KATS IN KAPS: A HIS-S-S-STORY IN PURR-R-R-R-OSE

HERE'S A LIPOGRAM WRAPP'D IN A GRAPHIK NOVELETTE EMBODYING 
AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE SWADDL'D WITHIN A SELEBRATION OF A 
SYMBOLIKAL 69 (THROUGH ITS NUMBER OF KAPTIONS) ARRAY'D 
IN AN ALMOST-ALPHABET UNHANK'D AND ROLL'D INTO ONE 
YARNBALL OF KOSMOLOGIKAL NONSENSE.

A

THE SO-KALL’D “BIG BANGORA” KREATES AN EXPANDING
KATSMOS KOMPOSED OF QUANKITTIES OF SEVERAL ELEMENTS,
INKLUDING KATMIUM, FELINEIUM AND KALIKOMIUM.

THE SO-KALL’D “MILKY WHEY” GENERATES A TINY

KLASS K STAR (KNOWN AS KAY STARR) SIRKLED BY AN 
UNREMARKABLE PLANET KALL’D SKATURN, IN TURN 
SIRKLED BY ITS SO-KALL’D “MEWNS.”

AN ASTROIDAL KATASTROPHE EXTINGUISHES EARLY LIFE

FORMS ON SKATURN, INKLUDING SO-KALL’D “DINAHSHORES.”
KATS’ MULTIPLE LIVES KIKK IN AND THEY SURVIVE.

B 

ONE SURVIVOR IS THE SO-KALL’D “MISSING LYNX,”
LATER RESKUED FROM UP A BIZARRE-LOOKING TREE BY FAMED
PALEOBIOLOGIST DOKTOR JULES “LOUIE-LOUIE” DREIPUSS.

THE EARLY KULTURE OF MESSOPOTABBYA PROVIDES A 

HOME TO THE SO-KALL’D “KATS KRADLE OF KIVETILIZATION.”

EGYPT’S QUEEN KLEOKATRA EREKTS SEVERAL 
SO-KALL’D “PUR-R-R-RAMIDS” WITH HELP FROM HER 
SO-KALL’D “KAT-O’-NINE-TAILS.”

C 

A GREEK LITTER OF SO-KALL’D “NINE MEWSES”
INKLUDES YOWLER, MISS MITTENS, JAMOKA, KAP’N HOOKS,
JEMIMA. RUMPUSS AND OTHER IMPRAKTIKAL KATS.

THE PROPHET MEOWSES REVEALS A PAIR OF SO-KALL’D

“TABBYLETS OF STONE” HE KLAIMS TO HAVE DISKOVER’D
UNDER AN INSENDIARY SHRUB ATOP MT. ERRORWRIT.

NATIVES IN KATHAY INVENT SO-KALL’D “SPAGATTO”

AND “KROQETTES,” DELIKASIES WHITSH THEY SERVE WITH
“A NISE KIANTE” (AKTUALLY A NISE KATAWBA).

D

THE KUNTRY OF KATNIPPON IS DISKOVER’D 
BY NATIVES OF KATHAY EXKURSIONNG NEARBY 
IN SO-KALL’D “KATAMARANS.” 

THE GODDESS HEKITTY ORDERS HERE PAL 
DAEDALUS TO BUILD THE SO-KALL’D “TABBYRINTH” 
TO IMPRISON AN UNRULY TIGERWOODTIK.

THE SO KALL’D “PANTHORA’S LITTERBOX”

OPENS, PROMPTING SKAREDYKATS TO KATERWAUL,
“WHO LET THE KATAKLISMS OUT?”

E

THE SAGE ARISTODDLER KOMPOSES THE LOGIK
TREATISE “KATAGORIAE.” HS PAL SOKRATEASE INVENTS
AND PAKAGES PLAYDOH, A TOY MARKETED TO KITS.

THE SLAVE SPARTAKATZ GETS HIMSELFWELL 
AND TRULY KRUSI-FIX’D ATOP KORINTHIAN KOLUMNS, 
THE SO-KALL’D “KAT-HURT PILLARS.”

THE SAGE KATULLUS PENS HIS “KARMINA KATULLI.”

HIS PAL KATO ENTERS A SO-KALL’D “KAT-ON-TONIK STATE.”

F

THE TSHEWISH PROPHET AND SOON-TO-BE 
DIVINE BEING JESUS H. KATZ IS BORN IN A CHEAP 
LITTERBOX NEAR BETHLEHEM OF TSHEWTOYA.

ON THE ROAD TO DAMASKATS, OSZEALOT

SAWL AKA PAWL INVENTS NEW RELIGION, THE SO-KALL’D
“KATZIANITY,” THUS LETTING THE PROVERBIAL
REVEAL'D RELIGION KAT OUT OF THE BAG.

EARLY KATZIANS, THE SO-KALL’D “KATZEKUMENS,”

HOWL GREGORIAN KANT IN SUBURBAN KAVES KALL’D
KATAKOMBS.

G

IN FAR OFF MEWSO-AMERIKAT, SERPENT DIETY
QUETZALKATL MEWSMORIZES FOLLOWERS BY DANSING
THE ALLEY KAT.

ANG-ORAL EPIK YARNBALL “MEOWULF,” ALONG

WITH MANY OTHER KAT TALES, ARE FINALLY WRITTEN DOWN.
ENTHUSING HIGHSKOOL ENGLISH TEATSHERS.

THE ARABIK PROPHET MOSHORTHAIR INITIATES

MOUSELEM EMPIRE BY GOING ON HIS NOW FAMOUS
HEJIRATION AKA THE KATWALK.

H

ROMANX KONSUL KATSSIODORUS VIEWS
FALL OF ROMANX EMPIRE, WHICH TUMBLE USHERS IN
THE SO-KALL’D “DARK KAGES.”

KATZIANS AND MOUSELEMS WAGE KONTINUAL

WARFARE USING KANNONS, KATAPULTS AND MUSKITTS
IMPORTED FROM KATHAY.

FRANKISH KING KAROLUS (SHOWN WEARING 
ASKAT) HAS HIMSELF KROWN’D THE SO-KALL’D 
“HOLY ROMANX EMPURR-R-R-ROR."

I

THOMAS BEKATT, DROPP’D FROM
KATTERBURY KATHEDRAL KATAFALQUE, UNWISELY (AND
FATALLY) FAILS TO LAND ON HIS FEET.

THE TUSKATTY POET DANTY PUBLISHES

POEM HE KALLS “PURR-R-R-R-R-R-GATORIO” IN 99
SO-KALL’D “KATTOS.”

THE EXPLORER KRISTOFURBALL KOLUMPUSS KLAIMS SO-KALL’D

“MEW WORLD” (DUBB’D “NEUTER’D WORLD” BY KRUSI-FIX’D
NATIVES) FOR BELLA, QUEEN OF SPAYIN.’ (SHOWN OBSERV’D BY
MILLENNIAL E.T.S WHO ARRIVE IN “MEW WORLD”
MILLENNIA EARLIER.)

J

THE NOTORIOUS ALLEY KAT KATSANOVA GRIMALKIN
WRITES OF HIS SEXPLOITS IN HIS BIOGRAPHIKAL TELL-ALL,
THE SO-KALL’D “TOM KAT.”

SYENTS GUY GALILEO THE LION SMITH, AT

URGING OF KATZOLIK POPE, RELUKTANTLY DEKLARES THE SUN
TO BE IN FAKT “A FLAMING YARN BALL.”

PLAYWRIGHT W. SHAKESPURR PENS FAMOUS

LINES: “TABBY OR NOT TABBY, THAT IS THE LASERPOINTER”
AND “ALAS PUR-R-RR YORIK.”

K

THE GERMANX PHILOSOPHER IMMANUEL KATT
WRITES HIS SO-KALL’D “KATEGORIKAL IMPUR-R-RATIVE.”
FEW KATS KARE.

KING LOUIE QATTORZE POPULARIZES JEANS JAKKETS

AND SO-KALL’D “KAT’S PAJAMAS” BEFORE SUKKUMBING
TO RINGWORM IN VERSAILLES KAT BED.

THE FAMED KATSTRATTUM FURRANELLI MAMBO,

RIDIKULED BY MUSIK KRITIKS AS “BUT A KATTERWALLERER,”
GOES OFF HIS FOOD FOR SEVERAL WEEKS.

L

IN HIS NOVEL “TAILS OF TWO KITTIES,”
MISTER DIKKENS PENS FAMOUS LINES, “’TIS A FUR, FUR
BETTER THING I DO…”

NOTED KOMPOSER SORBANIK SHOWPANTHER

WOWS HIS LISTENERS WITH A RENDITION OF “KITTEN
BAKK ON HIS KEYSTER.”

AUTHOR EDGAR ALLEN PURR PENS “THE PUR-R-R-R-LOIN’D
LITTER” AND “THE KATZES FROM AMONTILLADO.”

M

AUTHOR SUERTE DUMAS’S FIKTIONAL KARIKTERS
KATHOS, PURRTHOS AND ARAMOUSE TAKE ON/IN FELLOW
MOUSEKETEER KATT KALLOWAY.

KLEVERLY DISGUISED KONFEDERATE ROBT E. LYNX
ORGANIZES VERY FIRST SO-KALL’D “MARSH ON WASHANTUNG,”

BEKOMMING THAT YEAR’S WWD “MAN OF THE KLOTH.”

PRESIDENT ABE LYNXOLN KAT SKRATSHES “FOUR SKORE AND

NINE LIVES AGO…” ON BAKK OF WHISKAS KAT FOOD LABEL,
THUS KREATING SO-KALL’D “GATTOSBIRG  ADDRESS.”

N

PAINTER DEKLAW’D MEOWNET INVENTS PAINT-BY-NUMBERS
KONSEPT WITH HIS POPULAR “RUIN’D KATHEDRAL.”

JAMES MKNEIL WHISKER FAMOUSLY KALLS HIS PAINTING 
OF ELDERLY FEMALE KAT “WHISKAS MOUSER.”

LONG-FORGATTON AKTOR PORTRAYS SO-KALL’D

“SEKOND TROMBONE” NANKI-POO IN PYWAKKET & TABITHA
OPERETTA “THE MIGATTO.”

O

THE KANINE KATNIPPER BEKOMES IKONOGRAPHIK 
LOGO FOR VIKTOR REKORDS, ILLUSTRATING THE PHRASE 
“HIS MASTER’S VOISE.” (IRONIKALLY, KATNIPPER 
TOTALLY IGNORES HIS MASTERS VOISE.) 

LUKKILY FOR FUTURE JAZZ FANS, SKAT SINGER “SKATKSCHMO”

ARMSTRONG SWITSHES FROM KETTLEDRUM TO KORNET.

PSYKOTIK FRANZ KAFKA WRITES OF SKITSOPHRENIK FELINE

WHO WAKES ONE MORNING AS LEOPARDO DE KATTRIO.

P

KOMPOSER IGOR STRAWINSKY’S ORKESTRAL “RITE OF
SPRINKLE” OPENS IN PURRIS TO KAT KALLS AND KAT FIGHTS.

SILENT MEWVIES MAKE STARS OF OTHERWISE UNKNOWN STRAY

KATS RUDY VALENS, TSHARLIE TSHAPLIN AND W. K. FIELINES.

KOWBOYS BUTSH KASSIDY AND HIS PAL THE SUNDANSE

KIT ARE ASSASSINATED IN SOUTH AMERIKAT BY MEXIKAT
FEDERALES ARMED WITH BADMINTON BIRDIES.

Q

FORMER KUBISM ARTIST PABLO PIKASSO PORTRAYS
GENERALISSIMO FRANKO’S ATTAKK ON INNOSENT SIVILIAN
SEVILLIAN BOVINES AND FELINES.

ROARING TWENTIES INVENTS DANSE KRAZES LIKE

THE BLAKK BOTTOM AND REVITALIZES EARLIER KATSH PHRASES
SUTSH AS “TWENTY-THREE SKIDOO.”

TSHIKAGO MOBKAT AL KATTONE ARRESTED, TRIED,

KONVIKTED AND PUT OUT OF THE HOUSE EVERY NIGHT FOR
TSHEETAHING ON HIS INKOME TAXES.

R

RUDE GERT McSPAYIN’ AND GAL PAL ALISE “BEAT” O’KLASS
KONTINUE TO BEHAVE INSKRUTABBYLY.

KATOONIST AL KAPP INVENTS, DRAFTS AND PUR-R-R-FEKTS

THE KARTOON KAPTION.

KOMMUNIST MEOW TSAY TONGUE LEADS

FELLOW KATS ON FAMEOWS SO-KALL’D “LONG KATWALK.”

S

SKOOLKITTIES LEARN TO READ USING BOOK STARRING
PUFFPOPPA  KITTEN. (BOOK ALSO INKLUDES LESS-IMPORTANT
KARAKTERS – INKLUDING A DOG NAMED SNOOP!)

AMERIKAT KATS ENJOY WORLD’S GREATEST

STANDARD OF LIVING – OR SO THEY ARE KONSTANTLY INFORMED
BY AMERIKAT ADVERTISERS.

MEWVIE KLASSIK “THE WHISKERS OF OCELOTS” FEATURES

KATAKLYSMIK SYKLONE.

T

POLITIKAL KATSH PHRASE “I LIKE IKE” BEKOMES POPULAR.
(SIMILARLY KONSTRUKTED OHRASE “I LIKE DIKK” DOESN’T

KITTY-SHOW HOST KATTAIN KANGAROORAT INSTITUTIONALIZED

FOR KIT ABUSE.

PLAYWRIGHT SAMUEL BEKKATT’S DRAMATIK

KHARAKTERS BEKOME EVERYKATS FOR NEW SO-KALL’D
“AGE OF ANXIEKITTY.”

U

PLAYMATE OF KOMMIE FIDEL KATSTRO ASSASSINATED
BY SO-KALL’D RIGHT-WING “FIT-T-T-T SQUAD.”

SYENTS-FIKTION IKONS KOOK AND SPOOK GO

WHERE NO FELINES HAVE GONE BEFORE: PLANET PROKTO
IN THE FIDO GALAXIE.

GREEK NOVELIST KATZ-IN-SOCKIES PENS

“THE LAST DISTEMPER TANTRUM OF KRISTO,” BASED ON
THE LIFE OF THE FAMOUS SWADDLING ARTIST.

V

JOHNNY (“THE KAT IN BLAKK”) AND TSHEWIN’ KARTER KASH
KONTINUE TO BEHAVE INSKRUTABBYLY.

BY MEANS OF A LITTER-DAY DEUS EX MAKKINA,

AKTOR PLAYING PETER PANTHER IN BROADWAY MUSIKAL OF SAME
NAME APPEARS TO FLY ON STAGE. (WHEN DEVISE MAL-
FUNKTIONS, AKTOR FAILS TO LAND ON FEET.)

SO-KALL’D GREATEST SPORTS FIGIRE OF ALL TIME WILDKAT ALI

BEHAVES INSKRUTABBYLY.

W

MEWVIES ABOUT VAMPIRE KATS REGAIN POPULARITY.
NO ONE KNOWS WHY...OR GIVES A KIT'S KEYSTER.

A PRISON LIFER, THE SO-KALL’D “KATMAN OF ALKATRAZ,”

KEEPS OODLES OF FELINES IN HIS SELL, BUILDING HIS
OWN LITTERBOXES AND WINDING HIS OWN YARNBALLS.
STENTSH SOON REQUIRES KLOSURE OF ISLAND LOKKUP.

PREDIKTABBYLY, THE PLANET OF THE KATS

IGNORES KLIMATE TSHANGE, POPULATION EXPLOSION
AND KOMMON KIVILITY, ENDING NOT WITH
A BANGORA BUT A WHISKER.

Oneirology Larder

Whose dream is of lobsters? He'll buckle to mobsters.
Whose dream is of cheese? She'll be cropp'd at the knees.
Whose dream is of eggs gets prosthetics. (Or pegs.)
Whose dream is of bread? He's smack'd upside the head.
Whose dream is of wine? She'll be pickl'd in brine.
Whose dream is of trout? He gets punch'd in the mout.’
But the dreamers whose dreams are of wedgemussel shells
must prepare for subjection to all sorts of hells.

SoulFege

Dough?
Spondulics, shekels, kraut.
Ray?
He shouted "Wha'd I Say."
Me? 
The bird I’m all about.
Fa?
Third syllable in 'hay.'*
Soul?
It's what a Welk ain't got.
La?
Says 'the' in French…c'est con.
Si?
Says 'oui' in climates hot.
(Thus 
doggerel regurges dough**)
                                               Da capo                                         
     * I.e., as in 'al-fal-fa.'    
     ** I.e., as in 'alfalfa,' gelt, bucks, dinero…

VIPs (Vapid Inept Poetasters): A through M

John Ashcroft? Pamela Anderson? Muhammad Ali? Absolutely not! 

A's for Austed Alfrin, Poet Laureate of Phreex.
About him, in John Dough and Chick the Cherub, Frank Baum speaks.
With bandag’d eye, with halting gait, with pinch’d ‘n’ pallid cheeks,
he lisps his lim'rick'd "sonnets" as he Kinglet's sanctions seeks.

          "The Goddess of Wisdom felt sad;
          And when asked why she whimper’d so bad,
          Said: 'There's one, it is true,
          Who knows more than I do --
          And the Kinglet of Phreex is the lad!" 

Solyman Brown? “Sandy” Burgess? Bryony Butters? By no means! 

B's for Roy V. ("Poetaster") Bensinger. One learns
from Rosalind and Cary (Hildy Johnson, Walter Burns)
how Bensinger (ne Baenziger) for acclamation yearns.
(His desk provides a plot twist 'round which His Girl Friday turns): 

          "...(A)nd all is well, outside his cell
          But in his heart he hears
          The hangman calling, and the gallows falling, 
          And his white-haired mother's tears --..." 

Colley Cibber? Margaret Cavendish? Johnnie Cochran? Certainly not! 

C is for Corday. Claudette Colbert portrays this poet

named Edwina in a film with Jimmy Stewart, don’t you know. It
stars all Seven Deadly Sins – yes, even Sloth (though they don’t show it).
‘Wina’s verse (though we’ve heard worse) we must allow, at best, inchoate. 

          The night will be here when we are gone, 

          Though we are gone, the stars will be here, 

          And other throats will sing in the dawn, 

          It's a wonderful world, my dear.

C's also for Christopher Chubb, so-so bard
who creates Bob McCorkle (nor were it that hard).
Inexplicably, Bob's work trumps Chubb's, it turns out.
(Read My Life as a Fake: see how 'tall comes about.) 

          "Swamps, marshes, borrow-pits and other
          Areas of stagnant water serve
          As breeding grounds..."
          "...I have been bitter with you, my brother,
          Remembering that saying of Lenin when the shadow
          Was already on his face:
          'The emotions are not skilled workers...'"...

Star Trek’s Data? Derek Dufton? Longfellow Deeds? Definitely no! 

D is for Dovetonsils -- given name, Percy --
a Jersey-born lush pushing televised verse, he.
His death -- prematurely -- proved, surely, a mercy. 
Steer clear of this cheeky cigar-smoking Circe.

          "Sometimes I wish I were a dog:
          A boxer or a cocker spaniel
          Or, perhaps, a German Spitz -- 
          Or maybe a chihuahua named Manual."

Laurence Eusden? Nothin' doin'! 

E's for that Hangman call’d Elliot 
who's portray’d by the thespian Miles
who performs in a picture call’d Kind Hearts and Coronets, 
film’d in the Scots British Isles. 
He polishes verse which he reads the condemn’d,
couch'd in formats, the which he compiles
for each dies irae. (Is it unfair to say 
he's distraught with the thought of mistrials?) 

          "My friend, reflect ...
          ...Your Grace, reflect.
          While yet of 
          mortal breath some span,
          however short, is left to thee...
          how brief the total span
          twixt birth and death...
          how long thy coming 
          tenure of eternity.
          Your Grace, prepare... --" 

James Franco? Richard Flecknoe? Nope! 

F is for Foozy, Oop's mate.
His iambic tetram’ters? Third rate.
Where these two the fat chew, tete-a-tete,
sleeping doggerel’s lying in wait. 

          "Really, Oop? What can I say?
          Your kindness blows me clean away!
          I'll read that book with lightning speed,
          so you can have it back to read..." 

(Dey often comes in groups o’ twos, deese 
poor pathetic po’ms o' Foozy’s). 

          "To spread your net
          in the broadest way
          is the very best bet
          I always say." 

Edgar Guest? Grunthos the Flatulent? Gahagan the Rhyming Cop? Never!

G is for Emmeline Grangerford, 
Mark Twain's send-up of Julia Moore. 
She penn’d doggerel rhymes, 
then succumb’d (for her crimes?): 
poor Emm lived some short ten years 'n' four.

          "...No whooping-cough did rack his frame.
          Nor measles drear, with spots;
          Not these impaired the sacred name 
          Of Stephen Dowling Bots. 

          Despised love struck not with woe
          That head of curly knots.
          Nor stomach troubles laid him low,
          Young Stephen Dowling Bots..."

John, Lord Hervey? Hardly! 

H is for Orrin (whose surname is Hatch).
Orrin's "Eight Days of Hanukkah" (b'low note a snatch).
"What a Wonderful World" for affords it no match.
(Nor's the Beehive State's GOP senator Satch.) 

          "Hanukkah
          Oh Hanukkah
          The festival of light
          In Jerusalem
          The oil burned bright
          They lit the menorah
          In that holy place
          What a miracle
          To last eight days..."

I's for Ice man – pseudonym.
There's Ice-T; also Iceberg Slim.
(Ice Cube, as well -- remember him?) 
Each limns hymns dim…simplistic…grim.

       "A child was born in the East one day
        Moved to the West coast after his parents passed away
        Never understood his fascination with rhymes or beats
        In poetry he was considered elite
        Became a young gangster in the streets of L.A.
        Lost connections with his true roots far away
        But no matter the job or crime
        He never lost his hardcore obsession to rhyme...

Jeltz? Jesse Jackson? Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings? No way, Jose! 

J is for Paul Neil Milne Johnstone's depiction,
not Paul Neil Milne Johnstone: the first's but a fiction --
(Inventor? Doug Adams.) -- one leading to friction,
a dustup not due to The Hitchhiker's diction. 

          "The dead swans lay in the stagnant pool.
          They lay. They rotted. They turned
          Around occasionally. 
          Bits of flesh dropped off them from
          Time to time. And sank into the pool's mire.
          They also smelt a great deal.

Dimitry Khvostov? Joe Kitchell? Carlos K Krinklebein? Negative! 

K is for Kilmer – kin christen’d him Joyce.
He intoned in a vapid-as-dishwater voice.
Philolexians, fin'lly, were left with no choice
but to host The Bad Poetry Contest. Rejoice! 

          "I think that I shall never see
          A poem lovely as a tree...
          Poems are made by fools like me, 
          But only God can make a tree.

L is for Luna. Her friends feel she's deep. Her
deplorable poesy pops up in "Sleeper."
The "butterfly/larva" snafu seems to creep her,
as Woody cracks wise about sex and The Reaper.

          "A little boy caught a butterfly
          and said to himself,
          'I must try to understand 
          my life and help others,
          not just mothers and fathers,
          but friends, strangers too, 
          with eyes of blue and lips
          full red and round.'
          But the butterfly
          didn't make a sound...
          for he had turned
          into a caterpillar, 
          by and by."

Julia Moore? James McIntyre (the cheese Poet)? Erin Malley? No dice! 

Will (William Topaz McGonagall)
crowns my prosopographical chronicle.
Was his "Tay Bridge Disaster" ironical?
(Was the noggin concoctin’ it conical?) 

          "...Oh! Ill-fated bridge of the silv'ry Tay.
          I now must conclude my lay
          By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
          That your central girders would not have given way,
          At least many sensible men do say,
          Had they been supported on each side with buttresses
          At least many sensible men confesses,
          For the stronger we our houses do build,
          The less chance we have of being killed." 

("VIPs N through Z" is a work in progress: watch this space.)

Word o' the Week: Asunder

Though ev'ry year the usage of 'aSUNder'
persists in its decline aMONg the verbal,
as archaisms' virTUEs go ignor’d,
WE'D push to advocate for its re'hear'sal.
We thusly do so now – enTHUsiastic'lly --
to trend-thrall'd FRIends who obstinately fail
to use it. Tried, it’s sure to SATisfy.
(Addition’lly, a week unique you'll nail.) 

Writ in Split: a Brief Life

Born in upper New York state,
of cuckoos you're the thane.
Inane
in Lorraine.
So starts the whispering campaign.

Rais’d in northwest Ecuador;
valet to Marshall Tito.
Incognito
in Quito,
you look'd smashing in your Speedo.

Once in Minnesota,
you devour’d my dog's albumin.
Inhuman
in Truman,
you're seen seas'ning Spot with cumin.

In the Urals with young Yuri;
you debauch’d yourself, long-term.
Now infirm
In Perm
you know of none who'd freeze your sperm. 

You’re smoking in the island state. 
Bad hash has turn’d your brain.
You’re insane
in Bahrain
(though your rhymes still entertain).

You reach Missouri’s "Show Me!" state, 
then pass (or so we’ve heard).
Now you’re interr’d
in Byrd.
(Who wrote this obit? It’s absurd.)

A Merry Houellebecq Ecqsmas

Few keep Ecqsmas as houelle as M. 

Houellebecq.

“Jingle Bouelles,” “Silver Bouelles,” First No-

ouelle, “Decq 

(houelle) the Halls,” Little Drummer Boy,”

“Twhouelleve Days of Ecqsmas”: Oy!

Nor does he curse; for his 

“Helle!”...“Hecq!”

You'd Chase Nice Views

You'd chase fun views of northern lights? 
Aurora Borealphabet.
You'd waste one -- two! -- licentious nights? 
Explore a Bacchanalphabet!

An ABC with sage brush in its hair? 
View Chaparralphabet!
An eighteenth-cent'ry-age salonnière? 
You'd tap De Staëlphabet.

Who’d brave an ABC with cheese 
taste tests an Ermanthaalphabet.
Who’d crave a futh of females? He's 
obsess’d! (La Femme Fatal'phabet)

This ABC knows war is hell. Ye gods!
Guadalcanalphabet!
Miss Abie's Seafood Smorgas/Deli? “Mod
Squad” Dahl’s Halalphabet.

Armenian? Cyrillic? Greek?
In Internationalphabet.
Our Montreal Québécois geek 
employs -- enjoys! -- Joualphabet.

Where letters flourish under stress 
one finds Kilopascalphabet.
Where letters nourish one, repress-
ing calories? Lo-calphabet.

Where’s “Para toda mal y para 
toda bien!"? Mezcalphabet.*
This proto-ABC's from way-back-
when: Neanderthalphabet. 
     * The Mezcalphabet roughly
translates its motto thus: "Tis good
when things are goin' great; still 
good when things are not first rate."

Its E's for 'Earp.' Its D's for 'Doc.' 
Its O's? OK Corralphabet.
"Outstanding...and they're mild..." – 'cept up
your nose: the vile Pall Mallphabet.

You favor glyphs o'er runes and letters?
Quetzalcoatlphabet.
You savor stiffs who moon their betters? 
Have a go at Ralphabet!

For barnacles and salps...
and oysters, too? Sublittoralphabet.
South Africans? Alas, there's just
one choice for you: Transvaalphabet.

Type 'h, t, t, p, colon, double slash...' 
Get URLphabet.
If you love tables round and knights who clash,
you’ll love the 'Val'phabet!

Mmm...mmm...an ABC in cans
of Campbell's soup? Warholphabet.
Oh-oh! Another -- in Iran's
"encounter group": Xalaalphabet.

In southern climes, y’all take yer time 'n' all...
to drawl y’all’s Y'allphabet.
An ABC for Jerry, Izzy...all the Zals? 
It’s Zalphabet.

Epidemic (It's Epic) of Ayds

I’ve been afraid to've been array'd
(although faux fears have been allay’d).
At thirteen I was "all the way"'d: 
bouquet'd, buffet'd, bidet’d, betray’d.  

I've been Calais'd. I’ve been Cathay’d.
In Mandalay, café au lait’d.
At luncheon, I was consomme'd --
and, for dessert, was creme brulee'd.

I've been crochet'd. I’ve been croquet’d. 
(God knows we all have been cliche'd.)  
I've been display'd, dismay'd, delay'd -- 
first dossier'd, then "lef' fer dade." 

I've been eBay'd, been "ev'ry day"'d.  
En fin, I've (fin'lly!) been filet'd. 
I've been Green Bay'd, been Jean Genet'd.  
(I've not (yet!) been Doc Holliday'd.) 

In Michigan I’ve been Imlay’d.
In Portugal, I've been Jose'd. 
In Mississippi? KKK'd.
Portray’d, in oils, by Tom Kinkade 

Have I been laid? Once -- by the maid:
she’d smear my vir with marmalade. 
At chez Norais, I’ve been “Nay! Nay!”’d
Nous sommes alles'd – or so they sayd.

I’ve been “ole!”d, though not obey’d.
I pray’d to see The Big Parade.
In grade school I was PBJ’d.
(The principal, one Randy Quaid…

…was spray’d with Raid, Swiss (Miss) chalet’d
and – oui! – touche’d with shiv-sharp spade.
In high school I was tooth decay’d.
In college I went underpaid.

We’ve – you ‘n’ me -- been USA’d
Our unpark’d cars left unvalet’d --
except when we’ve been wedding day’d
Our cells abandon’d, un-x-ray’d.

If those prove squamous, then we’re daid.
“Tis not a prospect to be “Yay!”d.
What we must do, before we fade,
is make a date with Dr Zaid.

Crossbreeds or Diversity: an ABC

How best repopulate our zoo?
Use crossbreed copulation…do!
When critters red seed beasties blue,
each crop dropp’d pops up stronger…nu?
(which makes the planet stronger, too).
Below’s bipartisan review.

An alligator pokes your pony?

All together: allimony!
Baboon blades been beddin’ rabbits?
Badda-bing! Bred: baby babbits.

Cassowaries marry moles?

Check out the potluck cassowoles!
Dingoes diddle dromedaries?
Dropp’d down? Dual dingoebaries.

Efts a-fertilizin’ pheasants?

Each flat’s fill’d with efterveasants.
Fecund fleas philand’rin’ civets?
Freakin’ A: fleabertyjivets!

Gobies all agog for rooks?

Get set for gobs of gob’legooks!
Hedgehog humps anemone?
He brings about hedgemone..

Inchworms infiltratin’ ‘gators?

Itsy-bitsy inchubators.
Jackal-juice-injected fox?
Jeepers! Up jumps jack’l-a-box.

Kudu couplin’ with a tuna?

Krikey! That’s one big kahuna.
Linked: il lamprey e medusa?
Look, Giuseppe! Lampreydusa!

Mister Mack’rel? Meet Ms Loon!

Might we soon greet a mackaroon? 
No narwhal’d nail no nice gazelle?
No way, Jose? Doh! Nar-do-welle!

Orang o’ercomes (oh, my!) a mule…yes?

Oy! Enjoy your orang-jul’yess!
Panda/hormogonium? 
Produced is pandamonium.

Quails co-habbing with some hounds?

Queues of quailifying rhounds!
Ringworms ravish’d by a mole.
Result? A lot of ringmarole.

Safe sex ‘twixt sardine and gorilla

still sets loose some sardsporilla.
Thistlebird ties knot with pig,
throws pigbird…NOT! (Throws thigmajig.)

Unicorn crossbreeds with bear.

Unlikely urchin? Undiewear.
Voles invade Komodo dragons?
Voila tout! New (two!) voleswagons.

Wives a whippoorwill with raptor.

Whelp resulting? Whippoorsnaptor.
Xylophaga espous’d to drone?
X’d out! Or shout, “A xylophrone!”

Your yak has shack’d up with a poodle? 

You’ve a dandy yakeedoodle.

Zobo sleeps with bees and yaks?
Zounds! Stars are born: new zoobeeyaks.

But, marriage or a civil u…

or who wears pink and who wears blue…
or who’s to use the ladies’ loo…
or who’s to say “I do” to who?
Such stuff’s a bunch o’ ballyhoo…
nor is it up to me or you.