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Saturday, April 25, 2020

POTUS Pillories the Press Corps

    Dedicated to those members 
of the press corps who aren't here 
but should be...and soon shall.
    
"CNNer Kaitlan Collins
was, I'm told, a date of Stalin's.
ABC News Jon'than Karl...?
'That's not true,' Karl's prone to snarl."
     "Petty Shannon Pettypiece:
We'd better phone the truth police.
AP’s Jonathan Lemire…?
Oh, by the way, he's odd. And queer."

"News Hour biche Yamiche Alcindor:
Newsday ought to’ve Anne Boleyn’d ‘er.
Bloomberg News’s Justin Sink…?
The dext’rous Duke of Doublethink."
     "The Times’s Maggie Haberman.
A plu-unpleasant neighbor, man!
NPR gal Tam’ra Keith…?
Obtuse up top, zip underneath."

"The New York Times’s Peter Baker.
Hold the muck: ol’ Pete'll rake 'er.
CBS’s Paula Reid…?
I think I, with her, did the deed."
     "Bezos boyo Philip Rucker.
Like his boss, another sucker.
Fake News WaPo’s Ashley Parker…?
Brother Bezos' side show barker."

"New York Times’s Michael Shear.
The failing pub’s fail'd pamphleteer.
A U R N’s April Ryan:
Lyin’ Brian Williams’ scion."
     "The New York Times’s Annie Karni.
Who knew Jews to broadcast blarney…?
Reuters Jimmy Oliphant:
Can or can't he cut the cant…?"

"Peter, Peter Alexander!
Soon I’ll sue his ass for slander.
Ms. O’Donnell (christen’d Kelly)…?
Too true blue for prime-time telly."
     "Fox News Radio’s Jon Decker.
One pontificating pecker.
Fox News Channel’s Kevin Cork.
Part-time putz and full-time dork."

     "Roberts, John. Acosta, Jim.
I cannot stomach eith’rof him.
Welker, Kristen. Jackson, Hallie.
Much preferr’d…? A campaign rally."
     "CBS’s Major Garrett.
Ignoramus -- 14-caret.
Press corps! Please leave me alone!
And where’s my freakin’ Roy M. Cohn…?"

Friday, April 24, 2020

A Mixology Briefing from the Bartender-in-Chief

     It's Fallback Friday. Pick his poison!

"I tell my base in rampant candor:
'Try my Brandy Purexander!'
Flat out stuff the ballot box...
then try my Clorox on the Rocks!
For giving virus rumors rest,
my PiƱa Colalysol’s best.
And, no! I don't know Mussolini.
Meantime, try my Boratini!"

     Coda

"My hunch...? A touch of indigestion's
 actin' up. Still...no more questions."

Limericks in the Light of COVID

Lewis Carroll’s kid, Coventry, asks,
“At mad tea parties, must we wear masks…?”
The lad’s daddy replies,
“He who doesn't don dies.
He who does in beamoshity basks.”

Mervyn Peake's son (a offspring call'd Pikes)...?
The most id'osyncratic of tykes:
he's injecting himself
with chlorine off the shelf.
Have you ever heard tell of the likes...?

Limerickyricardo

     Here's an example of a verse form named 
after a county in Ireland and featuring a fellow 
from a county in England who penned some.

Edward Lear sires one daughter, call'd Shanda.
Fixing fruit hats for Carmen Miranda,
does she tell her dad that
she's "re-pear'd" her last hat
'less she, too's, 'llow'd to sing with the band...? Duh! 

Thursday, April 23, 2020

Verse Brief, Illustrated (World's Second Shortest Poem)


          ...and yet...

Pairs Not Pomaceous

One pair of Chutes (one spells his ‘Shute’)
once shared one pair of parachutes.
The two proved resolute, to boot:
they’d wear, unair’d, wet Wellie boots.

“A couple o' parabolas,”
declares one pair of gabb(e)lers,
“results in psychobabble from
most mathematics dabb(e)lers.”

One pair of Bulls, one day in shul,
declar’d one pair of parables.
One’s Mike; one’s Scott. Pay heed and you’ll
hear bells not toll’d at tractor pulls.

One pair of grins – one’s yang, one’s yin –
once graced one pair of peregrines.
“Good morning, Minh.” “How fare thee, Flynn…?”
(If frowns such clowns wear, no one wins.)

One pair of pets were order’d, “Get
thee b’yond yon pair of parapets!”
Their fate…? No fetes. (Here, on cassette,
view “Tigh ‘n’ Tigger’s Death Duets.”)

One pair of Sauls (whose…? Montreal’s)
installs one pair of parasols.
Just who plants whose none now recalls,
nor were there pressing protocols.

One pair of dice – much-needed spice –
Eve’d introduce in Paradise.
“S-s-s-so: you’d entice…? Heed Asp’s advice.
One uns-s-s-sliced apple sh-sh-shall s-s-s-suffice.”

One pair of Moores one can’t ignore
once took one pair of paramours,
new senses ceding (veil’d before)
to turns of phrase like “two-by-fours.”

      * One early manuscript shows
“cellar doors” here. Another has
 “parquet floors.” Both are early.

One pair of graphs (can one but laugh...?)
attempts one pair of paragraphs
to paraphrase, though just one half
proves readable; the other’s chaff.

One peer of Keats (from l’hommes d’elites)
repeats one pair of parakeets’
loquacity: “Too-wheet, too-wheet!”
(L’eclairess’ment: “What’s shakin,’ Sweets…?”)

One pair of docs (one Groucho mocks)
apparently’s one paradox:
The short one’s wily as an ox.
The shorter…? Dumber than a fox!

Two pairs of dimes – amalgams I’m
to view as pairs of paradigms:
financial fall guys for tough times –
now fail, I fear, to “k’ching!” my chimes.

One pair of Finns did, for their sins,
smear pairs of beards with paraffins.
That each bears pairs of double chins
diminish’d ethane-damaged skins.

Of all accounts of pairs of mounts
in Lit, which pair be paramount…?
If Silver Rosinant’ surmounts,
does Dapple Tonto’s Scout discount…?

Do “noids” of Freud’s wax overjoy’d,
annoying pairs of paranoids…?
Of pity Sigmund proves devoid,
while Anna schizoids now avoids.

One pair of lies (who’ll pose the “why…?”s...?)
will petrify and paralyze.
The first…? That God bestrides the skies.
The second…? That She prophesies.

One pair of Rays (so someone says)
twin virelays in paraphrase
determine to compose…in days!
Fiasco…? Let me count the ways.

One pair of sites sits train’d tonight
upon one pair of parasites.
Before they flee (go left, flow right),
let fly…and nuke their leukocites!

One pair of Ds (thus: PAR-OD-DY)
misspells completely ‘parodies’
and orthographic’lly ODs…
unless one’s speaking Parrotese.

One pair of cleats to prink two feet,
one each for pairs of Paracletes.
Two’d be taboo; yet still they’re fleet.
Pete poach'd the pair. (Pete always cheats.)

One pair of blasts, one day long past,
destroy’d one pair of parablasts.
One film crew on the scene was gass’d.
Press sketches…? None like Nast’s nor Chast’s.

One pair of cells, one chemist tells,
invade one pair of paraceles
within one’s brain, where – swell! – they’ll swell,
until one’s hearing “boids ‘n’ bells.”

Who’ll swear to share au pairs – in pairs –
with Herr Moliere…? Au pairs like theirs
could care for heirs of trillionaires.
(Their nightmares…? Or their answered prayers…?)

A pair of guys (I tell no lies!)
discovered pairs of Paraguays.
The one…? A tropic paradise.
The other…? Shades of Paris skies.

Parameters…? I don’t know yours,
but mine rate pairs of amateurs
who’re fabricating haut coutures.
(One hopes that “off-the-rack” endures.)

Paracelsus Hohenheim,
a Swiss physician friend of mine,
says, “On one pair o’ seltzas dine
each day. ‘Twill keep ya feelin’ fine.”

'-Oy'phabet: an Abecedarial Decade

At ABCs, girl, I’m your boy --
gilt-edged, world-class, the real McCoy.
Heads up! Achtung! Take heed! Ahoy!
as I some twenty-six deploy.

An A fronts ‘Arundhati Roy.’
A B initiates ‘bok choy.’
A C gives birth to ‘corduroy.’
A D begins (sans ‘t’) ‘Detroi-.’

Edging forward, I employ
both E and F for ‘Eddie Foy.’
A G, in Yiddish, opens ‘goy’
plus half of Boorman’s “Hope and Glo’y.”

An H initials ‘hoi polloi’
and ‘Helen’ (formerly of Troy).
I takes the lead in ‘Illinois.’
(It also sets up ‘Iroquois.’)

A J…? It’s just to jump-start ‘joy.’
A K begins not ‘carp’ but ‘koi.’
An L…? ”The Thin Man”’s Myrna Loy.
An M heads Beckett’s play “Molloy.”

Annoyingly, N’s not for ‘noy,’
but O (sans ‘l’) opes ‘Olive Oy-.’
A P prompts Rumpole’s ‘Pomeroy.’
Q leads, not ‘Matsu,’ just ‘Quemoy.’

An R initiates ‘Rob Roy.’
An S inaugurates ‘St. Croix’
and stomps its impress on ‘Savoy.’
It takes two Ts to ‘Tinker Toy.’

A U starts ‘Ubu Roi.’ (Think “Roy.”)
A V…? V launches ‘Vic-e-roy.’
To kick off ‘weiner’ (saveloy),
A W you must deploy.

An X prompts…not much. (As a ploy,
friends recommend the word ‘xystoi.’)
A Y leads ‘yo un nino soy.’
(From where I sit that’s “I’m your boy.”)

Last, lest these crambos start to cloy
(or worse: to thoroughly annoy),
a Z originates ‘Zoy Zoy.’
Now...let me hear your “Atta boy!”!

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

The Ballade of Bill Ding: Verses Written Under the Influence of Carroll's "The Hunting of the Snark"








    (Does one, despite one's wandering
through PlaysWell, ever hear Bill sing...?) 





‘Twas sev'ral years ago last Spring,
when bygone times were still "the thing"...






               ...and mulling ‘em was in full swing.
               I’d tired of reading Deng Xiaoping...
  



...and Dr. Martin Luther King
when, practicing my highland fling,






               I met a man call'd William Ding.
               Bill's coat – pale wenge, a coloring...


...like nutmeg more than anything --
had suffer'd stubborn static cling.






               Bill's diction bore a certain ring,
               a slang I’d slung when visiting...
 ...a cordage shop in Old Peking,
in search of high-grade yoyo string.







               As I stood eyeing Mr. Ding,
               he faded -- like a bathtub ring.
                                 No matter what your morrows bring,
                                 I doubt you'll spot an odder thing. 
                                 

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

These Times They Are Some Changelings!

Now’s the best and worst of times; indeed, the blest and curs'd of times; the William Randolph Hearst of times:
the best and worst of times.

Now’s the worst and best of times; the empty feather’d nest of times; the faulty COVID test of times:
the worst and best of times.

The Deutsches Currywurst of times; the largely unrehears’d of times; the never reimburs’d of times:
the best and worst of times.

At best, the second-best of times; i.e., the anapest of rhymes; the jester (overdress’d) of mimes:
the worst and best of times.

The “tots 'n' kids eat first” of times; the “shopp'd until I burst” of times; “My wallet’s gone! Unpurs’d!” of times:
the best and worst of times.

Oyez, de woists ‘n’ bests o’ times; the “How d’you like my breasts…?” of times; “Come up and see Mae West!” of times:
the worst and best of times.

The craven rave and thirst of times; the “Durst I…? Yeah, I durst!” of times; the “Yet again, coerced” of times:
the best and worst of times.

Quixote’s gloried quest of times…?; The "...West, young man! Go West!” of times…? Nope! “Halt! You’re und’rarrest!” of times:
the worst and best of times.

“At Freedom’s breast we’re nurs’d” of times; the ”See Amer’ca first!” of times; “Once more, my bubble’s burst!” of times:
the best and worst of times.

The uninvited guest of times; "Your vest remains unpress’d” of times; “Is this some kind of jest…?” of times:
the worst and best of times.

The ”dead, embalm’d 'n' hears’d” of times; the “poorly prosed 'n' versed” of times; en fin, the Fanny Hurst of times:
the best and worst of times.

The “stress’d from being ‘Yes-s-s-s’d’” of times; the “get it off your chest” of times; the “dying unconfess’d” of times:
the worst and best of times.

Auf Deutsches, "eben erst” of times; the “Bellhop of Amherst” of times; the “bought and paid-for jur’st” of times:
the best and worst of times.

The Digby and Beau Geste of times; the “rhymed at my behest” of times; the “Let's give this a rest!” of times:
the worst and best of times.

Monday, April 20, 2020

O Captains! A Relentless Nonsense with a Lamentless Conceit

     Aye, aye! (Ay-yi-yi!)

O, Captains (America, Blood, Zero, Earth…): thou be nowt if not captains courageous.
Sev'ral captains, however (there's never a dearth), prove, on inquiry, captains outrageous. 
Might not each, switching ships (here's an ABC’s worth), switch their cosmoses…? Ponder these pages.

What if Ahab had captain'd, instead of his Pequod, 
a carrack call’d Santa Maria...?
Then would Native Americans sigh with relief at the found'ring of "Chris's Idea"…?
And would hunting white whales, like all searches for grails, now be hail’d one more fail’d panacea…?

What if HMS Bounty'd been captain’d by Beefheart 
instead of by officer Bligh...?
Would its mutineers, rather than take to Tahiti, have open’d a bar in Dubai…?
And would Fletcher've been play’d not by Gable or Brando but some fa-a-a-ar less self-absorb’d guy…?

If Endeavour'd been captain’d, instead of by Cook, 
by one Cap'n Horatio M. Crunch,
then would Botany Bay be one stop, since that day, on some serial cereal brunch...?
And would Cook's tours be publicized "Crunch Tours" instead...? It’s a good bet they would. (Just my hunch.) 

If the schooner We're Here had, as pilot, Der Captain 
of "Hans-und-Fritz" fame -- and not Disko,
then would young Harvey Cheyne have become Mama's bane and migrated from Gloucester to Frisco,
where, no longer a kid, he'd do scenes in a vid, playing Pancho to some sordid Cisco…? 

What if ace Captain Eddie's belov'd Flying Fortress 
became Captain Eo's space vessel,
then would World War II prove but minor ado, scrub’d when Ed asks Herr Adolf: "Who'll wrestle!"…?
Or would spacetime get bent, with Ed's UFO sent back in time to snuff young Georgie Jessel…?

What if Flint and his Walrus became SS Feathersword 
and its eponymous captain…?
Would the foremention’d Feathersword balk at the switch, crying, "No bloody way I'm adaptin'!"?
And would Captain Fantastic, with no ship at all, of a sudden start speaking Sahaptian…? 

What if George -- "Captain Seafood" – would try to usurp 
Captain Gantu's Galactic Armada…?
Would not Lilo and Stitch knuckle under and snitch…? What would happen…? In fact, next to nada:
George would grant Gantu's wish and serve everyone fish with a side of baked beans, blah-de-blah-dah... 

What if Hook's Jolly Roger (which once was The Wasp) 
were by Hornblower re-christen'd Sutherland…?
Then would Captain Horatio, thereby bereft, with no ship to return to the motherland,
taunt Herge's Captain Haddock, "You've no ship as well…? Must we both end our days in some other land…?"…?

What if Captain Insano had thrown in the towel, 
crying, “Please, take the con, Captain Janeway!”…?
Then might Kate clear her throat, don some admiral’s coat, and observe, “That’s a rather inane way
to your title defend. Jan…u…ar…reee-e-e-e…! Girlfriend!” (Calling Kibbee’s a mu-u-u-uch less insane way.*)
    
     * Guy Kibbee played January opposite Shirley Temple’s 
Star in the film bearing his character’s name.

What if Captain James Kirk (Mr. Spock did the work) turn’d the Enterprise over to Kidd…?
What if Kidd, for his part (Kidd was never too smart) fail’d to fix on what Kirk and Spock did…?
Yes, and what if all three handed over the key in some Kangaroo takeover bid…?

Speaking of “Trek,” it's remiss not to check what a captain like Lorca might do
in a universe which – if you’ll pardon my kitsch – is unlike that in which me and you,
were we captains like him, might inspect, on a whim, the behaviors of Romulan Hugh.*

     * A character appearing in seasons 5 thru 7 of TNG.


     Below are a few of culture’s captains who might well figure in future verses:

Marvel
 
Morgan Nemo Obvious Picard Queeg Ron Sisco
Sparrow Spaulding Teague Underpants Von Trapp
White Xavier Yuri Yamato Zoom Zack

Cautionary Charm in the Time of Corona: an Instructional Audio

Stay safe! Stay sane!
Stay sane! Stay safe!
Stay clear of tripe! 
Stay clear of trayf!
Stay the Land of the Free!
Stay the Home of the Brayf!
(Ralph Vaughn Williams's name…?
Brits pronounce his name ‘Rayf.’
Know the French word ‘cafĆ©’…?
Brutes pronounce that word ‘kayf.’)
Stay at home! Please don't chafe!
What'sa matta?! Y'all 'dayf'...?

Litany Chanted Over Schrƶdinger's Box

Is he dead yet...? 'Yes' or 'No'...?  All'd 'God Bless!' if 'Yes,' you know.  Is he dead yet...? Don...