"I'd window shopp'd..." Handustan, the Land of Palms: A Doggerel Gazetteer In Rhyme As An Hommage To Manguel & Guadalupi, With A Verse Itinerarial Coda, A Nonsense Glossary & A Selective Map Including Detail

Handustan, the Land of Palms

I 

I’d window shopp'd in Hindustan. I'd flip-flopp'd o'er Balochistan. 
I’d cotton chopp'd in Kurdistan. I'd acid dropp'd near Kazakhstan. 

I’d razors stropp'd in Pakistan. I’d wet mopp'd dry Uzbekistan. 
I’d charts topp'd in Tajikistan. I’d hip-hopp'd ‘round Turkmenistan. 

I’d pleas copp'd in Afghanistan. I’d island hopp'd ‘cross Baltistan. 
And though I'd never opted to, I’d whistle stopp'd in Kyrgyzstan. 

I'd thought I’d haunted ev'ry “-stan,” as tourist, tramp or triggerman. 
Surprise! 'Twas one I'd fail'd to scan. The natives call'd it Handustan.  

II 

Thought I: "Treks there require aplombs. One untrod '-stan'?" I suffer'd qualms 
(which ale – two pints of Bass – becalms). One fret? Those unexploded bombs. 

My roommates, via intercoms, inform'd me how their aunts and moms 
wept, urging me to chant the Psalms while gifting local beggars alms. 

I ponder'd: "Were they Vietnam’s?" (The bombs, I'd meant, not roomies moms. 
It turn'd out most of ‘em were Guam’s, though some proved French, perhaps La Prom’s.) 

Ukraine's still famous for pogroms, as Arab states are, for salaams. 
As Gilead's the land of balms, so Handustan’s the land of palms. 

III 

'Cross Handustan stretch Finger Lakes. Ring Finger's home to Old World crakes. 
In Index Finger? Schools of hakes. (The natives crave their Hakefish steaks.)

For Middle Finger Lake make drakes. Young rappers? No! (For heaven sakes!) 
In Pinky Finger slither snakes. One bite and...ouch! One's tummy aches!

In Handustan a forest grows -- for short call'd F'ist. (Why? No one knows.)
Its full names's ForeWrist -- rows on rows of palms wherein perch ForeWrist Crows...

...who'll claw clean off your back clean clothes and nonchalantly lop your nose. 
These fowls are quite les quelque choses. But few've encounter'd one of those.

IV 

Handustan tors number two. The higher? Venus Mount. The view
when climbers summit Venus? Whew! (The view from Luna Mount's nice, too.)

The northern bit, call'd Upper Hand, is skirted by a blist'ring strand
where suckers once for hangnails pann'd. (None struck it rich, though all got tann'd.)

The rolling hills of Knuckle Down (in Spring, shagreen -- though now turn'd brown), 
are work'd by shepherds from the town by pastur'd goats with wool like down...

from which stemm'd Handustan's renown when warpp'd and woof'd into a gown
then donn'd by Clarabelle the Clown, who'd "thumbs-down'd" ev'ry hand-me-down. 

V 

The western quarter, mostly sand, is label'd Left Hand. In demand
there? Bedrock. Multi-stories? Bann'd. (There are some yurts and hogans plann'd.)

Due east of Left Hand lies a plain call'd Right Hand, where dwell, in the main,
the polis, nurtur'd by these twain: an Asian sun plus Europe's rain.

Listen! Don't you hear that hum? In Right Hand lies the town of Thumb.
Thumb's charter, call'd the Rule of Thumb, keeps "underThumb" that burg, by gum.

The tithes folks pay, the Thumb Tax, some believe to be, put briefly, dumb.
But pay Thumb's suckers do. In sum: for tax relief none beat the drum. 

VI 

At last I'd pass'd through ev'ry "-stan." I'd caravan'd through Handustan,
now, "-stan"-wise, just an also-ran. (Regarding "-stan"s, I'm Superman.)

En fin each man does all he can within his three-score-ten-year span.
Still, one "-stan" rocks like Harmattan. The natives call it Handustan. 

Getting There: A Coda 
  

Handustan-

bound...?

My best suggestion? Go well dressed. Set forth chemise'd – a shirt, at least

(or, though unpressed, a special vest. Mine (leather)? Leased and well policed).

From east of Pest, finesse your geste by heading east – three weeks at least.

At Bucharest – I would not jest – your vest divest...or, have it creased. 

When's ceased your quest (oh, good: you've guess'd), just stop. And rest. Then, on the feast
of San Baptiste (I'm his high priest), you take (if past tense, 'took') a look a-

round.

The HanduBook: An Abecedarial Glossary for the Land of Palms

(Full entries to come: a work in progress) 

All handus on deck! 
Back of my handu, the

Clap your handus! 

Dead man's handu
Dishpan handus
Dry your handus! 

Empty handu'd 
Fold your handus!

Glad handu
Grandma's handus 
Handuaxe 
Handubag

Handuball

Handubasket, hell in a

Handubrake

Handucapp’d parking

Handucraft

Handucuffs

Handu-dandu 
Handul, George Frideric

Handugun

Handu-held camera

Handu-in-glove 
Handu-in-handu 
Handujive

handukerchief
Handumaiden

Handuman 

Handu-me-down 
Handuprints

Handurail

Handus across the water 

Handu sanitizer 

Handusaw

Handushake

Handus off! 
Handustand

Handutowel

Handus up!

Handuwriting on the wall 
Hired handu

In God's handus

Jesus's handus 
Kiss on the hand, a 
Left Handu 
Living handu-mouth 
Made by handu 
My handus are tied

Mojo handu
Nine handus hight 
Out of my handus
Praying Handus 

Quick handus 
Right Handu 
Short-handu'd 
Single-handu'd 
Sound of one handu clapping, the
Take my handu, I'm a stranger in paradise 
Three-handu'd cribbage 
Upper Handu 
Wash your handus!
X handu tattoo 
You're in safe handus
Zoo handuler