Hampdengrams

(Verses and images to come: 

a work in progress.)

HAMPDEN 
DAMP HEN
DAPHNE M. 
MEAN PHD

DAPH 'N’ ME 

H, P, M AND E 

 …AND HEMP 

Bandido's Back

 

Uly Poe's "Damp Hen Days; Or, What Do Hampden People Really Do All Day": A Polylingual Local Lagniappe Ala Richard Scarry

 

  Hampden's Damp Hens: 

    1 Jethro, 

a mononymous local character 

    2 Tamara, 

a mononymous influencer 

    3 Virgil Lanty, 

a police officer 

    4 Boadicea Hopp, 

a liquor store cashier 

    5 Lee Gault-Ender, 

a bank manager 

    6 Reed Hall-Abowditt, 

a journalist 

    7 Yolanda Bonanno, 

a piano teacher 

    8 Barbara "Babs" Boyd, 

a widowed housewife 

    9 Fyvel L'Arme, 

a volunteer fireman 

    10 Beryl O'Phunn, 

an oyster shucker 

    11 Paddy O'Kaykes, 

a pastry baker

    12 X. Leigh Briss, 

a bookseller 

    13 Marian Netz, 

a puppeteer 

    14 Flora LeRaynjer, 

a gardener 

    15 ______________, 

a postal worker 

    16 

a plumber 

    17 

a painter 

    18 

a mime 

    19 

an alcoholic 

    20 

   The Verses:

   Shines mein

lamp on each 

Damp Hen o' 

Hampden.

   (So be 

Hampden ha-

bitués 

known.) 

   What they 

do all day 

really I've 

noodled here 

freely, in 

hopes you their 

foibles con-

done. 

"I, as 

'Kaiser o'

Hampden,' ad-

vise ev'ry 

Damp Hen re: 

what to do, 

how, when 'n' 

why. 

   (Any 

Hampden ja-

moke who can-

not take a 

joke gets from 

Jethro a 

poke in the 

eye.)" 

   Upon 

hearing "Lights...

cam'ra...," en-

dearing Ms 

Tam'ra starts 

tearing: "I

am ruddy 

glum, 

   so these 

tears you see 

flow ain't so 

nearly as

faux nor as

queer if I'd 

low like me  

mum." 

   Virgil 

Lanty's a 

cop, cory-

banting non-

stop -- often 

ranting 'n' 

popping his 

gun. 

   Are you 

Black or His-

panic...? You've 

no need to 

panic: just...

steadily...

headily...

run! 

   Boa-

dicea 

Hopp, head ca- 

shier in a 

shop peddlin' 

beer, never'd

swap that ca- 

reer 

   for some 

vile part-time 

gig. "Ain't my 

style. Can you

dig...?" (After-

while, folks just 

smile 'n' say, 

"Queer!")

   Lee Gault-

Ender's town  

banker; no 

resident's 

ranker. (Gault-

Ender's a 

wanker to 

boot.) 

   Lee be, 

likewise, a 

printer (read 

'Illegal 

minter'), ac-

counting for 

Lee's loads o' 

loot.

   Mr 

Reed Hall-Eb-

bowditt's most  

greedy for 

news. There's, in-

deed, few who 

doubt this dude's 

nose 

   for re-

portin' the 

truth. (Are all 

sorts of un-

couth steps re- 

sorted to...? 

Who the hell 

knows!)

   Ms Yo- 

landa Bo-

nanno, who 

teaches pi-

ano, tells 

students, "You

can over-

come 

   your per-u

formance-day 

fright: Such fear's 

normal, al-

right...?" (Tho' this 

lady, when 

playin,' goes 

numb.)

   Barb'ra 

Boyd, bred as 

"Babs," be em-

ploy'd pickin' 

crabs. (She shucks 

oysters 'n' 

mussels as 

well.)

   Can Babs  

clams also 

shuck...? Sure...plus

surplus, with 

luck, Babs can

then on the 

black market 

sell. 

   Fireman 

Fyvel L'Arme's

hoses (Poe's  

poem pro-

poses) put

out -- without 

doubt -- Hampden's 

fires. 

   But the  

blighters who

tell you he 

lights 'em as 

well...? Do those

schmucks burn in 

hell! (Yep: they're 

liars.)

   This is 

typical 

“Hon” Mrs 

Beryl Lowe-

Phunn, wearin'

hair in a 

pair o' blonde

nests. 

   Dis here

do Hon had 

done back in 

'7-

1 stays un-

muss'd at dead 

husbands' be-

hests. 

   Mr 

Paddy O'-

Kaykes wakes at 

3 a.m., 

bakes beaucoup 

batches o'

cannabis 

cookies, 

   treats he 

vends to fast 

friends. (Paltry 

profits he 

sends to a   

bevy o'

lenders 'n' 

bookies.) 

   X. Lee 

Briss plugs used 

books, farin' 

well, so it 

looks: folks shop

press'd three a-

breast at Lee's 

store. 

   But if 

new books you 

need, my ad-

vice is: pro-

ceed to the 

new Barnes & 

Noble next 

door! 

   (a work in progress)

...And Another Thing...: Also-Rans From MotorKat's Oyster Naming Contest

The Rolls Roysters, 

   a half dozen on the half shell
   featuring the Shadow, the
   Phantom, the Seraph, the
   Corniche, the Ghost and the

   Cloud 

The Helen of Troyster,

   the most beautiful bivalve in the world;

   aka The Hellion of Troyster, the most

   shrewtiful bivalve in the world  

The Hoi Polloister,

   a mollusc for the rest of us 

   aka the People's Choister

The Celebrity Suite,

   featuring the James Joyceter,

   the Siegfried & Royster, the Myrna 

   Loyster, the Superboyster etc.  

   

...And Another Thing...: A Poisson Of Interest --Elon Muskellunge

 

...And Another Thing...: The Mophabet, An Illustrated ABC

(images and texts to come; a work in progress) 

moa   Moab   moan   moat

mob

mocha

modus operandi

moe

Mofango

mogul

mohair

moisturizer

mojo hand

moko

molasses

momentum

Monday

moonshine   Moog

mop

MOQ

moron

Mostel

Mothra

mousse

moving violation

Mowgli

moxie

Moyses

Mozart   mozzarella

...And Another Thing...: On The Contrary

     Lit's not only long;
     it's almost always wrong.

 
April's not the cru'lest month.
(That's gotta be December.)
The quality of mercy's very strain'd, 

if you'll remember.
"To be or not to be...?" 
That's not the question, folks have found,
while I believe that ev'ry man's an island,
pound for pound.

Despite your smiles, I don't have miles to go 

before I sleep.

And a thing of beauty's not a joy forever --

read 'n' weep!

Nor is hope a thing with feathers.

Let me summarize my theme:
No: the world's not too much with us.

Yes: life is an empty dream.

...And Another Thing...: Seven Miniature Four-Panel (3 3/8" By 8" Reducing In Three Folds To 3 3/8" By 2") Faux Exquisite Corpses And Their Respective Sets Of Rhyming Lines With Texts Derived From Puns Based On Homonyms To The Vocable 'Ex/Quis/It(e)/Corpse'

Faux Exquisite Corpse #1: 
Hex/Wiz/Seat/Corpse

Hex: 

Bright Pennsy-Dutch décor. 
Wiz: 

Oz oligarch of yore.
Seat: 

So soft when butts be sore.
Corpse: 

One damn cadaver.

 

Faux Exquisite Corpse #2: 

Hecht's/Whiz/It/Corpse 

Hecht's: 

Defunct department store.
Whiz: 

That ersatz cheese you pour.
It: 

Part Bow,* part Addams lore.**
Corpse: 

Yes, ma'am: cadaver.
     *Clara, the It Girl  
     **The Addams's cousin It.

 

Faux Exquisite Corpse #3: 

Egg/Squeeze/"Sit!"/ Corpse

Egg: 

What comes before the chick. 
Squeeze: 

Sly baseball bunter's trick.
"Sit!": 

Command to Spot or Vic.
Corpse: 

Grand-slam: cadaver.

 

Faux Exquisite Corpse #4: 

Aix/Quiz/Zit/Corpse

Aix: 

The Great Chas* knew it best.
Quiz: 

A small exam; a test.
Zit: 

No adolescent jest.
Corpse: 

press'd ham: cadaver.  
     *I.e., Charlemagne with reference to his palace  

complex at Aachen.

 

Faux Exquisite Corpse #5: 

Haig's/Swiss/Hit/Corpse 

Haig's:

"This stuff belongs to Al."
Swiss: 

Not unlike Emmental.
Hit: 

(But who would shoot a pal...?)
Corpse: 

Lost lamb: cadaver.

Faux Exquisite Corpse #6: 

Aches/Oui!/Sid/Corpse

 
Aches: 

First fruits of one's malaise.
Oui!: 

Like 'si!' but en Francaise. 
Sid: 

From TV's Golden Days.*
Corpse: 

V'et (Nam) cadaver. 
     *Caesar (the comic 

not the emperor)

 

Faux Exquisite Corpse #7: 

X/Wheeze/Zed/Corpse

 
X: 

Abu Kamil's* unknown.
Wheeze: 

How labor'd breathing's shown. 
Zed: 

Initializes 'zone.'
Corpse: 

Go! Scram, cadaver!  
     *A medieval Arabic algebr'ist

...And Another Thing...: Redundant Duchamp, A Dada Do-Over

Astaire Upending 
A Suitcase No. 3.1416