Spoona Hakuna

Hakuna matata: Swahili for ‘all’s A-OK!’

Ha! Tuna piccata: swell lemon-ghee-capers sauté.

     Moral:

All’s Swah’l that ends Swah’l.

Spooner Knees & Cocks

Trick knees: patella luxation.
Knick'd trees: white pine pilferation.
     Moral:
Bend 'em or lend 'em!
Ride a cock horse: 
an occurrence you brave in life 
when, a young gent, on Da's
bent knee you're set.
     "Hide a rock...? 'Course!": 
an assurance to knave cum wife, 
"I'll bury baubles you 
burglarize, Pet." 
     Moral:
Mind your hubby! Find your hobby!

Forecasting a Fake Faqir's Fate

His news is fake.

His nous is fake.

(His gnus…?

Fake too, folks feel.)

Now he, with

(thanks to Yiddish kin)

fake “…nu…?”s

may daily deal.

Still, we’ll make sure,

impeachin’ him,

the douche’s noose

is real.

Understudies

     “Ladies and gentlemen, in tonight’s performance of 
“Tintin Tours Tartarus II,” the roles of Thompson and Thomson 
will be played by…

…Ms. Theda Bara and Mr. Yogi Berra.”

…Mrs. Laura Bush and Mr. August Busch.”

…Ms. Willow Bay and Mr. Turhan Bey.”

…Mme. Marie Curie and Mr. Finlay Currie.”

…Senora Celia Cruz and Mr. Tom Cruise.”

…Ms. Jeanne Crain and Mr. Hart Crane.”

…Ms. Barbie Doll and Mr. Roald Dahl.”

…Little Miss Echo and Mr. Umberto Eco.”

…Ms. Tina Fey and Mr. Michael Faye.”

…Ms. Nadia Gray and Mr. Zane Grey.”

…Ms. Lena Horne and Mr. Paul Horn.”

…Mr. Harold Ickes and Mr. Dave Hickey.”

…Dick’s sister Jane and Alan Ladd’s Shane.”

…Herr Helmut Kohl and Ms. Natalie Cole.”

…Ms. Lois Lane and Mr. Frankie Laine.”

…Ms. Mary Lamb and Mr. Wifredo Lam.”

…Ms. Vivien Leigh and Mr. Pinky Lee.”

…Ms. Mary Tyler Moore and Sir Thomas More.”

…Mr. Louie Nye and Mr. Bill Nighy.”

…Ms. Tatum O’Neal and Mr. Eugene O’Neill.”

…Ms. Kimberley Po and Mr. Edgar Allan Poe.”

….Mr. Anthony Quinn and Ms. Butterfly McQueen.”

…Mr. John Rambo and M. Arthur Rimbaud.”

…Ms. Rene Russo and M. Jean Jacques Rousseau.”

…Ms. Rachel Ray and Mr. Alvino Rey.”

…Ms. Patti Smith and Mr. Ronald Eustace Psmith.”

...Ms. Sada Thompson and Mr. Virgil Thomson."

...Ms. Tori Amos and Mr. Kingsley Amis."

…Mr. Louis Untermeyer and Mr. Samuel Untermeier “

…Ms. Missouri Vaun and Mr. Robert Vaughn.”

…Ms. Fay Wray and Mr. Man Ray.”

…Ms. Kelly Winn and Mr. Keenan Wynn.”

…Herr Max Weber and Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber.”

…Ms. Loretta Young and Herr Carl Gustav Jung.”

…Senor El Zorro and Mrs. George Soros.”

Spoonani Magnani

Magnani stars with you-know-who*
(* Burt Lancaster): The Rose Tattoo.
     What follows on "the knees knit, Pooh, 
the heels braid, Owl"...? "The toes tat, Roo"...?
     Moral:
Tho' Tennessee (or A. A.) wrote it,
'tain't barbaric to misquote it. 

Spoon: Guns, Mobys, Days

Guns and knives...? Some gear retrieved 
from enemy incursion.
Nuns and gyves...? Some kinky brand 
of sexual perversion.
     Moral:
Don't fire until...(you know the drill).
Moby Dick's one tar's tall tale 
of eggshell whales I've read.
In Dough Be Mick, one Gael named Michael's 
made of gingerbread.
     Moral:
When Ahab preys, when Ahab slays,
when Ahab flays, lose "mild, mild day"s.
In The Days of Wine and Roses, 
alcoholics air their ills
while The Ways of Rhine and Doses
plies its path through plonk and pills.
     Moral:
Ope' not the door 
not there before.

Take a Haiku!

Boco  dofogo,  
ha -- Joka  "lomona"  pa:
quaro  SoTavo!  

Nine ten -- 1312!
Five! For 'three-to-one.' Zero:
Seven eleven!

Waxaya,  Zoba;  
ca  (dabaca) da fago -- 
hajaka loma...? 

Transliterations
are in progress as we speak.
Keep tabs on this space!

No poqorasa,
tova woxo yo zabo: 
codo boca...da.

I come to bury
the quality of mercy.
To be...? Or not to...?

Beboppa, Lula! 
Abadab: a dabadab!
Zizzi. Zizzi-zing...?

Come to the Stable, Jenius or the Oranges of Psychovfefe

     It's reported (perhaps accurately) that
it's reported in "Vanity Fair," 1/10/2020 that
pollster F. Luntz asks POTUS D. Trump what 
the J in his middle name stands for. "'Jenius'," 
POTUS replies. What goes -- again reportedly -- 
unreported...? The unorthodox orthography of 
a self-designated "Chosen One"'s subsequent 
elaborating rodomontade:

That J in my name 
stands for 'jenius.' 
As you know, I've got 
ALL the best words.
Polls are saying I've got 
the best letters as well. 
Dems don't get it: SAD! 
(Neither do Kurds.)

I've got A's, 
like the op'ning of 'ateball.' 
(Speaker P thinks 
she's got me behind it.)
I've got silent B's, 
left off 'subpenis' 
(Did I get one...? 
Who knows! I can't find it.)

I've got C's, 
like the C launching 'ceesick.' 
Silent D's I've got. 
('Wensdee' does, too.)
I've got E's (take 'Eeyago'), 
got F's, like in 'ffegy.' 
(Hey! Let's set Libs alight, 
nu...?)

I've got G's, like in 'Geeves.' 
(I like Brits who are white.) 
I've got H's, 
like ol' 'h-ed' Joe.
I've got I's, like in 'i-sore' -- 
those turbines offshore 
mar my golf course in Scotland. 
They BLOW!

The J, like I said, 
stands for 'jenius.' 
My K's...? For 'KASE KLOSED!,' 
like Barr said.
I've got L's, like in 'll-efant,' 
M's like in 'mm-press.' 
(One oval rooms roams; 
one I wed.)

I've got N's, 
like those kick-starting 'nn-ema,' 
which I need 
post my ninth Happy Meal.
I've got O's, like in 'oh-revwah': 
So long, Iran Deal! 
'Bye, Climate Accord! 
It's been real!

I've got P's -- silent P's! -- 
like in 'pcoup' (not like 'swimming'). 
The Deep State launch'd 
THOUSANDS of those.
I've got Q's like in 'q-tickle,'
R's like in 'rr-dvark.' 
My S...? 
(Where's my ss-kimo...?) 
Froze!

I've got T's, like 'tomane.' 
(Many people don't know this:
you get it 
off small chocolate cakes.)
I've got U's, like in 'ufemist.' 
(Hannity's one. 
Trump-brand purses from sow's ears 
Sean makes.) 

I've got V's, like in 'viener.' 
My viener's so-o-o-o BIG! 
Just ask Marla, 
Ivana et. al.
(Don't bother Melania. 
I tried. Said she, 
"Not tonight, Sir. 
I've got petit mal.")

I've got W's -- 'Dubya,'
world's second-worst POTUS. 
(Obama, of course, 
is the WORST!!
I've got X's, like 'x-it.' 
(Hey! Should I stay on 
post November...? 
I do "unrehears'd"!

I've got Y's, like in 'yysguys.' 
My White House is full of 'em: 
Miller...Pompeo...
Bob Barr... 
Z's in 'rondayzvooz' come. 
Z's in 'rondayzvooz' go. 
Soon I'll not recall 
who those men are. 

But, we'll all see what happens 
(a pluperfect call).
But, we'll all see what happens 
(it's finish'd: my wall).
But, we'll all see what happens 
(my fingers aren't small).
But, we'll all see...covfefe. 
So: thank...thank you...all.

Locus of Points

The Sphinx at Giza. The Tower of Pisa.

Casino Royale. The OK Corral.

Le Tour Eiffel. The Greensburg Well.

Vat Phou in Laos. A slaughterhouse.

The Capitol Dome. The Hippodrome.
Le Moulin Rouge. The Skyline Luge.

The Replica Ark. Comiskey Park.

The Taj Mahal. A mini-mall.

The Guggenheim. The five-and-dime.
L'Ile Grande Jatte. The laundromat. 
High-speed rail. The city jail.
The Kamo Shrine. A diamond mine.

Les Champs Elysees. The Dublin Quay.

Lee’s Boyhood Home. Saint Peter’s in Rome.

The Colosseum. The British Museum.
Angkor Wat. A vacant lot.

The Empire State. The Brandenburg Gate.
The Merchandise Mart. The Cathedral at Chartres.
The House of Lords. The Bolshoi boards.
Saint Vitus's nave. An unmark'd grave.

The Tweedles on Suits

“Plays ball, the Ass o' Di'monds do, "

droned Dum, as home his homey flew. 

"Plays golf as well, at local links.
We call 'im Ass o' Clubs. (He stinks!)
Plays soccer, too -- some Melbourne side" * 
"Be Ass of Hearts his name…?" Dee cried.
"Nope. Him we dubb'd," Dum answer'd back,
"the Ass o' Spades: his butt be black."

     * Perhaps Dee has in mind Melbourne 
City FC, known until recently as Melbourne 
Heart.

Runcible'd Spoonerisms and Nearspoons

The Gaza Strip: once holy lands.
The Stasi Grip hunts cold, mean hands.    
     Moral:
Loose lips closed don't get hosed!
When "Get a job!" you're task'd to do,
just jet a gob.* Then ask, "Says who...?"
     * To spurt, spout, gush or otherwise spit out 
a lump or blob of slimy or viscous substance -- 
in this case, a squirt of tobacco juice.
     Moral:
The unemploy'd seem so-o-o-o annoy'd.
The Borden Cow's now still'd her "Moo!"
The Corden Bow's when James gets through.
     Moral: (to come) 
  William, in the Norman Conquest,

crack'd the Saxon battlefront.

Harvey, in a Korman non-quest,

opted not to scavenge hunt.

     Moral:

Who'd vanquish England first must deem

to Plymouth rock and Bristol cream.
Cole Porter cribb'd Shakespeare 

to pen "Kiss Me Kate." 
Pole Courter wild women 
from Warsaw would date.
     Moral:
Taming shrews bests Venetian Jews.*
     * "Kiss Me Kate," based on the Bard's 
"The Taming of the Shrew," was Porter's 
longest-running show. "Shylock," a 1940 
Tamil-language musical adaptation of 
"The Merchant of Venice," failed com-
mercially. (Attention, film buffs: here's 
a film you'll never see on TCM.**)
     ** No prints of "Shylock" survive. 
Stephen Colbert hosts “The 
Late Show” on CBS. (He’s achieved 
household-word status already.)

Kyiv-in-Seoul Bear…? The Ukrainian Zoo
of Korea is home to the cutest darn teddy.

     Moral:
It's an Ursa made yer day.*
     * Suggested by GFH.
Pecos Bill, ol’ cowpokes say,

broke buckin’ broncs -- tye-yippee-yay! --

while Blake O’Spill gets thrown off bulls

at Lone Star cow-town tractor pulls.

     Moral:

No matter if your doggerel be solar or sublunar,

Do not let Herr Udishion run away with Rev’d Spooner!

Bunyan was the giant lumberjack

who ‘Paul’ was christen’d.

Pun-Yan, nicknamed “Bawl”…? 
The Chinese punster. (No one listen’d).

     Moral:

Pilgrim’s Progress…Giant’s Onions...

(Wait! Beware conflated Bunyans!)
Native princess Pocahontas:

John Rolfe loved her. (So did Disney.)

Drumpf derides and mocks this woman.

(Lay’n’ a “Hoax Upon Us,” isn’ he…?)

     Moral:
Ms. Warren ain't foreign!
Casey Jones…? A locomotive driver.

Crush’d! (Too graphic…?)

So: who sets out those orange thingies…?

J. C. Cones, from Traffic.

     Moral:
Stay in your lane 
or 'twill happen again.
Mister Clean – tough is the operative word --

kiss’d her mean. (Rough'd up his girlfriend, I heard.)

     Moral:

Baseboard, sink, tub and tile:

consummated. (With a smile.)
Vale of Tears…? A metaphor

for life’s distress. (Most dread it.) 

“Tale of Virs”…? A roman

‘bout the Roman men who tread it.*

     Moral:

Life before (and after!) death…?

‘Tis thought ’tis naught but shibboleth.

     * ‘It’ is intended to refer to the valley.

If that pronoun is heard as referring to

the metaphor, then the final line must be

amended to read “…men who spread it.”
Charles Dickens crafts a “Carol”

mending Scrooge, once landlord feral.

Darl’s* chickens…? Fancied birds

acknowledged not in Faulkner’s words.    

     Moral:

Charles’s cranks and spooks are curious.

Bundren’s boys…? Un”sound. And furi”ous!

     * Darl Bundren eventually goes mad

in William Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying.