"Be baby l'homme or baby wench..." Olfactory Facts: A Nonsense Rhyme (from AmalgaMates)

Be baby l'homme or baby wench,
your baby's bum breeds babystench.
Despite the Glade, the air smells errant
all around your heir apparent.

Be baby blue or, maybe, pink,
still, baby's poo makes baby stink.
Though mater's son or pater's daughter,
baby smells unlike (s)he oughter.

Baby's yin crowns baby's yang
but can't begin to mask the tang.
Be baby bald or born with quiff,
the neighbors' called: they've had a whiff.

Some babies hide. Some babies seek.
But someone lied: all babies reek.
Your baby coos. Your baby yells.
But, breaking news: your baby smells!

"Alpha ain't for 'Al-Farabi'..." What Alpha Ain't For: A Nonsense Greek Alphabet

Alpha ain't for 'Al-Farabi.' 
Beta ain't for 'bait a hook.'
Gamma ain't for 'Gamme' Gurton,' 
her whose needle no man took.
Delta ain't for 'dealt a blow.' 
Epsilon...? It ain't for zip.
Zeta ain't for 'Say ta my José...' 
(Tho' Carmen's sure a pip.)

Eta ain't for 'ate a horse.' 
Theta ain't for 'They ta my
Jothéy...' -- like zeta just above, 
but lisp'd. (And don't you dare ask why.)
Iota...? For 'I owe da mob'...? 
Kappa...? For 'I cap a keg'...?
Lambda...? For 'lamb ta da slaughta'...? 
Nope! (Hey, would I pull your leg...?)

Mu...? Mu ain't for '"Moo" goes Bossy.' 
Nu...? Nu ain't for 'knew da ropes.'
Xi...? Xi ain't for 'Dixie Chicks.' (Those 
sicks who diss'd the Chicks were dopes.)
Omicron I'll set aside. 
Pi...? Pi ain't for 'piece o' poo.'
Rho...? Rho ain't for 'row yer boat.'
What's sigma for...? I've got no clue.

Tau...? Tau ain't for 'Tow'r o' Pisa.' 
Upsilon...? I'm sure it ain't 
for 'Oops! A lawn 'n' garden shop.' 
Phi...? Phi is not for 'Fifi, Saint.'
Chi...? Chi ain't for 'key dat Chrysler.' 
Psi...? Psi ain't for 'upsy-daisy.'
Last, omega: it's for 'grecian
formula'...or am I crazy...?

"I have crafted cryptic crosswords..." No Snarks (Yet): A Nonsense Rhyme

I have crafted
cryptic crosswords,

whistled “Dixie”
in the dark. 
Geese and ganders
I’ve steered sauce-wards.
Still, I've never
hunted snark.

Leading-edgy
with the Legos,
I’ve laid bricks to
fix my mark.
I’ve trekked T'erra
del Fuegos --
although not to
hunt the snark.

I’ve played Scrabble,
checkers, chess and
Go – in playpens,
parlors, parks.
Cheat at Go? Me?
Yes and no. But 
I have yet to
hunt for snarks. 

Have I Pit Bulls
bred with Pugs, be-
getting bites fa-a-a-ar
worse than barks?
Sure I have -- you
bet big bucks! Still,
I have never
hunted snarks.

Abe implies... -- Let's Kill 'Em -- What A's...

Abe chastises: "Slaves are men!" Let's kill him.
Martin plies his righteous pen. Let's kill him.
Lennon peace would give a chance.
Milk won't cease: he'll gays advance.
Till's caprice...? Towards white gals glance. Let's kill 'em.

Gandhi talks and walks the walk. Let's kill him.
Joe Hill balks: he's more than talk. Let's kill him. 
Guevara's rex of moral fights.
Don Bolles protects folks' civil rights.
And Malcolm X upsets us whites. Let's kill 'em.

Romero's shepherd to his flock. Let's kill him.
RFK calls crime "a crock." Let's kill him.
Tiller...? He's for women's health.
Lenin redistributes wealth.
Hey! Who's that knockin' corp'rate pelf...? Let's kill 'em.

"Slap downs! Slanders..." 5000 & Still No Downside? A Lament

Slap downs! Slanders! Lies call'd quips!
(Shall Trump's loose lips not sink his ships...?)

Defamations! Slams 'n' slimes!

Still Trump's approval rating climbs.

Dirty linens! Calumnies!

(Shall Trump be not brought to his knees...?)

Cheap shots! Smears! Aspersions! Mud!

Still Trump drones on: "Sans ME, the Flood!"

Backbiting! Wink-winks! Scandals! Dirt!
(Shall Trump's GOP sit, inert...?)
Back stabs! Libels! Sneering! Slurs!
And still Trump's obloquy recurs.

Collusion! Greed! Corruption! Hate!
Who'll rid us of this reprobate...?

(Whose schnoz surpass does Donald's nose...?

Pinocchio's! And so it goes.)     

"Meet the marriage forged in hell..." Arrivedercivanka: Terza Rimas on an Ivanka Drumpf Departure:

     "If Ivanka weren't my daughter I'd be dating her." 
-- D. Drumpf. (The parenthetical question is, of course, 
posed by Aretha.)

Meet the marriage forged in hell, 

where Daddy doubles as the groom.

The bride...? Ivanka. (Who zooms whom...?)

     "83% of Drumpf utterances are half true, mostly 
false or pants-on-fire false, and a vanishingly small 
4% are true." -- PolitiFact. (The room referenced 
is, of course, the Oval Office.) 

Detect you that mendacious smell,

that bigly el'phant in the room?

It ain't Ivanka-brand perfume.

     Regarding Ivanka's fashion line: "Go buy it 
today!" -- Drumpf spokesblonde K. Conway

Ms Conway's raison d'etre...? Hawk

chic tchotchkes from Ivanka's Loom.
The goal: Ivankanomic boom...? 

     "Nordstrom drops Ivanka brand products." 
-- The New York Times

That sound you hear's a sunset gun.
Drumpf's dumped his Kool-Aid in our Sanka.
(First off, though, let's dump brand Ivanka.)

     "Drumpf runs the US as a family business." 
-- CNBC

So: who's to thank...? The Drumpf Cartel.
("Merci" in French. In German, "danke.")
Thanks for all you've done, Ivanka.

The Chronic Ills of "Narnia": Rewriting Lewis in the Wake of Drumpf

"The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" rewritten and reissued as
"The Liar's Three Kids in the War Room"
     Synopsis:

"Prince Caspian" rewritten and reissued as
"Drumpf's Prints Are All Over the Caspian"
     Synopsis:

"The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" rewritten and reissued as
"Bon Voyage, Don, You Traitor!"
     Synopsis:

"The Silver Throne" rewritten and reissued as
"The Golden Toilet"
     Synopsis:

"The Horse and His Boy" rewritten and reissued as
"The Whoreson in Boise"
     Synopsis: 

"The Magician's Nephew" rewritten and reissued as
"The Meretrician's Son-in-Law"
     Synopsis:

"The Last Battle" rewritten and reissued as
"The Last Brat'll"
     Synopsis:

(Synopses to come: a work in progress)

"Belief in the Aawl..." Mystery Menagerie: Abecedarial Hommage à Gorey

Belief in the Aawl 
remains aawlfully small.
What's known of the Bryll 
is, essentially, nil.

Apropos the Clampoo, 
I'm as clueless as you.
Expert probes of the Drune…? 
Discontinued last June.

Concerning the Erd 
I've heard nary a word.
R&D on the Flopt...? 
Ex officio stopp'd.

Should I crossbreed the Glanz...? 
Though I could, I've no plans.
Once endanger'd, the Hyst 
now's been scratch'd from that list.

The Ilk lost its ears. 
(Heaven knows how it hears.)
I disparaged the Jang. 
Then some fat lady sang.

The Klaavoy...? Stillborn 
on a voyage 'round the Horn.
How the Lhugee survives...? 
By ingesting its wives.

Ask'd to take in a Mhanx, 
I said, "Thanks but no thanks."
So: how cool is the Nuyk, 
one part dog, two parts duck!

Pay respects to the Ong, 
but don't tarry too long.
Time reported the Phryfe 
lives in fear for its life.

Have you seen the Qabaz...? 
Face it: nobody has.
Both blogs 'bout the Rholld...? 
Evidently on hold.

The life of the Schtook 
fills one very small book.
What's the knack of the Tyghte...? 
Why, to hide in plain sight.

Sad: the last living Uew 
died in 2002.
Sure, the Vardovalette 
makes a toler'ble pet.

All the Wargs "went extinct" 
once we'd seen how they shrink'd.
Yes, the Xanthano can 
catch the Gingerbread Man.

The Yegarrara pair 
interlaces its hair.
I know the Zeezughzint 
would love to...but doesn't.

"'Bite your tongue'? Control that ire!..." Take a Bite: A Nonsense Glossary

"Bite your tongue"...? Control that ire!
"Bite your lip"...? Halt! Hold your fire!
"Bite your thumb"...? I quote the Bard.
"Bite the bullet"...? Do what's hard.

"Dog bites man"...? That's nugatory.
"Man bites dog"...? Now, that's a story.
"Dog bites God"...? That's an'gram glory.
"God bites dust"....? That's Fred's* furore.
     * Nietzsche

"A is for Aesop. 'Tis I..." Abbreviated Aesop: An Alphabet in Rhyme

Presenting the fab fabulist in 26 distichs (several of 'em expanded), 
his tales encapsulated for any who'd otherwise give these myths a miss. 
For fuller treatments, conduct a web search for 'em or their alternate 
titles as provided in the footnotes.  

A is for Aesop. 'Tis I.
(Who'd act brash spells it 'ash, sigma, omicron, pi.')*


     * Æ, σ, o, π. 

Reads one "Andra moi ennepe Mu-..." here...?*
Not one whit! This lit's wit's writ for you, dear.


       * The opening line of Homer's Odyssey. 

B's for my "Belling the Cat."*
Gist...? To say's not to do. (Dudes like you should know that.)


     * Also known as "The Mice in Council."

C's for "The Cock and the Jew'l."
What's its gist...? Who'd persist fetching frills finds...a fool.

D's for "The Dog in the Manger."
Who accrues without using...? Snarls any cur stranger...?

E is for Ennus, my scion.
Me he jailed. Si! He failed. (Enn's no gens I'd rely on.)

F's for "The Fawn and His Mother."
No raisón favors fight -- not when flight is one's druther.

G's for "The Gnat and the Bull."

It's too true: you're just you. Don't let pride pull the wool.

H...? For "The Hare and the Tortoise."

Read and weep; never sleep! (Ring's a bell does Abe Fortas...?)*
  

     * The Justice's descent into scandal is here considered 
a sort of ethical somnolence.

I's for "The Idol of Clay."*

Not cajoled (to it pray though one may),

it spills gold when one breaks it one day.

(It appears the god hears -- in his roundabout way.)


     * In Aesop's original, the idol is made of wood.

J's for my "Jove and the Monkey."*

Read! Take note! Your son's haut, be he fair-haired or funky.


     * Aesop's fable, called "The Beauty Contest of the Animals," 
features Zeus as the judge.

K's for "The King of the Frogs."*

Moral? Don't for storks sue! Do make do with god's logs.


     * Also called "The Frogs Who Wished for a King."

L's for "The Lion in Love."

Be how passion's irrational cognizant of.

M's for "The Miser's Lost Gold."

Knick'd: the lot. Nor is Cotta consoled.*

Still, some thought: naught he bought, naught he sold:

what's amiss...? Merely this: not one dollar he'd doled!

     * In Aesop's "The Miser and His Gold," the miser 
is unnamed. Cotta is Pope's miser in that poet's 
"Epistle to Bathurst."  

N's for "The Neats' Tongues Adventure,"*
when, on balance, droll talents proved awkward to censure.

     * Not a fable but an incident recorded in various 
versions of The Aesop Romance.

O's for "the Old Man and Death."
Don't entreat Death's relief! Save your breath! Death's a thief.

P's for "The Peacock and Juno."

Point? You can't have it all. Folks will call you...(well, you know).

Q's for "The Quack Frog: a Fable."

First, Docteur, thyself cure! Or deserve your "quack" label.

R...? "The Irrational Raven."*

Change of scene doesn't mean you shall glean all you're cravin.'

     * Search for it as "The Swan and the Raven."

S...? For "The Stag at the Pool."

Don't say "Nay!" to what may prove a life-saving tool.

T's for "The Thieves and the Cock."

Your belief and a thief won't undo you...? A crock.

U's for "Four Oxen, United."*

Graze alone, on your own...? Quick demise you've invited.

     * Better known as "The Oxen and the Lion."

V's for "The Vine and the Goat."

Keep your fast! Who laughs last when lies open your throat...?

W...? "Wolf and the Kid."

Acting smart ain't great art when one's cautiously hid.

X is for Xanthus, my master.*

Had slave not been my lot, would've pastures proved vaster...?

     * Again, not a fable but biographical lore to be found 
in Aesop's Vita.

Y's for "The Youth and His Mother."*
Raised your child to run wild...? Wait: he'll wind up not other.

     * Also called "The Boy and His Mother" or "The Young 
Thief and His Mother."

Z's for "the Zephyr/Sol War."*
What beats force...? Well, of course, domination will... Or...


     * Search for it as "The North Wind and the Sun."

Foam and the Colonel: Caricatures

Foam Chomsky

Colonel Cyclops