switcheroo, do you believe, 
     not ex-
uberate She Who begat 'em...? 

Why hear we always 'Babe Ruth'...? 
     Seldom 
mention'd -- alas! -- is 'Ruth Babe.'
     She'd have 
sent home runs flyin,' caus'd fans (I ain't lyin'),
     like 
Jabberwock's raths, to outgrabe. 

Why always 'Ozzie and Harriet,'
   never  
'Harriet' followed by 'Oz'...?
   Would trans-
posing pair'd names tend to bum dudes and dames, 
   dooming 
both to a spate of the blahs...? 

Why must it be 'Ralph and Alice'...? 
     Might we
never hear 'Alice and Ralph'...? 
     The 
latter's preferr'd, while the former -- my word! -- 
     remains 
too chauvinistic...by half! 

     Mother 
Goose sings of Jack and his Jill. 
     Mother: 
choose a new tack! Jill and Jack 
     could still 
tackle that hill. (If some water they spill, 
     they'd re-
fill those two buckets they pack.

     (more to come)
 
Abelard and Eloise 

Butterbeans and Susie 

Nichols and May 

Roy and Dale 

Pyramus and Thisbe 

Cadmus and Harmony 

Nick and Nora 

When Harry Met Sally 

Archy and Mehitabel 

Guys and Dolls 

"Romeo and Juliet" 

"Caesar and Cleopatra" 

"Ike and Mamie" 

"William and Mary" 

"Stiller and Meara"

"The Captain and Tenille"

"Sonny and Cher" 

"Boris and Natasha" 

"Heathcliff and Cathy" 

"Ferdinand and Isabella" 

"Tarzan and Jane" 

"Mork and Mindy" 

"Tommy and Tuppence" 

"Steve and Edie" 

"Burns and Allen" 

"Samson and Delilah" 

"Dick and Jane" 

Saturday, October 4, 2025

Distichs: A Nonsense Alphabet of Unpublished Pairs of Couplets -- Some Rhymed -- Excerpted from Imaginary Poetry

Prelude 

Stichs aren't stones; 
they break no bones. 
Their words, though, may divert you

Acrostichs from "Ante Up!" by Bunk & Tosh

Both you and Auntie PetticoaT, 
Uncle EnriquillO, 
   Need on the double (take a guesS) 
Kick in a bit more REAL dougH. 

Broomstichs from "Dust" by Thom Swiffer 

Tweedle the Sweep, who scrubs smokestacks in Bantry, 
would waltz with his broom 'round my grandmother's pantry. 
   He'd char neighbors' chimneys, enduring their dirt. He 
abided alone. (Tweedle died shy of thirty.) 

Chopstichs from "In a Chinese Workhouse" by Colum May 

Toothpicks, Sino-sages say, 
as whopping chopsticks start their day. 
   But woodworks' whittlers, led  astray,  
all parts superfluo'us shave away. 

Dipstichs from "Moyshe Mans the Motor Pool" by Yehuda Teer 

Your crankcase craves a log* of motor oil. 
Flush fluids so your AC won' o'erboil. 
   A hin* or two should lubricate your brakes. 
(A hemi-hin is, maybe, all it takes.) 

   *Logs and hins are Yiddish liquid measures. 

Elastichs from "Stretch!" by Speed O'Banlon 

As ev'ning stretches out against the sky, 
a limo looms, the length of sev'ral Fords. 
   Its chauffeur snaps her bubblegum, while I 
unload my months' supply of bungee cords. 

Fiddlestichs from "Ecphonesis" by E. "Jack" Hoffman 
O
Grandma whispers "Pish!" 
Grandpa gripes "Begorrah!" 
    The aunties add "I wish!" 
while I reply, "The Horrah!" 

Gnostichs from "Godspell 2 1/3" by Jesus of Kalamazoo 

There's Thomasines, Mandaeans, Carpocratians, Simonians, 
Corinthians, Cleobians, Perates and Cerdonians: 
   "There's some things WE know," all insist, "that YOU maroons DON'T  know." 
They then set out delivering a tiresome blow-by-blow. 

Hockeystichs from "On noThin Ice" by Frank 'Li'l Black'  Zamboni as told to Gosta Ryder 

I'll flout the Fates and don used skates 
to brave the dicey ice. 
   But once I do, I pledge to you 
I'll never do so twice. 

Impressionistichs from "Uly's Piano Recital" by Ulysses Poe

My piece debuts with Debussy.
What follows...? M. Ravel, 
   three measures miming E. Satie, 
and Brahms...with none play'd well. 

Joystichs from "Do You Vant Go Blind...?" by Sigfried Freud

Chimps employ 'em, twistin, 'em about. 
Pigs enjoy 'em -- nudge 'em with their snout. 
   Pilots use 'em navigatin' planes. 
Does Drumpf abuse 'em...? Mary Trump explains. 

Knobstichs from "Solidarity Forever" by Mother Jones 

Billy Bob's a blackleg. I shall never marry him. 
James...? A rat fink and a scab. I won't be wed to Jim.. 
Jack's been spotted lickin' boots. How treach'rous can you get...?
And Dick's just cross'd yon picket line: I'll die a bachelorette.

Lipstichs from "Butterflies, Beestings 'n' Botox...Oh, My!" by Don "Nutella"  Versace

Tony Lip drives Cherry; he's the doctor's new chauffeur. 
Libby vexes Brenda, an antagonist to her. 
   Joey Fagan's horn makes The Commitments much more hip. 
And don't forget Durocher: no one's botherin' the Lip. 

Matchstichs from "Den Lille Pige med Svovlstikkerne" by H. Christian Wright

Start from scratch: Paris Match. Orrin Hatch: Booby Hatch! 
Swing it, Satch! One-hand catch. Briar patch...? Not a scratch. 
   Coffee klatsch: bake a batch. Cumberbatch: top-draw'r...? Natch! 
Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Tell me: have we met our match...? 

Nightstichs from "God o' Dance" by Freda Stare 

Crips 'n ' Bloods 'n' police: what's your hurry...? Do the Fly; forget Arthur Murray!
   Irish Jig...? Don't fret! Not to worry: When you've binged...just...stop!

Orgiastichs from "Absurdist-in-Chief" by Anon 

You socialists are hedonists; you communists are, too. 
You're anarchists, abortionists -- 
I've bullied more than few. 
   You're masochists; You're narcissists. You're pessimists as well. 
You're all those "-ist"s I've doubtless miss'd: 
I'll see you lot in hell. 

Popsiclestichs from "Ice Lolly Palooza" by Arthur Freeze 

Whose dream is of a Popsicle a cult'ral meme enjoys. 
Whose dream is of a Creamsicle all lactose dread destroys. 
   Whose dream is of a Fudgsicle a chocoholic be. 
Whose dream is of a Dreamsicle endures redundancy. 

Queuestichs from "Blackball Boogie" by Montana O'Beece

Rack 'em, Fats, and pass that chalk. 
Then watch me masse, bank 'n' baulk. 
   YOU talk some talk; I walk the walk. 
So, settle back; prepare to gawk. 

Rustichs from "The Gift to be Simpleminded" by Manon Knight 

The farmer takes a wife. 
The wife mistakes the child 
   for a single-bottom'd "sulky" plow 
because that gal's beguiled. 
Ì
Swizzlestichs from "Doin' the Chartreuse Swizzle" by Mick Sahl-O'Gist 

Take one-point-five ounces Chartreuse; 
add some lime juice and pineapple juice. 
   Pour it all in a tall Collins glass.
Add crushed ice...and then swizzle en masse...

Thunderstichs from "Make Good Noise" by Cholly Bickerknocker 

Conf'rence playoffs, Sixers versus Knicks. 
Brunson puts up wa-a-ay too many bricks. 
   I'm sittin' courtside. What's it take to fix 
this situation...? Cue them  thundersticks![

Uglistichs from "The New Newfie's Guide" by Acoutsina Smithe-Jones

I heard a band in Newfoundland like none I'd ever known: 
bandoneon, two fiddles -- and the oddest id'ophone: 
   some Frenchmen call it "Chinese hat," some British "jingling Jenny." 
Search wide 'n' far: the chances are 
you'll frug to few...if any.

Voyeuristichs from "I Spy!" by Thomas Pepys 

No matter what you do, 
I'm always watching you. 
   Of course, I'm not a dope: 
I use my telescope. 

Walkingstichs from "On the Wild Side" by Ted Behr

Howe'er you walk, walk sof'ly. 
Always arm yourself with sticks.
   'Cuz it's jungly out there -- awf'lly! --and that jungle's full of ______.* 

   *DIY: ticks, hicks, dicks, spicks, pricks... 

Xanthistichs from "Yoke Book" by Al  Beumann

There's antique fuchsia, android green. 
There's mocha and Morello. 
   Still, look around! Gold hues abound. 
Beyond the sun, what's yellow...?

Yardstichs from "Bob the Bobby" by Robert Burns 

I'm Sgt. Bludgeon, Scotland Yard. 
You see this big baton...? En garde! 
   I've got this stunning taser, too. 
I'd best behave if I were you.

Zapstichs from "Zap Stick" by Senor Sid O'Zenn

You say you don't get outside much...? 
Perhaps you need a cane, a crutch...
   ...an aid to help you in a clutch...
a stun gun -- with a stylish touch...?  

Friday, October 3, 2025

Singin' the Blues: A Thirteen-bar Alphabet

Azure 'n' Alice Blue, 
Baby 'n' Bice; 
Cornflower, Cobalt...
(Cerulean's nice). 
   Delft Blue 'n' Dodger Blue, 
blues play'd by Duke, 
plus blue is the hue of the 
blue whale's blue fluke. 
   Eton, Electric Blue, 
French 'n' Fluorescent. 
Glaucous, which acts as my  
antidepressant. 
   Haint, Honolulu, 
Havana Blue, nu...? 
Iris 'n' Indigo;
Jordy (the hue).  
   Klein Blue 'n' Lavender...
Midnight Blue, too. 
Navy 'n' Neon 'n' 
Non-photo Blue. 
   Oxford Blue, Prussian Blue, 
Persian 'n' Penn. 
(Stop! Have you heard enough...?
Simply say "When.")
   Process Blue, Powder Blue, 
Phthalo,  the pigment. 
Quacksalver's... Wait! THAT blue 
may be a figment. 
   Royal Blue, Robin's Egg Blue, 
Resolution. 
(Chalcanthite turns blue 
when dissolved in solution.) 
   Spanish Blue, Space Cadet, 
Silver Lake, Smalt. 
Sky Blue, Savoy, Sapphire... 
(What color's salt...?) 
   Teal Blue 'n' Turquoise 'n' 
Turin 'n' True. 
Thenard's Blue's aka Cobalt. 
(Who knew...?) 
   USAF Blue, 
UNESCO, UN. 
Uranian Blue...Wait! 
Did someone say "When"...? 
   Vista Blue. (W 
signals no blue --
no, nor neither does X, 
although Y 'n' Z do: 
   Yale Blue 'n' YinMn 'n' 
Zaffre Blue. Whew! 
(I forgot Lapis Lazuli. 
That's it: I'm through.)

The MAGAniloquent Seven (Plus Several): #8, Brendan Carr

   Meet 
FCC Chair Brendan Carr.
   Carr's of 
late-night TV hosts the Czar. 
   From Face 
One, "Go Free Speech!" 
   From Face 
Two...? Overreach.
   (And are 
both faces two-faced...? They are.) 

Brendan Carr 


Thursday, October 2, 2025

Monday, September 29, 2025

"Pronouns, Shmonouns!" Confessions of a Culture-war-weary LGBTQIAphobe

'Til recently, 
were one call'd John 
or Jack or Joe  
or Jim, 
the pronouns folk 
would call upon 
were, as a rule, 
he/him. 
And we're one's name 
Babette or Bea, 
or Biddy call'd 
one were, 
the pronouns used, 
believe you me, 
were, on the whole, 
she/her. 
Now's heard they/them,
ze/zir, qui/quem...
All bore me 'til 
I'm numb.
(You ask me what 
MY pronouns are...? 
MY pronouns are 
ho/hum.)

Friday, September 19, 2025

Open Letter to Stephen Miller

Multi-millions moving east 
to occupy new spaces
mime millions more migrating north 
to settle in new places.
Where're you look -- in ev'ry nook -- 
smile sundry suntanned faces. 
Of greeting lines and welcome signs,
though, scarcely any traces. 

     (more to come; work in progress)

Tuesday, September 16, 2025

Chary Choice; or, A Dozen Cooties in the Lard: Approaches to Chekhov's "The Cherry or Chard?"


(N.B.: The verses below treat only the first play in Chekhov's so-called "Fruits & Veggies" trilogy. The second and third dramas in his series, "La Pear e MusTARD" and "The Berry/ColLARD," will be featured and discussed in later poems.)


    Note 
world-weary playwright Sir Noël Cow-
ARD, 
     who 
not only penn'd 'em: in sev'ral he 
STARR'D.

     Then
check out top dramatist Czech Tom Stop-
PARD. 
     Full 
five of Tom's plays earn'd a Tony A-
WARD.

     No 
playwright but poet, Pierre de Ron-
SARD 
     from 
lists of tragedians ought to be 
BARR'D.

     How-
ever, tragedian Albee, Ed-
WARD
     made 
hay in the Theatre mis-named Ab-
SARD. 

     An 
Irish librettist was Shaw, George Ber-
NARD. 
     His 
spellings -- eccentric -- caught readers off-
GUARD.
      
     An
actor IN, author OF plays...? Sam Shep-
PARD. 
     In
both fields his work's held in highest re-
GARD.

     Most 
famous by far, tho'...Will Shakespeare -- the 
BARD. 
     His 
true name's uncertain; his plays live, un-
SCARR'D.  

     (I'll 
sing not of Gilbert the ur-Savo-
YARD 
     who with 
frenemy Sullivan skirmish'd 'n' 
SPARR'D.

    Nor De-
pardieu, Gerard -- no, nor Cyril Rich-
ARD.
     to 
pose that pair playwrights would prove a ca-
NARD.

     Did 
someone cite Shemp, Moe or Curly How- 
ARD...?  
     One 
might as well mention Pierre Abe- 
LARD...

     which 
leads me to Chekhov's "The Cherry or 
CHARD?" 
     where's 
proffer'd a choice -- tho' that choice isn't 
HARD.

     All 
chaps choosin' 'cherry' best be on their 
GUARD.
     If 
facin' such query, I'll choose to choose 
'CHARD.'

Thursday, September 4, 2025

The MAGAniloquentt Seventeen; or, The Cabinuts of Dr Pantload: #1 Thru #7

Here's FCC Chair 
Brendan Carr. 
Of folks on TV 
he's the Czar. 
From Face One, "Yay, free speech!"
From Face Two...? Overreach. 
And are both faces two-faced...? 
They are. 

(new image to come)













MAGA pundidiot 
Bannon, 
a short-temper'd, short-fused loose 
cannon, 
spouts racist remarks
which doubtless cause sparks. 
(One shudders to think what Steve's 
plannin.') 

Steve Bannon 
















New FBI boss Kash 
Patel, 
a conspiracy the'rist 
from hell, 
like his prototype Hoover,* 
will plot and maneuver. 
(Does Clyde Tolson's name 
ring no bell...?) 

*J. Edgar and his Number 2, Clyde, were regularly -- conspiritorially or factually...?) -- rumored to be much more than co-workers.) 

Kash Patel 




   














When RFK Jr. talks 
"vacs," 
prepare too hear nonsense, not 
facts. 
And when lies multiply, 
no surprise: people die. 
Here's the thing: Jr.'s King of the Quacks. 

 
RFK Jr.
















Pete Hegseth reeks! 
Odors galore: 
rotten-eggs-breath, leeks, road apples... More...?
Pete leaves shite in his shorts, 
while the White House reports 
how Pete's gas smells of basilisk spore. 

Pete Hegseth 


  
















The Congress, one arm of Drumpf's Reich, 
now's led by a Johnson* call'd 
Mike. 
Mike's record is vile; 
a review of his file 
reveals zip, nada, nothing to 
like. 

   *Slang for male genitalia -- or maybe a used condom. 

Mike Johnson 













Drumpf's Chief of Naff Stephen 
Miller,
of Drumpf's '2Project one 
pillar, 
is Drumpf's clone of Roy Cohn.
Vile behavior he's shown --
while best known as "Community Killer."

Stephen Miller
















Sign for Saturday 10.18.25