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Monday, April 11, 2022

One Fine Day On Baker Street

Twin brothers has Sherlock. Their noms...?
First: Mycroft; next: Mycro(so)ft Holmes.
One solves crimes from his chair;
one deploys Windowsware®.
(Why's but one found in Conan Doyle's tomes...?)

Saturday, March 19, 2022

Gals, Guys & Gigs

     Professor of Barrier Reef Ecology:
Beulah Goone

     Teddy Roosevelt Biographer
Carrie A. Biggs-Dick: 

     Logistics Specialist
Moe d'Zopperandy

     Stand Up Comic
Liev M. Laphin: 

     Former Chinese Ambassador to France
Ho ("Ralph") Wa

Thursday, March 10, 2022

'-od's 'n' '-en's: 3/13ths of an ABC (11)

Arthropod as word ends ‘-od’; 

as bug, it's flaw'd 'cuz shodd'ly shod. 

Bogeymen as word ends ‘-en’; 

as trolls, they're less-than-pleasant men.

Cattle prod as word ends ‘-od’; 

as used, 'twill bruise a bovine's bod. 

Denizen as word ends '-en’; 

as citizen, was alien.

Emerod as word ends '-od';

as sore, it's more an act of God.

Foramen as word ends '-en';

as cut, it's...but that, fratr,' were then...

Sunday, March 6, 2022

Makin' You-Know-What (11)

Whoopee!, a musical produced by Flo Ziegfeld and

Sam Goldwyn and featuring the song "Makin' Whoopee,"

opened at the New Amsterdam, Broadway's oldest theatre,

in 1928. Three years later Emma Harris, Whoopi Goldberg's

mother, was born.


Within Savannah's vast savanna 

roosts the grus americana 

aka the whooping crane. 

For years, that plain proves crane’s domain. 


One year land ships. Sick souls slip off. 

(It seems same suffer whooping cough.) 

They hack. And honk. And then they “whoop!” 

(Flo Ziegfeld croons, “They’ve got the croup.”)

 

Said Ziegfeld, Goldwyn – Flo ‘n’ Sam -- 

in Times Square’s old New Amsterdam, 

near 1928 (or so), 

make Whoopee! -- does same Sam ‘n’ Flo.

 

(What else, in 1928, 

makes '28 again so great...? 

A company call’d Berwick Cake 

brands Whoopie Pies, for heaven’s sake.)

 

It twice three half-years later when 

is Emma Harris (years from then 

who births one Whoopi (different spelling))

born. [Excuse my tell: I’m kvelling.]


Ancient Romes and Middle Ages

flatulence find "all the rages." 

Whoopee cushions, farty bags 

and pootin' blasters* -- many tags --

 

...monopolize the fart-joke scene...

till Jared “Whoopee!” Kushner’s seen 

to 'surp their spot. So: “whoop-dee-do!”...? 

Says I, “big whoop!”’s more like. Don't you...?


* That the pootin' blaster bears any relationship

to the dear leader of Russia remains unverified.

Thursday, March 3, 2022

Merry in March! (11)

Put Christ back into Christmas!
Then complete the double play:
Remove Don from Donner!
Now, enjoy your holiday!

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

Lines Alter'd, Lines Dropp'd (11)

     From William Wordsworth's poem "Daffodils" 
originally entitled "Daffy Dilys: Indentured Char"  

I wandered lonely as a cloud
who'd launder'd only Massa's shroud...

     From Walt Whitman's book of verse "Drum Taps" 
originally entitled "Bum Raps: Wrongfully Jailed Florae" 

When lilacs last in the dooryard bloomed
then lied back, cast into the boneyard -- doom'd...

Monday, February 28, 2022

Who's the Patron Saint...? (11)

...of air conditioning technicians...?
St. Edward the Confessor the Compressor

...of tenants...?
St. James the Lesser the Lessee

...of spin doctors...?
St. Francis Xavier Savvier 

...of big box retailers...? 
St. Stanislaus Kostka Costco

...of the tall and plus-sized...? 
St. Pius the Tenth the Tent

...of spelunkers...?
St. Simeon Stylites Stalactites 

...of sufferers from sexually transmitted diseases...?
Bede the Venerable the Venereal
 
...of ambulance chasers...?
St. Therese of Lisieux of Let's Sue!
 
...of former Alcoholics Anonymous members...?
St. Bernadette Soubirous Sober...? You...?  
 
...of newsprint puzzle solvers...?
St. John of the Cross of the Crossword.
 
...of untalented ice-capades performers...?
St. Brendan the Navigator the Naff Figure-Eighter.
 
...of the long-suffering...?
St. Theresa of Avila of HalfaLoaf.
 
...of initiators of hostile takeovers...?
St. Thomas Aquinas AquireUs!
 
...of sufferers from eating and drinking disorders...? 
St. Hildegarde of Bingen of Bingin.'  
 
...of Arab Conservative politicians...?
St. John the Baptist the Ba'athist.
 
...of alternative medicine healers...?
St. Joseph of Arimathea of Aromatherapy. 
 
...of tiresome Irish storytellers...?
St. Charles Borromeo Bore o' Mayo.
 
...of edible seaweed farmers...?
St. Philip Neri Nori.
 
...of corrupt senators...?
St. Anthony of Padua of Pad-Your-Wallet.
 
...of chocoholics...?
St. John Bosco.
 
...of rogues and rascals...?
St. Joan of Arc of Arch.
  
...of uncontrollable potty-mouths...?
St. Martin of Tours of Tourettes.
 
...of practitioners of the filibuster...?
St. John the Divine the Defyin.'
 
...of highway civil engineers...?
St. James the Greater the Grader.
 
...of stand-up comics...?
St. Isaac Jogues Jokes.
 
...of couch potatoes...?
St. Ignatius of Loyola of Lie-All-Ovah.
 
...of refrigerator adhesive retailers...?
St. Albertus Magnus Magnet.
 
...of infatuates...?
St. Aloysius Gonzaga GoneGaga.
 
...of the morbidly obese...?
St. Augustine of Hippo of Hippos.
 
...of LGBTQs...?
St. Francis of Assisi of Us Sissies.
 
...of soothsayers...?
St. Bernard of Clairvaux of Clairvoyance.
 
...the easily horrified...?
St. Vincent de Paul d'Appall'd.
 
...of effete tipplers...?
St. Alphonsus Liguri Liquory 
 
...of closet drinkers...?
St. Joseph of Cupertino of Cup o' Tea, No...?
 
...of derelict alcoholics...?
St. Juan Capistrano CuppaSterno

Pay As He Goes (11)

We must dump Drumpf! That goes sans say.
But deed Drumpf dough to go away…?
Each man, each child, each woman should
who fathoms what for all’d be good!
Which voter 'cross the USA
would NOT dump Donald...doo-dah-day…
Each patriot could rave, "I gave
to save the homeland from that knave."
Each citizen would send a buck
to silence daffy Donald Duck.
I'll send a buck. Hey! I'll send two.
I’ll send a fiver!! Woudn't you…?

PfeffErminZ Days (11)

     PrephaEZe

circa 95 AD: The Book of Revelation's Fourth Apocalyptic Horseman -- 
     PEZtilence 

     PhaEZe One

1381: The PEZants's Revolt
1387: The earliest appearance of Chaucer's "Tale of Sir ToPEZ' 
1623: The birth of Blaise PEZcal 
1666: The foundation of western Russian city of PEnZa 
1830: The birth of Neo-impressionist painter Camille PEZsarro
1872: Phileas Fogg is joined by Jean PEZpartout in the former's 
     fictional journey around the world in under three months

     PhaEZe Two

1822: The birth of French chemist Louis PEZteur 
1879: The first performance of Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Pirates 
     of PEZance" 
1894: The birth of legendary blues singer PEZzie Smith  
1935: The premier of Gershwin and Spooner's "Borgy and PEZ"
1951: Cuban bandleader PEZi Arnaz co-stars with wife in 
     TV's "I Love Lucy"

     PhaEZe Three

1959: The death of tenor sax great Lester "PEZ" Young
1982: The beginnings of the rise of Lebanon's deadly PEZbollah
1988: The death of King of Rock Elvis PEZley
2020: The death of pop singer Trini LoPEZ

     PhaEZe Three Point One Four One Six...

2022: Former PEZident Drumpf chokes to death attempting
     to ingest mint dispenser featuring head of Michele Obama while
     screaming, "You can grab 'em by the PEZsy: they let you!" 

Litany Chanted Over Schrödinger's Box

Is he dead yet...? 'Yes' or 'No'...?  All'd 'God Bless!' if 'Yes,' you know.  Is he dead yet...? Don...