The Clash Mash Rehash: an excerpt from "The Wigg'd Pig Papers"

PlaysWell's newest Nonsense comes from guest blogger

DFH, with additional materials provided by EAH and GFH and

a final edit by UP. To date, the whole contraption consists of

50+ verses. But watch this space: the ultimate number and

ordering of verses has yet to be determined.

The Preface:

Once The Nation's Nightmare's dead,

herein's what Hist'ry hopes gets said:

The Poem:

He truly was; he didn't only...PLAY DUMB.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wumb...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

"I won in Fort Apache -- honest...IN-JUN."

Drumpf fought the law, and the ...law wun.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

"Have a paper tow'l, wet Puerto...RI-CUN."

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun.

Drumpf fought the law, and the ...law won.

"Archives...? They're my personal po-...SES-SION."

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

He paid to "show'r" Obama's bed with...UR-UN.*

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

* Or urine.

Spooner sang, "The drole Thumpf whang's a...HITCH-WUN'...

Lumpf drawt the faw, and the...waw lun..."

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Kelly drew Drumpf asking, "Where's my...DOON-GRUN*...?"

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

* A nod to political cartoonist Walt Kelly

and his nonsense-spouting Grundoon.

(Paraphrasing Carroll): "Snarks be...'BOO-JUN'.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

His presidency...? Pre-paid golf va-...CA-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

His goal...? A white, elite, plu-christian...NA-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the ...law won.

He'd finalize that Hitler-spawn'd so-...LU-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

That Drumpf did nothing wrong's a psycho's...NO-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

He bought, then renamed 'Drumpf,' the Arctic...O-CEAN.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

He shipp'd Latino immigrants to...GO-SHUN.*

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

* Ancient Egypt's Goshen, where

Hebrew "immigrants" were ghetto'd.

He craved his MAGA militants' de-...VO-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

His 2020 loss...? Antifa FIC-TION...?

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

He introduced 'covfeve' to our...DIC-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

That orange glow weren't kosher, just some...LO-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

His brother Fred Drumpf, Jr. binged on...BLUE NUN.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

No soul dared call Drumpf 'loser,' tho' he...WAS ONE.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

His mugshot: did Drumpf not look Churchill-...I-UN*...?

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

* Characteristically like Sir Winston; i.e., Churchillian.

His granddad ran a brothel in the...YU-KON.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the ...law won.

Judge Luttig thought Drumpf could be tried for...TREA-SON.

I fought the law, and the...law won...

I fought the law, and the...law won.

His strawb'rry clump; his too-plump grump; just...POOR PUN...?

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Truth Social Biden's people label'd...TRUTH SPUN.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

He loved "great statesmen" like Attila...THE HUN.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

He raped....while he upheld anti-a-...BOR-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Jean Carroll...? "Not my type, nor's Nancy...REA-GUN."

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

"Al Capone had Nitti. Where's my...ROY COHN...?"

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wohn...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Ivana died; he planted her on...TEE ONE.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

"I PhD'd...? At Oxford and the...SOR-BONNE."

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wonne...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Born on third, he claim'd to've hit a...HOME RUN. 

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 

Drumpf; "I won. I'll prove it: hold a...RE-RUN."

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Drumpf demanded everyone's a-...'TEN-SHUN.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.
 
Thoughts of brunch at Rikers made his...BOWELS RUN. 
Drumpf sought the loo, and the...loo wun... 
Drumpf sought the loo, and the...loo won. 
 
Fani’s probe weren’t even close to...BEIN’ DONE. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Mar-a-Lago's lava cake...? Best...BAR NONE! 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf made Tucker donate to Drumpf's...SLUSH FUND. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun'd... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
“Grabbin’ P words”...? Locker-room talk...SUCH FUN! 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf' was tot'lly gaga for his...PAL UN.* 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf was not six-three, tho' was one...GROSS TON.
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf misspent more lucre than did...EN-RON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
“Bleach,” he claim’d, "will cure it – bleach and...HOT SUN.” 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf, a daughter-dater, loath'd his...FIRST SON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf's administration play’d the...BIG CON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Melania...? A robot. So was...BAR-RON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Was late at County Courthouse down in...FUL-TON.
Drumpf. He fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf. He fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
His hands were tiny, leading to frus-...TRA-TION. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
If he'd win, he'd grant himself full...PAR-DON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
No knighthood for tno knave who'd call the...QUEEN "HON." 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf's "a stable genius," like pal...POOH-TON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf sold Nation’s secrets to some...SUL-TON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf claim'd Stormy said he pack'd a...LONG GUN. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
He cheated on his entrance tests at...WHAR-TON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
He were an even bigger crook than...NIX-ON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
His face was rusty orange, like his...RIGHT BUN. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Who oink'd, “I’m your Annointed One" now's...UN-DONE. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
None call'd him “Sir” once he got snuff'd in...PRI-SON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 

Looney Tune Varia

     Bugs Bunny's famous goodbye to his 'toon nemesis

Yosemite Sam ("So long, Sammy; see ya in Miami") 

has grown through the years into an iconic meme. But the Warner Bros badass rabbit bid "So long" to a host 

of celebrities. Below are a score.

   To Tarzan's honey:

"Auf Wiedersehen, Jane; see ya in Bahrain."

   To Addams Family butler:

"Arrivederch,' Lurch; see ya in Christchurch." 

   To "Morning Joe"'s Brzezinski:

"Happy trails, Mika; see ya in Topeka."

 

   To Masked Man's kemo sabe:

Hasta pronto, Tonto; see ya in Toronto."

   To "Deep Space Nine"'s Zek:

"Aloha, Grand Nagus; see ya in Las Vegas."

   To chorus girl Hart:

"After while, Roxie; see ya in Biloxi."

 

    To Moldavan footballer Zasavitchi:

"Toodle-loo, Eugen; see ya in Sheboygan."

    To alien from Ork: 

TTYL, Mork; see ya in New York."

    To TV Golden Age's Caesar:

Safe home, Sid; see ya in Madrid."

 

    To Othello's homie: 

"Ciao, Iago; see ya in Chicago."

    To Miley Cyrus's alter ego:
"Sayonara, Hannah; see ya in Atlan'a."

    To Miss Rose Lee:
"Au reservoir, Gypsy; see ya in Poughkeepsie."

    To TV's Ripa: 

"Godspeed, Kelly; see ya in New Delhi."

    To "Marketplace"'s Ryssdal: 

"Bon voyage, Kai; see ya in Mumbai."

    To Elvis's widow: 

"Adios, Priscilla; see ya in Manila."

    To crooner Crosby: 

"Bye-bye, Bing; see ya in Beijing."

    To spymistress Hari: 

"Catch ya later, Mata; see ya in Kolkata."

    To "Plan 9"'s Johnson: 

"Take it easy, Tor; see ya in Lahore.'"

    To Joyce's heroine Mrs. Bloom:

"Vale, Molly; see ya in Kigali.

    To Mrs. Calabash's Jimmy:

"Slan, Durante; see ya in Ypsilanti."

Numbers Don't Lie (Though Of Course The Drumpf Does, Constantly)

     Yesterday, Donald Drumpf surrendered to authorities in 

Georgia. Beneath the mug shot issuing from the booking he 

inserted the caption "Never Surrender!" WTF! Nonetheless...

     Factoid:

 

For Drumpf's Fulton County, Georgia rap sheet, the twice-

impeached, four times (to date) indicted ex-POTUS is listed 

as weighing 215 lbs. 215 lbs. WTF!

     Possible, If Unlikely, Explanations:

(1) Drumpf actually suggested the notation 2/5. His intention in 

employing the fractional equivalent of 40% remains obscure but

conspiratorial theories are already being formed.

(2) Drumpf's latent dyslexia suddenly kicked in, muddying his 

intention to admit to his true weight of 512 lbs.

(3) In an attempt to demonstrate his self-claimed astronomical 

IQ, Drumpf employed the Base-10 Number System in calculating 

the actual figure.

(4) Drumpf misunderstood the question, assuming authorities 

were requesting the area code of the Trump National Golf Course 

in Philadelphia.

(5) Drumpf incorrectly thought his questioners were inquiring  

about the time in Moscow. Drumpf wrote 215, failing to include

the decimal point or the 'a.m.' designation. (Perhaps inevitably, 

Drumpf was still off by two hours.)

(6) Drumpf calculated his tonnage in a Russian unit, the funt, 

and muddled the conversion from one unit to the other.

(7) Drumpf provided his weight as it would be determined on the 

Moon, where Space Force will eventually take him in aid of his 

flight from prosecution. 

(8) Surprisingly, the number is correct. Drumpf is, in fact, totally hollow.  

Four Perfect Calls; or, History Rhymes

1. British PM Churchill phones Vice Admiral Bertram Ramsay

on the eve of the evacuation of Allied forces from Dunkirk: 

“I just want to find 11,780 boats...” 

 
2. Dr. Seuss hero Bartholomew Cubbins phones King Derwin

regarding the lad's attempts to obtain dinner jackets to

accompany his new hat collection:

“I just want to find 11,780 coats...” 

 
3. Composer Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov phones Greek Muse Euterpe

as he prepares to compose “The Flight of the Bumblebee”: 

“I just want to find 11,780 notes...” 

4. Head of Avenel Books phones English professor Bergen Evans

asking him to assemble materials for a new dictionary:

"I just want to find 11,780 quotes..."

Rule Book

 “Do unto others as thou 
would have them unto you do"...? And how!

 This most golden of rules 
we are told by our schools -- 
by our families as well...then and now. 
 
The second-most-golden of rules...?
“Cast thee not before porkers thy jew’ls!” 
There's a parallel line: 
“Hurl not pearls before swine!” 
(Dudes who overlook either be fools.)* 

* Some mss show the line, "Dudes who

one or two don't do be fools" here, but

all are of a late date.