Nursery Rhyme Alternate History: Little Miss Muffet

Arachnophobe...? Me...? Nonsense, this!
Though I accept how some may be.
I merely wished to save that miss
(the Muffet girl) from excess ghee.
     I'd seen her scarfing whey and curds,
as sat she on a grassy knoll.
Down I balloon'd and spoke these words:
"Please put aside your spoon and bowl!
     Though curds and whey be wholesome fare,
you need to green things eat each day."
"Don't bug me, bug! I couldn't care..."
said Muffet, "...less," and walk'd away.

Raspberry Screech

Raspberry Screech:
neither Pumpkin nor Peach,
it's ID-able whene'er you hear it.
     Raspberry Screech:
a bizarre form of speech --
but, oh, Jeez: that's no reason to fear it.

     Raspberry Screech: 

many use it to teach,

just as long as the MAGA mugs clear it.

     Raspberry Screech:

many use it to preach

fundamentalist-white-evangelical-right-

charismatic-supremacist spirit.

Nursery Rhyme Backstory: Jack and Jill

Seven daughters and a son
had Captain Basil Brassington.
His heir apparent Jack was named;
some seven sisters Jack proclaim'd.
     First, Sydney (short for 'Saint-Denys'),
then Signe (means 'new victory'),
then Sigrid and Simone, the twins 
(call'd 'Sig 'n' Simo' for their sins).
     Then Silvie and Sigourney (whom

you've seen on TV, I presume),

and, last (nor least) the baby, Jill,

who, with her brother, climb'd that hill.

Echoes of Becker & Fagen

     Alternate verses to Steely Dan's "Reelin' in the Years"

     Verse 1: 

You consume some green things ev'ry day but only those cann'd.

You insist you ♥ humanity but honor Ayn Rand.
You consider Bieber bracin'; you consider Borges bland.
The belles-lettres you label borin' I don't understand.

     Refrain:

          Are you reelin' in the years...

     Verse 2: 

To Jinping you cling; Zelensky you dismiss out-of-hand.

To Fritz Perls you diss (aloud!), preferrin' cloud-cuckoo-land.

To the torch you put those volumes right-wing fascists have bann'd.

The philosophies you favor I don't understand.

     Refrain:

          Are you reelin' in the years...

     Verse 3: 

Offer'd local brews, you choose to use a national brand.

Proffer'd Charleston Chews, your tried-'n'-true's a 100 Grand.

Going swimmin'...? You'll jam-pack the pool with silica sand.

How you manage your decisions I don't understand.

     Refrain:

          Are you reelin' in the years...

     Verse 4: 

You eschew the use of ampersands when typin' your 'and,'

use the dash -- although ellipses are the law of the land.

Caret symbols, curly brackets: won't you please take a stand...?

How you pick your punctuation I don't understand.

     Refrain:

          Are you reelin' in the years...

No Eggceptions

I love fried eggs, but only with sausages.
I love scrambled eggs only with bacon.
If I spot substitutions or patchwork solutions
come breakfast, you'll witness me shaken.

I love poached eggs, but only with scrapple.

I love boiled eggs, but only with ham.

I shall ne'er brook replacements nor, worse yet, defacements --

and eat no eggs plated with Spam.

In Crowd Insiders Flaunt Their Fetishes

Tweedle Dee, twin, looks to raising a din.

A priest of Shaolin books a Holiday Inn.

Marty, with Spin, wagers two bucks to win.

Gen'ral Mike Flynn rages: "Change for a fin...?"

Harlequin chokes on some crocodile skin.

Irving Berlin strokes his chinny-chin-chin.

Ho Chi Minh preys -- with a shit-eatin' grin.

Rin-tin-tin plays on Scott Cao's violin.

Hester Prynne nurses her tonic-less gin.

Sergey Brin curses: "I've shatter'd my shin." 

Lohengrin pauses one brief New York min. 

Twain's Huck Finn jaws, "Is that your cotton gin...?"

Laden, Osamma bin pays for our sins.

Wynn -- i.e., Keenan Wynn -- brays, "West Berlin!"

Ed Wynn pulls into Bonn's lush loony bin.

Anais Nin sins, using plush bowling pins.

Cardinal Sin knows no kith -- and few kin. 

Anthony Quinn blows one mean mandolin.

Calvet, Corinne buys a French mannequin.

Gunga Din lies on his Siamese twin.

Loretta Lynn's wrist's like her waist: wafer thin.

Howard Zinn's fists Howard's dubb'd 'Yang' and 'Yin.'

Tweedle Dum, twin, also raises a din.

(Some verses "fin" [sic] much as they begin.) 

Collaborations (30)

Olive Higgins Prouty, 

Virginia Woolf,

Isak Dinesen

and Earl Baldwin

Now The Voyager Out of Africa Screams 

Erich Fromm,

James Costigan

P. G. Wodehouse 

and Jean Ferris

The Art of Loving Among the Ruins of Chickens' Walnuts

Samuel Fuller,

Ken Kesey,

John Nichols

and Andrea Camilleri

The Big Red One Flew Over the Sterile Cuckoo's Nest of Vipers 

Jonathan Swift,

John Steinbeck,

George Seaton Brandon Thomas

and Patrick Dennis 

Gulliver's Travels with Charley's Auntie Mame 

Lillian Hellman,

Robert E. Sherwood 

and Winston Groom 

Another Part of a Petrified Forrest Gump

Ernest Hemingway,

Jack London 

and Jordon Belfort

The Old Man and the Sea Wolf of Wall Street

Penelope Ashe,

Robert A. Heinlein

and Edgar Rice Burroughs

Naked Came the Stranger in a Strange Land That Time Forgot

Frances Hodgson Burnett,

Jorge Luis Borges

Giorgio Bassani

The Secret Garden of Forking Paths of the Finzi-Continis

John le Carre, 

Peter Hoeg, 

Garrett Frawley & Brian Turner 

and Ernest Hemingway

Smiley Smilla's People's Sense of the Snow Globe of Kilimanjaro

Gore Vidal, 

Clement Clarke Moore 

and Charles Dickens 

A Visit to a Small Planet from Saint Nicholas Nickleby

Compton MacKenzie,

Nathanial Hawthorne

and Paul the Apostle

Sylvia Scarlet's Letter to the Hebrews

Richard Llewellyn, 

the Brothers Grimm 

and Beatrix Potter

How Green Was My Valiant Little Tailor of Gloucester

Ernesto "Che" Guevara, 

Georges Bernanos 

and James Baldwin 

The Motorcycle Diaries of Another Country Priest

Stan Lee & Steve Ditko, 

John Le Carre 

and Stella Gibbons

The Amazing Spider-Man Who Came in From the Cold Comfort Farm

Herge, 

Gunter Grass 

and Walter D. Edmonds

Tintin Drums Along the Mohawk

Salman Rushdie, 

Mark Medoff 

and Christopher Hitchens

Midnight Children of a Lesser God Aren't Great

Arthur Conan Doyle, 

Moore & O'Neill 

and Anita Loos

The Red-Headed League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Will Shakespeare, 

Tennessee Williams 

and Walter Lord 

The Twelfth Night of the Iguana to Remember

E. M. Forster, 

Graham Greene 

and Gore Vidal 

Howard's End of the Catered Affair

Jules Verne, 

Pearl S. Buck 

and W. Somerset Maugham

From the Good Earth to the Moon and Sixpence

Cyril Hume, 

Pierre Boulle 

and Desmond Morris

Forbidden Planet of the Naked Apes

F. Scott Fitzgerald, 

John Milton 

and James Hilton

This Side of Paradise's Lost Horizon

Thomas Hardy, 

Richard Wright 

and Ernest Hemingway

The Return of the Native Son Also Rises 

Alice Walker, 

H. P. Lovecraft 

and Mel Brooks

The Color Purple Out of Spaceballs

Graham Greene, 

Rudyard Kipling and 

Edgar Wallace & Merian C. Cooper

The Third Man Who Would Be King Kong

William Shakespeare, 

Federico Fellini 

and Noel Coward

Romeo and Juliet of the Blithe Spirits

George Victor Martin, 

John Steinbeck 

and Lewis Carroll
Our Vines Have Tender Grapes of Raths

Nevil Shute,

Booth Tarkington 

and Robert Getchell 
A Town Like Alice Adams Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Norman Steinberg & Dennis Palumbo, 

C. J. Koch 

and Pierre Choderlos de Laclos
My Favorite Year of Living Dangerous Liaisons

Kingsley Amis, 

Joseph Conrad 

and J. R. R. Tolkien 

Lucky Lord Jim of the Rings

So Long, Singsong!

We used to live in stylish times,
when ev'ry verse occurr'd with rhymes.
But current bards have barr'd that door.
(Does one hear like sounds anymore...?)

     In stylish times we used to live.

Then, rhyming was determ'native.

Adieu, Jay Z! Ciao, Dr. Seuss!

Auf Wiedersehen, Mother Goose!

"Where's Walrus...?" Lay as Limerick

Si! Sir Sea Lion's likin' his lie-in. 
And they're lyin' who 'llege he's alone.
"Though, lo-'n'-behold!" 

hold Lou 'n' Isolde,
"such be pinniped play in Lyon."

Re: Enough (For Otway, pace Omar)

 

   Fiona Otway, friend of the 

Hampden Bartholomews, is 

assembling graphic items for 

inclusion in a zine she plans 

to publish later this Spring. 

   Otway's chosen theme...? 

Enoughness. 

   At left you'll find one of 

Ulysses Poe's submissions.

50 More AmalgaMates aka JuxtaPoseurs

     Continuous tone b/w pencil portraits are forthcoming.                                   

Dom DeLuise Brooks

   Jonathan Swifty Lazar 

   Mama Cass Elliot Ness 

   Pearl S. Buck Rogers 

   Lin-Manuel Miranda Hart Dyke

   Pope Jean Paul Sartre 

   Sid Caesar Augustus

   Sun Myung Moon Mullins 

   Judith Anderson Cooper 

   Hedy Lamar Odom 

   Zsa Zsa Gabor Szabo 

   Junipero Serra Palin 

   

   Ru Pol Pot 

   

Marcia Gay Talese 

   

Ayn Rand Paul 

Sir Humphrey Davy Crockett 

   

Rainer Maria Callas                                       

Vyvyan Holland Taylor                                                

    

Stan Lorelei Lee 

Paul Klay Thompson 

   

Janus Joplin 

Horus Rumpole 
   

Mahatma Gandy Goose 

Jack Ruby Dee 

Sandra Oh Selznick 

Moshe Dayan Feinstein 

Gypsy Rose Kennedy

Olivia Newton-Minnow 

Eleanor LeBron James

Willie Nelson Mandela 

Norma Desmond Tutu 

Arundhati Roy Orbison 

Edna May Oliver Hardy

George Wallace Simpson 

Martha Raye Charles

Raul Julia Child  

Salvador Dolly Parton

Siddhartha Conan Doyle

Honey Boo Boo Radley 

Julia Louis-Armstrong

Morgan le Fay Wray

Eric the Red Skelton

Ivar the BoneLes Paul
Attila the Hunter Biden

Sitting Bull Connor
Boss Tweedle Dee

Ponce de Leon Trotsky

Riddick Bowe Brummel 

René de la Sally Field

     and

George Herman ("Babe") Ruth Bader Ginsburg