There Are Ys In 'My Eyes' (A Nonsense ABC)

I spy an 'a'...down at the far end of 'our sofa.'

Some spot a second at the bottom of 'the sea.'

One more (a third) appears to occupy the middle of each 'day.'

(One marks the end of every 'era,' b'lieve you me.)



Three 'b's lie sleeping, there, inside each 'baby's crib'...

and on my cousin’s rocking 'zebra,' too, a 'b.'

Some someone thrust -- of all the crust! -- a 'c' in front of Uncle's 'car'...

then added handfuls to Gran's 'chicken cacciatore.' (How bizarre!)

As for the 'c' inside Mum's 'ice,' claims Mum: "'Just tea!"



You need a 'd'? One's near the bottom of 'our garden.'

A silent 'e's tied to the tail-end of 'my kite.'

An 'f,' demure (though opportune, arriving just before high tea),

comes early in each 'afternoon' -- an ancillary point d'appui...

with neither cosy, cup nor spoon -- all too jejune, it seems to me...

(A giant 'G' lurks in the middle of the 'niGht').



An 'h' floats, freestyle, near the middle of 'my bathtub.'

There sits another, wa-a-a-ay up high -- top of the 'heap.'

I spy one 'i' (not four, not five) 'bout halfway down a neighbor's 'drive.'

And -- Ja! -- I've seen that 'J' in front of 'Junior's Jeep.'



Look for a 'k' down at the far end of 'the running track.'

Two 'l's -- lost? -- linger at the far end of 'the hall.'

About those 'l's we've all heard tell lie at the bottom of 'the well'?

Hell's bells! They're there! (An 'm' looms halfway 'cross 'the mall.')



Note well the 'n': one's at the bottom of 'the ocean.'

Next to the last of 'The Mohicans' stands an 'n.'

.Anf...oh!: an 'o' sits in the middle of Aunt Violet's 'viola.'

Oops! I missed one 'n': there's one -- behind 'those men.'



How come a pair of 'p's appears inside 'my apple'?

(One 'p's most prompt, arriving early ev'ry 'Spring.')

And yet, how queer to see a 'q', there in the middle of 'a marquee'...

though an 'r' to start a 'race' seems just the thing.



Some say, "There's 's's at the soul of every 'issue'..."

then shout about one special 's'...back of 'the bus.'

They warn us: "Never drop the 't' from the beginning of 'time'..."

and that a 'u's much like an 's': "Both part of 'us'!"



Then, in 'November' -- on the 3rd -- arrives a 'v.'

Who'll find the 'w' which sits at 'rainbow''s end?

And, pray tell, who has been the someone hiding 'x's in 'Sox boxes'?

(Let's assume -- for now! -- that someone is a friend.)



As for the 'y'? It’s in the middle of my 'eye.'

(One more's midtown -- smack in the middle of 'New York.')

And, fin'lly, 'z's, so good with cheese, sit in the middle of my 'pizza.'

Time to get a life! Come, wife: a knife...a fork!! 

43 Errors in Alphabetical Order in Alphabetical Order

  
A is for:

'a little' under 'the weather'

'a man' after 'me own heart'

'are you' following 'me'



B is for:

'bassoons sound' lower than 'flutes'



C is for:

'conducting my' post 'mortem'



D is for:

'down' behind 'enemy lines'

'desire' under 'the elms'



E is for:

'eggs' over 'easy'



F is for:

'far' above 'Cuyoga’s waters'



G is for:

'get thee' behind 'me Satin'



H is for:

'H' before 'B-U-T'

'hitting' below 'the belt'



I is for:

'i' before 'e (except after c)'

'it’s right' under 'your nose'

'I’ve got you' under 'my skin'



J is for:

'June is bustin’ out all' over 'all over the meadow and the hill'



K is for:

'Kilimanjaro’s' higher than 'Mount Everest'



L is for:

'lies' just below 'the surface'



M is for:

'mind' over 'matter'

'move' over 'darling'



N is for:

'no one arrives' later than 'George'



O is for:

'one flew' over 'the cuckoo‘s nest'



P is for:

'please sing' on top of 'old smoky'

putting 'one' over 'on Boehner'



Q is for:

'quit' prior to 'getting caught'



R is for:

'relaxing' apres 'ski'

'right' in front of 'my eyes'



S is for:

'she‘s walking' behind 'you'

'shred' ahead of 'lettuce'

'sit' in back of 'the bus'

'starred in' ante 'maim'



T is for:

'the' preceding 'is a paid political announcement'

'thyme' after 'time'

'two years' before 'the mast'



U is for:

'up' above 'the world so high'



V is for:

'van Gogh's' over 'the top'



W is for:

' W thinks he’s' above 'the law'

'well' above 'the speed limit'



X is for:

'Xaviera’s' leading 'man'



Y is for:

'yet wave' o’er 'the land of the free'

'you’re' above 'suspicion'

'you’ve got me' in between 'the devil' and 'the deep blue sea'



Z is for:

'ziggurats found' atop 'underground tombs'

40 Molecules Not Occuring in Nature (A Periodiotic Table)

  
Molecular Anarchy:  No  Mo  



Molecular Brews:  Re  Al   Al  Es

Molecular Bachman:  S  H  Uut   Uup

Molecular Barney Frank:  Ta  K  Es   No  K  Ra  P



Molecular Colbert:  S  Te  P  He  N

Molecular Cavities:  Co  Ca  Co  La



Molecular Democracy:  I    V  O  Te



Molecular Extravagance:  O  P  Ra  H

Molecular Elf:  Cl  Au  S



Molecular Fruited Plain:  Am  Er  I  Ca

Molecular Fruit Loop:  La  Dy  Ga  Ga 



Molecular GOP:  Fe  Ar



Molecular Herb:  Ho  P  S



Molecular Isle:  Er  In



Molecular John:  B  Ar  Li  Co  Rn



Molecular KKK:  Ni  *  *  Er



Molecular L. A.:  La  La  La  Nd 



Molecular Motown:  W  O  Nd  Er



Molecular Newt:  Li  Ar  Li  Ar

Molecular Nobel:  Dy  No  M  I  Te



Molecular Obama:  Y  Es  He  Ca  N

Molecular Oprahlence:  W  In  F  Re  Y



Molecular Potus:  Ba  Ra  C  K

Molecular Paradise Regained:  No  Re  Pu  B  Li  Ca  N  S



Molecular Quitter:  Pa  Li  N



Molecular Rathskeller:  C  He  Er  S

Molecular Reverend: Al  S  H  Ar  Pt  O  N



Molecular Standard:  Am  I  B  Lu

Molecular Sultan:  Ba  Be  Ru  Th

Molecular Stockyard:  C  H  I  C  Ag  O



Molecular Tijuana:  Si  Si  Se  No  Ra

Molecular Toast:   S   La   In   Te



Molecular U:



Molecular Veritas:  In  V  In  O

Molecular Vibraphone:  H  Am  Pt  O  N



Molecular Walker:  B  Uus  H

Molecular Wall Street: O  C  Cu  P  Y



Molecular X:



Molecular Yardbird:  P  Ar  K  Er



Molecular Zappa:   Mo   Th   Er

31 Statements Concerning a Sans Serif Alphabet (Nonsense Prose)

Twenty-six letters: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Six one-stroke letters: C I J O S U

Three four-stroke letters: E M W

Eight two-stroke letters: D G L P Q T V X

Nine three-stroke letters: A B F H K N R Y Z

Only one of the six one-stroke letters [ I ]

is made using no curved stroke.



Only two of the three four-stroke letters [ M W ]

are made using all diagonal strokes.



Only three of the 26 letters [ E M W ]

are made using four strokes.



Only four of the eight two-stroke letters [ D G* Q P ]

are made using one straight and one curved stroke.



     * The letter G can be, and is in some fonts, made with two strokes -- a 270-degree curved stroke followed by a short horizontal stroke. The editor regrets that a font employing such a two-stroke G was unavailable for this post. This caveat applies throughout these notes. 



Only five of the six one-stroke letters [ J U S C O ] 

are made using a (partly or fully) curved stroke.



Only six of the 26 letters [ I J U S C O ] 

are made using only one stroke.



Only seven of the nine three-stroke letters [ H F N K Y A Z ]

are made using no curved strokes.



Only eight of the 26 letters [ V T L X P G* Q D ]

are made using only two strokes.



     * See asterisked footnote above.



Only nine of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R ]

are made using only three strokes.



Only nine of the 26 letters [ I J U S C O E W M ]

are made using either one or four strokes.



Only ten of the twelve three- or four-stroke letters [ H F N K Y A Z E M W ]

are made using no curved strokes.



Only eleven of the 26 letters [ B D G* Q P R J U S C O ]

are made using a curved stroke.



     * See asterisked footnote above.



Only eleven of the 26 letters [ V T L X D G* Q P E M W ]

are made using an even number of strokes.



     * See asterisked footnote above.



Only twelve of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R  E M W ]

are made using either three or four strokes.



Only thirteen of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R D G* Q P ]

occupy the left half of the Strokes chart.



     * See asterisked footnote above.



Only thirteen of the 26 letters [ V T L X I J U S C O E M W ]

occupy the right half of the Strokes chart.



Only fourteen of the 26 letters [ D G* Q P V T L X I J U S C O ]

are made using either one or two strokes.



     * See asterisked footnote above.



Only fifteen of the 26 letters [ H F N K Y A Z V T L X I E M W ]

are made using only straight strokes.



Only fifteen of the 26 letters [ I J U S C O B H F N K Y A Z R ]

are made using an odd number of strokes.



Only sixteen of the 26 letters [ I J U S C O V T L X D G* Q P B R ]

are made using either one stroke, two strokes,

or three strokes employing curves.



     * See asterisked footnote above.



Only seventeen of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R D G* Q P V T L X ]

are made using either two or three strokes.



     * See asterisked footnote above.



Only eighteen of the 26 letters [ B F H N K Y A Z R I J U S C O E M W ]

are made using either one, three or four strokes.



Only nineteen of the 26 letters [ B D G* Q P R V T L X I J U S C O E M W ]

are made avoiding only three straight strokes.



     * See asterisked footnote above.



Only twenty of the 26 one-, two or three-stroke letters [ I J U V T L X B H F D N K Y G* Q A Z P R ]

use at least one straight stroke.



     * See asterisked footnote above.



Only twenty one of the 26 letters [ W E M I V T L X B H F D N K Y G* Q A Z P R ]

are not single-curved-stroke letters.



     * See asterisked footnote above.



Only twenty two of the 26 letters [ B H F N K Y A Z R V T L X I J U S C O E W M ]

are made avoiding one straight and one curved stroke. 



Only twenty three of the 26 letters [ A B C D F G* H I J K L N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z ]

are made using fewer than four strokes.



* See asterisked footnote above.



Only twenty four of the 26 letters [ A B C D E F G* H I J K L N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z ]

are made using no more than two diagonal strokes.



Only twenty five of the 26 letters [ A B C D E F G* H J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z ]

are made using only a single straight stroke.



     * See asterisked footnote above.



All twenty six of the 26 letters [ A B C D E F G* H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z ]

are made using one, two, three or four strokes.



     * See asterisked footnote above.



Finally, there are a total of 61 strokes -- straight or curved or both --

used to make the 26 letters.

The Marx Cousins (A Nonsense ABC)

  
AARPo,

Biko,

Croucho,

Drummo,

E-e-e-eek!o (christened Echo),

Freako…



Geeko,

Hyde-‘N’-Sikho,

I'mUniqu'o,

J'maicanRummo,

Keeko…



Leeko,

Mozambiq'o,

Numbo,

Ouch!o,

Poucho,

Quixotico…



Reeko,

Sharpo,

TwylaTharpo,

Uomo, Jr.,

V.I.P-po...



(Wait!

Where's Whippo?

Where's

Xanthippo? Here! So's

Yummo -- yes! -- and

Zeeko!*



(Not to mention

siblings Groucho,

Harpo, Gummo,

Zeppo, Chico.)



     * 'Zicko' is routinely substituted
for 'Zeeko' here, anticipating a matching
"short-i" pronunciation of the final 'Chico' --
one heard, and apparently preferred, 
in many quarters.

13 Flunkees (A Nonsense ABC)

     Abe is

up in the air, sluggish

out of the box, lax when

after the _____ (unlike

NFL _____).

                                                         fox      jocks

     Cedric's

earned your contempt, ever

down in the dumps, not quite

over the _____, (loath to

taking his _____ ).

                                                        humps (mumps?) lumps

     Efrem’s

up to his ears, grazes

outside the fence -- months be-

hind with his _____. (Doesn't

rate your two _____.)

                                                        rents      cents 

     Gerhardt’s

up to no good, ducks the

top of the heap, won't look

after the _____. (All who

read of him _____.)

                                                       sheep      weep

     Ilja

skates on thin ice, never’s

in on the joke – pig-like,

in his own _____. (Someone

fix him: he's _____.)

                                                       poke      broke

     Kyle spends

life on his knees, too far

out on a limb, giving

in to each _____. (Captain

Blue-Sky: that's _____.)

                                                       whim      him

     Manute's

lacking a map, won't a-

bandon the nest, last bloke

in on the _____. (Manute!

Give it a _____!)

                                                        jest      rest

     Opie’s

down – I’d say

"out" -- well be-

yond the perim-  iter..

nearing his _____  it. (We

all feel for _____.)

                                                       lim-      him

     Quark keeps

on the QT -- never's

off to the races, ain’t

up to the _____: the

saddest of _____.)

                                                      pace – his!      cases 

     Steve lives

under a spell, always

over the top. Self es-

teem? Not a _____. (Doesn’t 

fail as a _____!)

                                                      drop      flop

     Uve’s

down the "up" stair, doesn’t

lower his voice. Options?

None that are _____. (In breefe:

note very _____.)*                          choice      noice                                                                                        

     Waxman’s

kept under wraps. He's (with-

out the "X" factor) tossed

under the _____. (His

wife? Friends bush-_____.)

                                                     tractor      -whacked her

     Yazzer’s

"back of the yards," too far

out of the zone, well be-

yond reach by _____. (Someone!

Throw Yaz a _____!)

                                                    phone      bone

13 Rock Bands of the Future (A Nonsense ABC)

  
ABle Was I?

Palindromic and twee.

CaDre?

Your children will spurn their CD.


EFfusion?

A foursome less fab, more forlorn. 

GHosts In Machines?

Five kazoos, one French Horn. 


I, Jambot?

From Ijamsville? Ja! And they’ll jam. 

KLangfarber?

Lukewarm about ’em I am.) 


Mnemosyne’ll

play in a Grateful Dead vein.  

OPerabuffa

will classic'lly train. 


QuaRe? 

They'll lose EuroVis ’69

STand Up, Stupid! 

Pre-pre-teens...greatgrandkids of mine.  


The Rays? 

A band formerly known as UV. 

The WaX?

Yes, they’ll polish your Tesla – for free. 


San YZidro.

The first rockers blessed by a pope.

(And there’s bound to be more.

So abandon all hope.)