("Soundbites," recorded years ago, somehow again seems as timely as ever.)
Sunday, 2/1
In the opinion of Senior ABC White House
Correspondent M. Massing Mighteejet, events during February may serve to verify
a distinct impression experienced by a majority of the journalists covering
this administration ---namely, that, in the words of reporter Mighteejet, “Day
by day, hour by hour, something is abandoning the Bush White House” -- though
no newsperson has as yet been successful in determining precisely what it is
that has gone missing.
(...a, b, c, d, e, f, g,
h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z...)
Monday, 2/2
“With recent focus squarely upon individuals whom
administration spokespersons had earlier dubbed, somewhat generically, as
‘terrorists’ but now routinely refer to as ‘Saddamites,’” New York Daily News
reporter Samme Ming Jestmight asked the President, “Can the Bush White House be
fairly characterized as now ignoring a secured Afghanistan...?” President Bush’s
hands gripped his podium firmly as his crisp answer shot back:
“…ex-Nazis have worked,
if quietly, in bin Laden’s jungle camps...”
Tuesday, 2/3
Mindful of recent GOP criticism that some
press-corps hardballers were “too rough on this president,” Chicago Tribune
reporter Jasmine M. Theggemist tossed Mr. Bush one of her famous soft ones.
“How about those White Sox, Mr. President, and last week’s five-game series?”
Spotting the lob, the President, though reportedly not an informed baseball
fan, responded authoritatively.
“…by winning all five,
the Sox jumped quickly into first...”
Wednesday, 2/4
Fielding Times correspondent Jetmist G.
Enigmamesh’s query regarding Attorney General Ashcroft’s crackdown on
pornography in the military, and having been assured that his response would
remain strictly “off the record,” the President grew testy.
“…if he’d just quit
ravin’ how he saw six black MP’s gams…!”
Thursday, 2/5
Pressed by CNN White House correspondent Genghis
“Timmie” Jetsam for his reaction to GOP suggestions that there possibly be an
intelligence-gathering role for either of the First Daughters during a second
Bush administration, the President offered what might well be viewed as
the reaction of a typical American dad.
“…a quiet kid joining
film clubs will video her pals…”
Friday, 2/6
Ashcroft clung to reporters’ minds again today.
Veteran NBC news anchor Meg “Meg” Sinthetijams’ question alluded to the
Attorney General’s notorious distaste for the unclothed female body.
Referencing the First Lawyer, who stood throughout the proceedings to the
President’s far, far right, Mr. Bush appeared to suggest that neither Ashcroft
nor the administration as a whole was prepared to assume a new position.
“…for he’ll keep mockin’
even quite bad jugs…”
Saturday, 2/7
Asked by Washington Post columnist M. G.
“See-me-in” Tightjams as to what contributions a second Bush administration
might make in support of the arts in America, and whether such contributions
would involve any celebrity spokespersons, Mr. Bush paused to consult prepared
notes, then proceeded with only a few stumbles, pauses and mispronunciations.
“…I plan a homage for a
quintet of bad OJ flicks…”
Sunday, 2/8
Veteran war correspondent Smig E. “The Jet Man”
Smig, currently at work on a chronicle of the Bush family dynasty, bluntly queried
George W on the life-style changes the younger Bush has experienced in
transitioning from a former president’s erstwhile ne’er-do-well scion to the
current Commander-in-Chief. Assured that these particular reminiscences would
not appear in Smig’s forthcoming “kiss-‘n’-tell,” the current President allowed
his nostalgia to wax freely.
“…fed up shaggin’ bimbos,
I just drink cola…”
Monday, 2/9
Reminded by Desert Storm veteran reporter M. J.
“Sting ‘em” Steigeham that recent polls show the President’s approval rating
among American forces stationed in Iraq to be eroding daily, the
always-forthright Steigeham wondered aloud if the administration possessed a
strategy for turning those numbers around. Addressing no one in particular, Mr.
Bush pondered in the form of a seemingly rhetorical question what are rapidly
appearing to become his administration’s diminishing options.
“…bad time for the fake
camp jingles…?”
Tuesday, 2/10
In a recent feature article on prominent Lone Star
families, Town & Country’s Jane “Gems” Mightistem queried First Lady
Laura Bush regarding what hobbies her husband engaged in, besides playing golf
and clearing brush, to unwind from the pressures of being Leader of the Free
World. Before the president’s wife could respond, Mr. Bush himself jumped in to
field reporter Mightistem’s question, whereupon he coined his
now-infamous “B.J.” reference.
“…on a fine old ranch,
chaps make ‘Big Jam…’”
Wednesday, 2/11
Appearing as keynote speaker at his ninth
Republican fundraiser in as many days and speaking at the Sons of the
Highlands’ twice-yearly “HaggisFest,” the President was asked by emcee and
generous GOP contributor Gingham J. Testesmime to comment on the
administration’s strategies for returning approval ratings, which continue to
plummet, to their earlier two-digit percentages. Borrowing a line with local
resonance from Glaswegian stand-up comic J. “Jimme Eggtits” Shane, a performer
virtually unknown outside Scotland, Mr. Bush assumed his best attempt at the Scottish
funnyman’s burr and drew over a minute and a half of sustained laughter from a
seemingly appreciative audience.
“…if a bad joke be nigh, kick
a pram…”
Thursday, 2/12
“Bingo, Pinball, Fungo Bats in Oval Office” and
“Visiting Big Leaguers Elude Secret Service, Take ‘Seventh-Inning Stretch’ in
Lincoln Bedroom” were two recent LA Times headlines referenced by that paper’s
sports columnist and future Hall-of-Fame Triple-A ballplayer Jessi “Mitt”
Hammenegg as the former relief catcher turned sportswriter and broadcast color
man repeatedly probed Mr. Bush for back story. Attempting to lighten the mood,
the President played dumb.
“…a game of pinball hid a
jock…?”
Friday, 2/13
In a series of follow-up questions to those of the
preceding day, LA Times columnist Hammenegg pressed the President further. No
longer able to dodge the plucky sportswriter’s relentless barrage of queries,
Mr. Bush chose instead to deny the rumors outright – perhaps hoping somehow
thereby to call into question Hammenegg’s facts.
“…no game of ball can
hide a jock…!!”
Saturday, 2/14
As John Ashcroft’s support of the Patriot Act has
continued to negatively impact his fitness-for-office ratings in many national
polls, Mr. Bush has elected to distance himself from his controversial attorney
general. Asked by People’s political correspondent Smite Hemming-Gasjet for the
ultimate insider’s take on Ashcroft and American sexuality, the President
assumed what some pundits are characterizing as Bush’s “Will Rogers demeanor,”
while many neo-cons are voicing concern about the “potty language choices” made
by the President and are suggesting off the record that Bush’s characterization
of Ashcroft is a subtle signal to the administration’s Christian right
supporters that this attorney general is very likely on his way out.
“…Hammin’ Jack – be-all,
end-all fag…!”
Sunday, 2/15
Early today a stunned nation had its morning TV
kaffeeklatchs interrupted by breaking news stories featuring video clips of
reportedly “drugged-up” American Special Forces members behaving, to quote
Arabic translator M. Jehan Stemig-Stemig’s characterization of them, like
“storm troopers out of Star Wars,” attacking a large group of Iraqi cub scouts
as the thirsty youngsters stood helpless, waiting in line for water rations.
Though Mr. Bush has questioned the authenticity of the footage and has at the
same time somewhat inconsistently continued to deny all responsibility for the
alleged incident, the President was willing to admit that, were the videos
ultimately to be proven genuine, someone might be held responsible.
“…if high Jedi kill a
child, blame ’em…!”
Monday, 2/16
Zero-tolerance, tough on crime rhetoric is nothing
new for this president. Commenting on the recent nationally publicized incident
at a New Jersey day-care facility in which three-year-old pre-schooler Magijem
S. Nightsteem, son of Pakistani immigrants, allegedly cold-cocked visiting
Newark PD officer J. St.-Magget Mimeshein as the burly sergeant lectured Ms
Grendel’s morning class of toddlers on playground safety, Mr. Bush sternly eyed
his audience of second graders at Newark’s new Ronald Reagan Charter School as
he repeatedly chanted one of his now-familiar mantras.
“…If he decked a badge –
jail…!”
Tuesday, 2/17
Responding in “chico esquela” Spanish to Miami
Herald reporter Nestegg T. Themjammis, Mr. Bush assumed a somewhat confessional
tone as he fielded the Latino correspondent’s question regarding what the
current occupant of the White House may have discussed with his father, former
President George H.W. Bush, during the First Patriarch’s recent unscheduled
pop-in at the Oval Office, regarding those now notorious disputed Florida election
results. George W’s remarks were brief, and the bi-lingual
Themhammis roughly translated them for the rest of
the press corps.
“…I fibbed, Dad: A
highjack...!”
Wednesday, 2/18
Queried by Burmese-American ACLU representative
Jess Thinmat-Eggmime on the administration’s position regarding detained
fellow-Burmese pro-democracy leader St.-Jean Shmit-Eggmime (no relation), the
President insisted that Shmit-Eggmime, whom Mr. Bush without explanation or
apology continually referred to as “Jeff,” had been treated humanely by Rangoon
military rulers.
“…Jeff had a big cage…”
Thursday, 2/19
Nation‘s Business investigative reporter Miss Jammie G. (“The Gent’), as part of her
question to the President on the status of troubled telecommunications giant
Worldcom, quoted to Mr. Bush the White House’s own statistics which put the
total number to date of attorneys working on the case at 143,336. The
President’s answer took the form of a question which, it was subsequently
determined, Mr. Bush fully intended to be rhetorical.
“…did each bag a fee…?”
Friday, 2/20
Referring to rumor circulated for decades that one
of Fidel Castro’s co-revolutionists had been bribed by the CIA with shares of
P&G stock, Miami Herald reporter H. J. “Mistie Meg” Stegman wondered
aloud whether these recently resurrected allegations would impact on the
administration’s continuing refusal to address the lifting of Cuban embargoes.
As he has so often in the past, sometimes intentionally, Mr. Bush feigned
ignorance and surprise.
“…Che had Fab? Gee…!”
Saturday, 2/21
Asked by Nightline’s Jane “Gems” Mightistem whether
Mr. Bush would be comfortable or uncomfortable including Hillary Rodham Clinton
among the group of potential candidates he will face in upcoming nationally
televised debates should the freshperson senator from New York somehow become
the Democratic presidential nominee, the President at first seemed indecisive,
then answered in what correspondent Mightistem took to be the affirmative.
“…add Cabbageface…!”
Sunday, 2/22
As the President took a few questions from
reporters outside the oval office today, National Security Advisor Condoleezza
Rice momentarily appeared at Mr. Bush’s right, pressing a small object into the
President’s palm. Later it was discovered that the object was a hastily
hand-scribbled note to the effect that she had only moments previously received
confirmation of the death of AFT agent Magijem S. Nightsteem,
wounded earlier in the day in a rather badly
botched attempt to settle without incident a hostage situation at a popular F
Street pupusaria. Disoriented by the unanticipated interruption, Mr. Bush’s attention
momentarily strayed from the large-print prepared notes at his rostrum as he
mistakenly read instead from what was subsequently dubbed by certain late-night
talk show hosts “The Rice Paper.”
“A Fed be dead! -- C.”
Monday, 2/23
Asked by local free-lance journalist Jiggs Minemat
Themes for the President’s opinion as to the overall effectiveness of longtime
D. C. resident and Home-Rule advocate Delegate Eleanore Holmes Norton’s time in
office, Mr. Bush scanned the ceiling and appeared to be searching his memory.
It was later learned that the First Mensa had momentarily forgotten the party
affiliation of Ms Holmes Norton. In addition, the President’s chronic nasal
congestion muffled his response, causing his ‘m’s to be heard as ‘b’s.
“…A D.C. deb…?”
Tuesday, 2/24
Queried by Ashcroft Middle School Tatler
correspondent J. “I Am In The Eggs” Steem, a junior hoping upon graduation to
double major at MIT in broadcast journalism and cosmetology, regarding whether
“Dubya” Bush had grown tired of the “adult” press’s incessant joking at the
expense of his middle initial, and was there perhaps another letter of the
alphabet with reference to which he would prefer to be ridiculed, the President
answered, in the halting manner and tradition of another linguistically
challenged
political figure, Dan Quale, by listing what he
would later, incorrectly of course, characterize as “the first three letters of
the alphabet of the American people of the United States of America.”
“…a ‘B'...?!…a
‘C'...?!!…a ‘D'...?…?!!!”
Wednesday, 2/25
Among those being officially recognized at a recent
Kennedy Center Honors ceremony was octogenarian performer Cab Calloway. Only
recently deceased, the elderly black entertainer was being kudoed posthumously,
a Calloway look-alike having been employed to accept the small KCH statuette in
“Mr. Hi-Dee-Ho”s stead, ostensibly for the purpose of publicity photos. With
festivities winding down, the President, attending the event unaccompanied by
the First Daughters, who reportedly had skipped the black-tie ceremony in favor
of a more casual Uncle Chunky performance at a saloon in nearby Beltsville, MD,
was heard by other attendees to loudly call out in the direction of the
awardees’ box, situated far, far to the left of that of the presidential party.
Attending press-corps members remain unable or unwilling to declare whether Mr.
Bush, perhaps unaware of the real Calloway’s recent demise, was attempting to
secure the veteran entertainer’s autograph, or to somehow elude his secret
service escort and hop a quick taxi back to either 1600 Pennsylvania or even
possibly to an undisclosed address in Crawford, Texas.
“…Cab! Cab…!!”
Thursday, 2/26
Mr. Bush appeared tired today as he was asked by
one of a group of young journalism students visiting the Rose Garden whether
the President had enjoyed the previous evening’s festivities at the Kennedy Center
and, as a related follow-up question, why the American people had launched a
preemptive attack on Iraq. Waving away further questions amid an explosion of
what turned out to the apparent relief of security to be flashbulbs, Mr. Bush
hurriedly retreated into the White House, muttering sheepishly.
“…Ba-a-a-a…!”
Friday, 2/27
Insisting he speaks for most Americans, Washington
Post Pulitzer Prize winner Gashem J. Teemingmist posed the final question at
today’s abbreviated press conference before the President began yet another of
his now regular month-long holidays at his Texas ranch. “What are your
administration’s plans for turning around the nation’s ailing economy?” asked
Teemingmist. The President’s answer, characterized later by a White House spokesperson
to be “detailed and substantive,” could at the time not be clearly heard above
the noise caused by the rotors of Chopper One.
“…a…a…a…”
Saturday, 2/28
G. Majisteen Gemsmith, an unemployed newspaper
reporter, at the risk of being severely “disciplined” by Secret Service agents
attached to the President’s motorcade, approached Mr. Bush’s car as the
presidential Limo One slowed, navigating the intersection of 16th and I Streets
where the former newsman was squeegieing commuters’ windshields, and posed a
question of model journalistic brevity. “Spare change?” queried the out-of-work
Gemsmith. The President was slow to respond.
“……………………...”
Sunday, 2/29
It seems it’s Leap Year. (For sure it’s a [bleep]
year!)
