Stifle Thy Children! (Unpub)

Admonish all thy anklebiters!
Bridle thy bambinos!
Chaperone thy cherubs!
Dominate thy dwarfarinos!
     Educate thy elvervolker!
Fetter fast thy fidgets!
Ground thy gamins! Guard thy gremlins!
Govern all thy gidgets!
     Hog tie all thy half-pints, then
indenture thy infantae!
Jail thy junior jackanapes!
Kibosh thy kiddies, kan’t ye…?
     Lock up – or down – or in -- thy lambkins!
Muzzle up thy moppets!
Nail thy Nips! O’ersee thy offspring!
Playpen – please – thy poppets!
     Quell thy quints! Rein in thy rugrats!
Silence – sh-h-h-hush! -- thy sucklings!
Tailor-tune thy tadpoles
(lest they turn out ugly ducklings)!
     Unfree thy urchins – urgently!
Thy varmints…? Vit! Vamoose!
Wind down thy whippersnappers –
else each “whipper will” run loose.
     Xenoblast thy xiphomorphs! 
Indeed, yoke all thy young!
Fin’lly…ziplock all thy zysters!
If you do, my rhyme I’ll bung.

Film-Flam (Unpub)

     1939 The Wizard of Oz
It’s Oz: the monkeys soar, the wizards roar.
You’re not, young Dot, in Kansas anymore.
 
     1939 Gone with the Wind
More ante-bellum “wham-bam, thank you, ma’am!”
Quite frankly, Yankees just don’t give a damn.
 
     1941 Citizen Kane
What nonsense! “Rosebud!” signifies a sled…?
To wit, Kane’s lit. “Rosé, Bud!”’s what Kane said.
 
     1942 Casablanca
Though famed for Ilsa’s bid, “Again, Sam! Play it!”
the question bides: did Ilsa even say it…? 
 
     1950 All About Eve
A bitter Bette hits the stairs, takes flight:
“Make fast those belts. This bodes a bumpy night.”
 
     1954 On the Waterfront
Steiger’s Chas “The Gent,” while Cobb’s the jerk.
Mauldin’s priest goads Marlon’s brash Young Turk.
And Saint, god knows, as good as goes berserk.
(But who’s that dude who crows, “Let’s go to work!”…?)
 
     1979 Alien
“Aliens!!” cries poor Sigourney’s team.
(‘Tis space. Out here they cannot hear you scream.)

How Much Farther, Father...? (Unpub)

Fa 

Far  
FYR:
Fare
Farsi
FARC
Fa-Re
Furball
Far out!  
Farflung
Fariends
Fär Elise
Farkin’ A
Fargo, ND
Farfetched
Farsighted
Felicia Farr
Fartypants
Farde Grofe
King Farouk
Islamic fard
Farmerettes
Too far gone
Brett Fa(v)re
Faroe Islands
Far and away
Farmaldehyde
Faraday’s Law
Farley Granger
Farrah Fawcett
Fahrenheit 451
Farro the grain
A bridge too far
Louis Farrakhan
George Farquhar
Farallone Islands
The Far Pavilions
Admiral Farragut
Far be it from me.

La dolce far niente

The Far Next Time
Phar Lap the horse
Faro the card game
“Violets for Your Far”
Faraoh Tutankhamun
Lawrence Farlinghetti
Allen Hoskins’s Farina
Farmington University
The Farmer in the Dell
The Far Hundred Blows
All’s far in love and war.
“Farm follows function.”
“Fareign Correspondent”

“The Faraway Mountain”

Jimmy Nelson’s dog Farfel
“Who would fardels bear?”
A happy land far, far away
L’horrible fardeau du temps
“Once more into the faray…”
“Over the hills and far away” 
Alice Waters’s farm-to-table
Far from the Madding Crowd
“…in a galaxy far, far away…”
“Far score and ten years ago…”
Faramir in “The Lord of the Rings”
The Far Horsemen of the Apocalypse
“Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy”
“The only thing we have to far is far itself.”
You mustn’t yell “Far!” in a crowded theatre.
“Don’t far ‘til you see the whites of their eyes.”
“Send in the Clown”’s “…don’t you love farce…?”
“There are fa(i)ries at the bottom of our garden.”
Fa(r)ther of Modern Chemotherapy Dr. Sidney Farber
“Far at last, far at last, thank God Almighty I’m far at last.”
“It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done…”

 

Lack of Footwear & Other Disgraces (Unpub)

     The cobbler's children without shoes 

is hardly the world's sole calamity.

Arrestees’ angels…? No “adieu”s.

Brewers’ babies boast no brews.
Commandos’ chickadees…? No coups.
Debtors dickenses…? No dues.
Emoters’ enfants…? No “Et tu…?”s.
Flouters’ floor apes…? No “F. U.!”s
Grumeti gremlins grok no gnus.
Hostesses’ heirs…? No “How do!”s.
Iceman’s issue…? No igloos.
Jesters’ juveniles…? No jeuxs.
Klezmers’ kids…? Nope! No kazoos.
Lav sweeps’ lambs lay up no loos.
Milkmen’s moppets mint no “Moo-oo-oo!”s.
Nudges’ nippers nab no “Nu…?”s.
Ooglers’ offspring own no “Oo-oo-ooh!”s.
Pess’mists’ putti pot no “pooh!”s.
Quizkids (Q’s): some As; no Qs.
A rascal’s rug rat rates no ruse.
Sous chefs’ shavers stir no stews.
Touristiques’ toddlers…? No Toulouse.
Uhura’s urchins…? No Urdus.      
Voyeurs’ very young…? No views.
Wu Zaos’ womb fruit win no Wus.      
(e)Xecs xeroxes…? No xus.
Yes-men’s youngun’s…? No “You, too”s.      
Zebus’ zipsters…? Zen…? No: Zeus!

Thirty-Six Views of Mounting Foolishness (Unpub)

     Being 36 Nonsensical Statements 

About One Sans-Serif Alphabet

1. The twenty-six letters are: 

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

2. The six one-stroke letters are: 

C I* J O S U

     * The serifs appearing at top and bottom of 

this letter are inconsistent with the style of this 

sans-serif alphabet and must be disregarded 

in evaluating these statements.      

3. The three four-stroke letters are: 

E M W

4. The eight two-stroke letters are: 

D G L P Q T V X     

5. The nine three-stroke letters are: 

A B F H K N R Y Z        
 
6. Only one of the six one-stroke letters

[ I ]
is made using no curved stroke.
 
7. Only two of the three four-stroke letters
[ M W ]
are made using all diagonal strokes.
 
8. Only three of the 26 letters
[ E M W ]
are made using four strokes.
 
9. Only four of the eight two-stroke letters
[ D G* Q P ]
are made using one straight and one curved stroke.
 
     * The letter G can be, and is in some fonts, 

made with two strokes -- a 270-degree curved 

stroke followed by a short horizontal stroke. 

The editor regrets that a font employing such 

a two-stroke G was unavailable for these views.

This caveat applies throughout the set of 

statements. 
 
10. Only five of the six one-stroke letters
[ J U S C O ] 
are made using a (partly or fully) curved stroke.
 
11. Only six of the 26 letters
[ I J U S C O ] 
are made using only one stroke.
 
12. Only seven of the nine three-stroke letters
[ H F N K Y A Z ]
are made using no curved strokes.
 
13. Only eight of the 26 letters
[ V T L X P G* Q D ]
are made using only two strokes.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
14. Only nine of the 26 letters
[ B H F N K Y A Z R ]
are made using only three strokes.
 
15. Only nine of the 26 letters
[ I J U S C O E W M ]
are made using either one or four strokes.
 
16. Only ten of the twelve three- or four-stroke letters
[ H F N K Y A Z E M W ]
are made using no curved strokes.
 
17. Only eleven of the 26 letters
[ B D G* Q P R J U S C O ]
are made using a curved stroke.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
18. Only eleven of the 26 letters
[ V T L X D G* Q P E M W ]
are made using an even number of strokes.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
19. Only twelve of the 26 letters
[ B H F N K Y A Z R  E M W ]
are made using either three or four strokes.
 
20. Only thirteen of the 26 letters
[ B H F N K Y A Z R D G* Q P ]
occupy the left half of the Strokes chart.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
21. Only thirteen of the 26 letters
[ V T L X I J U S C O E M W ]
occupy the right half of the Strokes chart.
 
22. Only fourteen of the 26 letters
[ D G* Q P V T L X I J U S C O ]
are made using either one or two strokes.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
23. Only fifteen of the 26 letters
[ H F N K Y A Z V T L X I E M W ]
are made using only straight strokes.
 
24. Only fifteen of the 26 letters
[ I J U S C O B H F N K Y A Z R ]
are made using an odd number of strokes.
 
25. Only sixteen of the 26 letters
[ I J U S C O V T L X D G* Q P B R ]
are made using either one stroke, two strokes,
or three strokes employing curves.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
26. Only seventeen of the 26 letters
[ B H F N K Y A Z R D G* Q P V T L X ]
are made using either two or three strokes.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
27. Only eighteen of the 26 letters
[ B F H N K Y A Z R I J U S C O E M W ]
are made using either one, three or four strokes.
 
28. Only nineteen of the 26 letters
[ B D G* Q P R V T L X I J U S C O E M W ]
are made avoiding only three straight strokes.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
29. Only twenty of the 26 one-, two- or three-stroke letters
[ I J U V T L X B H F D N K Y G* Q A Z P R ]
use at least one straight stroke.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
30. Only twenty one of the 26 letters
[ W E M I V T L X B H F D N K Y G* Q A Z P R ]
are not single-curved-stroke letters.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
31. Only twenty two of the 26 letters
[ B H F N K Y A Z R V T L X I J U S C O E W M ]
are made avoiding one straight and one curved stroke. 
 
32.Only twenty three of the 26 letters
[ A B C D F G* H I J K L N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z ]
are made using fewer than four strokes.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
33. Only twenty four of the 26 letters
[ A B C D E F G* H I J K L N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z ]
are made using no more than two diagonal strokes.
 
34. Only twenty five of the 26 letters
[ A B C D E F G* H J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z ]
are made using more than a single straight stroke.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
35. All twenty six of the 26 letters
[ A B C D E F G* H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z ]
are made using one, two, three or four strokes.
 
     * See asterisked footnote above.
 
36. Finally, there are a total of
61 strokes -- straight or curved or both --
used in making the 26 letters.

Super Sushi (Needs finish)

     A poem in progress
 
A recipe in Sanskrit,
found in menus from the Hindu Kushi,
served with papadums, appams and puris:
Tuna Vindalushi.
 
Brunswicks (several) and one Braunschweig
claim the fame of this burgooshi:
rabbit, squirr'l with yellowtail
combine in classic Brunswick Stewshi.
 
Chicken -- cheese'd 'n' octopi'd – 
served Edo-style (chirashizushi) --
i.e., raw, atop a bowl of rice...?
Nice! Chicken Cordon Bleushi.
 
Dry-cured pork hams bundled
in fermented rice...? That's Andalushi!
(Served by sushi maestro Juan E. Cash, 
it's called "A Boy Named Sueshi.")
 
Eggplant -- mashed, then mixed
with olive oil, wasabi, orange juiceshi,
plus a dash of Kirin -- spread on babka rusks:
Babka Ghanoujshi.
 
Far out in the outback,
barbie'd wallaby 'n' kangarooshi's
dipped in sake, then consumed
with chopsticks. Crikey! Didg'ridooshi!
 
Gone for good those golden days 
folks tuned -- and swooned -- to I Love Lushi.
Desi's fave...? Havana rolls –
black beans in kombu: Babalooshi!
 
Having, just last Sunday,
stuff'd your face with Mama's Charlotte Russhi, 
why not feast, for fun, 
on Chocolate Squares Of The Hypotenushi...?
 
"I shall get you," cries, from Oz, 
one wicked witch, "and Toto, tooshi!"
"Honey, don't -- at least, give pause,"
says Dot, ''til you've tried Honeydewshi."
 
Join together claret, pigs' ears,
cocks' combs, sav'ry spice (who knewshi...?),
shoyu, kani kama, saba --
and wasabi rice: Ragoutshi!
 
Kombu, cream, crustacea –
combined in so-called Oyster Stewshi --
at their most ambrosial
when served by sous(shi) chef Belushi.
 
Lard a lay'r o' nougat
with fried tofu. Voila: Charleston Chewshi -- 
served with Jax, the favor'd food
o' Dubya Bushi -- what a douche, he!
 
Madeleines in ocha...?
A La Recherche du Temps Perdushi,
served in demitasse (sans rice)
by sushi master Marcel Proushi.
 
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
 
Whole hogs, slaughtered then well-dress'd
(they do it best in Tuscalooshi):
pit-cooked, grill'd, rotisseried –
you'll love their Southern Barbecueshi.
 
X
Y
Z

Brimming with Snarks (Needs finish)

Lewis Carroll featured twice five characters in his 

"The Hunting of the Snark": a Bellman, a Boots, 

a Bonnet-maker, a Barrister, a Broker, plus a 

Billiard-marker, a Banker, a Beaver, a Baker and 

a Butcher. 

     Once again, a similar set of iso-initialed characters 

embark on what seems a most singular adventure. 

They figure in Poe's new poetic narrative (though this 

time their number isn’t limited to ten: see the list 

following the verses). But, except for that numerical 

characteristic along with several vaguely similar 

treatments of meter and rhyme, resemblances to 

the Carroll classic appear few.

 
“Let's us be of best cheer,” states the brewer of beer.
“’Twould appear we’re all here, safe and sound.”
“Yet don’t cadges remain…?” asks the badger. “Explain
how we’ll wade but evade being drown’d…?”
 
Now the braumeister's blanching; saliva he's stanching.
(Most figure it's fear trigg'ring spittle.)
Then, preserving his cool, he observes, “This here pool…?
Mercy me! Can't you see it’s too little…?”
 
Other souls might agree. But the bowler's less twee.
“Drown gossoons in lagoons no less shallow.”
Here the bagman breaks in. “Brother, where have you been…?
Kids have vim. Kids can swim. You’re too callow.”

As if making an answer, the Sheik's belly-dancer,

seen laying (not playing) aside

pairs of oval-shaped zills, shares, "Too slow grind God's mills.

How'll we know if it's low or high tide...?"

Then the bursar remarks, "I'm quite sure I've seen snarks --

quite a lot -- ply this waterway...nu...?

Whether empty or deep, 'twill not tempt me to leap

feet- or head-first. I dread it. Don't you...?"

The ballet-master, then -- one whose nom de danse, Ben,

is well-known from Bayonne to Benghazi --

speaks six syllables clear: "Bleak and chill be this mere."

(Ben won't wade, 'less he's made to by Stazi.)

From the bluesman, till now, neither "farvel" nor "ciao"

seems forthcoming; just humming 'n' jiving.

Then, in twelve (or so) bars, once he'd shelv'd his guitars,

he gives out with this shout: "I'm for diving!"

The barista agrees. "Slap my wrist if it please,

but I, too'd, also, dude, love to gambol

and cavort in the brine. Watersport is of mine

number one on this fun list. Let's ramble!"

  

(To be continued)

Some Imminent Swimmers: 

Batter, 

Bridgebuilder, Brick-layer, Bridesmaid, Busboy, 

Buffalo soldier, Burger-flipper, Best man, Bench-warmer, 

Bible salesman, Bouncer, Ball boy, Bellhop, Bassist, Bugler, 

Bandit, Basketball player, Brigadier, Butter-and-egg man, 

Basket weaver, Brakeman, Bicyclist, Bill collector, 

Bean counter, Beekeeper, Beefeater, Beggar, Babbit, 

Backdoor man, Bacarat dealer, Badminton player, 

Baedeker editor, Bagman, Banjo picker, Bap maker... 

Dye Stuff or Celebrity Dexters (Unpub)

John McClane dyes hard.
 

Prufrock recognizes voices dyeing with a dyeing fall.

Frederick Austin wrote the standard tune to "The Twelve Dyes of Christmas." 

Worf the Klingon feels today is a good day to dye.
 
Jesus dyes for your sins.
 
Teenage girls think Ian Nelson is to dye for.

Roy Earle has dyed a thousand times.
 
Abe Lincoln dyes at Ford's Theatre.
 
Federico Garcia Lorca dyes in Madrid.
 
Cochise County Cowboys dye with their boots on.
 
Queen Batik was known as Princess Dye.
 
Rupert Brooke dyes in the Great War.
 
Willie Sutton did not dye in prison.
 
Tommy Fawkes dyes on stage.
 
Sky Masterson rolls the dyes.
 
Juliet Capulet dyes for love.
 
Emily Dickinson dyes a bachelorette.
 
Elvis never dyes.
 
Mothers of children with diarrhea must often dye de wash.
 
The Jets live it up and dye in bed.
 
Have I dyed and gone to heaven…?
 
Mitch McConnell should dye of shame.

Magic 8-Ball Varia (Unpub)

     The Twenty Standard 

Magic 8-Ball Answers

Concentrate and ask again. 

Better not tell you now.
Reply hazy; try again. 
Outlook not so good. 
Cannot predict now.
My sources say No. 
You may rely on it. 
Signs point to Yes.
Don't count on it.
It is decidedly so.
Without a doubt.
Ask again later.
As I see it, Yes.
My reply is No.
Very doubtful. 
Yes definitely. 
Outlook good.
It is certain.
Most likely. 
Yes. 

     An ABC’s-Worth of Alternative 

Magic 8-Ball Responses

Ain't it the trut’!
Bob's yer uncle! 
Coitainly! 
Damn Straight! 
Et voila!  
Ferr sherr! 
Granted! 
How true, how true! 
Indubitably! 
Just so! 
Khrist, yes! 
Let's hope so! 
Most likely! 
No bout a doubt it! 
Okie-dokie!
Precisement! 
Quite right! 
RawTHER!
Sho' 'nuf! 
Truly!
Undoubtedly! 
Very much so! 
Without fail! 
'Xactly! 
Yessirreebob! 
'Zot's roight!
 
     Six Magic Dreidel 

Semi-Rabbinical Replies:
 
Vey is mir!
True…nu…?
Nem zick a vaneh!
No way, Hosea!
Nakhamal shfeter!
You bet your bubbe!