augmenting half Alf's partners desk...?
Nope, A be Alfie's amphigory
airbrush'd in Ann's lavatory.
(Also -- view'd through Pink's pink prism --
A's an Attic witticism.)
Might B be Baby's badinage
begun while boxing Bubb's corsage...?
Nope, B be Bubba's balderdash
begat while brushing Babe's mustache...
unless B's baked in Boursin cheese:
in that case, B’s a bald betise.
Might C be Caesar's* calembours
contrived behind closed cellar doors...?
Nope, C be Coca's** coups de plume
concocted in Sid's coke-fill'd room,
except when cow'ring in Sid's ditch:
in that case, C's a carrawitch.
* Sid Caesar ** Imogene Coca
Might D be Dodgson's* dunciad
discover'd in some deacon's pad...?
Nope, D be D'Indy's doubl'-entente
deliver'd dans Drood's Restaurant,
unless D's deem'd cajolery:
in that case D's (duh!) drollery.
* Charles Lutwidge Dodgson
Might E be Edward's escapades
engaged in with three upstairs maids...?
Nope, E be Eddie's equivokes,
whose end line rhymes, "Take heart, Joe Doakes!"
Unless at eight pence to the pound
E's priced. Then, E's an empty sound.
If F's for Fifi's foolishness
fomented from Flo's olive press,
F's not, for fun, her flummeries
(film footage offers summaries),
unless said film be conterfeit:
in that case, F's a flash o' wit.
Might G be "Godot"'s gobbl'ygook
grok'd graven in Gott's grading book...?
Nope, G be Garbo's "gallicisms" --
Greta's anti-Semitisms...(?)
Garnering gefiltefish,
this G's Ed Gorey's gibberish.
Might H be Hugh's hyperbole
hatched mute -- i.e., nonverbally..?
Oh, no, H be Hef's hebetude --
what attitude! -- his hips half nude,
unless Hef's Hoovers halt their raids.
Then, H be Hefner's harl'quinades.
Might I be Idi's "idi-"'-cies
inflicted on Ike's tse-tse’s knees...?
Nope, I be Ireland's Irish bulls --
in Innishfree, they’ve firkinfuls;
still, inside Iceland's bourgeoisie,
there I's an imbecility.
Might J be Jean-Jacques' jabberwockies
jotted down while sipping sakis...?
Nope, J's Joseph's jeu d'esprit --
jejune, like J. J.'s jamboree,
unless Joe's jokes be quid pro quo.
Then, J's jests...? Just junk jeu de mots.
Might K be Keith's kid's kakapoo
as squawk'd (hawk'd...?) through Ken's bass kazoo...?
Nope, K be "Krazee Kinkajou,"
that kids'-show host (KQFU).
And what if K. K. -- kidnapp'd -- dies...?
Then, K be Krazee's kaddish, guys.
Might L be Lisle's light levity
co-linking length with brevity...?
Nope, L be Lulu's lunacy
(illegal in Altoona, si...?)...
unless that L will prove legit:
in that case, L's your lack o' wit.
M maybe mimics merriments
made up by Mali's malcontents...?
Mais non, M's Mommie's mots pour rire
(though neither's music to mine ear),
unless Mom's 'nom de mime' be "Mick."
In that case, M's Ma's monkey trick.
Might N be Norns' nugacity
nuancing one Butch Cassidy...?
Nope, N's a nugae canorae
announced when 'noshing rhubarb pie,
though not when watching "Frasier," see...?
Then, N is Niles' niaiserie.
Ought O be for our oddities
occurring in these ABCs...?
Nope, O's for one obscurum per
obscurius (one can but stare).
(Throughout Ontario today,
Os be for our oui dires, eh...?
Might P be peoples' poppy-cock
(pronounced as "ph'ah'q" in Languedoc)...?
Nope, P be Popi's persiflage
perform'd while "perping" Pip's "massage,"
unless Pop's prattle's rife with surds.
Then, P's a pun -- a play on words.
Might Q be Queequeg's quid pro quo...?
(I'd quite concur if Q said, "No.")
"No, Q be quite the quiddity,"
quoth you, with queer acidity...
unless said quipper fires point-blank.
Then, Q's Quixote's quip 'n' crank."
Are Rs for Ryder's raillery
recounted 'round Red's Whalery...?
Nope, R's for Ringo's repartee.
His "co-Starr" (retrogressively)
is Belle: Rick's arse feels "rather droll."
(Perhaps his R's for rigmarole.)
Is (was...?) Ms Suze's silliness
subscribed to sporting fancy dress...?
Nope, S is Stu's stultiloquence
suggested o'er Soc's stockade fence...
'cept Sunday week: 'Tis Hallowmas!
Then, S shows Salman's sounding brass.
Might T be Trigve's thing'majig
translated whilst Trot trims Trig's wig...?
Not! T be Trot's tomfoolery.
(Trot tripp'd whilst thieving jewelry.)
And if the true thief's less than nimble,
this T's, then, a tinkling cymbal.
Might U be your ultravagance
unleashed while mugging nonchalance...?
No, U be unintelligence
intoned while burning frankincense...
unless you misquote Watson-Crick:
then, U's an urban ledjend (sic).
Might V be Vernon's verbal quirks...?
(He visits 'em on var'ous jerks.)
Vay, no: V's vox et praet'rae ni'l,
voiced softly, 'neath Vin's windowsill.
We've felt, however, V's vibrations.
So-o-o-o...V be vermiculations.
Why's W a waggishness
express'd whilst weeding watercress
when W's more witticism...?
(Mum's the word: no criticism!)
Yet...when whale meat warms Wim's dim sum,
W'd be want o' wisdom.
Might X be texts --"Xanthippe's Tirades,"
ex. grat. -- penn'd by Marxist mermaids...?
Nope, X be xylarity
(though, spelt with 'x,' a rarity)...
unless said X relaxes us:
then, X be my xyphopagus.
Might Y be all that yettering
you've vetted at Sloan-Kettering...?
Yes...No! Y be your yap 'n' yammer
yell'd while editing my grammar.
Yet, if you don't give a darn,
in that case, Y's some navvy's yarn.
Might Z be zazen zanyism
zoned to hone post-modernism...?
No way! Z's Zeke's slow-paced zizz
(though paradox Zeke's zephyr is).
If those zeds bring semantic fits,
then (zounds!)...this Z's for Zasu Pitts!
