Two Dozen Roes By Other Names

Explorer Vasco da Gamete (per GFH) 

British-American actress Samantha Egger 

Rock singer Joe Cockerel 

Assyrian king Ashurbanipullet 

Vaudeville star Souffle Tucker 

The funny papers' Alley Oeuf (per GFH)

New Jersey hair-transplant surgeon Al Bewmen 

Moliere's hypocritical Tartoeuf 

Shakespeare's melancholy Dane Homelette 

US Congressman Roe Khanna 

Crusader nemesis Egg Saladin (per GFH)

China's Chairman Mayo 

Paper magnate Art Boyle 

Gary Cooper's Sergeant Yolk (per GFH)

Wyatt Earp sidekick Doc Hollandaise (per GFH) 

Illegitimate son of Emperor Frederick II Embryo of Sardinia

TV hostess Ovum Winfrey

Ohio Senator Shirred Brown 

Tennis legend Andre Eggassi 

Mexican artist Friedegg Kahlo

Failed US general George Armstrong Custard

Jazz pianist Quiche Jarrett

Pop singer Egglebert Humptydumpt

Civil rights activist Malcolm Eggs

What Is History...? Quiz The Supporting Cast!

History...? It's bunk alright.

(It's likewise caca, crap and shite.)"

                  -- Daphne Moon 

"It fails to repeat itself, 

nor does it rhyme.
Lately, in fact, 

it can barely keep time."

                  -- Ethel Mertz 

"Lots of in toto agreed-upon lies

limn'd by those 'toto'litarian guys."

                  -- Cosmo Kramer

"It's like an onion. Why...?

Design'd to make me cry.

(Rife skins beneath each skin

I take no interest in.)"

                  -- Maynard Krebs 

Comic/Novel: A Worladdo* in Sixteen Rundles

          *Word Ladder Doggerel

     Rundle the First 

Who kvells o'er best-sellers deem'd humorous...? 

Who's fond of a novelty comic...?

(Not plays on words, lately so numerous,
nor volumes Islamic or psalmic.)

     Rundle the Second 

To friends I'm commending this verse
flaunting twain -- spheres urbane and bucolic.
'Tis ironic: laconic yet terse...
a frolic which kindles no colic.

     Rundle the Third 

Do they lure, stanzas lurid, acidic -- 

hydrochloric, sulfuric or folic...? 

Or's your palate for po'sy bromidic...?

Better stick with the soapy and olic.

     Rundle the Fourth 

If, however, you're fond of the Don*

and the verse gracing Shakespeare's First Folio,

here's, at last, lines to cast eyes upon

as you channel your anti-Malvolio.

     *Quixote not Drumpf

     Rundle the Fifth 

Did, in '21, Franklin catch polio

as he trumpeted lim'ricks by Lear...?

Nonsense! Franklin engaged in el coleo

in the streets of Caracas that year.

     Rundle the Sixth 

Salmonella in Delano's pollo

doubtless help'd provoke paralyzed legs.

(In the end, he luck'd out: else that boyo

might have dragg'd out his days on two pegs.)

     Rundle the Seventh 

Survey takers and like-minded souls

gath'ring market research for a living

bring to light the results of their polls:

most tragedies read unforgiving.

     Rundle the Eighth* 

Where you dwell may be villa or veldt

and your home pasture, parkland or polis;

this result's ever noted and felt:

tragic tomes leave us homeless and goalless!

      *Research has determined that this eighth 

        rundle, extraneous to the poem's form, 

        must be an insertion made by a hand or 

        hands differing from that or those which 

        composed the original worladdo.

     Rundle the Ninth 

Academics accessing the Arctic,

those who haunt one or both of the poles,

fin'lly find such a sojourn cathartic

if and when they steer clear of the holes.

     Rundle the Tenth 

Might your socks rate a darn using angora yarn...?
Might your boots require bolst'ring of soles...?
Yes, when cleansing a barn in Champigny-sur-Marne

or if hauling, to Newcastle, coals.

     Rundle the Eleventh

Trust me, Reader, for I am in sales.

I know all which, in reading, is best:

sailors' tales of substantial white whales

and how cowpokes 'n' -babes won the West.

     Rundle the Twelfth

Says God to whoe'er misbehaves,

"Amen, amen, eh...? Jesus saves!

And how! Be thou tycoons or slaves...

and He does so from cradles to graves."

     Rundle the Thirteenth

Try the Traveling Dzhokhar Tsamaeves

& Xiao Dan Bo Ming Tao Combined Shows!

Ev'ry critic save one's printing raves.

(Their new off'ring's a hit, d'you suppose...?)

     Rundle the Fourteenth

 

With lyrics by Comden and Green

and a prize-winning score by Ravel,

their new staging of "Bathing Machine"

is performing, wherever play'd, well.

     Rundle the Fifteenth 

Since view'd contemplating his navel,

poor William of Orange has died.

He's interr'd in the forest primaeval

in his zest-coated marmalade hide.

 

    

     Rundle the Last

Dost thou dwell in some down-county seat,

in a hole-in-the-wall or a hovel...?

I care not if you live on the street:

you can't not love a good comic novel!

Natal Nocturnes

Natal day; fatal day. 

View'd-towards-grave-from-cradle day.

Something common; something weird:

Occam's razor; Plato's beard.

Fatal day; natal day.

Runcibleized ladle day.

Ada's woodshed; Meinong's jungle.

E. St. Vincent Rumsey-Bungle.

Natal day; fatal day.

Hansel's sister Gretel day.

One thing only (two at most):

Farder'd sun and ol' Lee's ghost.

Fatal day; natal day.

Showers likely: grey, dull day.

Alf's MacGuffin; Charlie's Tramp.

Uncle Fritzie's Odes de Gamp.

Natal day; fatal day.

Level 7, grade L day.

All things equal, nothing's fair:

blasted castles in the air.

Fatal day; natal day.

Mortgaged heaven, paid hell day.

Homer's Hector; Joyce's Bloom.

(Joyce's Molly, if there's room.)

"Natal day; fatal day," 

Mame the chambermaid'll say.

"Nothing standard; nothing rare:

Lenin's scissors; Marx's hair."

Fatal day; natal day.

"Dreidle, dreidle, dreidle," eh...?

Shakespeare's Pistol; Chekhov's gun.

Done...though, while it's lasted, fun.

The Seven-Tier Itch

The folk who suffer itchy eyes: 

with that whole lot I sympathize.
For ev'ry bloke with itchy nose 

my fellow feeling only grows.
     I know; I get it: itchy ears 

will always hinder how one hears,
nor is there nowt that fully calms 

the agony of itchy palms.
     Inform me: when's an itchy throat 

not altogether get my goat!
Moreover, as for itchy skin -- 

who there amongst us hasn't been...?

    Indeed, I'm itchy ev'rywhere, 

and it's so (blank'ty-blank) unfair.
(I shall herein pass over -- natch' -- 

that patch I'm not allow'd to scratch.)  

Generations

Born between eighteen 'n' seventy-one 
and eighteen 'n' eighty-plus-nine, 
your so-call'd New Worlders had minimal fun, 
although rarely were heard they to whine. 

Between eighteen 'n' ninety and nineteen aught-eight, 
your so-call'd Hard Timers were born. 
The years they grew up in proved even less great, 
leaving Timers bereft and forlorn. 

From the turn of the cent'ry through World War One.

your Lost Generation arrived. 

Oodles died in that war, tens of thousands and more, 

whereas some few survived -- indeed, thrived. 

     (More to come; a work in progress) 

'Oyster' Stew

         It's yer choice ter read. It's yer choice ter not read.

Her palms were growing moister by the minute.
"You, there, boy: stir that pot...and all what's in it!"
She wander'd 'round the cloister night and day;
her green Rolls Royce turn'd right, then sped away.
To foist her on our fam'ly...? Bad idea:
she's Joyce Terrazzo; she's got diarrhea.
Her uncle work'd a hoist; her aunt...? No way!
(I play'd Ralph Roister Doister in that play.)

Oh! Pun House

Stated simply, there's no place like "'Home'onym."

Do indulge me! I'll demonstrate why:

Sporting floors fashion'd fully from florins

(graft I'd gather'd near Ghent last July),

all its walls are well-wallow'd in walnuts,

while its ceiling's a seal's ink-stain'd skin.

More, adorn'd are its doors with adorable ores.

As you're passing, why don't you drop in...?

'Home'onym: that's where the heart is --

in each stone, in each stair, in each stud.

It's a cross between Tara and TARDIS,

with a mud room enmired in real mud.

Its attic's dramatic; its cellar is stellar.

Its roof...? Truffle-proof. (Would I lie...?)

Again I repeat: it's home and its sweet.

When you're passing, why don't you drop by...?

Peddlers

Mon père is a peripatetical peddler

from Saint-Semiosis-sur-Sea. 
With a purposeful heart Pap advances his cart

through each street, bleating, “Take it from me: 
I’ll supply you with hairpins 'n' buttons 'n' combs; 

I’ll provide you with scissors 'n' knives; 
I’ll equip you with wares to embellish your homes 

and to brighten your otherwise lives." 

Ma mère...? She's a chary, heretical peddler

from Saint-Semiosis-sur-Sea

who's decided God's dead, that we've all been misled,

but by Truth we'll, en fin, be set free.

She'll supply you with manuals, pamphlets 'n' tracts;

she'll provide you with trenchant accounts;

she'll equip you with books to embellish the facts

from her fav'rite sophistical founts.

Mon frère is a square arithmetical peddler

from Saint-Semiosis-sur-Sea,

one who vends from a box arm'd with jimmy-proof locks

(a magician friend vanish'd the key).

He'll supply you with numerals, zeros 'n' fractions,

provide you with pluses 'n' minuses;

he'll equip you with functions allowing transactions

more knotty than Thomas Aquinas's.

Ma soeur is a purely genetical peddler

from Saint-Semiosis-sur-Sea,

one who mongers her wares via markets 'n' fairs.

Former student of Mendel is she.

She'll supply you with molecules, proteins 'n' genes;

she'll provide you with DNA chains;

she'll equip you with diploids (whatever that means)

and her crib notes from sim'lar domains.

Her brother's another prophetical peddler

from Saint-Semiosis-sur-Sea,

he whose cart, as a rule, had been lugg'd by a mule,

but is now borne about by a bee.

He'll supply Tarot cards 'n' small lot-casting shards;

he'll provide you with crystalline globes;

he'll equip you with rods for determining odds

and those 8-Balls that expedite probes.

My niece...? An obese hypothetical peddler

from Saint-Semiosis-sur-Sea.

As her stock's very small, she needs no cart as all.

There's some merch the girl offers for free.

She'll supply you with theorems, axioms, rules;

She'll provide you with postulates new.

She'll equip you with schema as well. Only fools

are not ready for bed when she's through.

Ma tante is a haunted poetical peddler

from Saint-Semiosis-sur-Sea

who recites with a trill and who writes with a quill

and exists, in a word, sans-souci.

She'll supply you with verses in meters 'n' rhymes;

she'll provide you with sonnets 'n' ballads;

She'll equip you with po'sy from long-bygone times --

and her random rhetorical salads...

...whereas I'm but a shy alphabetical peddler

from Saint-Semiosis-sur-Sea

bearing wares in a rack that I tote on my back

which allows me, while peddling, to pee.

I'll supply you with Ws, Xs 'n' Zs;

I'll provide you with ashes 'n' wyns;

I'll equip you with lambdas 'n' thetas 'n' psis --

plus a futhark or two, for my sins.

The Clash Mash Rehash: an excerpt from "The Wigg'd Pig Papers"

PlaysWell's newest Nonsense comes from guest blogger

DFH, with additional materials provided by EAH and GFH and

a final edit by UP. To date, the whole contraption consists of

50+ verses. But watch this space: the ultimate number and

ordering of verses has yet to be determined.

The Preface:

Once The Nation's Nightmare's dead,

herein's what Hist'ry hopes gets said:

The Poem:

He truly was; he didn't only...PLAY DUMB.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wumb...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

"I won in Fort Apache -- honest...IN-JUN."

Drumpf fought the law, and the ...law wun.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

"Have a paper tow'l, wet Puerto...RI-CUN."

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun.

Drumpf fought the law, and the ...law won.

"Archives...? They're my personal po-...SES-SION."

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

He paid to "show'r" Obama's bed with...UR-UN.*

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

* Or urine.

Spooner sang, "The drole Thumpf whang's a...HITCH-WUN'...

Lumpf drawt the faw, and the...waw lun..."

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Kelly drew Drumpf asking, "Where's my...DOON-GRUN*...?"

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

* A nod to political cartoonist Walt Kelly

and his nonsense-spouting Grundoon.

(Paraphrasing Carroll): "Snarks be...'BOO-JUN'.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

His presidency...? Pre-paid golf va-...CA-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

His goal...? A white, elite, plu-christian...NA-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the ...law won.

He'd finalize that Hitler-spawn'd so-...LU-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

That Drumpf did nothing wrong's a psycho's...NO-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

He bought, then renamed 'Drumpf,' the Arctic...O-CEAN.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

He shipp'd Latino immigrants to...GO-SHUN.*

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

* Ancient Egypt's Goshen, where

Hebrew "immigrants" were ghetto'd.

He craved his MAGA militants' de-...VO-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

His 2020 loss...? Antifa FIC-TION...?

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

He introduced 'covfeve' to our...DIC-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

That orange glow weren't kosher, just some...LO-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

His brother Fred Drumpf, Jr. binged on...BLUE NUN.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

No soul dared call Drumpf 'loser,' tho' he...WAS ONE.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

His mugshot: did Drumpf not look Churchill-...I-UN*...?

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

* Characteristically like Sir Winston; i.e., Churchillian.

His granddad ran a brothel in the...YU-KON.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the ...law won.

Judge Luttig thought Drumpf could be tried for...TREA-SON.

I fought the law, and the...law won...

I fought the law, and the...law won.

His strawb'rry clump; his too-plump grump; just...POOR PUN...?

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Truth Social Biden's people label'd...TRUTH SPUN.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

He loved "great statesmen" like Attila...THE HUN.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

He raped....while he upheld anti-a-...BOR-TION.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Jean Carroll...? "Not my type, nor's Nancy...REA-GUN."

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

"Al Capone had Nitti. Where's my...ROY COHN...?"

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wohn...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Ivana died; he planted her on...TEE ONE.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

"I PhD'd...? At Oxford and the...SOR-BONNE."

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wonne...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Born on third, he claim'd to've hit a...HOME RUN. 

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 

Drumpf; "I won. I'll prove it: hold a...RE-RUN."

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Drumpf demanded everyone's a-...'TEN-SHUN.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun...

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.
 
Thoughts of brunch at Rikers made his...BOWELS RUN. 
Drumpf sought the loo, and the...loo wun... 
Drumpf sought the loo, and the...loo won. 
 
Fani’s probe weren’t even close to...BEIN’ DONE. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Mar-a-Lago's lava cake...? Best...BAR NONE! 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf made Tucker donate to Drumpf's...SLUSH FUND. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun'd... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
“Grabbin’ P words”...? Locker-room talk...SUCH FUN! 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf' was tot'lly gaga for his...PAL UN.* 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf was not six-three, tho' was one...GROSS TON.
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf misspent more lucre than did...EN-RON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
“Bleach,” he claim’d, "will cure it – bleach and...HOT SUN.” 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf, a daughter-dater, loath'd his...FIRST SON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf's administration play’d the...BIG CON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Melania...? A robot. So was...BAR-RON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Was late at County Courthouse down in...FUL-TON.
Drumpf. He fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf. He fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
His hands were tiny, leading to frus-...TRA-TION. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
If he'd win, he'd grant himself full...PAR-DON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
No knighthood for tno knave who'd call the...QUEEN "HON." 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.

Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf's "a stable genius," like pal...POOH-TON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf sold Nation’s secrets to some...SUL-TON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Drumpf claim'd Stormy said he pack'd a...LONG GUN. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
He cheated on his entrance tests at...WHAR-TON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
He were an even bigger crook than...NIX-ON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
His face was rusty orange, like his...RIGHT BUN. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law wun... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
Who oink'd, “I’m your Annointed One" now's...UN-DONE. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won. 
 
None call'd him “Sir” once he got snuff'd in...PRI-SON. 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won... 
Drumpf fought the law, and the...law won.