Other Babies, Other Whatever

Toddler shouts “Options for
everyone!” during e-
mergency shareholders’
meeting on Wall Street. So: 
baby on board...? 
Yessir! Baby on board!
Baby on board,
baby on board!

Kid shadows NBA
all-star James Hardin, ef-
fectively blocks James's
sure triple double. So:
baby on board...?
Nossir! Baby on Beard!
Baby on Beard,
Baby on Beard!

Scholar-cum-cherub de-
livers smart lecture on
every third sonnet of
W. Shakespeare. So: 
baby on Beard...? 
Nossir! Baby on Bard!
Baby on Bard,
baby on Bard.

Newborn is challenging 
Admiral's claim to've ar- 
rived at the Pole far a-
head of his rivals. So:
baby on Bard...?
Nossir! Baby on Byrd!
Baby on Byrd,
baby on Byrd!

Nipper attempts (unsuc-

cessf’lly, of course) to pre-
vent Larry Legend's strong
drive to the hoop. So: a
baby on Byrd...?,
Nossir! Baby on Bird!
Baby on Bird,
baby on Bird!

Preemie has slander’d black

civil rights activist
Rustin for that legend’s
homophile lifestyle. So:
baby on Bird...?
Nossir! Baby on Bayard!
Baby on Bayard,
baby on Bayard!

Suckling makes nuisance of

self after chugging the
rest of its older sib’s
six pack of lager. So: 
baby on Bayard...? 
Nope! Baby on Bud!
Baby on Bud,
baby on Bud! 

Papoose makes similar

nuisance of self after
smoking his squaw/mother’s
second-hand peace pipe. So:
baby on Bayard...?
Nope! Baby on bud!
Baby on bud,
baby on bud!

Toddler performs an

increasingly difficult
series of rope tricks while
riding wild porker. So: 
baby on bud...?
Nossir! Baby on boar!
Baby on boar,
baby on boar!

Red-hatted child clambers

onto plump Potus’s
shoulder while joining in
“Send her back” chanting. So: 
baby on boar...?
Nossir! Baby on boor!
Baby on boor,
baby on boor!

Brainy bambino de-

nies quantum theories of
Danish Nobel-prize-
awardee Neils, physicist.
baby on boor...?
Nossir! Baby on Bohr!
Baby on Bohr,
baby on Bohr!

Youngster identifies

body of water in
neighboring Canada;
claims it for U.S.A.
Baby on Bohr...?
Nossir! Bay beyond border!
Bay beyond border,
bay beyond border!

Afro-American

neonate cyclist in-
sists infant girlfriend climb
on right behind him. So: 
bay beyond border...?
Nope! "Babe be on board!"
"Babe be on board,
Babe be on board!"

Ser’ously under-age

sommelier praises
characteristics of
favorite vintage. So:
"Babe be on board!...?
Nossir! Babe on Bordeaux!
Babe on Bordeaux,
babe on Bordeaux!

Angry bambino at-

tacks actor Pitt for re-
fusing adoption of
him and his twin sister.
Babe on Bordeaux...?
Nossir! Baby on Brad!
Baby on Brad,
baby on Brad!

Kid movie maker’s new

flic shows rare Mesopo-
tamian sex practice,
garners news coverage.
Baby on Brad...?
Nossir! Babylon bared!
Babylon bared,
Babylon bared!

Little precocious kid

tells of his role in the
birth of large litter of
kittens in window well.
Babylon bared...?
Nossir! Baby on brood!
Baby on brood,
baby on brood!

Angelic little one

disses provocative
(sadly, deceased) TV
chef name of Anthony.
Baby on brood...?
Nossir! Babe on Bourdain!
Babe on Bourdain,
babe on bourdain!

Kid explores Nordic an-

cestors with "Finding Your
Roots" TV host Henry
Louis (“Skip”) Gates, Jr.
Babe on Bourdain...?
Nossir! Baby Jan Bjord!
Baby Jan Bjord,
baby Jan Bjord!

Toddler arrested en-

gaging in oldest pro-
fession in New Orleans
famed red-light district. So: 
baby Jan Bjord…?
Nossir! Babe in bordello!
Babe in bordello,
babe in bordello!

In series of TV spots,

child invokes name of a
creamery spokes icon –
Elsie the Cow. Is this
babe in bordello...?
Nope! Baby on Borden’s!
Baby on Borden’s,
baby on Borden’s!

Kid, atop mostly nude

body of aging French
starlet ‘tween takes for her
biopic, comments. So:
baby on Borden's...?
Nope! Babe on Bardot!
Babe on Bardot,
babe on Bardot!

Toddler mounts one-man pro-

duction of Broadway's famed
musical nod to the
Elvis induction. So:
babe on Bardot...?
Nossir! Baby on “Birdie”!
Baby on “Birdie,”
baby on “Birdie”!

Sweetheart’s hotel on one

property helps her to
dominate in kinder-
garten Monopoly. 
Baby on "Birdie"...?
Nope! Baby on Boardwalk!
Baby on Boardwalk,
baby on Boardwalk!

Rug rat wins culin’ry

contest with purloin'd Pa-
risian-made recipes

torn from French cookbooks. So: 

baby on Boardwalk...?
Nope! Baby on Bordelaise!
Baby on Bordelaise,
baby on Bordelaise!

Brendan's three sheets to the
wind again...or do those 
shutter'd lids merely dis-
play his disinterest…? So:
baby on Bordelaise...?
Nope! Behan, bored! 
B. Behan, bored,
B. Behan, bored!

Sorry: that IKEA

model of highchair for

toddlers…? Available
only in blå or grön. 
B. Behan, bored...?
Nej, nej! Baybe Jannbøhrd!
Baybe Jannbøhrd,
Baybe Jannbøhrd! 

Infant nails difficult

move on a half pipe – this

during competitive

skateboarding regionals. 

Baybe Jannbøhrd…?

Nossir! Baby on board!

Baby on board,

baby on board!

A Book of Kills

Would parallel universes wherein victims were assassinated 
not by their own murderers but by those of other assassination 
victims play havoc with the biography of (say) Cher...? 

     Were
Abe apache'd 
by Michele' Angiolillo
nor never by John ne Wilkes
Booth...
     would Cher's
claques ordain raves,
one-eyed jacks remain knaves –
and would Fox schlock jocks [shock!] stock Drumpf’s
“truth”…? 
     Or were
Bhutto bid "bye-bye!" 
by "By'" De La Beckwith
and not by Baitullah Meh-
sud...
     would Cher's
tikka taste great,
and that dal that doll ate
allow bowels to behave as they
should…?

*  *  *  *  *

     Were
Cermak cremated 
by Carlos the Jackal
instead of Giuseppe Zan-
gara...
     then would
Cher be a boy,
and Ros'clare, Illinois
reappear south of Guadala-
jara…?
     Or had
Namba Daisuke
deliver’d the deathblow
to "Dimebag" -- and not Nathan
Gale...
     would Cher's
star cease to shine,
and their Great Wall of Chin-
a fall, breach’d by our Santa Fe
Trail…? 

*  *  *  *  * 

     Lived
Evers 
by "By'" De La Beckwith uncheck’d –
dead instead at the hands of Ted
Eike...
     then would
Cher's raven tresses
be rank, tangl’d messes –
hanks yank’d thanks to Bono's bal'-
laika…?
     Or if
Fossey's found flay’d 
by Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme
as some surrogate Zig'ranyi-
razo...
     would Cher
find herself wed –
"goin' out of her head" –
not to Sonny but Teddy Ran-
dazzo…? 

*  *  *  *  *

     Were [gasp!]
Ghandi garroted 
by Violet Gibson
and not gruesome Nathuram
Godse...
     would Cher's
esse get grounded,
her ens grow less rounded,
her glamour seem far less "fa-
cadesy"…?
     Or were 
two – U. ‘n’ Q. Hussein –
hung out to dry by
John Hinkley and not Task Force
20...
     would Cher's
dreadful duets –
i.e., "Benn' 'n' the Jets" –
cease...outpaced by (say) "Pastures A-
plenty"…? 

*  *  *  *  *

     Had I-
zamo been iced 
by Kalid Islambouli
instead of Jean-Bedel Bo-
kassa...
     would there
live, on this ball,
simply no Cher at all…?
Like...is, Cher-wise, earth tabula
Rasa…?
     Or were
JFK's jugular
jabb’d by Jovanovic,
not pinko Lee Harvey
Oswald...
     would con-
ditions take place
leaving luncheon plans -- based
on Cher's plot to serve hot vichys-
soise – stall’d…?

*  *  *  *  *

     If King's
karma
(get kill’d by Khalid Sheik Mohammed
and not by that kaffirphobe
Ray)...
     would wind 
up ringing true,
then who'd channel Nehru…?
(Good bet: Cher'd channel Morgan Le
Fay.)
     Or would 
lies -- Huey ("Kingfish") Long's 
late been laid low, 
led  to slaughter by Lawrence of
Britain --
    lead to 
looming o'er Weiss
a new broom...? (Hold that rice!
A new groom!...? One with whom Cher’s more
smitten…?) 

*  *  *  *  *

     Had both
Milk and Moscone
been murdered
by Mountbatten's murd'rer McMahon, not
White...
     perhaps
Chastity's Mum'd
be a big bunch less bumm’d –
and poor Chaz'd be less jazz'd, more forth-
right!
     Or if
Gabri'l Narutowicz
(nail'd by E. Niewiadomski) 
were nixed by
Nidal,
     would Cher's
navel -- informal –
look more paranormal
and warrant success de scan-
dale…?

*  *  *  *  *

    Had Or-
lando been off'd 
by one Lee Harvey Oswald
nor not by Contreras and
Townley...
     would Cher
sound more like Callas  
(or less like George Halas)…?
And would the world turn "upside-
downly"…?
     Had Fran-
cisco Pizarro 
been put down by Richard Paul Pavlik, 
not D'ego Al-
magro...
    would fans
roar, "Cher's a whore!"
(Crude Columbians!) Or, 
would her fan base within Bogo-
ta grow…? 

*  *  *  *  *

     Had S'if
ad-Din Qutuz
had his quintessence quash’d
by Pham Phu Quoc, not Baibars the
Mamluk,
     betcha
Bono, E. Presley,
Greg Allman -- or ('speshly) 
Tom Cruise never'd give Cher one
damn look!
     Or if
George Lincoln Rockwell'd 
been really rubb’d out 
by Jack Ruby nor not by John
Patler...
     would Cher's
final "Farewells"
be, well, final…? Hell's bells!
Could our lass be less tot'lly a
tattler…? 

*  *  *  *  *

     What if
Anwar Sadat
had got slaughtered 
by Sirhan Sirhan, not Khalid Islam-
bouli...
     would dys-
lexia (Cher's)
prompt the Gilbert LaPierres
to treat Cherilyn any less
cru'lly…?
     Or if
Doctor George Tiller'd 
been took out by Henning von Tresckow 
and not by Scott
Roeder...
     would've 
Bono not died…?
Or, would Paul Revere's ride
turn out badly…? (Bet that would have
show’d her!) 

*  *  *  *  *

     Or were
A. Uwilingiyimana 
undone by unknowns,
not Bernard Ntuya-
haga...
     would Cher's
stage name be Tori,
and would her life story
seem less like an Icelandic
saga…?
     Or were
Hendrik Verwoerd
victimized by Vittor'o Vidali, 
not D'mitri Tsa-
fendas...
     maybe
Cher or her sister,
both bumm’d by some blister,
might unearth some Valtrex to
lend us! 

*  *  *  *  *

     Or were
John H. Wood, Jr.,
wiped out by Dan White,
not Chas Harrelson (Woody's be-
getter)...
     would a
diff'rent Chaz Bono
(she’d "Yes!" -- though she don' know)
love life as a "Chuck" so much
better…?
     Or if
Malcolm X hadn't been
x'd out by Heyer and Bradley 
but X-twenty
three...
     would Cher
cease selling off
all her memorabilia,
willing her best stuff to
me…? 

*  *  *  *  *

     Or were
Tohir Yo'ldosh
yadda-yadda'd by Felix Yusupov, 
not drones (you know
who!)...
     would Cher
trample no gypsy,
nor thieve near Poughkeepsie…?
P'raps not: But, chaps...what would Cher 
do…?
     Had Giu-
seppe Zangara
zapp’d Yasuda Zenjiro,
not some uyoku dan-
tai...
     then would
nobody care
about anything "Cher"…?
Ergo: there, but for Cher, might go...
I…?

"How About You?" Redux

There’s long been enthusiasm for altering one particular 
line in the Lane and Freed pop classic "How About You," 
a standard list song -- specifically the line running, 
“…And Franklin Roosevelt’s looks give me a thrill…” 

Here's the original:

"I'm mad about good books, can't get my fill.
And Franklin Roosevelts’s looks give me a thrill...”

Now for several variants -- abecedarially constrained -- 
exploring what's possible:

And Agee’s wordplay books' palindrome skill…
And Brice as Baby Snooks, mischievous fille...
And croustades Julia cooks using fresh dill...
And dreck Drumpf deems "deluxe" (Pence plays Don's shill)...
And Epstein’s address books. That guy was swill…
And 'flux' phonated 'flooks' -- sonic'lly shrill...
And gents who groan "gadzooks!" (Be these guys ill...?)...
And hearths with inglenooks -- maybe a grille…
And iron grappling hooks. (SEALs know the drill.)...
And Jew's harp Konzertstücks -- last on the bill...
And Karpov’s castl’d rooks. Will he...? He will…
And Lewis Carroll's nook -- salacious! (Still...)...
And Madoff, king of crooks. What's in his will...?
And news that songs have hooks I must distill...
And -oses – dextr’s 'n' fruct’s – soon make one ill…
And prayers like "Ave Crux!" bring about nil... 
And quiet overlooks --valley or hill…
And Rorschach comic books penn'd with a quill…
And Sholem Asch's schnooks ain't from Brazil... 
And tours like Captain Cook's, book'd with no frill...
And utter’d gobbl’ygooks (some with a trill)...
And Viet Nam’s Chinooks, fashion'd to kill…
And watching “Our Miss Brooks” -- Connie 'n' Phil…
And Xerxes, Persian Dux, misplaced his zill…
And Yellowknife’s Canucks -- Cedric and Jill…
And Zippy’s strip still looks drafted by Bill… 

Hommage a Mike Wilbon in '-il's, '-on's 'n' '-esses'es

"What fills the bill…? Eubonics will," 
professes Casaubon.
"Who spills no swill…? Hugh Bonneville," 
assesses Eleanor Bron.
“What kills a chill…? Swill'd tonics will," 
confesses Bon', James Bon'.
“My pills are bonbons fill’d with dill,” 
finesses Dot's* "Big Blon'.”
Each thrills: "Mike kills in dresses 
donn'd in vaudeville in Bonn."

     * Wit Dorothy Parker

He Knows What He Likes

‘Tis comme il faut that Wolfgang chose art.
(Which Wolf…? Amadh A. S. (“Wolf”) Sartre.)
So: Aunt Flo (we’re told she knows art)
crows, "Wolf’s glows -- his beaucoup beaux-arts --
most unlike Great-uncle Joe's art -- 
calendars with 'ho's-in-hose art.”
(Asks each poser: “D'you suppose art
apropos of Wolf's rondeaus art
blows away Joe’s status quo's art…?)

Homagee Jon Agee

     The
Jon plying palindromes...? That Jon you know.      
     Here’s fif- 
teen Agees -- anagrams. Bid each “Hello.”

     Jane

Goe, niece of Jon’s and a bit of a ‘ho. 

     Voi-

la! Meet Jean Ego, the pseudo Poirot.                                      

     The

gypsy cum bard e. e. jango makes rhymes.                                          

     E. J.

Genoa salts his salamis with limes.

     Gee! An 

O. J.! (An Orenthal James substitute.)

     J, age

one, squats Luvs-swaddl’d. (That toddler’s so-o-o-o-o cute.)                                      

     Jo, a

gene: lots of chromosomes – quite a few doz.                                      

     Og, nee

J. A., Cro-magnon bride. (Bedded her cuz.)

     Geo/

Jean (George/Jeanine), as hermaphrodite sex'd. 

     J. (E...?) 

A.: gone – but track’d through a milk-carton text.

     Miss

Agee – Go, Janee! – the pompom queen. (Rah!)                                     

     Joe 

Egan, Beau’s Irish twin. (Egan go bragh!)                                        

     Could

Ogee Jan’s treatments grace windows uptown…?                               

     No J.

Agee’s one fate Jon must take “lying down.”                                            

     -jee,

Goan (no name, honorific attach’d).

     He’s half

Hindu, half Portuguee (sic): sri unmatch’d.