Observation Re: a Certain Octogenarian

Why does Drumpf not sleep late...?

Drumpf's near eighty! His fate 

is to pee in his 

3 a.m. toilet. 
Were he urge to ignore 
and continue to snore, 
Drumpf's white linen would suffer: 
he'd soil it. 
Its Spring freshness to save 
would take more than a lave: 

Drumpf's top need...? To proceed 
to parboil it. 
Would it e'er be the same...? 
Are Drumpf's kidneys to blame...? 
Either way, aides will say, 
"Sir, don't spoil it."

Thus Spake Nietzsche; or, "Look Who's Dead!"

Carol Todd -- aka "Toddy." 
Thousand Nights' Sheherezade. 
Mafioso don John Gotti. 
Michael, Ann 'n' Sweeney Todd. 
Lunatic Jean-Paul Marat -- he 
got disposed of by de Sade. 

Elle Macpherson, dubb'd "The Body." 
Savage sadist al-Assad. 
Kidron Valley -- David's wadi. 
Winkin. Blinkin. (Also Nod).
Sōkun, master of karate. 
Who did I forget...? Oops: God. 

Ten Trampoliners; or, And Then There Were Not Quite None

Twice five trampoliners:

their nine siblings they'd outshine. 

The first lands in his neighbor's yard. 

There now remain just nine. 

     Observe nine trampoliners 

try to outperform each mate.

The second soarer sprains his wrist, 

which leaves behind but eight. 

     Voila! Eight trampoliners. 

Two exhaust their bags of tricks 

while banging all four knees together. 

Now are seen just six.

     So: six svelt trampoliners.

Shouts the smallest, "Watch me dive!"

Which tree'd he land in...? No one sees.

(At this point, there be five.)

     Full five fit trampoliners. 

Sev'ral watch their brothers soar. 

The last to soar's not seen again. 

How many left...? But four. 

     Four facile trampoliners. 

Yells the eldest lad, "Whoo-pee!" 

and promptly knocks himself unconscious. 

Left to leap...? But three. 

     Three trusty trampoliners. 

Did you see which pull'd a gun 

and blithely blew the other two

away -- thus leaving one...? 

     That solo trampoliner leaps, 

as huge -- and hungry! -- birds 

swoop down and bite his head off.

Now how many leap...? Two thirds. 

Mrs Gampignon (Incompluiete)

 

Toadstool Bumberstuchs & Their Enthusiasts: A Portrait Gallery

British Midwife Mrs Sarah Gampignon 

American English Teacher Booker E. Portobrella 

Russian Colonel Boris Zanterelle 

Japanese Warrant Office Hitohiro Ebonoki 

French Vice Premier Jean-Jacques Têtebrogue 

India's Sri Mahatma Chatra

     (images forthcoming)

Mushruminations; or, 'Shrooms With a View

My ol' man's a mushroom maven. 

Much gets made of that.

He sports a mushroom macintosh 

to match his mushroom hat. 

He markets mushroom kippers 

from his mushroom chipper van.

When I've grown big, I'll get that gig: 

I'll mirror my ol' man. 

Mom's, as well, a mushroom maven, 

touts its outs 'n' ins, 

inscribes tefillin parchment scripts 

on dried cremini skins, 

like, "Fret not! Cease from anger!" 

from the 37th psalm. 

To become a mushroom maven,

I shall merely mime my mom.

My sister Mae's a mushroom maven; 

sister Mim's another. 

They both knit mushroom kippahs 

for Methuselah, their brother --  

mushroom kittels, mushroom tzitzits;

countless mushroom tallits, too. 

When turn'd thirty three, I hope to be 

a mushroom maven, nu...? 

   

Whose Zoo...?

Drumpf's, of course. Sure, each 
of the political animals pictured 
possesses a specific scientific 
 proper name. But look closely: 
they're all Donald's creatures.

1. The Mobb Ostrich 

Jane Errs; or, Brontë Varia: Opening Lines to Final Chapters of Jane Eyre Wannabes

"Reader, I married him." 
     So opens the last chapter of Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre. Attempting to piggyback on the novel's success, several subsequent authors have begun the final chapters of their own literary efforts by channeling Ms Brontë and paralleling her character's address to readers. 

     In X**s, Bl**dy X**s, a memoir of her first solstice spent in the People's House, First Lady Melania Drumpf relates how she discovers the necessity of overriding each and every one of her husband's holiday decorating ideas. In the book's final chapter's opening line, and continuing her unapologetic habit of plagiarizing others' texts, she begins to relate how she pooh-poohs her spouse's insistence on requiring all White House and Cabinet staff to dress in elves outfits laden with gold ornament:

"Reader, I raspberried him."

    (More book titles, authors' names and brief synopses of various literary efforts to follow; a work in progress.) 

Material for possible future items:

"Reader, ma Mere knee'd him." 

"Reader, might Cher bleed him...?"

"Reader, I parried him." 

"Reader, I miscarried him." 

"Reader, I serried him." 

"Reader, I reburied him." 

"Reader, I ferried him." 

"Reader, I down Derry'd him." 

"Reader, I harried him." 

"Reader, I Glengarry'd him." 

"Reader, I wherried him." 

"Reader, I tarried him." 

"Reader, I Jim Carrey'd him." 

"Reader, I air raid him." 

"Reader, I dry sherry'd him." 

"Reader, I fair maid him." 

"Reader, I knobkerried him." 

"Reader, I Fermi'd him." 

"Reader, I Hail Mary'd him." 

"Reader, I varied him." 

"But, Reader, do I dare heed him...?"

Other Cognitive Tests

Person... 

woman... 

man... 

TV... 

idiot. 

Person... 

computer... 

TV... 

sociopath... 

dick.

The Kray's Zebra & Other Political Animals

The Unn Oyster 

The Benn-Towtesh Ape 

The Petschull Anteater 

The Beëlza Baboon 

The Erie's Ponzi Bull 

The Bitt Tern 

The Kray's Zebra 

The Mackie-Yav Elephant 

The Iddy Otter 

The Knott-Allth Hare

 

The Knott-Alth Hare