43 Errors in Alphabetical Order inAlphabetical Order

A is for:
'a little' under 'the weather'
'a man' after 'me own heart'
'are you' following 'me'

B is for:
'bassoons sound' lower than 'flutes'

C is for:
'conducting my' post 'mortem'

D is for:
'down' behind 'enemy lines'
'desire' under 'the elms'

E is for:
'eggs' over 'easy'

F is for:
'far' above 'Cuyoga’s waters'

G is for:
'get thee' behind 'me Satin'

H is for:
'H' before 'B-U-T'
'hitting' below 'the belt'

I is for:
'i' before 'e (except after c)'
'it’s right' under 'your nose'
'I’ve got you' under 'my skin'

J is for:
'June is bustin’ out all' over 'all over the meadow and the hill'

K is for:
'Kilimanjaro’s' higher than 'Mount Everest'

L is for:
'lies' just below 'the surface'

M is for:
'mind' over 'matter'
'move' over 'darling'

N is for:
'no one arrives' later than 'George'

O is for:
'one flew' over 'the cuckoo‘s nest'

P is for:
'please sing' on top of 'old smoky'
putting 'one' over 'on Boehner'

Q is for:
'quit' prior to 'getting caught'

R is for:
'relaxing' apres 'ski'
'right' in front of 'my eyes'

S is for:
'she‘s walking' behind 'you'
'shred' ahead of 'lettuce'
'sit' in back of 'the bus'
'starred in' ante 'maim'

T is for:
'the' preceding 'is a paid political announcement'
'thyme' after 'time'
'two years' before 'the mast'

U is for:
'up' above 'the world so high'

V is for:
'van Gogh's' over 'the top'

W is for:
' W thinks he’s' above 'the law'
'well' above 'the speed limit'

X is for:
'Xaviera’s' leading 'man'

Y is for:
'yet wave' o’er 'the land of the free'
'you’re' above 'suspicion'
'you’ve got me' in between 'the devil' and 'the deep blue sea'

Z is for:
'ziggurats found' atop 'underground tombs'

Molecules Not Occuring In Nature: A Periodiotic Table

  
Molecular Anarchy:  No  Mo  



Molecular Brews:  Re  Al   Al  Es

Molecular Bachman:  S  H  Uut   Uup

Molecular Barney Frank:  Ta  K  Es   No  K  Ra  P

  

Molecular Colbert:  S  Te  P  He  N

Molecular Cavities:  Co  Ca  Co  La



Molecular Democracy:  I    V  O  Te



Molecular Extravagance:  O  P  Ra  H

Molecular Elf:  Cl  Au  S



Molecular Fruited Plain:  Am  Er  I  Ca

Molecular Fruit Loop:  La  Dy  Ga  Ga 



Molecular GOP:  Fe  Ar



Molecular Herb:  Ho  P  S



Molecular Isles  Er  In



Molecular John:  B  Ar  Li  Co  Rn



Molecular KKK:  Ni  *  *  Er



Molecular L. A.:  La  La  La  Nd 



Molecular Motown:  W  O  Nd  Er



Molecular Newt:  Li  Ar  Li  Ar

Molecular Nobel:  Dy  No  M  I  Te



Molecular Obama:  Y  Es  He  Ca  N

Molecular Oprah:  W  In  F  Re  Y



Molecular Potus:  Ba  Ra  C  K

Molecular Paradise Regained:  No  Re  Pu  B  Li  Ca  N  S



Molecular Quitter:  Pa  Li  N



Molecular Rathskeller:  C  He  Er  S

Molecular Reverend: Al  S  H  Ar  Pt  O  N



Molecular Standard:  Am  I  B  Lu

Molecular Sultan:  Ba  Be  Ru  Th

Molecular Stockyards  C  H  I  C  Ag  O



Molecular Tijuana:  Si  Si  Se  No  Ra

Molecular Toast:   S   La   In   Te



Molecular U:



Molecular Veritas:  In  V  In  O

Molecular Vibraphone:  H  Am  Pt  O  N



Molecular Walker:  B  Uus  H

Molecular Wall Street: O  C  Cu  P  Y



Molecular X:



Molecular Yardbird:  P  Ar  K  Er



Molecular Zappa:   Mo   Th   Er

31 Statements About A Sans Serif Alphabet: A Constrained List

The twenty six letters: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
The six one-stroke letters: C I J O S U
The three four-stroke letters: E M W
The eight two-stroke letters: D G L P Q T V X
The nine three-stroke letters: A B F H K N R Y Z

1 Only one of the six one-stroke letters [ I ] is made using no curved stroke.

2 Only two of the three four-stroke letters [ M W ] are made using all diagonal strokes.

3 Only three of the 26 letters [ E M W ] are made using four strokes.

4 Only four of the eight two-stroke letters [ D G* Q P ] are made using one straight and one curved stroke.

     * The letter G can be, and is in some fonts, made with two strokes -- a 270-degree curved stroke followed by a short horizontal stroke. The editor regrets that a font employing such a two-stroke G was unavailable for this post. This caveat applies throughout these notes. 

5 Only five of the six one-stroke letters [ J U S C O ] are made using a (partly or fully) curved stroke.

6 Only six of the 26 letters [ I J U S C O ] are made using only one stroke.

7 Only seven of the nine three-stroke letters [ H F N K Y A Z ] are made using no curved strokes.

8 Only eight of the 26 letters [ V T L X P G* Q D ] are made using only two strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

9 Only nine of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R ] are made using only three strokes.

10 Only nine of the 26 letters [ I J U S C O E W M ] are made using either one or four strokes.

11 Only ten of the twelve three- or four-stroke letters [ H F N K Y A Z E M W ] are made using no curved strokes.

12 Only eleven of the 26 letters [ B D G* Q P R J U S C O ] are made using a curved stroke.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

13 Only eleven of the 26 letters [ V T L X D G* Q P E M W ]are made using an even number of strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

14 Only twelve of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R  E M W ] are made using either three or four strokes.

15 Only thirteen of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R D G* Q P ] occupy the left half of the Strokes chart.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

16 Only thirteen of the 26 letters [ V T L X I J U S C O E M W ] occupy the right half of the Strokes chart.

17 Only fourteen of the 26 letters [ D G* Q P V T L X I J U S C O ] are made using either one or two strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

18 Only fifteen of the 26 letters [ H F N K Y A Z V T L X I E M W ] are made using only straight strokes.

19 Only fifteen of the 26 letters [ I J U S C O B H F N K Y A Z R ] are made using an odd number of strokes.

20 Only sixteen of the 26 letters [ I J U S C O V T L X D G* Q P B R ] are made using either one stroke, two strokes, or three strokes employing curves.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

21 Only seventeen of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R D G* Q P V T L X ] are made using either two or three strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

22 Only eighteen of the 26 letters [ B F H N K Y A Z R I J U S C O E M W ] are made using either one, three or four strokes.

23 Only nineteen of the 26 letters [ B D G* Q P R V T L X I J U S C O E M W ] are made avoiding only three straight strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

24 Only twenty of the 26 one-, two or three-stroke letters [ I J U V T L X B H F D N K Y G* Q A Z P R ] use at least one straight stroke.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

25 Only twenty one of the 26 letters [ W E M I V T L X B H F D N K Y G* Q A Z P R ] are not single-curved-stroke letters.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

26 Only twenty two of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R V T L X I J U S C O E W M ] are made avoiding one straight and one curved stroke. 

27 Only twenty three of the 26 letters [ A B C D F G* H I J K L N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z ] are made using fewer than four strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

28 Only twenty four of the 26 letters [ A B C D E F G* H I J K L N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z ] are made using no more than two diagonal strokes.

29 Only twenty five of the 26 letters [ A B C D E F G* H J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z ] are made using only a single straight stroke.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

30 All twenty six of the 26 letters [ A B C D E F G* H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z ] are made using one, two, three or four strokes.

     * See asterisked footnote above.

31 There are a total of 61 strokes -- straight or curved or both -- used in making the 26 letters.

Minnie Misses Her Marx (July 17, 1886): A Constrained Rhyme

Before there was a Herbert Marx (barnstorm your zep, O Herbert Marx!);
before there was a Milton Marx (bedpost your gum, O Milton Marx!);
before there was a Leonard Marx (eyeball your chick, O Leonard Marx!);
before there was an Arthur Marx (restring your harp, O Arthur Marx!);
before there was a Julius Marx (you’re such a grouch, O Julius Marx!);
before all five was Manfred Marx…

Hold!

Tocsins tolled. ‘Twas oh-h-h, so cold. (Was Manfred Marx’s fate foretold?)
Five Marx of silver; one of gold, one soul whose tale’s till now untold.
Day one, young Mannie’s jumping sharks (Min never scolds her Manfred Marx),
tho' Mann's unstrolled through city parks (Min never holds her Manfred Marx).
This tale, tho' droll, of Manfred Marx now’s told. Min weeps as Mann embarks.
Altho' Mann leaves on Min his marks, he leaves for good, does Manfred Marx.
With Pip and Joe he’ll know no larks (misunderstood be Manfred Marx),
nor speed read books of Muriel Spark’s (misunderstood, he: Manfred Marx),
nor hunt, with Lewis Carroll, snarks (misunderstood, wee Manfred Marx),
nor search with Jones for long-lost arks (misunderstood, see…? Manfred Marx).
He’ll split no element’ry quarks; he’ll walk alone through dawns, through darks.
Was ever cold, was Manfred Marx. Was never old, was Manfred Marx. 

Where Are the Marx Siblings? A Constrained Alphabet

      Where’s

AARPo, Biko, Croucho, Drummo, E-e-e-eek!o (christened Echo), Freako…

Geeko, Hyde-‘N’-Sikho, “I'm Uniqu'o,” J'maican Rummo, Keeko…

Leeko, Mozambiq'o, Numbo, “Ouch!”o, Poucho, Quixotico…

Reeko, Sharpo, Twyla Tharpo, Uomo, Jr., V.I.P-po...?

Where is Whippo? Where's Xanthippo? Where is Yummo? Where is Zeeko?*

(Not to mention Manfred,** Groucho, Harpo, Gummo, Zeppo, Chico.)

     * 'Zicko' is routinely substituted for 'Zeeko' here in anticipation
of a matching "short-i" pronunciation of the final line's 'Chico' --
one heard, and apparently preferred, in many quarters.

"Days of Xmas" Pageant Winners

In tenth place...? Piper Spighpin. Just to enter’s been her prayer.
In ninth place...? Lady Stanzing. She’s got something on the mayor.
In eighth place...? Mae d’Zamilkin. Mae's placed ninth the last nine years.
In seventh place...? Those Swanzas women. (Just ignore the jeers!)
In sixth place...? Keysha Layan. Keysha’s such a pretty girl!
In fifth place...? Golde Rinx. She vowed she’d “give the thing a whirl.”
In fourth...? Cal (“Inga”) Bertz: “To be a nominee’s enough,”
remark’d Ms. Bertz. In third...? Fran Chence, who's seen competing in the buff.
In second place...? Ms. Tyrtle Duffs. And now, the env’lope, please…
'Tis Anna Paard! Regina Paertrie! Tied! Your Xmas VIPs!*
   
     * Victors-In-Pageant

13 Future Pop Bands: A Nonsense Alphabet

ABle Was I? Palindromic and twee.
CaDre? Your grandkids will burn their CD.

EFfusion? A foursome less fab, more forlorn. 
GHosts In Machines? Five kazoos, one French Horn. 

I, Jambot? From Ijamsville? Ja! And they’ll jam. 
KLangfarber? Lukewarm about ’em? I am.) 

Mnemosyne’ll play in a Grateful Dead vein.  
OPerabuffa? They'll classic'lly train. 

QuaRe? They'll lose EuroVis ’69
STand Up, Stupid! Pre-pre-teens, though someday they'll shine.  

The Rays? A band formerly known as UV. 
The WaX? they will polish your Tesla -- for free.

San YZidro. This band will be blessed by the Pope.
& there’s bound to be more, so abandon all hope. 

The 12 Dyes of Xmas: A Constrained "Hue"ltide Carol

On the first day of Xmas, I sent a gift to
you…dyed
"Christmas-Without-You-It's-A"
Blue.

On the second day, another gift (you’re dared to put it 
down!)…dyed 
"Let's-Pretend-That-He-Is-Parson"
Brown.

On the third day, a further gift (one gives because one
can)…dyed
"Tannenbaum-O-Tannenbaum"
Tan.

On the fourth day, one more (I pray my verse has not gone
cold…dyed
"Rings-Six-Geese-A-Laying-Five"
Gold.

On the fifth day, more bounty, some from eBay, sight un-
seen…dyed
"Sleeves-And-Who-Else-But-My-Lady"
Green.

On the sixth day of Xmas, (do not open until 
Jan.) a gift dyed
"Claus-I-Saw-Mommy-Kissing"
Xan'a.*

     * Short for 'Xantha,' with its connotation of 'yellow.'

On the seventh -- you'll adore this one (at least I hope you
might) -- …dyed
"Christmas-I-Am-Dreaming-Of-A"
White.

On the eighth, again (I hear you cry: "This guy is quite the 
joker!")…dyed
"-Risthmas-Tree-O-Kristhmus-(sic)-Tree"
Ocher.

On the ninth day, a gift you’ll not, of course, receive a
bill fer…dyed 
"Bells-It's-Xmas-In-The-City"
Silver.

On the tenth day, one dyed by me, right in my kitchen
sink…dyed 
"At-Your-Nose-Jack-Frost-Is-Nip-..."
Pink.

On the eleventh (who inaugurates such nonsense…? No one
knows!)…dyed -- no
lie! -- a "Lo-E'er-Blooming-How-A"
Rose.

On the twelfth day, a final gifting from the Xmas
Fairy…dyed
"Cheeks-Like-Roses-Nose-Like-A"
Cherry.

     And to
all a hurly-burly, never
surly, awf'lly early, rarely
churly, string-o’-pearly, none too
curly, heartfelt, surely, "Very
Merry!"

Drumpf Addresses Macron / Drumpf Undrosses Macron 4/24/18

"Does schmutz attack your shoulder, Mac?
Sit fallen angels there?
Does state responsibility
rest heav-...or do I err?

You've borne, perhaps, a chip? Or straps
from golf club bags which tear?
(Your coif's a jock's: no trims, no locks --
no bigly leader's hair.)

Brigitte vo' cher's been there, mon frere?
What's that, then? Laissez-faire?
(If dwarflings pose upon those shoulders,
that ain't my affair.)

They tell me that you're perfect,
and that my job's to take care
you stay that way. So, for today:
no dandruff may you wear."

Prosopogostichs or Notables Not Unpleasant to Know: Letter A

In his nonsense verse “How pleasant to know Mr. Lear” the popularizer of the limerick makes amusing observations about himself. In the octaves below readers are urged to discover equally intriguing characters who, it’s hoped, will prove just as amusing and, in the end, just as “not unpleasant to know.”

Lives dead Edward* alone in the class
of read letter'd heads pleasant to know...?
Exist eggheads who muster just pass...?
Occur others who "for the gold" go...?
Let's find out! Grab my doggerel glass!
Through it, quirks are eyed amp'd up -- although
it is not my intent to harass:
just to folks' pleasantosity show.

     * Edward Lear (1812-1888) composed
the poem "How Pleasant to Know Mr. Lear."

Not unpleasant to know...? Mr. Abbott.*

Abbott dabbles in** habitats flat.
Beg, steal, borrow Ed's book -- i.e., grab it!
It enjoys elephantine eclat.***
Two dimensions...? Too hard to inhabit:
often, Flatland proves not "where it's at."
(Even pleasant-to-know Abbott Abbott
wonders how Flat’s inhabitants shat.)

     * Edwin Abbott Abbott (1838-1926)

authored the novella Flatland 

     ** Mss showing "babbles of" here elect
to ignore Abbott's quite clear explications
of difficult mathematical concepts.
     *** An eye rhyme.

Also pleasant to know: Mr. Ammons,*

read by Kansans and arch Alabamans.
Ammons’ stanzas, like mantras from shamans,
rescue readers from cultural famines.
Long cold shouldered by lit'rature's Brahmins,
Ammons free-styles upstream. Like spawn'd salmons
is the pleasant-to-know A. R. Ammons.
Lays he wrote play up both: gods and mammons.   

     * A. R. Ammons (1926-2001)

Not unpleasant to know...? Mr. Adams.*

Which is his niche?** 'Tis hitchhiker's guides.
(Though compiled by personums non gratums,
galaxeers,*** when good reads, give good rides.)
Messrs. peripatetic (and madams)
in one five-volume "thrillogy" meet
a most pleasant-to-know Douglas Adams,
coy doyen of the drolly offbeat.

      * Douglas Adams (1952-2001)

      ** By many pronounced 'nitch,'

      ***This portmanteau word refers to

gazetteers of galaxies

Also pleasant to know: Attic Aesop.

Like our Bard, to his fellow Greeks he's scop.
Ev'ry anthropomorph’d beast he sees hop
rates a tale. (Of the fable tree, he's top.)
Still, enough's enough: we to our knees drop
and, with all due respect, these, our pleas, cop
to the pleasant-to-know Poppa Aesop:
"If it’s all same to you, Poppa...ple-e-e-ease stop!"

Not unpleasant to know? Messrs. Amis.*

Junior jots of what's "new," what's "unpleasant,"**
while his dad, christened Kingsley, was famous,
(though in Golders Green Crema** at present).
If we get 'em confus'd, who can blame us?
D’you suppose rhyming’s simple? Well...'tisn't!
Just ask pleasant-to-know Junior Amis
whether 'prescient's a slant rhyme for 'pissant.'

     * Kinglsey Amis (1922-1995) Martin Amis (1949-  )    

     **Martin's subject matter has been characterized

as being of "the new unpleasantness." 

     *** The Golders Green Crematorium, where

elder Amis's ashes currently reside.

Also pleasant to know: Mr. Auster.*

Sits Paul's name atop lots of lit rosters?
Yep, pronounced less like 'Gloucester' than 'Forster,'**
and it’s 'Forster' Paul favors and fosters. 
As to style, he'll, like I'll (but of course), stir
up the pots.*** (He who jots "He's like Frost!" errs,
as does pleasant-to-know Mr. Auster,
when he frowns, "My lit counterfeits Foster's."****)

     * Paul Auster (1947-    ), pronounced by Paul

to rhyme with 'Forster.' (Source: Book Browse /
How to pronounce Paul Auster / "Or ster") 

     ** Among possibilities left unmentioned are

'toaster' and 'oyster.' 

     *** Referenced are various pervasive

postmodern pots (and/or plots).
       **** That's Stephen Foster. Of course, Auster
resembles neither Frost nor Foster, nor is there
a record of Mr. Auster making any such claim. 

Not unpleasant to know? Mr. Allen,*

who shoots one film per year and's called Woody.
Woody must every film cast a pal in,
nor is Hollywood pondering, "Should he?"
when his flicks earn more grinning per gallon
than do E. and J. Coen's**: why would he –
i.e., pleasant-to-know Woody Allen –
cast some hoodlum disguised in a hoodie?

     * Woody Allen (1935-  )  

     ** Fellow filmmakers Ethan and Joel Coen.
Some mss show "even Frank Oz's" here. Others
show "Martin Scorcese's" but they're clearly 
nonsense.

Also pleasant to know: A. Artaud.*

Although some suggest Tony was cruel,**
to that charge I retaliate: "No!
Just a Dadaist's Lord of Misrule."
To his Vitres de son should you go,
you'll discover a lyrical jewel --
and the pleasant to know A. Artaud.
(Then you'll know: Tony's nobody's fool.) 

      * Antonin Artaud (1896-1948)

      ** Artaud famously advocated for

a so-called 'Theatre of Cruelty.'

Not unpleasant...? Louisa May Alcott.

Lou (like Anne, Charl and Emily Bronte)
penn'd no tomes treating Jersey Joe Walcott,
Joe's obsessions (Joe loved three-card Monte)
or Joe's sleep habits -- Joe used a small cot,
not a Hollywood King as did Ponti, 
who's been heard to cry, "Let's to bed, Alcott!
Abudanza, Louisa! Avanti!"

     * Italian film producer Carlo Ponti