Finger/Frank Fenomenology (Unpub)

Step 1: Position two hands, ideally yours, 

at eye level and in front of you at a distance 

of between 20 and 30 centimeters from your 

face. Extend your index fingers and point 

them towards each other.

Step 2: Gradually bring your index fingers 

together while looking through or past those 

fingers into the distance beyond them but 

continuing to maintain visual awareness of 

the tips of the fingers. (It helps if the back-

ground color differs from that of your fingers.

Step 3.1416…: Very soon there will appear

between your extended index fingers an 

image. You will find yourself witness to the 

famous "Hot Dog Hoax" -- a pseudo sausage 

roll initially blurred but gradually resolving 

into focus. This optical frankfurter consists 

of a blend of chimerical cuts -- rare beef, 

tender veal, juicy pork (pace Little Oscar), 

depending upon your religious preferences, 

and will also often feature a broad selection 

of favorite apocryphal condiments -- the 

so-called “Finger Fixin’s.”

Bon app!

A Dirtier Dozen: Cinematrivia (Unpub)

     Imagine a summer blockbuster in which "The Dirty Dozen" 

meets “The Last Supper.” Now imagine the credits.
 
Ken Buckle, who doubled for John Cassavetes,
who played Viktor Franko, co-stars as Simon Peter.
 
Gerry Crampton, who doubled for Telly Savalas,
who played Archer Maggott, co-stars as Judas Iskariot.
 
Joe Dunne, who doubled for Charles Bronson,
who played Joseph Wladislaw, co-stars as John the Apostle.
 
Romo Gorarra, who doubled for Jim Brown,
who played Robert Jefferson, co-stars as James the Greater..
 
Loren Janes, who doubled for Trini Lopez,
who played Pedro Jiminez, co-stars as Andrew the Apostle.
 
Terrence Plummer, who doubled for Donald Sutherland,
who played Vernon Pinkley, co-stars as Philip the Apostle.
 
Nosher Powell, who doubled for Clint Walker,
who played Samson Posey, co-stars as Bartholomew the Apostle.
 
Mike Reid, who doubled for Tom Busby,
who played Milo Vladek, co-stars as Matthew the Apostle.
 
Terry Richards, who doubled for Ben Carruthers,
who played Glenn Gilpin, co-stars as Thomas the Apostle.
 
Rocky Taylor, who doubled for Stuart Cooper,
who played Roscoe Lever, co-stars as James the Lesser.
 
Paul Westland, who doubled for Colin Maitland,
who played Seth Sawyer, co-stars as Jude Thaddeus.
 
The uncredited stuntman who doubled for Al Mancini,
who played Tassos Bravos, co-stars as Simon.

Bogart in Hell (Unpub)

materials for expansion: gadgets, ratchets, Madges, garages, collages...

      (Day 9) 
 
Fred C. Dobbs: "If you're plannin' on smokin' them cigars, you'll need matches. Where's your matches...? Let's see 'em."
 
Gold Hat: "Matches...? We ain't got no matches. We don't need no matches. I don't have to show you no stinkin' matches." 
 
     (Day 736) 
 
Fred C. Dobbs: "If you're as poor as you claim, your serapes should be full o' patches. Where's your patches...? Let's see 'em.
 
Gold Hat: "Patches...? We ain't got no patches. We don't need no patches...  
 
     (Day 82,054) 
 
Fred C. Dobbs: "If you'd just come from Ash Wednesday services, your foreheads would be smudged with ashes. Where's your ashes...? Let's see 'em."
 
Gold Hat: "Ashes...? We ain't got no ashes…
 
     (Day 9,998,976,003) 
 
Fred C. Dobbs: "If your compadres were actual members of the Italian Socialist Party, they'd be Fascists. Where's your Fascists...? Let's see 'em.”
 
Gold Hat: "Fascists...?”
 
     (Day 6,392,875,620,395,847) 
 
Fred C. Dobbs: "If you keep insistin' on sashayin' around in them skimpy two-piece bathin' suits, you'll need pageants. Where's your pageants...? Let's see 'em...
 
Gold Hat: “…” 
 
     (Day 83,492,736,574,839,283,759,293)
 
Fred C. Dobbs: "If you're really Muslims you’ll need hajjes. Where's your hajjes...?" 

AFI's Spooner'd Sequels (Unpub)

In this sequel to Citizen Kane, Charles Foster's bastard son, Christopher, continues to search for the meaning behind his father's famous final word but fails to discover it and in the end is institutionalized. 

     The film is called Kit Is Insane.
 
As a variant to his groundbreaking On the Waterfront, Elia Kazan's newest production portrays life in and around the world of horse racing experienced by Edie Doyle's younger sister, a dwarfling. 

     Elia calls his new movie Wanda, Odd Turf Runt.
 
With production of Wanda well under way, cinebuffs learned that a Mexican film company is developing an animated sequel to Kazan's original classic which will relate the adventures of a young Chicano who escapes LA gang life to become A&R man for a group of performing sea mammals living and working in the waters off the Baja Peninsula. 

     Planned for a Christmas holiday release, the film is called Juan the Otter Front.
 
In what the press is calling Wuthering Heights II, Heathcliff and Cathy depart the Yorkshire moors for a West Indies sugar plantation where they spend their lives harassing a native population in bondage. 

     The working title of this sequel is Hovering Whites.
 
In re-envisioning The Maltese Falcon as biopic, documentary film makers feature journalist Muggeridge playing himself and claiming full responsibility for Original Sin. 

     The film is called The Fault? 'Tis Malcolm's.
 
This made-for-TV feature takes a U-turn from its model, The Grapes of Wrath. In the revision, Grampa Joad, after dying of the drug overdose administered by his family, returns to confront Tom, Rose of Sharon and the others, ultimately convincing the lot to eighty-six their trip to California and to emigrate instead to Bar Harbor, Maine. 

     Rated R for language, the picture is called The Wraith of Gramps.

An OK Chorale (Unpub)

Three Earps, one Holliday (dubb’d Doc) in tow
to bolster their inadequate morale,
oppose a trapezoidal UFO:
The Tonne Kite at the OK Corral.
 
Doc Holliday is nuts for funny papers.
He follows Blondie, Skeezix and Prince Val.
The latter cuts, in armor bronze, wild capers:
The Dun Knight at the OK Corral.
 
The Earps had Sister Steele in second grade.
She smack'd ‘em good: she’s one unyielding gal.
She black'd one’s eye; she crack'd one’s shoulder blade:
The Nun Smite at the OK Corral.
 
Doc Holliday with Virgil, Morgan, Wyatt:
all four endure the consummate grand mal
as running sores of Attila run riot:
The Hun Blight at the OK Corral.
 
“Sure, ‘no man is an island,’” Wyatt notes,
“and ‘Death shalt die’ and ‘bells shall toll’ et al.
I’m up to here with metaphysics quotes…”:
The Donne Cite at the OK Corral.
 
The Earps ask ev'ry señor and señora.
They forage but can form no rationale
for walls dividing Tombstone from Sonora:
The Unbright at the OK Corral.
 
The Earps appoint a posse mann'd by cowboys.
The cow pies they amass resemble dal.
What species of embroilment have we now, boys…?
The Flung Shite* at the OK Corral…?
 
     * Possibly The Dung Flight at the OK Corral...?
 
The Earps -- that's Virgil, Morgan (Wyatt, too) --
along with MD Holliday, their pal,
face Dominick the Vampire. None pull through:
The Dunne Bite at the OK Corral.
 
The Earps have gone their way, replaced by Ike,
whom locals task with lifting their morale.
But Ike is dropp’d by Tyson -- Iron Mike:
The Stunn’d Dwight at the OK Corral.
 
My carol's through. I bid “adieu” to Wyatt,
now teaching Western Lit at Southern Cal.
(Remarks re cals reminds me of my diet:
The Pun Trite at the OK Corral.)

Aspects of 'Chi' (Unpub)

Dapper Don Ameche dotes on balding Ed Balducci.
Campo (yum!) di Bocce’s haut. So’s Italy’s Il Duce.
Ignorat’ Elenchi quotes sequential Fibonnacci.
 
Soprano Galli-Curci curtsies, dancing Hootchie-Kootchie.
Matthew Groening’s Itchy blurts, "See fancy Jughead’s Archie...?"
 
Pakistan’s Karachi fatwas fatuous Liberace.
Happy-New-Year Mochi…? “Not when Gott ist tot!” shouts Nietzsche.
In Nevil’s On the Beach, he plots how senior cits grow paunchy.
 
Accupressure’s Qi-Chi chews up Justis playing “Raunchy.”
Big Night’s Stanley Tucci brews up martial art form Tai Chi.
 
“…cedeme Un Chi Chi” croon collaborees from Vichy.
Maids from Weeki-Watchee swoon for frat boys’ Beta Xi Chi.
Shirley Yamaguchi soon licks Dragonball Z Chi Chi.
 
I tip my hat to ev’ry ‘chi.’ To each: Arrivederci, ‘chi’!

Ev'ryone's '-ster'ing (Unpub)

     Gott: sogar die maus!
 
Auster pens novels, pure post-modern stuff.
Bluster of Doodyville’s grumpy ‘n’ gruff.
Custer claims fame just for taking a stand
Dumpster…? Where half of the planet’s meals land.
 
Easter: He’s risen…? Let’s color some eggs.
Forster: his novels, as film scripts, have legs.
Gloucester: Lear’s sidekick is Edmund’s old dad.
Hester (Ms. Prynne)…? One more good gal gone bad.
 
Ister (that’s Aethicus Ister to you)
iters the Cosmographia. (Who knew…?)
Hieronymus author’d this erudite coup.
“Jester, The Court,” jaws of “brew that is true.”
 
Kapellmeisters’ keisters grow fat (all that sittin’).
Lester of Leicester's with lobster legs smitten.
Munsters are monsters, though Fred Gwynne is not.
Nor’easters…? They blow up the East Coast…a lot.
 
‘Oldster’ is shorthand for – si! -- senior cit.
Pollster: she’ll pick your brain. (Only a bit.)
Quaester (sic): Roman appointee (misspell’d).
Rochester…? Man Friday. (Benny’s excell’d.)
 
Sylvester Stallone plays a sinister sheister.
Twister: a cyclone. (Twinn’d twisters…? A “twice”ster.)
Ulster: the scene of some Irish dissension.
Vester…? “Of you” (Latin, second declension).
 
Worcester: the home of Quinsigamond School.
Xyster: guitarfish. Or surgical tool.
Youngster: some kid who’s inventive though tiny.
Iranian sage Zoroaster, in fine.

L=A=N=G=U=A=G=E Poem (Unpub)

 

 

O     N     C     E

D     A      Y    S 

G     R     O    W

L      E     S     S 

T      H     A     N

L      O     N    G,   

 

W     H     O’    D

M     A      K     E 

T      H     E     M  

E      A     C     H

M     O     R     E  

F      U     L      L

 

N      E    E     D

K      N    O    W 

W     H    A     T

W     O    R     D, 

W     H    A     T 

S      O    N    G 

 

T      H    A     T, 

S      U    N    G,

N      E    T     S 

T      I     M     E

L      E    S     S

N     U     L     L.

A CRT Primer (Unpub)

Whence heroes de yore,
like The Right Stuff's Chuck Yigger…?
Who cheers as the U.S.
files climate's hair trigger…?
Who's praisin’ the Christian
while razin’ the Uigher…?
 
Who black-listed Zero
Mostel ‘n’ Pete Sigger…? 
Who back’d Michelle Bachman
and blog’d "How we dig ‘er!"…?
Who cast bags of ballots
for Palin…? Go figger!
 
Who neighs to his neighbor,
"My gun be w-a-a-ay bigger"…? 
Who drives after drinkin’
way, wa-a-a-ay too much ligger…? 
Who thinks Donald Drumof
has no need of a wigger…? 
 
On steroids, Team USA's
cyclists ride quigger,
though usin’s destroy’d 
more than one Major Ligger,
while boys who know better
still chortle ‘n’ snigger.
 
Who bans marijuana
but puffs a big cigger…?
Who boozes by gallon
and never by jigger…?
Who flaunts G. I. Joe, 
dissin’ Eeyore ‘n’ Tigger…?
 
Who "pooh!"s Mendel's gene work
while callin’ him 'Grigger'…?
Thinks H'waii'ns by spaceship came,
not by out-rigger…?
And who doesn’t think Donald
Drumpf’s The Intrigguer…?
 
Who prefers to defer to
the Founders with vigor,
insistin’ all immigrants
weather the rigor
of Homeland Security's
brutal butt-kigger…?
 
When promises made
to the farm-produce piggers
deserve follow-through,
who are A-one renegers…?
A hint: who's hellbent (nor be
zaggers nor ziggers)…?
 
Whose ancestors came here
ensconced in square-riggers…?
Whose immigrants’ kin support
Anti-Def Liggers…?
I’m quoting just facts, ma’am…
just facts, ma'am, and figgers!

Unidentical Twins, Part I (Unpub)

Oliver and Oliver: 

a Hardy and a dragon.
Remus and/or Remus: 

one’s your uncle, one found Rome.
     Aron (also Aaron): 

one’s O.T. and one’s a Trask.
Bert and Bert: a Muppet…

and a Bobbsey, when he's home.
     Castor and/or Castor: 

one’s a physic; one’s a brother.
Dum and Dumb: a Tweedle...

and a cinematic fuck.
     George and George: the first’s 

a Founding Father; two’s a Weasley.
Huey (also Huey): 

one’s a rocker; one’s a duck.

Understudies (Unpub)

“Ladies and gentlemen, in tonight’s performance of 

“Tintin Tours Tartarus,” the roles of the twin detectives 

Thompson and Thomson will be played by…

 
…Ms. Theda Bara and Mr. Yogi Berra.”
…Mrs. Laura Bush and Mr. August Busch.”
…Ms. Willow Bay and Mr. Turhan Bey.”
…Mme. Marie Curie and Mr. Finlay Currie.”
…Ms. Celia Cruz and Mr. Tom Cruise.”
…Ms. Jeanne Crain and Mr. Hart Crane.”
…Ms. Barbie Doll and Mr. Roald Dahl.”
…Little Miss Echo and Mr. Umberto Eco.”
…Ms. Tina Fey and Mr. Michael Faye.”
…Ms. Nadia Gray and Mr. Zane Grey.”
…Ms. Lena Horne and Mr. Paul Horn.”
…Mr. Harold Ickes and Mr. Dave Hickey.”
…Dick’s sister Jane and Alan Ladd’s Shane.”
…Herr Helmut Kohl and Ms. Natalie Cole.”
…Ms. Lois Lane and Mr. Frankie Laine.”
…Ms. Mary Lamb and Mr. Wifredo Lam.”
…Ms. Vivien Leigh and Mr. Pinky Lee.”
…Ms. Mary Tyler Moore and Othello the Moor.”
…Mr. Louie Nye and Mr. Bill Nighy.”
…Ms. Tatum O’Neal and Mr. Eugene O’Neill.”
…Ms. Kimberley Po and Mr. Edgar Allan Poe.”
…Mr. Anthony Quinn and Ms. Butterfly McQueen.”
…Mr. John Rambo and M. Arthur Rimbaud.”
…Ms. Rene Russo and M. Jean Jacques Rousseau.”
…Ms. Rachel Ray and Mr. Alvino Rey.”
…Ms. Patti Smith and Mr. Ronald Eustace Psmith.”
…Mr. Louis Untermeyer and Mr. Samuel Untermeier “
…Ms. Missouri Vaun and Mr. Stevie Ray Vaughn.”
…Ms. Fay Wray and Mr. Man Ray.”
…Ms. Kelly Winn and Mr. Keenan Wynn.”
…Herr Max Weber and Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber.”
…Ms. Loretta Young and Herr Carl Gustav Jung.”
…Senor Zorro and Mr. George Soros.”