Other Babies, Other 'Board's

Infant executes difficult move on half pipe during regional skateboard com  petition
BABY ON BOARD

Toddler shouts “Stock options for everybody!” during recess in emergency shareholders’ meeting
BABY ON BOARD

Small child guards NBA Houston Rocket James Hardin, effectively sabotaging the future Hall-of-Famer's triple double
BABY ON “BEARD”

Scholar/cherub delivers penetrating lectures on every third sonnet of William Shakespeare
BABY ON BARD

Newborn challenges braggart Admiral's questionable claim to have reached North Pole ahead of all other explorers

BABY ON BYRD 

Nipper attempts (unsuccessfully, of course) to prevent former NBA all-star Larry Legend's drive to hoop

BABY ON BIRD 

Preemie slanders black civil rights activist Rustin for that legend’s gay lifestyle

BABY ON BAYARD 

Suckling makes nuisance of self after chugging entire contents of older sibling’s six pack 

BABY ON BUD 

Papoose makes nuisance of self after smoking party-squaw mom's leftover joint

BABY ON BUD 

Toddler performs increasingly difficult series of rope tricks while riding bareback a pair of wild piglets

BABY ON BOAR 

Red-capped child clambers aboard novice politician Donald’s shoulders at yet another Drumpf rally 

BABY ON BOOR 

Brainy bambino challenges quantum theories of Nobel-winning Danish physicist
BABY ON BOHR 

Youngster identifies large body of water in neighboring Canada and immediately claims it for U.S.

BAY BEYOND BORDER 

African-American newborn cyclist insists infant girlfriend ride seated just behind him:

BABE! BE ON BOARD!

Seriously under-age sommelier discusses floral characteristics of a favorite vintage

BABY ON BORDEAUX 

Angry bairn attacks actor Pitt for refusing to adopt himself and his twin sister

BABY ON BRAD 

Medievalist dumpling ignores judge's anti-stalking order and attacks former girlfriend with rattle
BABY ON BURD 

Kid film maker releases feature exposing unusual Mesopotamian sex practices among younger set

"BABYLON, BARED"

Precocious child discusses its role in the birth of large litter of kittens in neighbor's window well

BABY ON BROOD 

Little angel disses once provocative (and now deceased) TV chef

BABY ON BOURDAIN 

Kid explores Nordic ancestors with the help of "Finding Your Roots" host Henry Louis "Skip" Gates

BABY JAN BJORD 

Toddler discovered wearing provocative diaper plying world’s oldest profession in New Orleans red light district 

BABY IN BORDELLO 

In series of TV spots, child invokes names of creamery spokes icons, including Elsie the Cow

BABY ON BORDEN'S 

Kid frolics atop mostly nude body of aging former French starlet between takes for her biopic

BABY ON BARDOT 

Toddler mounts one-"man" production of Broadway's musical nod to Elvis's military induction

BABY ON "BIRDIE" 

Child's hotel on particular property helps him dominate kindergarten Monopoly competition

BABY ON BOARDWALK 

Rug rat wins culinary contest with "borrowed" New Orleans recipe

BABY ON BORDELAISE 

Is poet Brendan snockered again or are his shuttered eyelids merely indicative of disinterest?
B. BEHAN, BORED 

We're sorry: that model of IKEA's easy-to-assemble toddler's highchair is available only in blonde. 
BÄÝBEE JAANBØRР

On his new CD, Rapper Ice 2 1/2 kvetches over girlfriend's lack of breadth across buttocks
BOO-TEE? UN-BROAD!

Unlikely Last-Minute Theatre Performance Substitutions

“Ladies and gentlemen, in tonight’s performance
the roles of Thompson and Thomson will be played by... 

...Ms. Emma Thompson and Mr. Fred Thompson."
...Ms. Sada Thompson and Mr. Virgil Thomson."
...Miss Kay Thompson and Mr. Hunter S. Thompson."
...Ms. Tori Amos and Mr. Kingsley Amis." 
…Ms. Theda Bara and Mr. Yogi Berra.”
…Mrs. Laura Bush and Mr. August Busch.”
…Mr. Kermit the Frog and Mr. Phileas Fogg." 
…Ms. Willow Bay and Mr. Turhan Bey.”
…Mme. Marie Curie and Mr. Finlay Currie.”
…Ms Celia Cruz and Mr Tom Cruise.” 
…Ms Jeanne Crain and Mr Hart Crane.”
…Ms Barbie Doll and Mr Roald Dahl.”
…Little Miss Echo and Mr Umberto Eco.”
…Ms Tina Fey and Mr Michael Faye.”
…Ms Nadia Gray and Mr Zane Grey.”
…Ms Lena Horne and Mr. Alfred Aloisius "Trader" Horn.”
…Mr Harold Ickes and Mr Dave Hickey
…Brother Dick’s sister Jane and Alan Ladd as Shane.”
…Herr Helmut Kohl and Mr. Nat "King" Cole.”
…Ms Lois Lane and Mr Frankie Laine.”
…Ms Mary Lamb and Mr Wifredo Lam.”
…Ms Vivien Leigh and Mr Pinky Lee.”
…Ms Mary Tyler Moore and Sir Thomas More.”
…Mr Louie Nye and Mr Teddy Nigh.”
…Ms Tatum O’Neal and Mr Eugene O’Neill.”
…Mr Li T'ai-po and Mr Edgar Allan Poe.”
…Mr Anthony Quinn and Ms Butterfly McQueen.”
…Mr John Rambo and Mr Arthur Rimbaud.”
…Ms Rene Russo and M Jean Jacques Rousseau.”
…Ms Rachel Ray and Mr Alvino Rey.”
…Ms Patti Smith and Mr Ronald Eustace Psmith.”
…Ms. Fay Wray and Mr. Man Ray.”
…Herr Max Weber and Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber.”
…Ms. Loretta Young and Herr Carl Gustav Jung.”
...Senor El Zorro and Mr. George Soros.”


(Curtain)

The Drumpf Administration: a Reimagination Based on The Chronicles of Narnia

(The Chronic Ills of Donnia: a Series of Seven Fantasy Novels by C. S. Lewis reimagined in the Fantasy Age of Drumpf)

"The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" becomes 
"The Lyin’est Shits in the War Room"

"Prince Caspian" becomes
"Putin’s Prints? All Over the Caspian"

"The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" becomes 
"Bon Voyage, Don, You Traitor!" 

"The Silver Throne" becomes 
"The Golden Toilet"

"The Horse and His Boy" becomes 
"The Whoreson’s Hands? Like Boys’”

“The Magician’s Nephew” becomes
“Mnuchin’s Deaf…Nu?”

"The Last Battle" becomes
“The Bastards Waddle...and Brattle... and Prattle...and Tattle...and...”

Sofa Size Paintings Ranked

# 10 Jan van Eyck's
Giovanni Arnolfini and His Bride's Divan 

# 9 Pierre-Auguste Renoir's
Le Dejeuner des Davenport

# 8 Egon Schiele's
Death und der Chesterfield

# 7 Georges Seurat's
Sunday Afternoon a de la Grande Chaise Longue

# 6 Vincent van Gogh's
Starry Starry Sectional 

# 5 Rembrandt van Rijn’s
Balshazzar's Loveseat 

# 4 Paolo Uccello's
San Giorgio e il Daybed

# 3 Henri Rousseau's
The Hungry Lion Throws Itself on the Settee 

# 2 Pablo Picasso's
Guernicouch

#1 Leonardo da Vinci's
Sofa Lisa

Study in Self Reference

  
                 The self-referring...

...Old Testament theologian: Isaiah-Lot of Babel 

...black-ink artist law-suit defendant: So Su Me E   

...pop culture one-hit wonder: Flash N. DePann   

...Civil War reenactment Rhett Butler impersonator: Frank Lee Meideere    

...mafia enforcer: Arthur E. Cantry-Fewse 

...New York waterfront longshoreman: Ike Hood-O'Haddklasse  

...Greta Garbo fan-club recording secretary: Ivan "Toobie" Hull-Owen 

...religious zealot: Theo Lodge-Hickle  

...French national "M Congeniality" contest runner-up: Merce E. Beaucoup  

...all-around sonofabitch: Upton O'Goode  

...amateur psychologist: Itzak ("Ray") Zeevoilt  

...novelty floorlamp manufacturer's rep: Major O. Ward  

...failed eighteen-wheeler operator: Asa Lee ("Pat") deWiel

…sub-Saharan real-estate developer: Barron Wasteland 

Paying Him To Go

Dump The Drumpf? That goes sans say.'
But deed Drumpf dough to go away?
Each man, each child, each woman would
who fathoms what for all’d be good!

Which voter 'cross the USA
would NOT dump Donald...doo-dah-day? 
Each patriot could rave, "I gave
to save the homeland from that knave."

Each citizen should send a buck
to silence Daffy Donald Duck.
I'll send a buck. Hell: I'll send two.
I’ll send a sawbuck! Woudn't you?

Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue The Rhym'd Playbill

The Players

Fred Trump as “Forebear”   

Donald Drumpf as “Herr Hair”   

Ivanka Drumpf as “Mein Heir”     

Barron Drumpf as “Day Care” 

Melania Drumpf as “Au Pair” 

Donald, Jr. as “Nowhere?”

Eric Drumpf as “Blank Stare” 

Steve Bannon as “B. Ware”   

Vladimir Putin as “Pu’ Bear”     

Bibi Netanyahu as “B’nai Br’er”  

Theresa May as “Not Blair”   

Sean Spicer as “Round/Square”

Sarah Huckabee-Sanders as “Mascare’”   

Kellyanne Conway as “Ma Mere”

Hope Hicks as “Big Hair”   

Rob Goldstone as “Tire Spare”  

Anthony Scaramucci as “Horn Blare”       

Roger Stone as “Ol’ Frere”  

Chris Christie as “Shape? Pear”  

Reince Pribus as “Too Square’

Nikki Haley as “World’s Fair”   

Rex Tillerson as “C’est Guerre”   

Neil Gorsuch as “High Chair”     

Tom Price as “Air Fare”  

Scott Pruitt as “Foul Air”   

Ben Carson as “No ’There’”

Jeff Sessions as “No Fair!”   

Steve Mnuchin as “Fair Share”   

Robert Mueller as “Best Prayer”   

& Featuring Jarud Kushner as “The Beaver”

Parts Yet To Be Cast:

_____________ as Truth/Dare”  

_____________ as “Hot Air”  

 _____________ as “Me? Err?

_____________ as “Malware"

 _____________ as “Red Scare”  

_____________ as “Nowhere”

_____________ as ”Avis Rare”

'Mis-"adventures

Missis-sissis-sissis-sippi.
Miso soup for you not me.
Misquote presh Pres Syngman Rhe.
(He missed his opportunity.)

Misfits, one or two… or three.

Mise-en-sceney scenery.
Miss Congeneality.
Misir wot? Whose recipe?

Misanthrope? I hope not me.
Missed her: Sister Heavenly.
Ms. Liz (nee Miss Probert, she).
Misplaced party loyalty.

Misty’s played for Clint, not thee.
Misconstrued you, dude, should be.
Tillie: Miss Utility.
Meshack (sic)? Where’d Shadrach be?

In Anything Ever Done? A Leonardo Da Vinci Counting Rhyme

One, two; one two. What can one do? Have you no clue?
Three, four; three, four. So: what’s it for? Can less be more?
Five, six; five, six. Who plays these tricks? Who takes the licks?
Sev’n, eight; sev’n, eight. Procrastinate? How long’s the wait?
Eight, sev’n; eight, sev’n. Why’s vita brev’? Why wait must heaven?
Six, five; six, five. Call this alive? When’s ‘it’ arrive?
Four, three; four, three. What’s with “To be…?” Is it just me?
Two, one; two, one.  Who’s having fun? What’s getting done?
Two, four; six, eight; sev’n, five; three, one. You call this fun?
Is aught e’er done? Is aught e’er done? Is aught e’er done?

In Your Dreams: Two Points of View

In your dreams,
in your dreams
you scale the heights,
recite the memes
and fight good fights.
You quell their schemes,
secure our rights
nor know not 'seems’...
nor know not ‘might’s.

But, come the lights,
d'you make the team,
absorb the slights,
repair each seam?
D'you shun the shites?
You write a ream.
You talk, alright.
So: what’s it deem?
D'you slay the blighters?

In your dreams!

Imaginary Girls

Imagine girls,
maids made-up – Pearls,
Malvinas, Merles
and Mallorys --
who come, then quick-
ly go, through Mich-
elangelo-
hung galleries.

Nor nun nor crone,

each one has grown 
(each bun alone: 
big calories) 
so flush that they’ve,
through blushes, waiv’d
all wages – tips 
and salaries.