What If...? A Doggerel for the Dog Days

Were Christmas revels program'd on the 25th of June, 
might not such Christmases prove less than white...? 

If Christmas were rescheduled to July the 5th, high noon,

might surplus sparklers savage Santa’s flight...? 

If “Jingle Bells” were carol’d on the 4th or 5th of May, 
might Blitzen diss the hue of Rudolph’s nose...? 

If August 27th replaced the late December day, 
might Santa need to don some summer clothes...? 

If April 1st were designated "Fooltide" ("Yule de Fools"),

might gifts be of the gag variety...?

Might Claus replace his reindeer with a team of 20 mules...?

(A 20-mule-long sleigh I long to see.)

Were September 25th the day when Christmas gifts got gifted,

might "Back to School" sales get delay'd a week...?

If December 25th to March the 23rd were shifted,

might "The First Noël" get sung in ancient Greek...?

Were October's final day be call'd, instead of Halloween,

'Navidad,' 'Weihnachten,' 'Nollaig' or 'Noël,'

might tenenbaums get swapp'd, exchanged for sundry items green --

perhaps a past-its-sell-date baby chanterelle...?

Were February 25th New Christmas, driven from December

to a month with sev'ral fewer days,

might Santa opt his famous North Pole toy shop to dismember

and to manufacture toys in cheaper ways...?

Does November's final Thursday seem more apropos of turkey

than of fruitcake, Pannetone or Christmas goose...?

Still, if dinner without Grandma's green bean casserole feels quirky,

you have yet to learn the meaning of 'abuse.'

If January 25th my Christmas holiday'd become,

I think I simply couldn't stand to wait

that extra month: "Such putting off...? 'Tis nothing short of dumb!

I move we keep the once and future date."

El Condor Passacaglia; or, The Skeptical Sage

Even if...yes, even if he could
he'd neither be a hammer nor a nail.
"Being either would portend no good --
nor would I be a lancet or a grail."
     Even if...yes, even if he could
he'd neither be a hound dog nor a coon.
"Being either's bad; that's understood --
nor would I be a dart or a balloon."
     Even if...yes, even if he could
he'd neither be an angel nor a rake.
"I'll be not one nor other (knock on wood!) --
nor would I be transparent or opaque."
     Even if...yes, even if he could
he'd neither wander left nor amble right.
"Neither's worthy, in all likelihood --
and yet," he ponders, "whither lies the light...?"

Calendar Caliente in Couplets for August, 2023

     Published at PWWL years ago and 

currently more relevant than ever.

      (8/1)
It’s hot! (Tres hot: luke warm it's not.) 
Ann Miller got it: "...too darn hot!" 
     (8/2)
Da's AC's shot. Ma's…? Gone to pot. 
Cole Porter'd jot it: "...too darn hot!"
     (8/3)
It's hot! (Think not…? You don't know squat.)
So-o-o-o hot one's snot tends not to clot.
     (8/4)
One's nose approximates a Brät, 
while lucid thoughts turn most exot-
     (8/5)
-ic: dream scenes fraught with Lancelot 
and Ladies of Shalott, Mahat- 
     (8/6)
-ma Gandhi, Andy Kohut, Lot-
te Lenya, diva Montserrat
     (8/7)
Caballé, sheiks who reek of rot-
-ten leeks in oil of Bergamot, 
     (8/8)
or else Benoit B. Mandelbrot 
(whose fractal "aht" I like a lot).
     (8/9)
Be you quadruple bi-pass’d tot; 
be you the Hoople christen'd Mott; 
     (8/10)
don pinstripe, check or polka dot; 
inhab McMansh or vacant lot; 
     (8/11)
prefer weak tea or pepper pot 
(if tea, ami, that says a lot);
     (8/12)
be sri or sultan, late of Swat, 
prefer straight lace or gordian knot;
     (8/13)
be you robotic or karat-
-e maven -- you may need a shot --
     (8/14)
if not, at least some bottled wat'... 
("Some what…?" you query.) Water, twat!
     (8/15)
("Oo-o-o-oops! Just the fluid I'd forgot.") 
Who's else is hot (though Turandot...
     (8/16)
is not)…? Why, Robert Falcon Scott 
of the Antarctic: "...'Sbloody hot!"
     (8/17)
Who else is hot…? Hell's Margey Schott, 
pro-Nazi sot: "Mein Gott! Ich's hot!"
     (8/18)
(Who else is hot…? Anwar Sadat.) 
My cot, though in a shady spot,
     (8/19)
feels, lately, like a lobster pot: 
it makes me wish I'd got a yacht...
     (8/20)
...or could lay hands on your garrotte. 
At least, thank god, I  need not trot...
     (8/21)
...(tho' true, I do, more oft than not). 
But why's it hot...? Have you forgot...?
     (8/22)
America's a "melting pot." 
In any case, there lies this spot --
     (8/23)
it’s but a blot, a teensy dot – 
a beauty spot quite comely…? Not! -- 
     (8/24)
upon die Sonne...done! It's hot. 
(Or, like as not, some knotty plot...
     (8/25)
...of Aeroflot's, or, p'rhaps, Pol Pot's.) 
Kool-Aid, it's said's, verboten: "...Dot-
     (8/26)
-dot-dot-Dash-dash-dash-Dot-dot-dot..."* 
Yet, 'til the Trane Man** states he's got...
     * Morse code's 'S.O.S.'

     ** Not the great jazz tenor player but 

         the heating and air-conditioning maven. 

     (8/27)
...our S.O.S, it's still hot, wot! 
Some cooler spot to plant one's "bott"…?
     (8/28)
You'll find no tittle -- not one jot. 
Say...is it me or is it not...
     (8/29)
...just that much hotter since I sta't-
ed jotting down this Ode De Hot…?
     (8/30)
It's hot! So what…? There's simply 'not-'
hing to be done...but kvetch alot.
     (8/31)
Cole got it right: It’s too darn hot. 
(Ol' Cole's a rotter: too damn hot!)
     (9/1)
How's 'bout a cool September song…? 
("September In The Rain"’s not long.)

More Bad Mothers (from "Bum Mums, Nursery Edition")

      Goose 
A gander is her chauffeur,
an aide she paid big dough fer.
The head of her security's an owl.
And she...? She's, plain to see,
from clan Anatidae.
It's clear: the atmosphere here's (fairly) fowl.

The Changing's Hard At Buckingham Palace: the Dark Days & Darker Nights of Charles III

     i. 

A grave new world view greets the former 

Prince of Wales today.
For example, here's the king short hours ago:
"Unaccustom'd as I am to be king," 

Charles is heard to say --
whereupon he clicks his heels and stubs his toe.

     ii. 

Another day, it's speeches: Charles is 

handed an array --

vellum, Lorum ipsum filling ev'ry page.

"Unaccustom'd as I am to greeking," 

Charles is heard to say --

whereon he stubs his toe while exiting the stage.

     iii. 

December 25th, the king's most 

num'ro uno day.

(He has written Father Christmas for a pen.)

"Unaccustom'd as I am to peeking," 

Charles is heard to say,

I see failure to deliver yet again."

     iv. 

"The Palace boasts too many pillows 

cased in gold lamé,

sconces, paintings, clocks...but wait! I've an idea!

Unaccustom'd as I am t'antiquing," 

Charles is heard to say,

"let' us host an auction, then head to IKEA."

     v. 

Wembley! EFL Cup Final! 

Footie's finest day! 

And it's Chelsea versus Manchester United!

"Unaccustom'd as I am to streaking," 

Charles is heard to say,

"run with me; I guarantee you will be knighted."

     vi. 

"Those puddles in the throne room: mine...? Whose 

stains 'neath the bidet...?

And who can tell what puddling portends...?

Unaccustom'd as I am to leaking," 

Charles is heard to say,

"I have ruled the Palace purchase more Depends."

     vii. 

A grave new world view's led the former 

Prince of Wales astray.

Owns up Charles, "I figur'd being King'd be fun.

Unaccustom'd as I am to freaking," 

Charles goes on to say --

whereon a hand is seen unholstering a gun.

Right-wing Science

 When they posit how space-time is curv'd,
 they don't mean us to blast off unnerv'd,
 just that quarks they'd intended 

 to split ended bended.
 (To put the thing bluntly: they'd swerv'd.)

     So, to stave off our being ill-serv'd,

 somehow thinking their thinking's been perv'd,

 they'd scrap "Emc²"!

 (For that crap they've ne'er cared.)

 Thus appearances press on, preserv'd.

Bad Mothers & Others

     Mother Russia, Mother Divine, 

Mother Plucker, Mother Night: with so 

many bad mothers to choose from, 

one hardly knows where to begin.

     From "Bum Mums, Bible Edition"

 

Cain's mother -- already familiar with sin --

neglected to teach her tot: "Smite not thy kin!"

     Mrs. Noah concerned with t'where best beast pairs park,

nearly failed to find room for her boys on the ark.

     Moses's ma plopp'd her pup in the Nile.

What luck! He steer'd clear of that starv'd crocodile.

     From "Bum Mums, Nursery Edition"

 

Recall you that mother who dwelt in a shoe...?

Make no mistake: she knew just what to do. 

     Taking a page out of Marquis de Sade,

she spoil'd all her children...nor spared not the rod.

     With no bread on their plates and small broth in the pot,

she thrash'd 'em...then bedded 'em three to a cot.\

Here's a mum, one kin to Hubbards,

non-exempt from empty cupboards,

running short of bones to feed her Rover.

Thus her kids -- both girls and boys --

once they'd eaten all their toys,

rented sep'rate bedsits west of Dover. 

 

     Others

I know'f an ol' cove who caught COVID.

But the tale of his ailment this cove hid.
"No more grins, no more rhymes.
Doh! Such 'int'restin' times'!"
(Do, in lieu, view his new quid-pro-quo vid!)

Our asparagus broker's gone bust.

He's carnivorous! (Isn't he just.)

Still, Asparagus Man's 

ware's asparagus flans.

(Martha Stewart construes 'em "a must.")

It's gospel that the politician/varmint Gopher Cleveland

hails from nowhere in Ohio but a wholly make-believe land.

But half a mo -- there's still more:

Cleveland's VP, Mallard Fillmore,

has align'd with Jews for Jesus and removed to Tel Avivland.

Sibs of Celebs

     1. Younger brother of Holmes creator 

Siddhartha Conan Doyle,
is apprenticed to a mohel
and's finesser than Der Messer with his knife.
Hep to epee, shiv and foil,
Sidd can lance your weeping boil.
Who's his mate-de-mayhem...? Martha. (She's the wife.)

     2. Kid sister of famed Civil War general 

Lizzie Simpson Grant

is devoted to her aunt.

Whither Aunt Corisma visits, Liz is there.

Is this Liz a sycophant

or some State Department plant...?

Nope, Ms. Liz is but Aunt's Class II legal heir.

     3. Rags-to-riches kid brother of famed New Critic

"Rabbit" Penn Warren

appears, to some, foreign.

It seems, though, his story's mundane.

In fact, he's Andorran.

(As promised, it's borin':

his mum was some slum bitch from Spain.) 

     4. Ne'er-do-well sister of business magnate 

Blondie Rockefeller:

had this gal been born a feller,

she'd have shared in brother John's ill-gotten gains.

But instead the girl turn'd heller --

her descent from grace quite stellar.

Blondie's tale reads like some narrative of Twain's.

          (a work in progress)  

     5. Older brother of telecom pioneer 

Ellis Sandor Graham Bell

     6. Bright young thing sister of American novelist

Florida Madox Ford

Circe Jo Walcott 

Annie Mae Armstrong-Jones

Hank Lloyd Wright 

Lance Christian Anderson

"Texas" Zorba

Miranda Gandhi

Mohan Sebastian Bach

Mame Fennimore Cooper

Boris Kerns Goodwin

Jeeves Saint Laurent

 

     And in yet another unrelated category: 

Jonah Pharque

Macan M. Pei

Upton O'Goode

Meet Your "Nay!" Boors!

Fig. A from the
"Support Your Local Candid Hate"
Department

Pramila Jayapal's Proposed New Flag For Israel

 

Casey DeSantis's ABC

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