Moment of Veritasiness Number 718

"I'm gonna count to ten, by which
time if I've heard nothing from You,
I'll take that as a 'yes.'"

The Placozoa Chronicles, Episode 45: The Song of the Gnome

  Protestor
with Wand

 

    Ep. 45: A Z A P O L O C: As a Poloc

Though a gnome not from Warsaw but Nome,
I speak Polish wherever I roam,
nor one damn do I give: 
in my garden I live
az a Poloc, and call garden home.

Nine Noxious Novels -- Including Their Anagrammatic Opening Lines Which Victorian Author Edward Bulwer-Lytton MIGHT Have Written Instead Of The Opening Line He Actually Wrote To Begin His Novel "Paul Clifford": "It Was A Dark And Stormy Night..." -- or What Was It Really Like That Evening...?

     The 24 Letters

A A A A D D G H I I K M N N O R R S S T T T W Y

     The Opening Lines 

Damn! A kittydog saw rats in H.R.

Do it, Ma! Hang Kid WarttyAss, R.N.!

My dart, nigh to a tan'd-raw kiss

Dirty Dr. Gaat...? Santa knows him.

Martians throw Sky Gin at Dad.

No drawing, St. Mark, at thy dais.

Say, "And swig that drink, Mr. Tao!"

Stand making radar toast...? Why...?

My waist sang "'Ard Rd." -- I think.

It was a dark and stormy night.

     The Titles and Synopses

     1 

Big Ol' Ben and Li'l Rin-Tin-Tigger 

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton. The CEO of a firm in The City employs a pest-fighting

duo consisting of one ex-Scotland Yard sniffer dog and one animal of an entirely

new species -- the laboratory created so-called "caninecat," one part feral feline,

one part British bulldog -- to track down and eradicate an infestation of multiple 

nuisances in his Human Resources Dept. As readers will remember, the London

Times best seller began thus: 

     "'Damn! A kittydog saw rats in H.R...'"

     2 

Outlaw Nurse Practitioners of the Old West: a Memoir

by Judge Dory Beane as told to Edward Bulwer-Lytton: Rough frontier justice as meted out to those guilty of healthcare malpractice was often as swift as it ultimately proved capricious -- especially when delivered by those notorious female judges who wielded their gavels for several hot summers in the territories west-north-west of the Pecos. Who can forget the account's shrill opening lines 

voiced by the Hanging Judgess's empathy-challenged son and acting assistant deputy Donald: 

 

     "'Do it, Ma! Hang Kid WarttyAss, R.N.!...'" 

     3 

The Bowler & the Burnoose or Raidin' 'n' Robbin' With Robin of Arabia 

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton: a reimagining of the history of British adventuring in 

the Mideast by relocating it and its Victorian practitioners to a particularly arid neighborhood within Sherwood Forest. Don't all remember how the novel famously opens...?

     "My dart, nigh to a tan'd-raw kiss..."

     4 

Abortion at the North Pole: A Merry Christmas Mystery 

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton, in which an elderly Mr. Kringle abandons his annual toy distribution philanthropy to open "Back-Alley Babies," an entirely new and (for now) perfectly legal clinical enterprise. The work's well-known opening...? 

     

     "Dirty Dr. Gaat...? Santa knows him...."

     5

Red Planet, Green Men & Pink Elephants 

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton, in which fiendish space invaders, employing their deadly Intoxi-Ray, attack Earth women in general and the narrator's alcoholic father in particular. Few can forget the novel's first words:

     

     "Martians throw Sky Gin at Dad..."

     6

The Godspell Strip: A 'Toon of the Christ 

by Edward Bulwer Lytton, in which the Winged Lion of Alexandria, against all the cautionary urgings of his fellow evangelists, elects to spread not The Word but The Doodle. Chapter one begins thus: 

     "'No drawing, St. Mark, at thy dais...'"

     7

Cheers! Legends from a Limehouse Speakeasy 

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton, in which the female narrator, a former madam and gangster's moll, regales her readers with stories of the drinks and the drunks which to this day support her and her aged mother. Reviewers often quote the 

novel's infamous beginning: 

     "'Say, "And swig that drink, Mr. Tao!"'..."

     8

Bunker Buzz: Hitler's Secret Weapon: The Fact & The Fable

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton...    (a work in progress)

     "Stand making radar toast...? Why...?"

     9

Confessions of a Relapsed Lipo-Suction Junkie

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton...   (a work in progress)

     "'My waist sang "'Ard Rd." -- I think...'"

Runcibl'd Spooner: Lunique in Munique

Protestor
with
Stick

Im München, post 1911,*

knots of artists -- no fewer than seven** --

to Express'onism furnish leaven:

Der Blaue Reiter

     In New Jersey, a Friedman call'd Milton

plumps for markets, though markets be wiltin.'

(Declares Krugman, "Milt's thinking needs tiltin.'")

The Rahwa' Blighter

      Moral:

An aesthetic braved leads to many spurn'd.

     * To let loose a full range of connotation, 

best read as "post one nine eleven..."

     ** I.e., no fewer that Kandinsky, Jawlensky, von Werefkin,

Marc, Klee, Macke and Münter.

Runcibl'd Spooner: Generations Plus Dueling Self Portraits (Oz & PJ)

 

I'm grandad to 

one mottl'd crew, 

and, though my name's been James,

my real John Q's

the weal I do.

(Hark not to hollow claims!)

PapaJim

     Who'd stillness seek 

down Chesapeake

notes programs on her phone

which make less bleak 

her day, her week. 

(This rube's disorder prone.)

Joppa PIM 

     Moral:

Each Old Line creek's 

got hold o' geeks.

  "Ozzy"
by Ozzy

  "PapaJim"
by PapaJim

ConeyGirl Redux: Still More Supreme Courting Nonsense ala "My Pony Boy" (1909)

 Protestor
with Pata

ConeyGirl. 

ConeyGirl's

lingo's pure Sho-

shone skirl.

Few can make 

wave nor wake

of the suds she spouts.

Why's she shy...? 

Why's she lie...?

It's so-o-o-o hard to tell.

Poppycock...run the clock...(justice-mock...? Faux!)

O ConeyGirl!

ConeyGirl.

ConeyGirl.

Stoppen Sie ba-

loney, girl!

(More "Coney-" coming: a work in progress)

ConeyGirl Again: More Supreme Courting Nonsense ala "My Pony Boy"

Protestor
with 
Slingshot

ConeyGirl.

ConeyGirl.
Channeling Saint Joan, HeGirl...?
You must hope,
like some Pope, 

to all heathens doom --
with each rule
thinking you’ll 

let thy kingdom come.
Jesus saves. Free the slaves. (Open graves…? Wo-o-oe!)
No, ConeyGirl!

Oh, ConeyGirl: A Supreme Courting Song

 

 Protestor
with Bomb

    (The verses below are to be sung -- indeed they must be sung for 

best effect -- to the tune of a 1909 popular song, "My Pony Boy.")

ConeyGirl. 

ConeyGirl.

Drumpf adores you, don' he, girl!

Take some heat,

then a seat on our highest court.

Plan, in sum...?

Just keep mum: you'll be soon confirm'd. 

Antonin-Clarence kin! (Bader Gin-...? No-o-o-o!)

Oh, ConeyGirl!

ConeyGirl.

ConeyGirl.

Now you're Mitch's crony, girl.

Precedents...? 

Founders' bents trump 'em -- so you say.

Wade v Roe...? 

Gotta go, as does ACA.

Lexual. Textual. (Sexual...? Who-o-oa!)

Oh, ConeyGirl.

ConeyGirl.

ConeyGirl.

Dems feel you're a phony, girl.

Immigrants

stand no chance. Long gun bearers thrive.

Peopl'of Praise

damn the gays. Where do you come down...?

COVID flays. World malaise. (End of Days...? Doh!!)

Oh, ConeyGirl.

The Placozoa Chronicles: Episode 44: Viral Vixen

Protestor
with Shield 

     Ep. 44: L O A A P O C Z: Lo: a…a…pocz!

There once dwelt a flu-bearing fox

who, while otherwise heterodox,

spread his virus through town.

When the whole town came down,

I, immune, shouted, “Lo: a…a…pocz!”

Breaking News: This Just In

Protestor 
with Whip

On Friday,

October 16th,

at noon Eastern time,

Vice President Mike Pence

announced the appointment

of the newest member of Trump's

White House Corona Virus Task Force:

Dr. Novak Seene.

Runcibl'd Spooner: Little Green Mendacities

Protestor with Spear

What does the extra-terrestrial quip 

as he quenches his troubles...? 'Tis

"E.T. phone home."
What is that lad from Arabia's tip  

as he sharpens his bubbles...? 'Tis
"T.E. hone foam."
     Moral:

To each his '-one.'