Hymn To Him: A MAGAn Love Song

Our Deity's Donald M. Drumpf.
(The middle M stands for 'Mendacity.')
How we love each contemptuous "Hrrrumpfff,"
ev'ry Drumpfish disdain for veracity! 

   Lord Drumpf's a perpetual liar.

(Did we mention M'Lord's middle name...?)

In the Oval, Drumpf's pants were on fire.

Now He's out, He rekindles that flame.

   D. M. Drumpf's a Despiser of Women.

(Indeed, M's also short for 'Misogyny,'

a perfection applying to Him 'n' 

ev'ry one of His chauvinist progeny. 

   But mostly that M stands for 'Misanthrope,' 

the Drumpf "asspect" we most highly rate. 

Will we ever abandon or diss Him...? Nope, 

for He hates all the same stuff we hate. 

Speak Absurdish! A Tutorial

Preparing Your Text

(1) Begin by setting out consonants in some regular order -- e.g., standard alphabetical ( b, c, d, f, g...), reverse (z, x, w, v...), alternating between front and back (b, z, c, x, d, w...), center-outward alternating (m, n, l, p, k...) -- or in any desired pattern. Repeat the series as necessary, depending on the proposed length of the text being created -- whether a poetic motto or slogan, a distich or quatrain...or a brief prose epic.

 
(2) Next, insert vowels -- the standard five or the series augmented with 'y' -- in between the consonants at regular or randomly selected intervals, repeating the series as the length of the proposed work proves necessary. Occasionally, double a vowel -- especially the e and the o.
  
(3) Add spaces between word-like letter sequences to form nonsense words. For nonsense verse, the implicit accents of these words should ideally imply some regular meter or other.

  
(4) To demonstrate erudition (genuine or otherwise), introduce diacritical marks -- foreign accents, umlauts etc. -- by replacing selected characters with marked alternates. Disregard the actual linguistic import of such marks.

 
(5) Liberally distribute caps and punctuation at random throughout to establish additional rhythm pattern and meta-meaning.

(6) Attach a fanciful title -- in English (a translation, perhaps...?) and as non-sequiturish as possible, in order to introduce more -- though ultimately meaningless, of course -- connotation.

Examples 

(1) 
bcdfghjklmnpqrstvwxzbcdf...

 
(2a) 
b c d f g h j k l m n p q r s t v w x z... 

              ^   ^   ^   ^   ^   ^   

            aeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaei...

(2b)
b a c e d i f o g u h a j e k i l o m u n a p e q i r o o s u t a v e w i x o y u z b a c...

(3) 
bac edi fogu hajek ilo muna peqiroo sut ave wixo yuz... 

(4) (The keyboard I'm using doesn't provide for alternate characters. Be sure to secure one which does.) 

(5) 
Bac edi -- fogu...?  Hajek ilo muna (peqiroo sut) ave: Wixo yuz!

(6a)

 
Palimpsest 
 
Bac edi -- fogu...? Hajek ilo mun-  *  *  *  *  -a (peqiro sut) 'ave: wix...oyuz!
 
(N.B.: Inserted asterisks indicate missing or illegible text 
in an imagined original.)

(6b) The following is a recent couplet composed by a beginning composition student of Uly Poe's, young Smig E. ("The Jet Man") Smig:

 
Distichy Wicket
 
Malnek pi joquhr, gasfet divoc: wub xayzee:
bad eg, "Jilno qu..." Syvax zec -- fhik! -- mo prutwy!

 
(a work in progress)

Runcibl'd Spoonerisms For Dummies: A Tutorial

A spoonerism results when a pair of vowels, consonants or morphemes in two syllables or words of a phrase or clause are transposed, creating a second phrase or clause with a different, often comic, meaning. A runcibl'd spoonerism results when each of the two components of the spoonerism (which may rhyme) is preceded by a definition, which two definitions do rhyme. Thus, a runcibl'd spoonerism takes the form of the statement of a proportion similar to 'a' : 'b' :: 'c' : 'd,' where 'a' defines the phrase or clause 'b,' 'c' defines the phrase or clause 'd,' and where 'a' and 'c' rhyme. (In the example below, the two elements themselves of the spoonerism feature an eye rhyme.) 

An example 

('a') Sphynx's riddle...? Snare for fools : 
('b') Pyramids at Giza ::
('c') pepperoni plopp'd near tools :

('d') gear (amid sat pizza)

Another example 

Oz is nice, tho' not this season : 

No place like home ::

Bloody Christ! This joint is freezin'! :

Whole place...? Like Nome 

     Moral:

Don't twisters ride; 

it's cold outside. 

     (A tornado or "twister," of course transports Dorothy to Oz in the Baum classic.)

The second example above is supplemented by a kind of coda, a rhyming couplet, vaguely or tightly attached to the spoonerism, which adds a colloquy or moral message to it.

     An indeterminate number of runcibl'd spoonerisms in series, not necessarily thematically related to one another, are termed a spoondoolix. 

Prosopogostichs For Dummies; A Tutorial

Prosogostichs is the name assigned to the lines, most 

often eight in number, which form a verse parodying 

some limerick-like lines penn'd by poet Edward Lear. 

The verse's opening line, in dactyls as are all the lines, 

mimics the opening line of that poet's "How pleasant 

to know Mr. Lear," substituting the name of the subject 

of the new prosopogostichs for that of the fictionalized 

poet. The remainder of the poem goes on to portray 

aspect(s) of the life and/or character of the subject. 

The rhyme scheme of the stanza is either AbababAb, 

where the seventh line is virtually identical to the first, 

or AaaaaaAa in the case of a rigorously rhyming set of 

prosopogostichs, wherein all the lines rhyme and the 

opening and seventh lines again are virtually identical.

An example 

     Prosopogostichs On Kamala Harris

Not unpleasant to know...? Mrs. Harris.

From another Drumpf term may she spare us!

Unlike Drumpf, she would never embarrass

the U.S. in Beijing, Perth or Paris.

With her jubilant smile matic- charis,

of Joe Biden's agenda she's heiress.

This most-pleasant-to-know Mrs. Harris

is (Confess!) your progressive Polaris. 

WoLaLys For Dummies: A Tutorial

(Various new poetic forms -- i.e., the woLaLy, the to-’n’-froLaly, the mageek, the prosopogostichs, the bananagraffe and its split variant, the borrownym, the fauxmophone, the fifteener, the botchuLit, the haikucento, the runcibl'd spoonerism, the NightM.A.R.E. and the eclipsogram -- will be explained in a series of tutorials beginning with the one for the woLaLy appearing below.) 

* * * * *

 
The woLaLy aka the word ladder lyric begins with the construction of a word ladder string. A word ladder is a sequence of words in which each word changes a single letter to form the word following it and in which the first and the last word have some interesting semantic relationship.  For the woLaLy a sequence is selected for having as many as possible if not all of its items rhyming pairs (or triplets), or one allowing such pairs (or triplets) to be constructed.

An example

REAL>>>FAKE 
 
REAL>SEAL>SEAS>SETS>METS>MATS>

MATE>SATE>SAME>LAME>LAKE>FAKE

real seal (seas) 

sets Mets

(mats) mate sate
same lame
lake fake

After selecting a word ladder sequence, a poem is composed in rhyming couplets (or triolets). Those words having no accompanying rhymes shall be incorporated into the interior of one line or another that positions them between the two items they fall between in the original string.

 
Another example

     Real Fake 

I favor animals who're real --
the manatee, the leopard seal --
who swim the seas in matching sets 
but won't bat cleanup for the Mets
or steal the mats of someone's mate,
their mattress hankerings to sate.
I hope my readers feel the same,
nor don't construe my notions lame.
(The animal whose home's a lake
I don't consider real, but fake.)  

Body Cam Blues

What's the need to snap a pic
once coppers some escapees nick...?
Just mount 'em, trophy-buck style, 'top
a squad car for the photo op.
Or hang them fellows by the knees,
strung up like marlins in the Keys...?
When won't cops show, all ways they can,
man's inhumanity to man...? 

Bard's Cards; or, Shakespeare: The Hallmark Years

Britain's greatest dramatist honed his writing chops by 

penning quatrains for wry Elizabethan epistolarians. 

     Baby shower / new mom 

Love looks not with the eye but with the mind.

That diaper's full: Bambo thy bairn's behind!

     Sympathy / cellmate  

The better part of valor is discretion.

Consider my lips sealed re thy obsession.   

     Nth invoice / chronic deadbeat 
Neither a borrower nor a lender be. 
The final nail: now, forthwith, mail my fee! 

     Breakup / unisex 

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day...? 

Thou lazy, hazy, crazy art, okay...?

    Prenup congrats / sister-in-law 

Soft! what light through yonder window breaks...? 

Thou art engaged...? Let's hope this time it takes.

     Get well / favorite aunt 

To be, or not to be, that is the question.

Thy cancer diagnosis...? Indigestion. 

      Merry Xmas / juvenile

Once more unto the breach, dear friend, once more. 

I hope Claus gifts thee all thou bargain'd for. 

     Retirement / office colleague 

Methinks I am a prophet new inspired. 

Thy job's offshore...? Give thanks thou art retired. 

     Belated birthday / nephew 

Make me a willow cabin at your gate

so next year's gift buck won't arrive so late.      

     Pre-op wish / ex-spouse 

The quality of mercy is not strain'd.

Thou'll breathe far better with thy sinus drain'd. 

     Ash Wednesday / former pastor 

Now's the winter of our discontent.

I would thee reap a more repentant Lent. 

     New Year's / MAGA uncle 

Is this a dagger which I see before me...?

Happy New Year! (Hope next term's less stormy.)

Mum

Use silent 'a' when spelling 'bread.'

(Though ought it not be 'bred' instead...? 

And, as a rule, with bred come crumbs, 

tho' one's deem'd "fool" who spells 'em 'crums.')

     A pair of sissors -- sans a 'c'-- 

should snip as surely, seems to me,

on Wenesday as the day before.

(This seems a take on "Less Is More.")

     'Lov' fares fine without an 'e' --

though Indiana'd* disagree.

(I can no silent-'f' words find.

To further search I'm disinclined.)

     *"Love" series pop artist Robert Indiana

Now We Are Big: The Adult Fates of Some Childhood Mates

Little Black Sambo

Li'l Abner Yokum

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Miss Muffet

Little Nemo

Little Toot

Little Eva 

 

No longer little -- 

though still undeniably black -- 

and eschewing the moniker 'Sambo,' 

believing it wack,

Sam is now Abul-qasim Abwan, 

after turning his back

on McComb, Mississippi 

and heading for Basra, Iraq.

No longer 'Li'l' -- 

although growing disturbingly vocal

in his rants against use 

of the libelous epithet 'yokel' --

Abner's shutter'd his shack 

and resign'd from the bed testers local.

(Will such turnabouts alter him...? 

Betcha a week in New Yo'k'll.) 

 

Grown, although still looking chic 

in her signature hood,

Red no longer haunts Grandmama's Forest, 

nor feels that she should.

"I'm so finished with canines 'n' crones, now. 

Is that understood...?"

rages Red as she shoulders her basket. 

"I'm leaving for good."

Grown, though still prone 

to evade ev'ry maid-stalking spider,

Muff's now ask'd a famed arachnologist colleague 

to guide her.

From their cheese curd and whey food truck, 

marketing crab-apple cider,

they report that no insect of any ilk

even has eyed her.

No longer little, 

nor keen on some Slumberland visit,

preferring Las Vegas 

(which sure ain't no Slumberland, is it...?),

our Nemo now wanders the Strip ev'ry night,

while in lieu

of pajamas he sports used fatigues --

and a pith helmet, too. 

No longer little 

nor up to his old full-time duty,

and ignoring his fellow tugs'

use of the moniker 'Toot,' he,

as "Captain N. Route,"  

ferries immigrants here to the States,

N. Route so-o-o-o-o Emma Lazarus loves.

(Stephen Miller he hates.) 

With Uncle Tom granted 

his freedom at last, and she grown,

Eva leaves the plantation 

to live in Atlanta, alone.

Selling paperback Bibles, 

she does fairly well on her own,

till last May when she dies,

having choked on a porbeagle bone. 

The 12 'Chair-'s; or, 'Sit' Happens

To chair is human; to forgive, divan. 

                                                    -- GFH 

   Chairless, three Chairokees 

charily squat on their mounds.

ev'ry Aniyunwyan breathes deep 

as the pipe makes its rounds.

   Chairs at Chairnobyl 

stay runaway radioactive;

thus taking one's seat there 

continues, at best, unattractive. 

   Morning-room chairs 

at chez Sonny & Chair are of wicker.

(Rattan, willow...reed...? Bamboo, raffia...? 

Ple-e-e-ease, must we bicker...?)

   "Chairberus...Sit! Sit, boy!" 

demi-god Heracles said.

Then the Greek hero, sniggering, 

smack'd that beast upside the head.

 

   The rock shoal Chairibdis 

sits churning the Strait of Messina  

while Scylla sits opposite, 

howling like Dante's hyena.

   The Chairiff of Nottingham 

sits in his queen chair, adoze,

as Robin sashays in behind him 

and strikes off his nose.

   A Davenport oozes chairisma. 

A Chesterfield, too.

A couch and the sofa, however, 

ooze none. (Sad but true.) 

   Tourists who sit in Chairassic Park 

risk being ate

by this megalosaurid Eustreptospondyle...

or its mate.

   Upon chairs in this chaircuterie 

sits the posh carriage trade

sampling buffalo jerky 

while watching how sausage is made.

   One Chairubim skips today's Nones, 

flits thru' heaven's three zones.

Like her fellows the Thrones, 

she, for Him, sports a sizeable jones.

   In upstate New Chairsey it sits -- 

Chairsey City by name.

Not as blatant as Hoboken, true; 

yet deserving of fame.

   Meet young Chaired Cushioner 

("Whoopee!" to both of his friends).

May he soon take his seat in Gehenna! 

(My curse my verse ends.) 

More "How Do You Who's Whos Hold Your Hooch...?"

     Much depends on the meaning of 'hold.' 

     I

"Be your rotgut rums or Ripples,

how d'you pooh-bahs tote your tipples...?"

Here's a man in black. Let's ask 

the haut-hydrated Johnny Cask:

     "Be your sauce, John, Schlitz or 'Scootch,' 

how do you Who's Whos hold your hootch...?

And might you moonshine render sterile...?"

Answers John: "Quiz Yogi Barrel."

     II

"However judgments you deduce, 

how do you jurists lug your juice...?"

"You, Sam...?" "A liter." "'lena...?" "Kegs." 

"You, Amy...?" "Ponies -- brims to dregs." 

     (More to come; a work in progress)