Gashly Punn'd Obits or A's Aloysius who sleeps with the fysius.

A’s Aloysius who sleeps with the fysius.
(A's also for Alfie, snuff’d snapping a salfie.) 
B is for Boris who fell from his horris.
(B's also for Bobby: ate tainted kohlrobby.) 

C is for Carla: dispatch’d in her parla.' 
(C's also for Clyde, in a pact suicyde.) 
D is for David, who fail’d to get savid,
(D's also for Dale, brain’d with golf-ball-sized hale.) 

E is for Evelyn: pierc’d by a jevelyn.
(Also Elise, fin'lly resting in pise.) 
F is for Faust, forced to "give up the gaust." 
(F's also for Frank – heard the Fat Lady sank.) 

G is for George who ate poisonous porr'g., 
(G's also for Gidget, whose body turn’d fridget.)
H is for Harry, whose corpse we should barry. 
(H is also for Henry, who perish’d in pen'ry.

I's for Ignatius: that cyst prov’d sebatius.
(I's also for Ida: got bit by a spida.
J is for Jim: surgeons saw'd off his lim.
(J's also for Judas who tried to eludas.) 

K is for Keith who waxed wa-a-ay too obeith.
(K's also for Keyser who suffer’d a seysier.) 
L is for Lance overwhelm’d by red ance, 
(L is also for Linda, who burn’d to a cinda.)

M is for Modred who ask’d, "Is this loadred...?" 
(M’s also for Morris: the levee proved porris.)
N is for Ned: no one knew he was ded.
O is for Oliver: shot (a revoliver). 

P's for Pandora, who hang’d -- oh, the horra! 
Q is for Quinn: too much tonicless ginn. 
R is for Ron who was quarter’d and dron.
S...? For Samantha: felt pills were the antha. 

T is for Tom: bought a gun; bought the fom. 
U ith for Uther who'th alwayth a luther.
V is for Victor: dead! (Obiter dictor)
W…? Wayne who’s most savagely slayne. 

X is for Xavier: jail’d (bad behavier). 
Y is for Yves: dead. (Left no one to gryves.)
Z is for Zeke, yet another turn’d cheke:
whosoever inherits the earth won't be meek.

Another Gamut: From A(back) to Zed

From aback to ahead. From astir to abed.
From hang'd to beheaded, garrotted to bled.
From an Irish goodbye in James Joyce's The Dead
to a "Caed mille failte" (IF "caed" rhym'd with "ped-").

From cash to cred. From nun to coed.
From "Alive...it's alive!" to "I’m better off dead!"
From House to Ed. From daring to dread.
From The Conqueror, William to "-ward (the) VIII(th), Ed-."

From famish’d to fed, extract to imbed.
From Lucy and Desi to Ethel and Fred.
From stood pat to fled, Nikkei to the Fed.
From G. B. Shaw's "ghoti" to Sgt. Jim's "ghled."

From toenail to head. From 'too' to 'instead.'
From Coal Miner's Daughter to Ballade of Jed.
From pure to inbred. From Nike to Ked.
From a morning ashore to two weeks at Club Med.

From follow'd to fled. From silver to lead.
From informed to mislead. From acquired to misread.
From Tia Maria to Great Uncle Ned.
From "-tigone (An-)" to "the King, -ipus" (Oed-)".

From Math to Phys Ed., poppadom to rye bread.
From a mood indigo to a fire engine red.
From cross file to shred. From skateboard to sled.
From oleo to "the expensiver spread."

From whispered to said. From slowed down to sped.
From atque to sed. From halyard to thread.
From "Empty your pockets!" to "Move right ahead!"
From a slap on the wrist to a trip to the shed.

From hitched to unwed. From remanded to pled.
From Aethelbald to Aethelraed the Unraed.
From Chita's Chihuahua to Sam's Samoyed.
From A, B through L, M, N, O, P...
                                                                              ...to Zed!

Doin' the Aspirational Spellcheck Shimmy

Whence heroes of yore,
like The Right Stuff's Chuck Yigger…?
Who cheers as the U.S.
files climate's hair trigger…?
Why praise for the Christian
but raze for the Uigher…?
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'xigger.')

Who black-listed Zero Mostel
and Pete Sigger…? 
Who back’d Michelle Bachman…?
Who blog’d "How we dig ‘er!"…?
Who’s cast bags of ballots for Palin…?
Go figger!
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'chthigger.')

Who neighs to his neighbor,
"My handgun's w-a-a-ay bigger"…? 
Who drives after guzzling
wa-a-a-ay too much ligger…? 
Who claims that the Drumpf 
has no need of a wigger…? 
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'djigger.')

On steroids, Team USA's cyclists 
proved quigger -- 
though doping's destroy’d 
more than one Major Ligger, 
while folks who should know better
chortle and snigger.
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'kkknigger.')

Who bans marijuana
but puffs a big cigger...?
Who boozes by gallon
and never jigger…?
Who flaunts G. I. Joe, 
dissing Eeyore and Tigger…?
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'thmigger.')

Who "pooh!"s Mendel's pea plants
but still calls him 'Grigger'…?
Thinks H'waii'ns by spaceship came,
not by out-rigger…?
And who doesn’t think
that the Drumpf's an Intriguer…?
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'houyigger.')

Who digs and defers to 
the Founders with vigor,
insisting all immigrants 
weather the rigor
of Homeland Security's 
brutal buttkigger…?
Amer'ca! 
(At least we no longer say 'sphligger.')

When promises made 
to the farm-produce piggers
deserve follow-through, 
who are A-one renegers…?
A hint: they've been bought; 
they're not zaggers or ziggers.
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'tschiggers.')

Extr'ordin'ry: some black folks 
call themselves 'squiggers,'
whose ancestors came as slaves, 
stuff’d in square-riggers,
whose kin, nonetheless, 
are all Anti-Def Liggers.
Why would folks -- black, white -- 
ever call others 'thiggers'…?
Because they're Amer'cans…? 
Just facts, ma'am...just figgers!
Amer'ca! 
(High time we no longer said 'mniggers.')

The Execution of the Executive or There Will Be B***d

"Extend your weapon. Draw a
bead.
For justice long denied you'd
bid."
Thus Fortune, in a dream, me
bade.

"He must not live to die in
bed,
who architects so beaucoup
bad.
Injustice must no longer
bide.

A thousand dimples to his
bod
you'll introduce with shot of
bird.
Pretend you're Hoppy (William
Boyd.)"

So spoke Dame Fortune, brazen
bawd.
"You be da trigger, -sman (Om-
bud-),
and do as my predictions 
bode."

Baboom! Baboom! Baboom! Ba-
boom!
Baboom! Baboom! Baboom! Ba-
boom!
Baboom! Baboom! (Nor no one
boo'd.)

A Trio of Tinkertings with Tara in Dactyls or Munnerlyn on My Mind

Gone with the
Wind! Who’s a
mav’rick may
find it pro-
nounced by some
bumpkins as
‘Gone with the
Wynde’ -- as the
phrase is, in
Cole’s Kiss Me
Kate (though there’s
data to
show that show’s
heard mispro-
nounced ‘Kiss Me
Kayta.’)

Perfect per-

formance as
Scarlett by
Vivien
prompts the A-
cademy’s
members to
give V an
Oscar. (In
whiche’er flick
Leigh’s next en-
deavor be,
ought she cry,
“Hungry a-
gain I will
never be!”…?)

Diss’d as a

harlot by
Pinkerton
(varlet!), this
missy play’d
Prissy to
Vivien’s
Scarlett. (This
riddle’s a
riff on one
Thelma, a
starlet who
said of re-
ligion, “Moi…?
Je ne pas
parle it.”)*

     * Referenced is 
Thelma McQueen,

actress and lifelong 
atheist.)

Twigments of My Imagination: Pairs of Alphabet Letters Provide Alliteratively Constrained Environments in Which Celebrities Dare to Dream

AA: Renaissance Art notable dreams of working in the altogether.

Allied 'A's address Titian's 
absurd apparitions. 

Tish dreams (wishes, seems) 
to wave all inhibitions.

BB: Baseball's Berra dreams of visiting the Old Country. But whose...? 

Both 'B's be 'bout Yogi's 
bewildering bogies. 

This game Hall-of-Famer's 
abstaining from hoagies. 
(Indeed, Yogi's feed 
comes from plated pierogies!)

CC: Angel (ret’d, Charley-type) dreams of failing to nix a gambling jinx.

Coupled 'C's conjure Farrah's 
cock'mamie chimeras. 

Ms. Fawcett, mit jaw set, 
hurls snake eyes at Harrah's.

DD: Powerful dream persuades this Capp hottie she's still a looker. 

Duple 'D's display Moonbeam's 
delusional daydreams. 

"Still fine," mulls McSwine. 
"Mine ain't needin' Olay creams."

EE: Poor Bo dreams of future unemployment, envisioning only eternal umbrage.

Echoed 'E's earmark Derek's 
eccentric etherics. 
Both show broad-boob'd Bo 
giving vent to hysterics.

FF: Infamous foreign agent Hari dreams of heading south of the border.

Fellow 'F's finger Mata's 
full-farcical fatas,

wherein (note her grin!) 
wry spies pummel piñatas.

GG: The uncle in the grisly "Addams Family" sit-com dreams of the confessional.

Gem'ni 'G's...? Glyphs for Fester – he's 
gross with grotesqueries:

all will appall. 
(He'll confess just the less scaries.)

HH: Motown cager Prince dreams of teaching Genealogy 101 at an all-white Detroit high school.

Four Half 'H's hold Tayshaun's 
hairbrain'd “h'llucinashauns.” 

This Piston's insistin,' 
"My sibs...? All ‘Alsashauns’!"

II: Idiot Veep dreams of continuing to suck eggs, goose-type.

Idem: 'I's index thick Dick's 
inane "idee fixe'd" (sic). 

Agreed: When VP'd, 
Cheney zero'd for six. (Sick!)

JJ: Calendar (Jalali-type) maven Omar dreams his poetry's roundly pooh-pooh'd.

Join'd 'J's...? Just O. Khayyam's 
joint jabberwock'd jimjams.

This Persian's "verse-'xcursions"...? 
Per'verse-'ical flim-flams!

KK: Creator of Khingachgook (sic) dreams of failing to employ spell check.

Kinn'd 'K's kindle Cooper's 
kookesque kama rupas. 

Jim's Pathfinder spellbinders...? 
Brimful of bloopers!

LL: Lahore sage dreams of delaying enlightenment for just one more evening.

Let 'L's limn Le Buddha's 
lightheaded laputas. 
Nirvana's anon. For now...? 
Lime-Jello shootahs!

MM: Married Massachusetts man dreams of scoring some illicit sex.

Matching 'M's max'mize Lodge's 
mind's muddl'd mirages. 

Hank Cabot's a Babbett 
ISO "massages." 

NN: Former Network TV doc dreams of chugging rubbing alcohol.

Neighb'rin' 'N's notate Kildare's 
nonsensical nightmares. 

The Doctor is crock'd, sir, 
thus subject to bugbears.

OO: Okuda creature, a Starship Captain, dreams of his Trek series living in reruns...forever.

One two 'O's...? Only Bakula's 
outré oraculas,

airin' Scott's darin' 
re: space-time spectacula's. 

PP: Political cartoonist dreams of getting his best ideas while dreaming.

Pair o' 'P's portrays T. Nast's 
preposterous phantasts. 
They'll fashion his passionate 
Tammany sarcasts.

QQ: 155-mph quick-service ace Andy dreams of illegal drug use.

Queu'd up 'Q's cue A. Roddick's 
"quite qwazy" quixotics. 
So fast we're aghast. 
(Is Rodd usin' narcotics...?)

RR: Toys 'R' Us icon dreams of putting 'base' back in 'customer base.'

Rhymin' 'R's relate Geoffrey's 
rude, radical rev'ries. 

This mascot shows tots 
lots of noir sides Mom ne'er sees!

SS: Cannibal's sado-dream exposes his criminality as largely genetic.

Sim'lar 'S's show Lector's 
sick, stark-ravin' spectres. 
As Hannibal's Nana scrawls: 
"I ♥ dissectors!"

TT: Tour cyclist dreams of enjoying scenic French views.

Two twin'd 'T's trace Sir Lance's 
(tsk tsk!) tomfool trances. 

Our star's worst bete noir’s 
when his next Tour de France is.

UU: Overstuff'd and underfoot Pillsbury mascot fails to curb his ravenous appetite.

Un'form 'U's unveil Doughboy 
in unhinged Utopoi. 

His dream...? Clotted cream...
atop tow'ring gâteau, boy!

VV: Hollywood (and vane) icon Walter weighs the politics of his career-long type casting.

Vis-a-'V's...? Views of Pidgeon's 
vertiginous visions. 

Each movie's to prove he 
won't play Dionysians.

WW: Rudyard's white-man's-burden creation dreams of a primate chorale.

Wedded 'W's wield Kim's 
wild- (-'n'-woolly) -eyed whims

showin' Jungle Guy humm'd to by 
chimps chantin' hymns.

XX: This Caesar, in X-rated dream, dons colorful and pricey designer underwear.

Extra 'X's [x]* Galba's 
xiphoidal xibalbas. 

He fancies he dances 
in dark Marc Chagall bras! 

     * Pronounced 'ex,' as is said when one’s ticking a box. 

YY: Charlemagne's youngish mistress dreams of being sweet-talked...again!

Yikes! Yok'd 'Y's yield up Himiltrude's 
yammerin' yakshatudes,

pha'sms where Chas hums 
flat medieval platitudes. 

ZZ: Ms. Pitts dreams of Oscar's Ernest's mom's dream of...(are you following all this...?)

Zwei 'Z's...? Zut! Don't miss 'em! 
Z-z-zaSu's "zombnamb'lisms"

nail Wilde's prim Miss Prism 
in wild Freudi'nisms!

Unplumb'd Menagerie or Don't Know Much About Biology

My sense of the Awhl remains "awhl"fully small.
What is known of the Brylle is, by all accounts, nil.

Me re the Clampoo...? Clueless (i.e., no clue). 
Daily probes of the Droone...? Discontinued last June.

Concerning the Ehrd one hears barely a word.
R&D on the Flopt...? Ex officio: stopp’d.

Shall I shelter a Glannz...? Though I should, I've no plans.
Once endanger’d, the Hyst now's been scratch’d from that list. 

The Ilkh has no ears. (Heaven knows how it hears.)
Sure, I pooh-pooh’d the Jang...once the Fat Lady sang.

This Klangel was born on my voy'ge 'round the Horn.
The Lhugee survives by ingesting its wives.

Asked to mother the Mahnks, I balk'd: "Thanks but no thanks."
How uniquel is the Nyuk...? It’s half dog and half duck.

People visit an Ong – but they don't tarry long. 
It's reported the Phryffe lives in fear for its life.

Have I seen a Qabaz...? Don't talk rot: no one has!
Tweets and blogs 'bout the Rholld...? Evidently on hold.

A life of the Schtook fills one very small book.
One knack of the Tyghte is to hide in plain sight.

The last living Uewe died in 2002.
Yes, the Vardavalette proves a petulant pet.

The Warg "went extinct" once folks noticed it slinked.
The Xanthano can catch the Gingerbread Man. 

This Yergaroo pair intermingles its hair.
The word is: the Zhazent would love to...but doesn't.

'-Ling' Weenies

Aetheling:
heir to a king (not a queen).
Brisling:
a sprat cann'd in oil -- a sardine.

Carling:

Canadian black-label'd beer.
Darling:
my sweetie. (Though meaty, mine’s dear.)

Ealing:

where Mick meets his Rolling Stones mates.
Foundlings:
wee bairns left at rectory gates.

Groundlings:

“the stinkards” who stand in “the yard”
once referr'd to in “Hamlet,” 
as penn’d by “The Bard.”

Howling:

where Cold Comfort Farm sits enisled.
Inkling:
stands drinks at the Eagle and Child.

Jing’ling:
in Anderson’s “Sleigh Ride,” this lyric, 
once heard as nostalgic, 
now's mere atmospheric.

Keelhauling:

punishment meted to tar.
Ling Ling:
“A panda walks into a bar…”

Mayerling:

Rudolph shoots Mary Vetsera.
Nursling:
housed monks in a medieval era.

Ogling:

to stare where her breasts form a V.
Pauling:
proponent of Vitamin C.

Quisling:

his nose turn'd a tattletale brown.
Ringling:
the circus is coming to town!

Shandling:

did stand-up. (I never scor'd tickets.)
Ting-a-Ling:
cover'd by Clovers and Crickets.

Underling:

status – the least in the place.
Veiling:
a fabric of gauze or fine lace.

Whaling:

what Queequeg and Ahab and Ish-
mael slaved at while trailing 
a largish white fish.

Xest Ling:

for milling and drilling. (Who knew?)
Yuengling:
America’s family brew.

Zetterling:

resolute...? Always! Not shy –
with her “act-ling,” “direct-ling” and “lov-ling…” 
(Oh, Mai!)

But now I shan’t linger, 
lest babbling ensue:
lingonberries, linguistics, linguines: 
-lings…nu?

McTraitor Traits

Moscow Mitch. Oh, Moscow Mitch.
Why mime you Mother Russia’s bitch?
A puppet-pawn of pink-putz'd guys?
A pol in thrall to Putin’s pitch?

Who motivates you, Moscow Mitch,

to Duma dig? To demos ditch?
To plump for projects penny-wise
and dollar-wise (and ruble-rich!)?

What stimulates you, Moscow Mitch,

the Congress’s mandated niche
(Prez oversight) to char’cterize
as hoax, as huntings of the witch?

What pow’r's allow'd you, Moscow Mitch,

to scratch your monetary itch?
Who lets you, late, “aluminize”
your state, McConnovonovich?

(More treason to follow: a work in progress)

A Rabbi, A Priest and a Kangaroo Walk Into a Bar: Vocallically Constrained Variations

Kanga, Roo and a bear living under the name of Sanders 
walk into a bar...

An eastern grey named Ken G. Aroostook 
walks into a bar…

A western grey arrested for plucking a rooster* 
walks into a bar…

King Kong, a room freshener salesman and an antilopine 
walk into a bar…

Hans Küng, a roofing sales rep/part-time mohel and a mallee 
walk into a bar…
A rubber ducky, NGA rooftop marksman Uly Poe and a wallaby 
walk into a bar...
     * Not to be confused with Jack Kent's 
comic strip monarch King Aroo.

Passing: a Fancy

A Sikh and a sheik and a shaman
walk into Moe’s Tavern. “How common
is the Northern white rhino?”
asks Moe. “How should I know?”
the Sikh pleads with pique. “I’m no Brahmin.”

So Szyslak addresses the sheik.

“Is the white rhino scarce? What’s your take?”
“It’s well known that they are,”
states the sheik, “although fa-a-a-ar
more endangered’s the pink-headed drake.”

In the meantime, a consequence weird

prompts a shrug and a tug of my beard.
Both the Sikh and the sheik –
as is Moe, for Lord’s sake,
and his tavern: they’re all disappear’d.