Shakespeare's Sonnets

Shakespeare's sonnets...? 
William wrote one hundred fifty four.
Shakespeare soon hits
each aesthetic target -- that and more.   
Shakespeare's 'sonics'...?
Sometimes sub'd for 'sonnets' heretofore. 
Shakespeare's son...? It's 
Hamnet, is it not...? (Bill's boy's a bore.)
'Soon hits,' 
'sonics,' 
'son...? It's,' 
'sonnets':
Bill, you're so-o-o-o-o the whore!

Shakespeare's sonnets...?
De rigueur in Avon, Bath and Reading. 
Shakespeare's so nuts 
he bequeath's his wife substandard bedding.
Shakespeare's suin' Nats 
third baseman Noll, a trial Jake's dreading.
Shakespeare's sane. It's 
Pound who's nuts. (D'you see where this is heading...?)
'So nuts,' 
'suin' Nats,' 
'sane. It's,' 
'sonnets':
White-coat men: Get netting!  

Shakespeare's sonnets 
celebrate the girl of Willie's dreams.
Shakespeare's Senate's 
chockablock with Caesarcides, it seems.
Shakespeare's sand gnats
fill his flat; with stinging flies it teems.
Shakespeare's sea nets
mahi-mahi, carp and gilt-head breams.
'Senate's,' 
'sand gnats,' 
'sea nets,' 
'sonnets':
Which unknowns...? Which memes...?

Shakespeare's sonnets
so impress'd the poet's maw and paw.
Shakespeare's sign outs-
ide his house: "Kings...? Not above the law." 
Shakespeare's sun hats...? 
Made in Myanmar -- braided hemp or straw.
(Shakespeare's Sioux...? Not s-
een in any play of Will's. Search Shaw.)* 
'Sign outs-,' 
'sun hats...?.' 
'Sioux...? Not s-,' 
'sonnets':
Some stick in my craw.

Shakespeare's sonnets
fill up fourteen lines aka parts.
Shakespeare's song hits...?
"Me, Oh, My Ophelia" climb'd the charts.
Shakespeare's sanit-
ary napkin play no critic hearts.
Shakespeare's sin etc-
etera…? The Bard's tempestuous farts.
'Song hits,' 
'sanit-,' 
'sin etc-,' 
'sonnets':
Will's back where he starts.

Friday Observation

A Mercedes Benz.
A Studebaker brakes.
Merci! Dee spends,
while Stu d'Baykre breaks.
Merde! See dese 'pain's...?*
Tho' stew'd, our baker bakes.
(Mon Dieu! There tends
to be a quake of takes.)
     *Apparently a French baker 

Arkwear or Do Dudes Don Duds When Come the Floods?

Noted Noah one day, “Hard rain's headin' our way. Come on, creatures: embark! Board my boat!
Leave thy liv'ry behind. Thy shalt need none, thy’ll find. Drop thy hat! Drop thy drawers! Drop thy coat!

But those beasts answer'd, “No! Without duds, we're 'no show'.” (Though the weeds each would wear weren’t too haut.)

But, in lieu of ado, let me ABC you through the glad rags each did opt to tote.

The anthropoid apes air'd their crinoline capes. Twin Argentine ants danced in corduroy pants.

At first, both the ‘gators donn'd heavyweight waders, which, later, they hitch'd up with RAF gaiters.

The brown bears and boars boasted toreadors. Two bumblebee bats pranced in Panama hats.

(As predicted, three kittens misplaced pairs of mittens, though calico cats did wear knitted cravats.)

Caribbean coots laced up lumberjack boots. Both the crabs and the cooties cavorted in booties.

Did donkeys and ducks sport their kicks – Keds or Chucks...? Yep! (And dogs and dugongs slipped on sexy sarongs.)

The elephant seals wore eleven-inch heels, while those fashion-plate frogs wore a medley of togs.

The guppies and gnus grabb'd their formal dress blues as gorillas and gophers wore each others’ loafers.

Where did horses and herons find used Donna Karans...? (Iguanas – and I – bore bandanas…sans tie.

And while just the one mouse donn'd her button-down blouse, sev’ral (two!) kangaroos vamped in Vera Wang shoes.) 

But of course: Minke whales dressed in white tie and tails, and the Andean llamas wore flannel pajamas.

The marmoset pair had re-tinted their hair, while the two malamutes killed…in seersucker suits.

One moose told the mules: “Wear the family jew'ls!” Then the other moose fancied a Berber burnoose.

As per usual, newts wore new custom-cut suits. And, as ever, the owls donn'd Dominican cowls.

The parrots and pigs wore extensions and wigs. Quails...? The female came veil'd; the male trotted out tail’d.

Rats and rabbits wore sabots. The she-goat...? A pea coat. The skinks, like the skunks, swann'd in flip-flops and trunks.

The salmon and smelts wore their karate belts. Snarks and snipes and such types vamp'd in vertical stripes.

Sev’ral tsetses gave shout, calling stripes “too far out…” Thence each ended up dress'd in their Sabbath-day best.

The umbrella birds wore what, just two days before, each had bought at Goodwill: some nice herringbone twill.

The vicunas came dress'd in their “his-‘n’-hers” vests – while the two wolverines donn'd distress'd denim jeans.

The xanthareel’s clothes featured deftly placed bows, while the Yorkies and yaks model'd gabardine slacks.

And the Zimmermann’s shrew did what all the rest knew the young rascal would do: he came nude. Wouldn't you...?

Coda

Yes, the stark-naked shrew, with her dishabill'd pup,
situated herself in a measuring cup
and remain'd on the main...till the waters dried up.

Errors in Alphabetical Order...in Alphabetical Order

A puts ‘a little bit’ under ‘the weather.’
B pegs ‘bassoon sounding’ lower than ‘flute.’
C stores ‘conducting my’ post ‘mortem, Mortimer.’
D hangs ‘desire’ under 'elms.' (Too, too cute...?)

E installs ‘eggs (brown, farm-fresh)’ over ‘easy.’
F places ‘far’ above ‘Cuyoga’s waters.’
G fixes ‘get thee’ behind ‘me, O Satan.’
‘H’ before ‘B…U…T'…? Sure! (Farmer's daughters.)

I settles ‘I’ve got you’ under ‘my skin.’ 

J parks ‘June 's bustin’ out’ over ‘all over…’

‘Kilimanjaro’ K ranks above ‘Everest.’
L...? ‘Lies’ below -- just! -- ‘the surface of clover.’

M...? ‘Mind’ (or ‘move’) over ‘matter’ (or ‘darling’).
N lodges ‘no one laughs’ later than ‘Loki.’
O lays ‘one’ over ‘the cuckoo’s nest flew.’

P sticks ‘performing’ on top of ‘Old Smokey.'

Q quarters 'quit' prior to 'getting arrested.'

R assigns 'right here' in front of 'my eyes.'

S stations 'sit' in the back of 'the bus.'

T's planting 'thyme' after 'time' -- a surprise.

Above 'the world so high' U allocates 'up.'
V lodges 'Vincent van Gogh' o'er 'the top.'
W sets 'well" well above 'the speed limit.'
X casts 'Xemena Duque's' leading 'man.' (Stop!)

Y lays 'yet wave' o'er 'the land of the free.'
Z puts 'ziggurat found' above 'underground tomb.'
What's needed, some say...? Just new software. I say
what is needed's a new typographical broom.

Black, Brown & Beige Broadway

The Great White Way is out. So: what’s in….?

Out: Forty-Second Street     
In: One Hundred and Forty Second Street

Out: Show Boat     
In: Sho’Nuf Boat

Out: Candide         
In: Farrakhandide

Out: A Tree Grows In Brooklyn         
In: A Negro...? In Brookline...?

Out: Jesus Christ, Superstar         
In: Jesus Lopez! Superfly!

Out: Oklahoma!         
In: OklaHomie! 

Out: Kismet           
In: Kiss the 'Hood Goodbye!

Out: Funny Girl         
In: Funky Girlfren’

Out: On A Clear Day You Can See Forever 
In: On Career Day You Can See the Custodian’s Closet 

Out: The Phantom of The Opera         
In: De Fans, Dey Love Dare Oprah

Out: Into the Woods         
In: Outta Da 'Hoods! 

Out: The Iceman Cometh         
In: Ice-T’s on Meth

Out: Mame!     
In: Mammy!

Out: Damn Yankees          
In: Frickin’ Honkies

Out: An American in Paris         
In: Afro-Americans in Pairs

Out: Hello, Dolly     
In: Wha’ Zup, LaToya...?

Out: Rent 
In: Rant! 

Out: The Color Purple         
In: De Color’d Peeples

Out: Anyone Can Whistle         
In: Many Bloods Pack Pistols

Out: Man Of La Mancha     
In: You Da Man, LaMar, Ain’cha...? 

Out: 110 in the Shade         
In: A Hundred 'n' Ten Different Shades

Out: The King and I         
In: Don King Is High!

Out: Annie Get Your Gun         
In: Brandy Grab Yer Glock

Fake News

The young North Korean recently filmed in the act 
of defecting to the South is named Ho Li Cao.

'Elvis Lives!' = 'Permanent Presley.'

On Monday a sign was spotted below a basket of 
free bread outside a Bombay bakery reading: 
“Have a loaf! It’s better than naan.”

Who takes to her bed with some ST disease
so’s to not help me bang out my new vocalise…?
It’s my Muse, while I cry, “I’d so hoped, if ‘twould please,
you’d have taught me new tunes using only black keys.”
.
Translation etcet'ra sets tasks Herculean --
e.g., "raison 'wet're" ain’t "reason for peein'."  .

Which conjunction do grammarian/logicians favor more...? 

Is it an 'and' or is it an 'and/or'...? (Or is it only 'or'...?)

Gaelic Roots

     Macadamia 
Motel in-room snack bar nut or toxin frackin’ Fido’s gut.*
     * Macadamias are apparently toxic to dogs.  

     MacBeth 
Toney Tony-winning part or tough transgender's nom-de-tart.

     McCormick 
Baltimorons' spice vendeur or 'mick'…or 'Mac.' (Seems no one’s sure.)

     McDuck 
Grasping geezer, Loon de Loot or Ebenezer, cast as coot.*
     *  A canvasback or gallinule or bufflehead – but no one’s fool

     Macedonia 
Where Phillip* plants his totem pole or country tasked with crowd control.** 
     * The Man of Macedonia, of course 
     ** Cf recent refugee crisis at Greek border

     McFries 
Slipp'ry slope towards childhood lard or poorly spelt 'McFlies.' (Canard!)  

     MacGuffin 
Hitchcock movie plot technique or letters from my 'muffin' leak.*
     * I.e., an ‘a,’ a ‘c’ and a ‘G’ dropped from ‘MacGuffin’ leave ‘muffin.’

     MacHu (Picchu) 
Abandon'd Incan real estate or Irish sneeze. (Gesundheit, mate!)

     McIntosh 
Apple breed, or leakproof coat or Gael immersed in nonsense quote.*
     * Mc in 'tosh'

     Mick Jagger 
UK knighthood candidate* or packhorse manager’s work state.
     * I.e., Sir Mick  
     ** In England the owner or manager of a pack of horses was called a jagger.

     MacKinac 
Island in a Huron Lac or relatives of Mac call’d ‘Ac.’ 

     McLean 
Virginia home to CIA or new McDonald's meal. (No way!)

     McMansions 
Nouveau-riche “garage mahal" or (sans 'i') Erse M.,* C.,** et al.***
     * I.e., Marilyn, the rocker   ** I.e., Charles, the nutter   
     *** I.e., other members of the so-called “Manson family.”

     MacNutt 
Dude dubb’d Boob (Rube's* handiwork) or laptop user's Apple quirk.
     * I. e., Goldberg.  

     McCoy 
Star Fleet officer named "Bones" or how a Jew from Galway moans.

     MacPherson (Strut) 
Suspension system in fine cars or move on "Dancin' With Scots Stars."

     McQueen 
Prissy to Leigh's Scarlett O'* or Irish guy in gay floor show.
     * I. e, Butterfly

     McRib 
Sandwich made with barbie’d pork or baby's bunk from Leith or Cork.*
     * I.e., Mac Crib.

     McSweeney's 
Innovative publishing,
or "What-if-Todd-were-Irish…?" thing. 

     ("Soap") MacTavish 
"Call of Duty" go-to guy or suds for Irish drip 'n' dry. 

    MacUlar (Degeneration) 
Age-related loss of sight or Quarter Pounder burger blight.

     McVeigh 
Homely home-grown terror bird* or Irish “Oy! Vey!” spelt absurd.
     * I.e., Oklahoma bomber Timothy.

     MaxWell (House) 
Caffeine good to final drop or where Mac plops his mops to sop.*
     * I.e., Mac's well house.  

    MaXimilien 
Major "Reign of Terror"ist”* or beaucoup bucks within one's fist.**
     * I.e., Robespierre   ** I.e., maxi million

      MacY's: 
Sponsor of that big parade or Irish inn where young men stay'd.*
     * A Dublin YMCA.

     MCZSGT: 
Sgt. "Jim"'s* own CAPTCHA word or letter salad – shaked and stir’d.
     * That’s Sgt. N. (“Jim”) Smithe-Magee (the N stands for ‘(k)Nack)

Middleton's Mongo Moodswings

Ming the Merciless:
"Bring me Flash Gordon...alive!" 

*  *  *  *  *

Ming the More-or-Less:
"Bring me -- if you feel like it -- Flash Gordon -- if it's not too much trouble -- or you can bring Gordon Ramsey...or Michael Jordon, if it's all the same to you -- dead or alive...whatever..."

Ming the Mirthless:

“A priest, a minister and a rabbi bring Flash Gordon into a bar...alive.” 

Ming the Merthileth:
"You bathturdth better ethcort Mithter Flath Gordon into my prethenth immediately if not thooner -- and make thure he'th fully conthciouth."

Merce the Mingciless:
"Fring me Gash Bordon...that is, Bash me Ford Grindon…that's to say, Gore me Fling -- ...lull-hive!" 

Minga the Murderess:
Mongo's Minga death rays aimed
at earth. The bitch left earthmen maimed.
Said Minga,"I'll hit overdrive, 
unless you bring me Flash...alive!"

Ming the Mascaraless:
"Bring me Flash Gordon alive...and a couple of tubes of L'Oreal Paris Makeup  Telescopic Original Lengtheners in Carbon Black!"

Ming the Mercibeaucoup:

“Apporte moi Monsieur Gordon vivant, s’il vous plait!”

Ming the Immersible:

“Blub-blub-bling me blub-blash Gorblub-blb…alie-flub-blub-blub…”

Ming the Mercantile:
"Bring me Flash Gordon...and a price quote on one of those fancy new digital atom furnaces!" 

Ming the Mercenary: 
"Bring me Flash Gordon! (The Clay King has issued a fatwa on that rascal and I’m just the interstellar bounty huntin' bastard to fulfill it and bring him in... alive, of course.)"

Ming the Merlinophile:
“Bring me Flash in a flash, ala "abracadab"!
No, don’t call Flash an earthling! Don’t call Flash a cab! 
No, don’t call Flash for dinner! Just bring Buster Crabbe!
Oh...and bring Flash alive...I'll brook none of your gab."  

Ming the Merrymaker:
“Bring me three Doctor Zarkovs, two Princess Auras and a Flash Gordon – alive! – in a Plutonian pear tree.”

Ming the Merganser:
“Bring me Flash Gordon, plus a bucket of crustaceans, a Mongo mollusk or two and some nice insect larvae...alive!”

Ming the Merkelanhanger:
"Bring me Herr Gordon: Angela wants to meet the dude and you know I can’t say ‘nein’ to Die Chancellor."

Ming the Mercurial:
"Bring me Flash...no, wait...yeah, go ahead and grab that bad boy...no, no: hold on a minute...yeah, get him, get him…oops, wait a sec…"

Ming the Molly-Malone-Lass:
"Bring me Flash Gordon...alive, alive, oh-ohhh, alive, alive, oh-ohhh..."

Telling Death Where to Get Off

O Death, where be yer stinger…?
(At five o'clock ‘n’ closing fast. 
Mad Marksman Ghastly's unsurpass’d.
Extinction’s on the wing.) 

Yo, Death! There be yer stinger! 
Bared teeth, unsheath’d, beneath yer shirt!
Within one min, who's munchin' dirt
on 'ccount o’ Seker’s* zinger…?
     * An Egyptian falcon god of the dead 

Sho,' Death: I'd flee yer stingers,
tho’ 'tain't I'm ill-prepared to go:
I'd merely like some quid pro quo:
how's 'bout one final fling befo’…

…yer Kaddish chorus sings…?
I'm a-ok with playin’ slot,
or smokin’ pot… (God knows I'm not
yer quintessential swinger.)

Bro Death, spare me yer stinger! 
Sham shamans spout, "He's got a clot."
Whose fault…? "His own!" (I'd best quest not
for whom curt curfews ring.)

So: Death, Bereavement Bringer:
My mother's call I’m urged to heed.
(What call…? "My son: resist yer need
to loiter, loll ‘n’ linger.") 

Show, Death, where be yer stings:
None out back. None in Santa's sack.
They're lacking in our postman's pack.
(Plus, twice he always rings.)

Who-o-oah, Death! Put by yer stingers! 
Just cool it, Earl! Yer lip uncurl! 
Desist, Death Dipshit, lest I flip
ya birds: third -- upwards -- fingers!

AFI's Greatest Alternate Remakes

(Like Gov. Christy, "We spoof in the spirit of Spooner.")

In this sequel to Citizen Kane, Charles Foster's bastard son, 
Christopher, continues to search for the meaning behind his
father's mysterious final word. Failing to discover it, the poor 
boy is eventually institutionalized. 
     The film is called Kit Is Insane.

As variant to his groundbreaking On the Waterfront, Elia 
Kazan's new production portrays life in and around the world 
of horse racing experienced by Edie Doyle's younger sister, 
an unattractive but plucky dwarfling. 
     Elia calls his latest film Wanda, Odd Turf Runt.

With production of Wanda well under way, cinebuffs learned 
that a Mexican film company is developing an animated sequel 
to Kazan's classic which will relate the adventures of a young 
Chicano lad who escapes LA gang life to become A&R 
man for a group of performing sea mammals living and working 
in the waters off the Baja Peninsula. 
     Planned for a Christmas holiday release and suitable for all 
audiences, the movie is called Juan the Otter Front.

In so-called Wuthering Heights II, Heathcliff and Cathy depart 
the Yorkshire moors for a West Indies sugar plantation where 
they spend their remaining years harassing a native population 
held by them in bondage. 
     The working title of this sequel is Hovering Whites.

In re-envisioning The Maltese Falcon as a biopic, documentary 
film makers feature journalist Muggeridge playing himself and 
claiming full responsibility for Original Sin. 
     The film is called The Fault? 'Tis Malcolm's.

This made-for-TV feature takes a U-turn from its model, 
The Grapes of Wrath. In the revision, Grampa Joad, after dying 
of the drug overdose administered to him by his family, returns 
from the dead to confront Tom, Rose of Sharon and the others, 
ultimately convincing the lot to eighty-six their trip to California 
in favor of emigration to Bar Harbor, Maine. 
     Rated R for language, the film is called The Wraith of Gramps.

666

Or the Beast is Yet to Come the Beast is Very Much With Us

Zero to 666 mph* in 6.66 seconds:
the UAR (Ungodliness Acceleration Rate)
of the Beast. 
     * 1077 km/h

666 miles per gallon:
the Fuel Economy Rating on the Road to Hell
of the Beast.

Skik-shik-shiksa:
the Gentle Gentile Goyim Goyl 
of the Beast.

66.6% abv:
the Brewmeister Beerelzebub's Beer Boast
of the Beast.

"Six-sixty-six skidoo!":
the BeelzeBum's Rush
of the Beast.

N+ 666:
the Oulipoetical Transliteration Technique
Whereby Each Noun in the Biblical Book 
of the Apocalypse Is Replaced with the 
666th Noun Following It in Webster's New 
International Dictionary (Third Edition)
of the Beast

"666 bottles of beer on the wall, 666 bottles of beer...":
the "Binge-Till-Yer-BeelzeBlotto" Satanic Stein Song
of the Beast 

"Sykes Sics Sheiks":
the “Stix Nix Hix Pix”-Type Tabloid Headline Featuring 
Story Concerning a Rabid Ms.  Wanda Sinking Bared 
Canines into Deserving Saudi Royals
of the Beast

The 0.666%*:
the Percentage of the U.S. population claiming membership 
in “Billionaires For The Beast”
of the Beast 
     * These bastards control 66.6% of the nation's wealth  

"Sixty-six days hath September":
the Calendrical Mnemonic
of the Beast.* 
      * "Sixty-six days hath September. 
         Six times six: March through November.
         Jan and Feb…? One less than seven.
         Dec…? Six plus five. (Eleven)
         Leap year starts from scratch, by heaven: 
         then, Sept's days run sixty-seven!" 

Snick-snick-snickers:
the Brimstone-Coated BeelzeBar
of the Beast

"Six hundred sixty-six men on a sick man's chest..." 
the Prince of Darkness Pirate Sea Shanty
of the Beast

Fahrenheit 666:
the Combustion Temperature of Brimstone
of the Beast.

"Leaflets six-six-six: touch not with ten-foot sticks!":
the Cautionary Mnemonic Identifying Devilishly 
Toxic Ivies
of the Beast.

"Sucks! Sucks! Sucks!":
Every Hannity Broadcast
of the Beast

666 Dalmatians:
the Diabolical Disney Derivative Devil Dog Dramedy
of the Beast.

Spooks! Spooks! Spooks!:
the Ghostbusters Cinematic Homage
of the Beast. 

"Spicks! Spicks! Spicks!":
the Illegal Immigration Insult (Hannity again) 
of the Beast.

"...ten...nine...eight...seven...six...six...six...":
the Aborted NASA Shuttle-Launch Liftoff 
Countdown Sequence
of the Beast.

"Shake! Shake! Shake!":
the Jerry Lee Lewcifer Look-Alike Contest Lyric
of the Beast.

"The 666 Horsemen of the Apocalypse":
the Military-Industrial Complex
of the Beast.

696:
the Menage a Trois Diabolical Deprave-o-glyph
of the Beast.

"Sing a song of 66 pence, pockets full of rye;
6 and 60 blackbirds baked (still breathing) in a pie...":
the Rhyming Recitation Recipe for Satan's 
Souffle Surprise
of the Beast.