The Canon Contracted or Who Xrays Your Zucchinis: an Abecedarially Constrained Nonsense in Prose (a Work in Progress)

Anon’s The Epic of Gilgamesh

Anonymous Babylonian cuneiformist describes Enkidu’s friend Gilgamesh horning in, jilting kismet. “Let ‘Mesh nix oblivion, please!” “Quite right,” spouts trickster Utnapishtim. “Vanquish whosoever x-rays your zucchinis.”

Homer’s The Iliad

Achilles balks. Cries “defrauded!” Exits fray. Gigantic horse is jury-rigged. King loads mercenaries: No one panics. Quorum ransacks splendiferous Troy until victorious warriors x-ray yahoos’ zucchinis.

Homer’s The Odyssey

After battles conclude, Daneans, enthusiastic for getting home, initiate journey. Kirke, Lotus-eaters, Maelstroms, noting ominous quest, remit spoilers, troubling Ulysses’s victory-lap while x-raying yokels’ zucchinis.

Anon’s The Old Testament

Adam’s bitch caves, departs Eden. “Free Goshen,” hollars Israel. Jews kill, later, many neighbors over promised quarters. Rabbinical scribes Torah-rize until voice warns, "X-ray Yahweh’s Zucchinis!”

Hesiod’s Works and Days

Almanac by cultivator depicts examples from Greek husbandry. “Idleness jaundices, kiboshing love, marriage: No one profits. Quick riches sully those un'cultivated,' venal wastrels x-raying yes-men’s’ zucchinis.”

Aesop’s Fables

Aesop, borrowing classic depictions (epics, fictions, 'grues,' howlers in journals, koans, legends, myths), noting one point, quaintly rerenders stories. These, unusually vivid, well x-ray yonder zucchinis!

Thomas Mann’s The Magic Mountain

Alpine blizzards chill Davos’s environs, freeze-drying gentleman Hans. Invalid Joachim? Kaput: Lung malady. Naphta opines provocatively. “Quiet,” rails Settembrini -- too vehemently? Weimar x-rays young zucchinis.

Marcel Proust’s In Search Of Lost Time

All because cattelyas don’t ever fade, Gilberte, having initiated jealousy kissing little Marcel, needles Odette, pretty quickly ruining Swann -- thereby undermining Vinteuil's waltz “X-raying Yourbeletieff’s Zucchinis.”