Distichs: A Nonsense Alphabet of Unpublished Pairs of Couplets -- Some Rhymed -- Excerpted from Imaginary Poetry

Prelude 

Stichs aren't stones; 

they break no bones. 

Their words, though, may divert you

Acrostichs from "Ante Up!" by Bunk & Tosh

Both you and Auntie PetticoaT, 

Uncle EnriquillO, 

   Need on the double (take a guesS) 

Kick in a bit more REAL dougH. 

Broomstichs from "Dust" by Thom Swiffer 

Tweedle the Sweep, who scrubs smokestacks in Bantry, 

would waltz with his broom 'round my grandmother's pantry. 

   He'd char neighbors' chimneys, enduring their dirt. He 

abided alone. (Tweedle died shy of thirty.) 

Chopstichs from "In a Chinese Workhouse" by Colum May 

Toothpicks, Sino-sages say, 

as whopping chopsticks start their day. 

   But woodworks' loppers, led  astray,  

all parts superfluo'us shave away. 

Dipstichs from "Moyshe Mans the Motor Pool" by Yehuda Teer 

Your crankcase craves a log* of motor oil. 

Flush fluids so your AC won't o'erboil. 

   A hin* or two should lubricate your brakes. 

(A hemi-hin is, maybe, all it takes.) 

   *Logs and hins are Yiddish liquid measures. 

Elastichs from "Stretch!" by Speed O'Banlon 

As ev'ning stretches out against the sky, 

a limo looms, the length of sev'ral Fords. 

   Its chauffeur snaps her bubblegum, while I 

unload my months' supply of bungee cords. 

Fiddlestichs from "Ecphonesis" by E. "Jack" Hoffman 

O

Grandma whispers "Pish!" 

Grandpa gripes "Begorrah!" 

    The aunties add "I wish!" 

while I reply, "The Horrah!" 

Gnostichs from "Godspell 2 1/3" by Jesus of Kalamazoo 

There's Thomasines, Mandaeans, Carpocratians, Simonians, 

Corinthians, Cleobians, Perates and Cerdonians: 

   "There's some things WE know," all insist, "that YOU maroons DON'T  know." 

They then set out delivering a tiresome blow-by-blow. 

Hockeystichs from "On noThin Ice" by Frank 'Li'l Black'  Zamboni as told to Gosta Ryder 

I'll flout the Fates and don used skates 

to brave the dicey ice. 

   But once I do, I pledge to you 

I'll never do so twice. 

Impressionistichs from "Uly's Piano Recital" by Ulysses Poe

My piece debuts with Debussy.

What follows...? M. Ravel, 

   three measures miming E. Satie, 

and Brahms...with none play'd well. 

Joystichs from "Do You Vant Go Blind...?" by Sigfried Freud

Chimps employ 'em, twistin, 'em about. 

Pigs enjoy 'em -- nudge 'em with their snout. 

   Pilots use 'em navigatin' planes. 

Does Drumpf abuse 'em...? Mary Trump explains. 

Knobstichs from "Solidarity Forever" by Mother Jones 

Billy Bob's a blackleg. I shall never marry him. 

James...? A rat fink and a scab. I won't be wed to Jim.. 

Jack's been spotted lickin' boots. How treach'rous can you get...?

And Dick's just cross'd yon picket line: I'll die a bachelorette.

Lipstichs from "Butterflies, Beestings 'n' Botox...Oh, My!" by Don "Nutella"  Versace

Tony Lip drives Cherry; he's the doctor's new chauffeur. 

Libby vexes Brenda, an antagonist to her. 

   Joey Fagan's horn makes The Commitments much more hip. 

And don't forget Durocher: no one's botherin' the Lip. 

Matchstichs from "Den Lille Pige med Svovlstikkerne" by H. Christian Wright

Start from scratch: Paris Match. Orrin Hatch: Booby Hatch! 

Swing it, Satch! One-hand catch. Briar patch...? Not a scratch. 

   Coffee klatsch: bake a batch. Cumberbatch: top-draw'r...? Natch! 

Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Tell me: have we met our match...? 

Nightstichs from "God o' Dance" by Freda Stare 

Crips 'n ' Bloods 'n' police: what's your hurry...? Do the Fly; forget Arthur Murray!

   Irish Jig...? Don't fret! Not to worry: When you've binged...just...stop!

Orgiastichs from "Absurdist-in-Chief" by Anon 

You socialists are hedonists; you communists are, too. 

You're anarchists, abortionists -- 

I've bullied more than few. 

   You're masochists; You're narcissists. You're pessimists as well. 

You're all those "-ist"s I've doubtless miss'd: 

I'll see you lot in hell. 

Popsiclestichs from "Ice Lolly Palooza" by Arthur Freeze 

Whose dream is of a Popsicle a cult'ral meme enjoys. 

Whose dream is of a Creamsicle all lactose dread destroys. 

   Whose dream is of a Fudgsicle a chocoholic be. 

Whose dream is of a Dreamsicle endures redundancy. 

Queuestichs from "Blackball Boogie" by Montana O'Beece

Rack 'em, Fats, and pass that chalk. 

Then watch me masse, bank 'n' baulk. 

   YOU talk some talk; I walk the walk. 

So, settle back; prepare to gawk. 

Rustichs from "The Gift to be Simpleminded" by Manon Knight 

The farmer takes a wife. 

The wife mistakes the child 

   for a single-bottom'd "sulky" plow 

because that gal's beguiled. 

Ì

Swizzlestichs from "Doin' the Chartreuse Swizzle" by Mick Sahl-O'Gist 

Take one-point-five ounces Chartreuse; 

add some lime juice and pineapple juice. 

   Pour it all in a tall Collins glass.

Add crushed ice...and then swizzle en masse...

Thunderstichs from "Make Good Noise" by Cholly Bickerknocker 

Conf'rence playoffs, Sixers versus Knicks. 

Brunson puts up wa-a-ay too many bricks. 

   I'm sittin' courtside. What's it take to fix 

this situation...? Cue them  thundersticks![

Uglistichs from "The New Newfie's Guide" by Acoutsina Smithe-Jones

I heard a band in Newfoundland like none I'd ever known: 

bandoneon, two fiddles -- and the oddest id'ophone: 

   some Frenchmen call it "Chinese hat," some British "jingling Jenny." 

Search wide 'n' far: the chances are 

you'll frug to few...if any.

Voyeuristichs from "I Spy!" by Thomas Pepys 

No matter what you do, 

I'm always watching you. 

   Of course, I'm not a dope: 

I use my telescope. 

Walkingstichs from "On the Wild Side" by Ted Behr

Howe'er you walk, walk sof'ly. 

Always arm yourself with sticks.

   'Cuz it's jungly out there -- awf'lly! --and that jungle's full of ______.* 

   *DIY: ticks, hicks, dicks, spicks, pricks... 

Xanthistichs from "Yoke Book" by Al  Beumann

There's antique fuchsia, android green. 

There's mocha and Morello. 

   Still, look around! Gold hues abound. 

Beyond the sun, what's yellow...?

Yardstichs from "Bob the Bobby" by Robert Burns 

I'm Sgt. Bludgeon, Scotland Yard. 

You see this big baton...? En garde! 

   I've got this stunning taser, too. 

I'd best behave if I were you.

Zapstichs from "Zap Stick" by Senor Sid O'Zenn

You say you don't get outside much...? 

Perhaps you need a cane, a crutch...

   ...an aid to help you in a clutch...

a stun gun -- with a stylish touch...?