In the Spirit of the Sprats

         (0)

     The Archetype:

      Mother Goose's 

      Jack Sprat 

      & His Wife 

Jack Sprat 
could eat no fat.
His wife*
could eat no lean. 
   And so, betwixt

the two of 'em, 
they lick'd the platter
clean. 

     *In some sources, Jull; 

      in others, Jill.

     The Knockoffs: 

     Nine Songs 

     (Including Their Subjects' 

     Authors & Sources)

     in the Spirit of the Sprats.

          (Explanatory Notes -- 

          Where Deemed Necessary -- 

          Will Be Forthcoming.)

          (1) 

     The Laughing Buddha 

     & the Fasting Buddha 

The Fasting Buddha 

lasts on, you'd-a 

thought, one grain 

of rice.*

   The Laughing Buddha 

binges food. A

virtue...? 

Or a vice...? 

     *This tale, in which Gautama 

survives each day of a fast on but 

a single grain of rice, appears in 

several Indian sources, including 

the Pali Canon. 

          (2) 

     Edwin Abbott Abbott's

     A Line Segment

     & A Sphere 

     (From "Flatland")

Dimensions...? One 

(one's next to none!) 

each "Flatland" Line

has got, 

   whereas each Sphere 

boasts three, we hear -- 

which makes 'em 

tough to spot.* 

     *In each moment it passes 

through a world of two dimensions, 

the three-dimensional sphere 

appears as one or another circular 

section of itself.

          (3) 

     E.C. Segar's 

     Olive Oyl 

     & Bluto 

     (From "Thimble Theatre") 

 

No zaftig goil, 

our Olive Oyl: 

she's trying 

Oprah's diet. 

   Should Bluto choose 

some pounds to lose...? 

Indeed! He needs 

to try it.

          (4) 

     Jackie Gleason's 

     Ralph Kramden 

     & Ed Norton 

     (From "The Honeymooners") 

He drives a bus -- 

Ralph Kramden does. 

Long sitting 

leaves him fat, 

   while Norton's slim. 

What's up with him...? 

No perchin' 

on his prat.

          (5) 

     Hal Roach's 

     Stanley Laurel 

     & Oliver Norville Hardy 

     (From "Way Out West" et al.) 

Mr. Hardy 

(nicknamed "Lardy"): 

broad of butt 

and bust, 

  while breeze, tho' soft, 

lifts Stan aloft -- 

albeit just 

a gust.

          (6)

     Miguel de Cervantes's 

     Don Quixote 

     & Sancho Panza 

Slim horse, slim rider, 

neither wider 

than Quixote's 

lance, 

   whereas Don's chum's

so plump of bum 

he's cursed: 

he'll burst his pants.

          (7) 

     Washington Irving's 

     Ichabod Crane 

     & Baltus Van Tassel 

     (From "The Legend 

     of Sleepy Hollow")

A stick, a rod:

that's Ichabod, 

who scorns 

the dinner bell. 

   Von Tassel, though, 

devours fried dough. 

(Resembles it 

as well.)

          (8) 

     Jean de Brunhoff's 

     Babar the Elephant 

     & the Rich Old Lady 

     (From "Histoire de Babar")

This thin old crone's

but skin 'n' bones, 

while Babar's 

plu-obese.

   That pachyderm 

grows fat 'n' firm 

by scarfin'

sans surcease. 

          (9) 

     Andre Maurois's 

     King Plumpapuff the Patapouf 

     & the King of the Filifers 

     (From "Patapoufs et Filifers")

King Plumpapuff 

can't get enough 

of eat et drink...

...et joie.

   The Filifer 

cries, "Non, monsieur! 

No Crêpes Suzettes 

pour moi." 

Curious Collaborations

     Sketches in the Spirit of the Sprats -- But With A Twist

 

Some years ago, artists 

Fernando Botero and 

Alberto Giacometti joined 

forces to execute a series 

of portraits of famous

pairs of characters from 

world culture created, in 

many of these cases, by 

famous authors -- characters 

who were usually portrayed 

as mutually thin and fat.

Against expectations however, 

Botero, famous for rendering 

his subjects as extremely full-

figured, elected to portray the 

thinner of the two characters 

in his signature style, while 

Giacometti, well- known for his

treatment of subjects as almost 

painfully thin, chose to portray 

the normally fatter of the 

characters in that style for which 

he was famous. Sadly, both artists 

died before even a single of their

projected works was completed. 

However, several preliminary 

sketches have recently come 

to light; a few appear below. 

Stanley Laurel & Oliver Norville Hardy 
(An Incomplete Sketch) 

Of Pontiffs, Personas and Potables: A Rhyme Spree

Each verse in the 

poem below selects 

from two to four 

beverages ("pick'd 

poisons"), the last-

mentioned of which 

is always crème de 

menthe, then matches 

them in several ways 

with ten or twelve 

celebrities ("paired 

personalities"), often 

(but not always: 

see the last line)

including the tenth

pope called Pius,

while showcasing 

various iterations

of end rhymes. 

The result is an open-

ended potableoozza 

of nectars and 

notables designed 

both to entertain 

and to exercise one's 

cultural memory. 

Sainte! 

     (Prelude) 

Beer (or wine)

and Gertrude Stein --

whose rose is most surely 

a rose -- 

then wine (or beer)

and Edward Lear -- 

mit a ring at the end of 

his nose...

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X.

    (1) 

A shot 'n' a Bud 

mit Captain Blood,  

Naomi Judd 

and Elmer Fudd. 

     Compari 'n' soda 

mit Val Vigoda, 

the Jedi knight Yoda 

and Carol Ann Doda. 

     Kumquat juice 

mit Clare Boothe Luce, 

Robert the Bruce 

and Bullwinkle Moose... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (2) 

A lager 'n' lime 

mit Helen Grime, 

George.Orwell's Syme 

and Harpo the mime. 

     Bathtub gin 

mit Sergey Brin, 

Anaïs Nin, 

Loretta Lynn, 

Mark Twain's Huck Finn, 

the Mighty Quinn, 

Ho Chi Minh 

and Rin Tin Tin... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (3) 

Muscatel 

mit Doctor Bell, 

Little Nell 

and the underworld's Hel. 

     Côte du Rhone 

mit Titus Groan, 

Al Capone 

and "Lois Loan." 

     Earl Grey, hot, 

mit Mandelbrot, 

Sodom's Lot 

and Nietzsche's Gott... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (4) 

Cutty, neat, 

mit Minos of Crete, 

Cody Poteet 

and Pistol Pete. 

     Chardonnay 

mit Carla Bley, 

Joel Grey, 

Doris Day, 

Danny Kaye, 

Ella Mae, 

Martha Raye 

and Old Dog Tray... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X.

     (5) 

A 'tini, stirred, 

mit Richard III,

Larry Bird 

and Jesus ("The Word") 

      A pot o' tea 

mit Sandra Dee, 

Nanny McPhee,  

Syngman Rhee, 

Samantha Bee, 

Kenny G, 

Pinky Lee 

and Mr. T...

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (6) 

A Guinness Stout 

mit Morse's Grout, 

Kilgore Trout 

and Dev the mahout.

     A whiskey sour 

mit Rutger Hauer, 

Andre Braugher 

and Adenauer, 

Marge and Gower, 

the Little Flower, 

Arthur Lauer 

and Tower of Power... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (7) 

Absinthe Frappeé 

mit Brother Ray, 

the Brothers Kray,

Anita O'Day, 

Cassius Clay, 

Marin Marais, 

Turhan Bey,

Anouk Aimee, 

Fifi Dorsay, 

Dorian Gray, 

Francis Lai 

and Kitty O'Shea... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (8) 

Two fingers of rye 

mit Laurie and Frye, 

Jasmine Guy 

and Louie Nye. 

     One for the road 

mit Woody Strode, 

Mr. Toad 

and the family Joad. 

     A pint of your best

mit Christopher Guest,  

Ms Mae West 

and (surely you've guess'd)... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (9) 

A glass of water 

mit Gabriel Kotter, 

Harry Potter 

and Lavransdatter. 

     A vodka 'n' tonic 

mit Harry Connick, 

Philip Harmonic 

and 16-bit Sonic. 

     Scotch on the rocks 

mit Wally Cox, 

Ronald Knox 

and Hillary's Socks... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (10) 

Plonk over ice 

mit Gigi Gryce, 

Vincent Price 

and Scary Spice. 

     Hair o' the dog 

mit Philleas Fogg, 

the OT's Og 

and the fire-drake Smaug.  

     Vin ordinaire 

mit Hud from "Hair," 

Philip the Fair 

and Sonny sans Cher...

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X.

     (n) 

A four-ale flight 

mit Orville Wright, 

Horace Heidt 

and Honor Bright. 

     Dry vermouth 

mit George ("Babe") Ruth, 

Sojourner Truth 

and John Wilkes Booth. 

     A 7 'n' 7 

mit cousin Kevin, 

Dayna Devon 

and Ocean's Eleven... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius the nth.

THE DAMP HENS: "The Millponds of God..."

 

Per(ec)iodic Table

A constrain'd array of constrain'd arrays a famed OuLiPian may enjoy.

THE DAMP HENS: "There is a tide..."

 

THE DAMP HENS: "The arc of history..."

 

THE DAMP HENS: "Some hens are born damp..."

 

Is He Dead Yet...?

 

Tears for the Red, White & Blue (Plus Two)

His MAGA baseball cap is red. 

Or else just hair sits there instead:

there's rarely nothing ON his head, 

tho' often nothing IN it.      -- ed. 

All cred he MAY have had has fled. 

His vices stretch from A to Zed. 

Most ev'rything around him's dead. 

How sad 'twas just his ear that bled.

He's sev'ral blondine bimbos wed. 

(I discount those beneath his bed.) 

"I say," says he, "stuff Hitler said." 

(At least Herr Hitler's said to've read.)

His endless ties are red as well. 

He lathers up with tanning gel

then tweets, "I EARNED THAT  PEACE NOBELL." 

(He, sadly, never learn'd to spell.) 

He'll presidential pardons sell. 

The Gettysburg Address as well... 

...and try to pawn the Liberty Bell.

No guard rails slow his march to hell. 

The business suits he dons are blue. 

His go-to...? "What would Putin do...?" 

Plus ditto Netanyahu, nu...? 
(He's also awf'lly quick to sue.) 

He blathers how his blood's blue, too. 

superior to "you-know-who." 

He takes Mohammed Salman's cue, 

and mimics stuff Roy Cohn would do.

The house he occupies is white. 

He'll leave it in a woeful sight.

He says stuff Mussolini might.

He really isn't very bright. 

His Pampers, large, are likewise white. 

He soils 'em, spoils a few each night 

while posting such outrageous shite
and sliding ever further right.  

   CODA 

Once white, the house now's gilded  gold. 

His lies approach ten-thousand-fold. 

His mind's made up; he won't be told.

I fear the center cannot hold. 

His Pentel -- like his soul -- is black, 

miswielded by the maniac 

who thinks Iran is call'd "Iraq"

and craves an ever-Bigger Mac. 

So: how'll we take our country back...?

"STOP ICE!" Protest Poster as suggested by EAH

I, Grimmlin

I know no shame. 
My kids...? The same. 

I others blame. 
I friends defame. 

     I king became. 

 Misrule's my aim. 

My hair I'd tame.

The con's my game. 

     I "Hoax!" exclaim.
I cherish fame. 

"I'm God"'s my claim. 

I'd douse the flame.

     My brain is lame. 

The world's aflame.

But Trumpleswilltskin 

is my name. 

Limn'd as Limerick: a "Lim"ited Dictionary

Lima        noun       /leé - muh/ 

There's this city, thought named for a bean, 

whose true namesake's now (finally!) seen. 

Lima's named for an oracle -- 

Incan, historical: 

Limaq -- a god-in-machine.

limation     noun       /lim - máy - shun/ 

limb           noun       /lim/ 

That branch of a tree we call limb 
begins thick at the trunk, then grows slim. 
If you're perch'd at its end, 
my advice to you, friend, 
is, "Do NOT saw it off on a whim." 

limbo         verb       /lim - boh/

     (More words and definitions coming: a work in progress)

"THIS TOOL SHALL PASS" Protest Poster

 

Patience; or, Of Late I've Heard

Of late I've heard 

the word "assass-..." 
My greatest hope...? 

This tool shall pass... 
...before my pound 

of powder'd glass 
gets stirr'd into his Coke. 

      (Composure, please!)

     I've heard, 

"Let's put him out to grass 
before his muster'd

mustard gas 
assassinates

the working class." 
He passes gas -- no joke. 

      (Let me reprise.)

     This misanthrope -- 

this ghoul -- shall pass. 

This dick, this dope, 

this stool shall pass.

Stay cool! Don't mope!

This fool shall pass. 

I hope I've not misspoke.

     (No guarantees.)

OUR Road to Damascus...? Don't Dawdle: Just ASK Us!

As a student of 
western polyphonies, 
I compos'd sev'ral 
well-receiv'd symphonies. 
which caus'd not even
minor epiphanies 
'til my wife book'd our 
breakfasts at Tiffany's.

ER: Two Varia

In Khartoum, as in Kalamazoo, 
lie emergency rooms, with a view 
letting patients observe 
(if they've requisite nerve) 
deeds disorderly orderlies do. 
     Both in Kalamazoo and Khartoum 
looms, on cue, deja vu. View'd's a room 
letting sufferers see, for a nominal fee, 
who performs -- how, where, why...and on whom. 

Observation Re: a Certain Octogenarian

Why does Drumpf not sleep late...?

Drumpf's near eighty! His fate 

is to pee in his 

3 a.m. toilet. 
Were he urge to ignore 
and continue to snore, 
Drumpf's white linen would suffer: 
he'd soil it. 
Its Spring freshness to save 
would take more than a lave: 

Drumpf's top need...? To proceed 
to parboil it. 
Would it e'er be the same...? 
Are Drumpf's kidneys to blame...? 
Either way, aides will say, 
"Sir, don't spoil it."

Thus Spake Nietzsche; or, "Look Who's Dead!"

Carol Todd -- aka "Toddy." 
Thousand Nights' Sheherezade. 
Mafioso don John Gotti. 
Michael, Ann 'n' Sweeney Todd. 
Lunatic Jean-Paul Marat -- he 
got disposed of by de Sade. 

Elle Macpherson, dubb'd "The Body." 
Savage sadist al-Assad. 
Kidron Valley -- David's wadi. 
Winkin. Blinkin. (Also Nod).
Sōkun, master of karate. 
Who did I forget...? Oops: God. 

Ten Trampoliners; or, And Then There Were Not Quite None

Twice five trampoliners:

their nine siblings they'd outshine. 

The first lands in his neighbor's yard. 

There now remain just nine. 

     Observe nine trampoliners 

try to outperform each mate.

The second soarer sprains his wrist, 

which leaves behind but eight. 

     Voila! Eight trampoliners. 

Two exhaust their bags of tricks 

while banging all four knees together. 

Now are seen just six.

     So: six svelt trampoliners.

Shouts the smallest, "Watch me dive!"

Which tree'd he land in...? No one sees.

(At this point, there be five.)

     Full five fit trampoliners. 

Sev'ral watch their brothers soar. 

The last to soar's not seen again. 

How many left...? But four. 

     Four facile trampoliners. 

Yells the eldest lad, "Whoo-pee!" 

and promptly knocks himself unconscious. 

Left to leap...? But three. 

     Three trusty trampoliners. 

Did you see which pull'd a gun 

and blithely blew the other two

away -- thus leaving one...? 

     That solo trampoliner leaps, 

as huge -- and hungry! -- birds 

swoop down and bite his head off.

Now how many leap...? Two thirds.