Ladies First! (Unpub)

     George and Gracie. George and Martha.

Jack and Jackie. Steve and Edie. Must the 

guys always get top billing...? Not now!

 
RALPH AND ALICE 
                          ^ AND RALPH
"But of course: who'd not love
to get "sent to the moon"…? 
Why don't you go...
by way of divorce court, you goon!"
 
PORGY AND BESS 
                          ^ AND PORGY
"It's you who've "got plenty
o' nuttin'," eh, Porg…?
Me…? I'm book'd 'board that 'boat
leavin' soon for New Yorg'"!
 
SONNY AND CHER 
                           ^ AND SONNY
"You got raggedy threads
and a descant off-key, neighb,'
but hark to me carefully:
you ain't got me, babe!"
 
ROY AND DALE 
                      ^ AND ROY
"Sure, your trails are happy
(though yours are wa-a-ay bigger).
But what about my trails…?
(Please stop nuzzling Trigger!)"
 
ADAM AND EVE 
                      ^ AND ADAM
"Did I not warn thee:
'Apples shalt prove a mistake!'…?
But thou'll blame this on me, won't thou…?
Thou 'n' thy snake!"
 
KUKLA AND FRAN 
                          ^ AND KUKLA
"Burr's right hand makes Ollie 
one wry raconteur:
deftly handled. But where be Burr's
other hand…? Burr...!!"

HANSEL AND GRETEL 
                               ^ AND HANSEL
"No, I don't like the looks
of that candy house, Hans.
Why…? You've not learn’d to keep 
your sweet tooth in your pants!"
 
OZZIE AND HARRIET 
                              ^ AND OZZIE
"I've got evidence, Oz,
that our near neighbor Thorny
lends too many hands.
In a nutshell…? Thorn's horny!"
 
RICK AND ILSA 
                      ^ AND RICK
"Promis’d you: 'We'll have Paris!'
I surrejoin’d, 'Yippie!' --
misled 'bout your bed-sit
in Paris, Miss'ippi."
  
DICK AND JANE 
                       ^ AND DICK
"Back seats be no longer
this chick's bailiwick!
It’s too tiresome to ever
play 'Jane' to your 'Dick'!"
 
REGIS AND KATHIE LEE 
                                  ^ AND REGIS
"My mirror (I know, Reege:
I’m loathsome to boast!)
still insists I was Talk's hottest -- 
Talk's hautest! -- host."
 
HI AND LOIS 
                   ^ AND HI
"You're mildly jocose,
though you often play’d duncehead.
To true fans of funnies, though,
no Dagwood Bumstead!"
 
MORK AND MINDY 
                          ^ AND MORK
"I mean it: enough 

with the 'na-nu, na-nu,'
you maniacal, rainbow-braced
looney tune, you!"
 
NICK  AND NORA 
                         ^ AND NICK

"Look, Nick: you’ve got DTs!
And Asta wants walkees!!
And I'm a bit 'peevees'!!!”
(And yes, that's litotes.)
 
HAMLET AND OPHELIA 
                                 ^ AND HAMLET
"Enough with the ghosts!
Ban the blood! Dump the guts!
Oh, an' nix that damn complex:
you're drivin' me nuts!"
 
CUPID AND PSYCHE 
                             ^ AND CUPID
"Let me sum up your-'n'-my
psychodynamic for you, Cupid:
mine’s a single super-ego;
yours is surely more a group id."
 
KING AND QUEEN 
                          ^ AND KING
"All your penny-ante card sharps claim 
they trump me. Nonetheless
they always fail to peek behind the throne.
So...anyone for chess…?"

OSSIE AND RUBY 
                         ^ AND OSSIE
"You insist that all the marquees
list our first names alphabetic'lly.
Your obit's misspell'd 'Uzzie.'
(Seems, at last, I'm first...kismetic'lly.)"
 
HARRY AND SALLY 
                           ^ AND HARRY
"As I order'd, you blink'd –
as per u., Your Remissness.
So...what am I havin'...?
That's none o' yer business!"
 
THE CAPTAIN AND TENNILE 
                                        ^ AND THE CAPTAIN
"Of late I've determin'd that second banana's
decidedly not where it's at.
Fella, you may say 'muskrat.' Well, I reply 'shmuskrat!'
(And, by the bye, shitcan that hat!)"
 
SPOCK AND UHURA 
                             ^ AND SPOCK
"Your ears may be spectacular.
You do sport biggish feet.
Still, I don't see me -- alone with you – 
down in your holosuite."
 
ARCHIE AND VERONICA 
                                   ^ AND ARCHIE
"C'est autre chose, Arch.
Oui, there is someone new.
I've been sleepin' with Betty.
Voila: billets-doux!"
 
PETER AND WENDY
                            ^ AND PETER
"Why don't you 'n' your tinklin’ friend
fly on ahead, Pete.
I'm hailin' a hansom
'n' hittin' the bedsheet!"
 
SOCRATES AND XANTHIPPE 
                                        ^ AND SOCRATES
"Your dialogue “On Navel Gazing,”
Soc...? You'd better shop it.
Put some feelers out, assess the breeze...
or, why not simply drop it…?!"
 
JOHN AND YOKO 
                        ^ AND JOHN
"You do it in the road, Bub,
and you do it all alone.
Who the hell d'ya think we are, John...
New Age Darby and Joan...?"

SCOTT AND ZELDA 
                           ^ AND SCOTT
"Say, isn't that a manuscript
you're hiding 'neath your hat...?
Hey, Scotty...didn't I write...?
Why, you kleptobastard: I wrote that!"