AZ, BY, CX Etcetera

      AZ
 
"Absolute zero's one
get-go,* albeit a
bleak,"  
     specs A-
lexis,** who's married with
children and swears, "Yeah: I’m
Greek.”
   
     * Possibly the so-called 

Great Get-Go, often confused 

with the Big Bang.
     ** Zorba.
 
     BY
 
     "Be your-
self! (HO* whom else would you
be…?" asks (rhetoric'lly)
Boris.** 
     "To be
anyone else might cause
Mother*** some serious
tsoris."
 
     * Russian Cyrillics for 'but' and
pronounced (roughly) 'noh.'
     * Yeltsin    

     *** Mother Russia.
 
      CX
 
     "Con-
temn xenophobes! Contemn,"
Rhumba King Cugat* re-
peats.  
     (Just as
he would be treated, each
stranger this vir bonus**
treats.)
  
     * Xavier (a reverso: cf XC below.)
     ** What the good man does is 

always right – or so (someplace) 

suggest the Brothers Grimm.
 
     DW
 
     “Do with-
out! Pledge thy pounds to the
poor," warbles Dionne* (sweet
song bird),  
     tho’ 'tis
Bacharach (Burt) who will 
soon teach her right word from
wrong word.
 
     * Warwick
 
     EV  
 
     "’Every 
valley exalted shall
be; every rough place made
plain’:   
     I shall
dance thee that text," Edward*
vows, "in a Balanchine
vein."
 
     * Villella
 
     FU  
 
     "I’m fed
up! UFOs, UR-
Ls, UXBs..." fumes our
Felix.*
     "In the
end, all they yield is some
abecedarial 
helix."
 
     * Unger
 
     GT 
 
     "Gin and
tonic plus juice of one 
lime: pour the lot over 
ice..." 
      prescribes 
Gene.* "Good advice," echoes
Gene.** "One innocuous
vice!"
 
     * Tierney   

     ** Tunney 
 
     HS
 
     Hunting
snarks is a task for which
Harry is thoroughly
fit.
     “Harry
who…?” you may ask. “Harry
Shearer,” says I. (Holy
shit!)
 
     IR
 
     "I, 
Robot, rest my
case," in tones Rum-
polean...
     roars I-
rene.* "I'd rap it,
were I Rock 'n' 
Rollean."
 
     * Ryan
 
     JQ
 
     "John
Quincey ain't the 
seventh Chief Ex-
ec," corrects Jo-
se*...
     "He's
sixth, post James Mon-
roe…but what the
heck! (More: what the
hey!!)
 
     * Quintero 
 
     KP  
 
"Key personnel…? Kevin…?
Paul…? Rajon…? Ray…?" Kendrick*
wonders.
     Then Perk's
traded, which trade shall yet
prove one of Beantown’s worst 
blunders.
 
     * Perkins
 
     LO
 
     Leigh/O-
livier, Lunt/Fontaine.
Which duo's dropp’d from the
list... 
     of great 
thespian pairs…? Jolie/ 
Pitt…? LOL! (Won't be 
miss’d.)
 
     MN
 
     "Mach'a-
vellian, not to say
cynical: 'twas just her 
way..." 
     muses
Mike,* as he pegs one-time
partner, the late Elaine 
May.
 
     * Nichols
 
     NM 
 
     "Not
much!" mutters Norman,* when
asked if he liked married 
life. 
      "Good when
naked, but less good when 
dead: much depends on the
wife."
 
     * Mailer
 
     OL  
 
     Ozy-
mandias: "Look on my
burg, Mr. Big, and des-
pair!"…?
     Nope! Or-
lando*: "Give ear to my
music...or not: I don't
care."
 
     * Lasso
 
     PK
 
Pre-kindergarteners…?
Percy Kilbride…? Phyllis
Kirk…?
     Seems, at
best, and anachronist’s
nightmare. (At worst, it’s
berserk.)
 
     QJ
 
     “Quince
jam…? Nope: quince jam session:
five each of trumpets, trom-
bones,
     pairs of
altos and tenors, one
bari,” suggests Quincy
Jones.
 
     RI
 
     “I
did it for LOVE, in a
pop-arty, hard-edgy
style, and
    I would
do it again – if less
well were I Robert Rhode
Island.*”
 
     * I.e., not Robert Indiana
 
     SH
     “Sal He-
patica: that’s what I
need,” Stephen Hawking re-
marks.
     “Sarah
Huckabee boosts it for
hunting of quarks – those, or
snarks.”
 
     TG
 
     “Thank
God!” cries The Grinch. “I’m re-
lieved there’s to be no re-
prisal.”
     “’Thank’ a-
gain, creature mine. If you
play, you must pay,” warns Ted
Geisel.
 
     UF
 
    “Two
thirds of a UFO…?
Better than none,” observes
Ugo.*
    “If one
rides offers, I’ll take a
rain check. I know: why don’t
you go.”

    * Foscolo
 
     VE, WD
 
     William
Demarest, Victor Em-
Manuel (not in that
order),
     having
given their goods to the
poor, promptly head for the
border.
 
     XC
    
     De
Jesus Ximenes, born
Claudio, judge in East
Timor,
     is a-
shamed of his parents:
he’d hoped that his ol' dad could
be more.
 
     YB
 
     Yul
Brynner is not Yogi
Bear. Of that fact I am
sure.
     To in-
sist Yul is not Yogi
Berra…? A bit prema-
ture.
 
     ZA
 
     Deni
Avdija, NBA
forward and scion of
Zufer,
     allows
sports fans who follow such
stuff to observe, “Look: a
twofer!”

Br'er He-man (ne Lowe) v Ulysses Poe: a Dis Missive

     [Verse]
   
Whose name rhymes with 'willow'…?
Puff buff Don DeLillo.
Whose name rhymes with 'Brillo'…?
Rough-Reilly (dubb’d BillO'). 
Whose name rhymes with 'pillow'…? 
‘Tain’t Br’er He-man (ne Lowe).
Nor ‘tain't who you think – 
'tain't that Manilow fellow...
     'cuz...

 
     [Chorus]

Br’er He-man (ne Lowe) –
he writes no songs; he writes no songs…
while me…? I write about a knight
who quests unrighted wrongs. 
I further tell about a belle
dubb’d Wistful Nell. (She longs.) 
Yet folks think Br’er He-man
writes all them songs.  

Br’er He-man (ne Lowe) –
he writes no songs; he writes no songs…
while me…? I sing about a king
who had this thing for thongs.
I thereon add an extra tad
about Aladdin’s bongs. 
Still, people parry: 
"Br’er: he writes them songs."  
 
Br’er He-man (ne Lowe) –
he pens no tunes; he pens no tunes...
while me…? I scrawl about King Saul
(a Semite) and his goons.
I then embellish (with much relish) 
tales of hellish moons.
Still, Br’er contends,
"'Tis me who pens them tunes." 

Br’er He-man (ne Lowe) –
he pens no tunes; he pens no tunes... 
while me…? I hum about my chum
whose rants he raves in runes...
and then flesh out the part about
which Bear, He-man ne’er croons. 
Still, Br’er’s twee friends
insist: "He pens them tunes." 

Br’er He-man (ne Lowe) –
he inks no airs; he inks no airs... 
while me…? I chant of Willy Brandt 
and masks the Phantom wears,
love's signs (they're scant)
and lines which pant
o'er 'mmanu'l Kant's affairs.
Br'er He-man, thinks:
"'Sno fair! I inks them airs."  
 
Br’er He-man (ne Lowe) –
he inks no airs; he inks no airs…
while me…? My hands shape master plans
for fans' unanswer'd prayers.
Ascending stairs which He-man scare
(stairs He-man rarely dares). 
Still, He-man thinks
it's he who inks them airs. 
 
     [Coda]

 
     Who's 
Br’er He-man (ne Lowe)
who inks them airs…?
He stinks! (Who cares!) 
     Who's  
Br’er He-man (ne Lowe)…?
He posts the tunes
he pens to loons. 
     Hey, 
Br’er, my man:
Hel-lo-o-o-o! Don't write
that song. It's shite!   
                                 (So long!)  

Bardworks in Time of Drumpf (Unpub)

Drama chronicles development of 

“Get Out Drumpf Vote” support package 

for base aka groundlings:

     “The Ass You Like” Kit
 
Drumpf, self-styled king (albeit of beasts) 

tweets on and on about anything and 

nothing at all:

     Simba, Lyin’

 
POTUS unleashes tweet shitstorm 

as winning sports teams ignore 

Rose Garden photo ops:

     The Trump, Piss’d

 
President’s Treasury Secretary squirrels 

away sizeable billionaire tax breaks…

and then hurriedly resigns:

     Mnuchin Does ‘Bout Nuthin’

Series of tableaux portrays Drumpf’s 

dreadful offspring:

     Rich Heirs…? They’re Turds

Tragic reenactment of installation 

of Donald's golden toilet at The Tower.

     King’s John
 
And are synopses even necessary for:

     King Leer, 

     Oaf Fellow, 

     “Cor! He’s All Anus!”  

     Comedy or “Hair”rrors…?

The B U G Bugs (Unpub)

A's for Donald
Rumsfeld: A Bug --
angry, awful
ABU Ghraib Bug!
 
B's for B Bug:
Ms. Savitsky,
bitchin' Bella
ABzUG Bug!
 
C's for C Bug:
John Belushi,
"-burger, cheese-!" (Cheese-
BUrGer Bug!)
 
D’s D Bug:
Marlene Dietrich,
Deutsch-treat BlaUe
EnGel Bug!
 
E's for E Bug:
King Kong: esca-
lator’d E. State
BUildinG Bug.
 
F’s for F Bug:
just Jean Tinguely,
fabled FreiBoUrG
Fauvist Bug!
 
G’s for G Bug:
“No Lies” Lincoln,
gabby Gettys-
BUrG Address Bug!
 
H…? For H Bug:
Little Toot: the
hapless happy
harBor tUG Bug!
 
I's for I Bug:
Adolf Hitler: 
Herr "Is Paris
BUrninG…?" Bug!
 
J's for J Bug:
Oscar Hammer-
stein: "June's BUstinG
Out All O-…" Bug!
 
K's for K bug:
Boris I,* the
karmic Khan (BUl-
Gar’an) Bug!
 
     * Boris the First, of course –
i.e., not Boris Ingelheim the
New Jersey orthodontist.
 
L…? For L Bug:
Wolverines: the
"I Love Thee, Li'l
Brown JUG" Bugs!
 
M…? M Bug: The
Artist’s* "The Most
BeaUt'ful Goil In
Woild" Bug!
 
     * Formerly known as
somebody else
 
N's for N bug:
Ms. Monroe: 
the nubile Nude-on-
Bear-rUG Bug!
 
O's for O bug:
K. L. Bates*: "Oh,
BeautifUl For
Spacious...Grain" Bug!
 
     * Composer of "America the
Beautiful" Katherine Lee Bates.
 
P's for P bug:
A. Carnegie:
philanthropic
PittsBUrGh Steel Bug!
 
Q's for Q Bug:
Marx, aka
QuackenBUsh (ne
Groucho) Bug!
 
R's for R Bug:
Michael Richards:
racist RaBid
JUnkyard DoG Bug!
 
S…? S bug: for
Messers Flatt and
Scruggs: two Southern
BlUeGrass Bugs!
 
T's for T bug:
Joseph Gibbs: a
Turncoat BUrgun-
dy 'n' Gold Bug!
 
U’s U Bug:
United Ara-
Bic RepUb' of
EGypt Bug!
 
V's for V Bug:
C. Bartholin*:
“VestiBUle...Va-
Gina” Bug!
 
     * The Younger.
 
W’s Bug is
Patrick Henry:
WilliamsBUrg Gun-
powder Bug!
 
X…? For X bug:
Ryken*: Xav’er-
ian Bro from
BrUGge Bug!
 
     * I.e., T. J. Ryken.
 
Y's for Y bug:
Rodgers:* "You've Got
Caref'lly to Be
TaUGht" Bug!
 
     * Richard, of course, not
Roy – note spelling (orthography,
of course, not Tori).
 
Z's for Z Bug:
Pike: Z-z-z-breeding
ZeBUlon Mont-
Gom'ry Bug!

An Ep(idem)ic of <-Ayds> (Unpub)

I’ve been afraid to've been array'd
(though most faux fears have been allay’d).
At thirteen I was "all the way"'d: 
bouquet'd, buffet'd, bidet’d, betray’d.  
 
I've been Calais'd. I’ve been Cathay’d.
In Mandalay, café au lait’d.
At luncheon, I was consomme'd --
and, for dessert, was creme brulee'd.
 
I've been crochet'd. I’ve been croquet’d. 
(God knows we all have been cliche'd.)  
I've been display'd, dismay'd, delay'd -- 
first dossier'd, then "lef' fer dade." 
 
I've been eBay'd, been "ev'ry day"'d.  
En fin, I've (fin'lly!) been filet'd. 
I've been Green Bay'd, been Jean Genet'd.  
(I've not (yet!) been Doc Holliday'd.) 

In Michigan I’ve been Imlay’d.
In Portugal, I've been Jose'd. 
In Mississippi…? KKK'd.
Portray’d, in oils by Tom Kinkade. 
 
Have I been laid…? Once -- by the maid:
she’d smear my vir with marmalade. 
At chez Norais, I’ve been “Nay! Nay!”’d;
nous sommes alles'd – or so they say’d.
 
I’ve been “ole!”d, though not obey’d.
I’ve pray’d to see The Big Parade.
In grade school I was PBJ’d.
(The principal…? One Randy Quaid…
 
…was spray’d with Raid, Swiss (Miss) chalet’d
and – oui! – touche’d with shiv-sharp spade.
In high school I was tooth decay’d.
In college I went underpaid.
 
We’ve – you ‘n’ me -- been “USA!”’d
Our depark’d cars left unvalet’d --
except when we’ve been wedding day’d,
our cells abandon’d, un-x-ray’d.
 
If those prove squamous, then we’re daid.
'Tis not a prospect to be “Yay!”d.
What must we do, before we fade…?
Speak, undismay’d, with Dr. Zaid.

Finger/Frank Fenomenology (Unpub)

Step 1: Position two hands, ideally yours, 

at eye level and in front of you at a distance 

of between 20 and 30 centimeters from your 

face. Extend your index fingers and point 

them towards each other.

Step 2: Gradually bring your index fingers 

together while looking through or past those 

fingers into the distance beyond them but 

continuing to maintain visual awareness of 

the tips of the fingers. (It helps if the back-

ground color differs from that of your fingers.

Step 3.1416…: Very soon there will appear

between your extended index fingers an 

image. You will find yourself witness to the 

famous "Hot Dog Hoax" -- a pseudo sausage 

roll initially blurred but gradually resolving 

into focus. This optical frankfurter consists 

of a blend of chimerical cuts -- rare beef, 

tender veal, juicy pork (pace Little Oscar), 

depending upon your religious preferences, 

and will also often feature a broad selection 

of favorite apocryphal condiments -- the 

so-called “Finger Fixin’s.”

Bon app!

A Dirtier Dozen: Cinematrivia (Unpub)

     Imagine a summer blockbuster in which "The Dirty Dozen" 

meets “The Last Supper.” Now imagine the credits.
 
Ken Buckle, who doubled for John Cassavetes,
who played Viktor Franko, co-stars as Simon Peter.
 
Gerry Crampton, who doubled for Telly Savalas,
who played Archer Maggott, co-stars as Judas Iskariot.
 
Joe Dunne, who doubled for Charles Bronson,
who played Joseph Wladislaw, co-stars as John the Apostle.
 
Romo Gorarra, who doubled for Jim Brown,
who played Robert Jefferson, co-stars as James the Greater..
 
Loren Janes, who doubled for Trini Lopez,
who played Pedro Jiminez, co-stars as Andrew the Apostle.
 
Terrence Plummer, who doubled for Donald Sutherland,
who played Vernon Pinkley, co-stars as Philip the Apostle.
 
Nosher Powell, who doubled for Clint Walker,
who played Samson Posey, co-stars as Bartholomew the Apostle.
 
Mike Reid, who doubled for Tom Busby,
who played Milo Vladek, co-stars as Matthew the Apostle.
 
Terry Richards, who doubled for Ben Carruthers,
who played Glenn Gilpin, co-stars as Thomas the Apostle.
 
Rocky Taylor, who doubled for Stuart Cooper,
who played Roscoe Lever, co-stars as James the Lesser.
 
Paul Westland, who doubled for Colin Maitland,
who played Seth Sawyer, co-stars as Jude Thaddeus.
 
The uncredited stuntman who doubled for Al Mancini,
who played Tassos Bravos, co-stars as Simon.