Mrs Gampignon (Incompluiete)

 

Toadstool Bumberstuchs & Their Enthusiasts: A Portrait Gallery

British Midwife Sarah Gampignon 

American English Teacher Booker E. Portobrella 

Russian Colonel Boris Zanterelle 

Japanese Warrant Office Hitohiro Ebonoki 

French Vice Premier Jean-Jacques Têtebrogue 

India's Sri Mahatma Chatra

     (images forthcoming)

Mushruminations; or, 'Shrooms With a View

My ol' man's a mushroom maven. 

Make you much of that...? 

He sports a mushroom macintosh 

to match his mushroom hat. 

He markets mushroom kippers 

from his mushroom chipper van.

When I've grown big, I'll get that gig: 

I'll mirror my ol' man. 

Mom's, as well, a mushroom maven, 

touts its outs 'n' ins, 

inscribes tefillin parchment scripts 

on dried cremini skins, 

like, "Fret not! Cease from anger!" 

from the 37th psalm. 

To become a mushroom maven 

must I imitate my mom...?

My sister Mae's a mushroom maven; 

sister Mim's another. 

They both knit mushroom kippahs 

for Methuselah, their brother --  

mushroom kittels, mushroom tzitzits;

mushroom tallits, too. 

When thirty three, I hope to be 

a mushroom maven, nu...? 

   

Whose Zoo...?

Drumpf's, of course. Sure, each 
of the political animals pictured 
possesses a specific scientific 
 proper name. But look closely: 
they're all Donald's creatures.

1. The Mobb Ostrich 

Jane Errs; or, Brontë Varia: Opening Lines to Final Chapters of Jane Eyre Wannabes

"Reader, I married him." 
     So opens the last chapter of Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre. Attempting to piggyback on the novel's success, several subsequent authors have begun the final chapters of their own literary efforts by channeling Ms Brontë and paralleling her character's address to readers. 

     In X**s, Bl**dy X**s, a memoir of her first solstice spent in the People's House, First Lady Melania Drumpf relates how she discovers the necessity of overriding each and every one of her husband's holiday decorating ideas. In the book's final chapter's opening line, and continuing her unapologetic habit of plagiarizing others' texts, she begins to relate how she pooh-poohs her spouse's insistence on requiring all White House and Cabinet staff to dress in elves outfits laden with gold ornament:

"Reader, I raspberried him."

    (More book titles, authors' names and brief synopses of various literary efforts to follow; a work in progress.) 

Material for possible future items:

"Reader, ma Mere knee'd him." 

"Reader, might Cher bleed him...?"

"Reader, I parried him." 

"Reader, I miscarried him." 

"Reader, I serried him." 

"Reader, I reburied him." 

"Reader, I ferried him." 

"Reader, I down Derry'd him." 

"Reader, I harried him." 

"Reader, I Glengarry'd him." 

"Reader, I wherried him." 

"Reader, I tarried him." 

"Reader, I Jim Carrey'd him." 

"Reader, I air raid him." 

"Reader, I dry sherry'd him." 

"Reader, I fair maid him." 

"Reader, I knobkerried him." 

"Reader, I Fermi'd him." 

"Reader, I Hail Mary'd him." 

"Reader, I varied him." 

"But, Reader, do I dare heed him...?"

Other Cognitive Tests

Person... 

woman... 

man... 

TV... 

idiot. 

Person... 

computer... 

TV... 

sociopath... 

dick.

The Kray's Zebra & Other Political Animals

The Unn Oyster 

The Benn-Towtesh Ape 

The Petschull Anteater 

The Beëlza Baboon 

The Erie's Ponzi Bull 

The Bitt Tern 

The Kray's Zebra 

The Mackie-Yav Elephant 

The Iddy Otter 

The Knott-Allth Hare

 

The Knott-Alth Hare

The deSpepp Tick

 

The deSpepp Tick 

The Paar-Venn Gnu

 

The Paar-Venn Gnu

The Yill Eagle

 

The Yill Eagle 

The New American Flag

aka "Old Hoary" 

The Krimmen Alligator

 

The Krimmen Alligator 

The Bye Polar Bear (from "SympPOTUSsium"...)

 

The Bye Polar Bear 

The Maynee Yak (from "SympPOTUSsium...)

 

The Maynee Yak 

The Inpha Moose (from "SympPOTUSsium...

 

The Inpha Moose 

The Apparat Chicken (from "SympPOTUSsium...

 

The Apparat Chicken 
(seen here operated by 
puppetmaster Putin) 

Another Fine Mess

 

Stan & Oligarch 
(Laurel & Musk) 

The Imba Seal (from "SympPOTUSsium...

 

The Imba Seal 

The Zell Fish (from "SympPOTUSsium; or, Political Animals: A Be(a)stiary

The Zell Fish 

The Inhugh Manatee (from "SympPOTUSsium; or, Political Animals: A Be(a)stiary"

 

  
The Inhugh Manatee 

The Miscree Ant (from "SympPOTUSsium; or, Political Animals: A Be(a)stiary"

 

The Miscree Ant 

The Assleepathe Whale (from "SympPOTUSsium; or, Political Animals: A Be(a)stiary"

 The Assleepathe Whale 

More Mildred Mimicry ("Hajj" Tamale)

Sing "Ho!" for the poet Ali ("Hajj") Tamale! 

His papa's mestizo; his mama's Somali. 

His nemesis...? Mono-. (His  poetry's poly-)*:

the poet Ali ("Hajj") Tamale. 

*Though the subjects of his verse 

are varied, his primary antagonist 

is always Drumpf.

   

"Hajj"'s madrigals, models of meter and rhyme 

made with measures in 5/4 and 7/4 time, 

are revered by both rustics and royals, by golly! 

Plu-poet Ali ("Hajj") Tamale. 

Tres beau be plu-poet Ali ("Hajj") Tamale, 

here posing,* sans clothing, beneath his blue brolly. 

My dad dubs him daffy but I think he's jolly -- 

the awesome Ali ("Hajj") Tamale. 

*Image to come.

Ali's ma, a proponent of Swedish massage, 

with his dad laid their lad in a neighbor's garage. 

(She -- the mom -- is Islam; thus she  nicknames him Hajj, 

does the mommy of Ali Tamale.) 

Plays a didgeridoo does the musicial "Hajj." 

Toots a flute -- TWO flutes, nu...? -- in a sonic collage. 

"Hajj," with Taylor and Taj,* heads one hot entourage -- 

does "Alific'onado" Tamale. 

*Swift and Mahal

    (work in progress) 

What Goes Around

 

Actual hand smaller than it appears. 

Actual tie shorter than it appears. 

Actual club slicier than it appears. 

Actual hair wa-a-y weirder than it appears. 

Sympfauna: An Abecedarial Animal Orchestra

     ABC 

Antelopes play autoharps.

Bonobos blow a boatswain's call.

Cows play cowbell scales in sharps.

(Albino cows can play 'em all.) 

     DEF 

Dingoes play their daxophones.

Elephants...? Electric basses.

Fleas play F-flat flexatones. 

(Mine I store in anvil cases.)

     GHI 

On Sundays, gnus play guitarróne. 

On Saturdays, harmonica. 

(On weekdays, ANY id'ophone,

though shofars during Hannukkah.) 

     JKL 

Jays, in March, play jingle bells. 

In April, kites play key'd bassoon. 

July finds lemurs playing lute, 

though rarely in the month of June. 

     MNO 

In May play Mynas madrigals.

Nightingales play nu skool breaks. 

Ostriches play operettas. 

(Oh, what noise each ostrich makes!)

     PQ 

Pre-dawn, prawns pianos play.

At quarter past eleven, 

quahogs execute quintets. 

(They quit 'round ten of seven.) 

     RST 

Rhinoceruses racketts play. 

Do serpents play their serpents...? Sure! 

And tadpoles play trombones (they say), 

though plagued with swollen  embouchure.

     UVW 

Urchins play a ukulele.

Vampire bats play vibraphone. 

Wallabies play washboard. (Hayley 

Mills would, too, were she full grown.) 

     XYZ

Xeruses, of course, play xun.

Yaks play yun-lo. (Are we done...?)

Zaks and zorses play a zither. 

Being tone-deaf, I play none. 

The Week of the Walrus & (OPQ) (RST) (UVW) (XYZ)

     O

The walrus and the open quote "got sumthin' ta say."*
'Tain't nuthin' from "The Open Boat" or "Lay Fay Wray...? Nay!"**

(Let's hope no clause they quote won't cause no 

auto-de-fe.)

     

*As does To Kill a Mockingbird's.   Mayella.

**Short stories by Stephen Crane and Uly Poe respectively.

 
     P 

The walrus holds a pencil sketch, 

a nine-inch W. 

(Already render'd 

in his hand-drawn ABC are Q, 

D, X and G -- which leaves the Z

'mongst letters left to do.)

     Q

The walrus tells the quarter rest: 

"Kick back! Chill out! Unwind!

"Take five or so! Pause half a mo'!

Light up if you've a mind!" 

(The walrus thinks no forty winks 

would leave a body blind.) 

*   *   *   *   *

     R 

The walrus and the rhombus

wend their way across the campus.

"Phobics fear we'll raise a rumpus 

'cuz my Grampa Ham's a grampus," 

jaws the walrus. Adds the rhombus: 

"They can do no worse than vamp us."

     S 

The walrus used a slotted spoon, 

a "runcibl'd"* utensil, 

whene'er he dined. His -- triple-tined,

though, sadly, not prehensile, 

thus good for stabbing, bad for grabbing -- 

doubled as a pencil. 

("I pierc'd each hole," said he, "with kohl

to make this op-art stencil.")

*I.e., so characterized by Ed Lear. 

     T 

The walrus and the turn o' phrase 

could set the letter'd world  

ablaze. 

Their "Drumpf: America's malaise" 

and "Don would banish holidays" 

should preempt older watchwords --Klee's, 

Man Ray's and those of Gabby Hayes. 

*   *   *   *   *

    U 

The walrus and the UFO 

collectively decide 

to lift the mask, tell all who ask, 

"We'll no more run nor hide. 

We choose, from this day forward, bliss: 

We're now...identified!"

     V 

The walrus and the vindaloo, 

a curry cured in Goa, 

would chilis add (an Asian fad),

then scurry to Samoa, 

avoiding, thus, that damnéd bus 

to curséd Krakatoa. 

     W

The walrus licks a wint'ry mix -- 

cum wind cum rain cum sleet*

cum white stuff (piles!) up on his roof 

cum black ice down his street. 

For, though he balks, he shovels walks: 

"Though just it ain't, 'tis meet."**

*Echoes here of the Arlen/Mercer pop standard "Come Rain or Come Shine." 

**Echoes here of the Christian liturgy Preface's "It is meet and just..."

*   *   *   *   *

     X 

The walrus and the xylocarps 

discuss their coming meal:

"Each hardwood hide hold seeds inside. 

'Let's eat!''s my sole appeal." 

"We NOW know," xylocarps reply, 

"how Carroll's oysters feel."

     Y 

The walrus and the year just pass'd -- 

the stuff the Drumpfster wrought, 

the tweets half-ass'd, the press he  sass'd, 

the politicians bought, 

the rants, the farts... (The saddest part's I fear he'll ne'er be caught.) 

     Z 

The walrus and the zodiac, 

to cover all their bases,

append a dozen constellations -- 

most with modern faces. 

"Our brand-new wheel will play, we feel, 

quite well with darker races," 

the walrus said, whereon he read 

some twelve new names and places. 

"Halfway 'twixt The Ram and Bull appears The Hereford Hog, 

who's smaller than an elephant but bigger than a dog, 

prolific as a cottontail and docile as a log.

"Between The Bull and Gemini 

one ascertains The Cross, 

the Celtic one (you've seen a ton), 

with, cover'd o'er in moss, 

an image of a small white dove. 

(Or else an albatross.) 

"Between The Gemini and Twins 

you'll spot The Saddle Shoe...

     (more to come)

The Week of the Walrus & (MN)

     M 

The walrus, Mephistopheles, 

Melchizedek and me 

were, it appears, once musketeers -- 

though four instead of three. 

Include, as well, Mehitabel...?

Toadstools immortals be!

     N 

The walrus and the Nautilus, 

a model built to scale 

of 38:1 in which

he simulates to sail 

beneath the waves ISO knaves -- 

and one albino whale. 

Herbert Morrison Reporting

This famed reporter's ten most 

recent responses to hot-mic questioning sound eerily similar 

to that iconic outburst issued 

during his historic coverage of 

the 1937 Hindenburg disaster. 

I. 

     Jimmy Kimmel: 

"Which does the Herbster find 

more disturbing: Drumpf's lies 

or Drumpf's locks...? 

     Herbert Morrison: 

"Both! They're insanity!" 

II. 

     Rachel Maddow: 

"What in your opinion, Mr. 

Morrison, lies behind Drumpf's unyielding support from 

America's religious leadership...?" 

    Herbert Morrison: 

"Faux-christianity." 

III. 

     Maya Angelou: 

"So, brother M.: what's the title 

of the verse to be recited at the ceremony marking the opening 

of the new Drumpf ballroom...? 

     Herbert Morrison: 

"Ode to Nit's Vanity." 

IV.

     Captain James T. Kirk: 

"Kirk to Morrison: which alien 

world in the Delta star system 

should the Enterprise next visit...?" 

     Herbert Morrison:  

"Go there! View Planet D."

V.

     TCM's Robert Osborne: 

"Would you say, Herbie, that it 

was his unusual accent that 

proved Cary Grant's most enduring  characteristic...?" 

     Herbert Morrison: 

"Mo' the urbanity."

VI.

    Dr. James "Buddy" Powell: 

"Hey, H.M.: did the sea cow eat 

this algae...?"

     Herbert Morrison: 

"No, the du-...manatee."* 

*Herb's initial "dugong" response gets inexplicably cut short. 

VII.

     Dr. Divina Balawan: 

"How, Herb, shall science ever 

replace the coconut...?

     Herbert Morrison: 

"Grow the banana tree." 

VIII.

     Sean Hannity: 

Who, my friend, is the world's 

most-respected news source...?

     Herbert Morrison: 

"Sho' ain't, you, Hannity!" 

IX. 

     J. M. Barrie: 

"Which male chauvinist, young Morrison, sexually assaulted our Tinkerbell...?" 

     Herbert Morrison: 

"Doh! Peter Pan! It...! He...!" 

X. 

     South Dakotan Kristi Noem: 

Now that our big beautiful POTUS's 

big beautiful face appears on Mt. Rushmore, isn't that monument greater than ever before...?" 

     Herbert Morrison: 

"Noem, he's too granity!"

The Week of the Walrus & (JKL)

     J 

"The Walrus and the Jabberwock" 
from Tweedles issued not. 
"The Walrus and the Carpenter"'s 
what Dum and Dee begot.
Now: who'll defend the fool who penn'd

"The Walrus and the _______"...?* 

     *Yacht...Sot...Khat...Brät..Jot...

Lot...Knot...?

Scot...Blot...Cot...Motte...Plot...

Shot...Clot...? 

Bot...Dot...Tot...Pot...Spot...

Watt...Snot...? 

Schott...Flot...Gott...Zaht...Slot...? 

YOU decide. 

     K 

The walrus and the Kool-Aid guy, 

who smiles when condensation 

delimns a thin 'n' whimsy'd grin,

one lacking all causation, 

across his cherry-color'd puss, 

suspends my dehydration.

     L 

The walrus and Laocoön  

ill fortune overtakes.

"Like Indy Jones," the walrus moans, 

"before me, I hate snakes. 

They're so-o-o-o the pits!" Whereon he splits. 

Laocoön just shakes. 

The Week of the Walrus & (GHI)

     G 

The walrus totes a golden goose 
which harbors hangers-on -- 
kid sisters (three), a parson (he 
construes the goose a swan), 
one sexton and two laborers -- 
their show so-o-o-o woebegone! 

     H 

The walrus pilfers half a loaf 

of pumpernickel bread. 

His cousin who's a harbor seal 

steals loaves of rye instead. 

Their ancestor's both breadless 

and ten million summers dead. 

     I 

The walrus (call him Ishmael), 

a former Isra'lite, 

five oceans sails in search of whales, 

most gray, some blue, one white. 

(Cetacea by walruses dispatch'd...? 

That can't be right.)

 

The Week of the Walrus & (DEF)

     D 

The walrus, in his deux cheveaux,  
encounters, in a bar, 
a minister, a rabbi 
(are you following so far...?) 
and a priest. They ask the barkeep... 
(Made I mention of the car...?) 

     E 

The walrus and the envelope 

both chose the day to seize. 

Hyena-eyed, the walrus cried, 

"To hell with Qs 'n' Ps!" 

The envelope, tho,' caution'd "Nope! 

Don't push me, if you please." 

     F 

The walrus fancies fingerfood -- 

shrimp canapés, hors d'oeuvres, 

brie quiche, pu pu, stuff'd mushrooms, too 

(such vittles Brit teas serve) --

while steering clear of roach-en-beer,  

which meal needs seals with nerve.

The Week of the Walrus & (ABC)

     A 

The walrus and the ampersand's 

departure caus'd a fuss. 

"Rock bottom in old ABCs*

is not the spot for us," 
the walrus warn'd. "Our flight's been 

cancelled...? Basta! Board the bus!" 

*Early ABCs often follow'd Z with &.

     B 

The walrus and the bathysphere, 

upon the latter's whim, 

parade along the boardwalk. 

Words absurd are heard from him: 

"Bide near, my dear! Don't veer, d'you hear; 

know well* you: I can't swim." 

*Does the phrase suggest this  

conversation occurs during the 

Xmas season...?

     C 

The walrus and the conflagration 

strode; the walrus spoke: 

"With such a blaze, one seal might raze 

whole shtetls -- that's no joke. 

How grand to rid our land of Yid --

yea, ALL unwelcome folk!" 

Name That Loon! (Dynel J. Trompe)

Say Dickens to this day draws breath.

Say Charley never died.

Chuck doubtless still his tales could tell, 

though needing to decide 

what names to name their nemeses --

the villains of each piece. 

A Scrooge, a Heep, a Sikes: his need 

for telling tags ne'er'd cease. 

Say Dickens spawns a scoundrel 

with rococo Day-Glo hair,  

a truth-denying psychopath 

with villainies to spare, 

whose thatch resembles pasturelands 

some jeune fille might marcel:

a faux fox fur of polymer.

He'd dub that dude "Dynel." 

In French, to trompe (with silent e)...? 

To cheat, to fool, to trick. 

A tool who "trompe"'s a mythomaniac, 

a fraud, a dick.

Unfaithful to his missus (nu...?), 

this faux-republican's 

an archetypal Dickens cad:

Dynal J. Trompe's that man.