"White Album: Beatles' escapade. White belt: karate, freshman grade..." The White Stuff: A Constrained Nonsense Alphabet in Rhyme

White Album: Beatles’ escapade. White belt: karate, freshman grade.
White Castle: burgers by the bag. White dwarf: small star whose heat will flag.
White elephant: beware of mauling. White Fang: hears the Wild a-calling.
White gold: holds trace manganese. White House: The Donald keeps the keys.
White ink: on onion skin? Bizarre! White joke: “Three honkies hit a bar…”
White knight: his song’s called “Ways and Means.” White lies: when KKK convenes.
White Man’s: that burden’s best laid down. White noise: comes, too, in pink and brown.
Wite-Out: it holds one letter less. White pages: show they your address?
White Queen: in Carroll and in chess. White Rhino: ganja, more or less.
Black Sox: ’19, Comiskey Park. White tiger: threatened. (Think ‘white shark.’)
White unicorn: a mythic beast. White Velvet (cake): Take two pans, greased…
Whitewater: nearly sunk Slick Will. White xenia: soft coral frill.
White yam: it’s class'd D. rotundata. White Zin? Was rosé; now, not a…

"I now know (that's something new) that she now knows (yes, he knows, too)..." 'Cognoscere' Conjugational: A Constrained Nonsense in Rhyme

I now know 
(that’s something new)
that she now knows 
(yes, he knows, too)
that we now know 
(as knows my gnu)
that they now know -- 
as so do you.
Your crew now knows – 
of course you do --
that it now knows. 
(Is ‘it’ a ‘who’?)
Now, lest is risked 
more déjà vu,
this conjugational's 
through, nu?

"About Athos and Porthos and Aramis: aren't they like bagels and cream cheese and lox...?" Threenody or Triumvirates, Triviragos and Trissentials: A Constrained Nonsense

Part I (in six parts) 

About Athos and Porthos and Aramis: 
aren’t they like
bagels and cream cheese and lox...? 
Are they so unlike
Balthazar, Gaspar and Melchior: 
three nifty gifts, one triangular box...?

About Curly and Larry and Moe 
(two are look-alike 
Howards while one's merely Fine):
are they so unlike
Dewey and Cheatham and Howe:
each a trio con brio, each top of the line...?

About Eeny and Meeny and Miney (so many 
bemoan now how Moe’s now “no mo’”): 
Are they so unlike
Ferris and Cam’ron and Sloane, 
not to mention 
Manet, Klee and Vincent van Gogh...?

About Groucho and Harpo and Chico: 
are they not like
gravy and bangers and mash...? 
Are they not like 
Hermi’ne and Harry and Ron, not to mention 
Doc Zarkov and Arden and Flash...?

About Ignatz and Krazy and Offissa Pupp, 
who’re like
lettuce, tomato and bacon, 
who’re not unlike
Jesus and Mary and Joseph: on toast 
or en host, either’s Jake to partake in.

About Kukla and Frances and Ollie: 
are they not like
Kellogg’s Snap, Crackl' 'n' Pop...? 
Are they so unlike
Lamia, Laida and Flora...? (Perhaps 
now’s the opportune moment to stop.)

End of Part I   

Part II (in five parts)

About lions and tigers and bears (oh my!): 
aren’t they like
Scarecrow and Tin Man and Cowardly...? 
Aren’t they like
Minnie and Mabel and Maude...? 
(I refuse to revisit the Stooges, Moe Howardly.)

About Mavericks -- Bret, Bart and Beau: 
are they so unlike
Pep Boys – Jack, Manny and Moe – 
who’re so like three solfeggi (i.e., mi, re, do) 
which are not unlike
traffic lights -- ‘stop,’ ‘wait’ and ‘go’...?

Aren’t Nairobis – say, Lemmon 
and Loden and Lauer – 
like solids and liquids and gas...? 
Are they so unlike
Michaelmas, Easter and Lent...? 
Are they so unlike threepeats...? 
You bet your sweet ass!

About Oscar and Johnny and Nat: 
are they so unlike
fiddlers and pipes and a bowl...? 
(Bet your boots they are:
one three’s the Nat “King” Cole Trio. 
The other three...? Call'd for by merry King Cole.)

About Peter and Mary and Paul: 
are they so unlike
Patty, Maxene and LaVerne, 
who are like Pavarotti, Domingo and 
“that other guy.”
(Grant me more – ten! -- before we adjourn.)

End of Part II   

Part III (in four parts)

About quidam and quaedam and quoddam: 
are they not like
Emily, Charlotte and Anne...? 
Are they so unlike
Rs -- Readin,’ ‘Ritin,’ and ‘Rithmetic – 
quite like the number of Ks in the Klan...?

About Francis and Sammy and Dean...? 
Are they so unlike
souses and soakers and sots...? 
Are they not the “Chance,
Evers and Tinker”s of profligate drinkers...?
(In short, don’t they guzzle a lot...?)

Aren’t the Ugly, the Good and the Bad 
not unlike carbohydrate 
and protein and fat, which are not unlike
“Veni” and “Vidi” and “Vici” – 
and much like Cornwallis's tricornered hat...?

About Wynken and Blynken and Nod: 
are they not like the 
Santa Maria, the Niña
(as well as the Pinta) and quite like 
the Three Penny Op’ra which
starr'd the superb Lotte Lenya...? 

End of Part III    

Coda (in three parts)

About Xena and Gaby and Joxer: 
are they not like
Preakness and Belmont and Derby...? ]
Aren’t they like the
dudes in those flickers – e.g., City Slickers – 
Bill Crystal, Dan Stern, Bruno Kirby...?

About Yoshi, Luigi and Mario: 
aren’t they like
Bones (three!) in humanoid ears...? 
Are they not like 
those days – lazy, hazy and crazy – 
Nat sings of, with sodas and pretzels 
and beers...?

About Zoey and Lola and Quinn: 
are they so unlike
countrymen, Romans and friends....? 
Are they not like 
three pigs, three French hens, 
and three sheets to the wind...?
(Thus with three threes my “three”nody ends.)

"Said Aramis: 'Porthos! I'm so-o-o--o piss'd at Athos..." Three's a Crowd or Treble Means Trouble (in "Pair"adise): A Constrained Nonsense Alphabet in Terza Rima

Said Aramis: “Porthos! I’m so-o-o-o piss’d at Athos.
He’s pilfered my purple penache, for Pete’s sake.

I just multiply ‘p’s; Athos bathes in feigned bathos.

Said Adam to Eve: “Don’t go b’lieving that snake.
We both know you can’t trust tales some serpent, some asp or
some reptil’an tells. Nope: that rascal’s a rake!” 

Said Balthazar: “Melchior! Steer clear of Caspar!
The bloke’s gifting gold to some boychik. You know
ev’ry bloke gifting gold the gods label a jasper.”

Said Curly to Larry: “Show no love to Mo.
He’s intrusive and crude. He’s abusive and rude.
A good poke is okay. As for hugs, just say ‘No!’”

Said Donny to Walter, “I’m drugged with The Dude.
He’s wasted on weed. Dude abides…in a trance.
If he’s late for the tournament, tell him, ‘Get screw’d!’”

Said Evers to Tinker, “Chance hasn’t a chance.
Moving Frank from home plate to first base? Seelee’s folly.
Such switcharoos often seem great…at first glance

Said Frances to Kukla, “I fear for our Ollie.
He plans to sing backup (perhaps I’m too picky)
for Penniman singing ‘Good Golly, Miss Molly.’”

Said Goofy to Donald, “I’m sick of young Mickey.
That rodent’s robustless. That murine lacks mettle.
‘…ridiculus mus.’ (In a word, Mickey’s icky.)”

Said Hansel, chastising the Witch, “Getting Gretel
to chug gin with gingerbread – thanks: I’m full up –
has now ravaged her face and deflated her fettle.”

Said Ignatz to Krazy, “With Offisa Pup.
I’ve an off/on relationship. Pupp’s quite contrary."
On weekdays. Come week’s end. Pupp’s quick to bark ‘Yup!’” 

Said Jesus to Joseph, “Tell Momma (nee Mary):
Jews calling her ‘Mrs.’ or ‘Miss’ are in error.
She’s neither. She’s both. And I’m slap-happy – very!” 

Said Kate, “Fed up, Jaclyn. I’m fed up with Farrah.
Those hanks of hair flip ever thither and yon –
“fara” less “ the athletic one” – more the chimera.”

Said Leia to Luke, “Cast your eyes upon Han?
Since the Force has deserted him, so has the Knack.
Mr. Solo’s no Gable. Han’s not my Don Juan.”

Said Many to Mo, “He’s a madman, our Jack,
selling gear shifts for Fords – automatic and stick –
telling customers, “Should they not work, bring ‘em back.’”

Said Nora to Asta, “Who’s pickled? It’s Nick.
(Though, when asked, he insists, ‘I’m not ‘sotted, just sleepy…
and epigrammatic…’) In fact, Nick’s just thick. 

Said Olive to Popeye, “I’m sick about Swee’Pea.
Both you and I walk. She does nothing but crawl.
While your arms appear weird, Swee’Pea’s crawling’s just creepy.”

Said Peter to Mary, “Appalling! That’s Paul.
Though he’s cracked my guitar, I’ve heard no ‘culpa mea.’
(A Martin? A Cort? I no longer recall.)

Said Quixote to Sancho, “I’ve dumped Dulcinea.
Her manner’s too manly. Her upper lip’s hairy.
She’s tinted that hair using tar from La Brea.”

Said Ron to Hermione, “How d’you bear Harry?
He keeps casting spells though I’ve begged him to stop.
What was once my pet gerbil is now a canary.” 

Said Snap to young Crackle, “I’m hopping mad! Pop’s
added chalk to the Krispies. (He’s also poured lime in.)
Here! Hold the cad down while I summon some cops.”

Said Theodore, “A-a-a-a-alvin! So simple is Simon!
While we’re far from fat, he insists, ‘I’m the thinnest’ – er-
roneous, surely…but back to my rhymin’.”

Said Underdog, “Cad! Tell mad Simon Bar sinister:
‘Cast from your eye that malevolent glint!’
(If he’ll not, I’ll be forced my quick fix to administer.)” 

Said Vic to young Bullets, “I’m bummed out by Clint.
He’s become the most overweight whale in our pod.
Why he’s packed on that heft I’m bereft of a hint.”

Said Wynkin to Blynkin, “He’s nasty, is Nod.
See that shoe he suggests for our sailing? So scruffy
Plus, going with Nod’s plan will leave me ill shod.”

Said Xander to Willow, “I can’t believe Buffy.
Does vanquishing vampires take more than a minim?
I tell her it can’t, but the girl gets all huffy.”

Said a Yahoo to Lemuel, “Why won’t that Houyhnhnm
desist with his wash tub and ironing board?
Tell him cease and desist or I’ll tackle ‘n’ skin him.”

Said Zaphod to Arthur, “I’m fed up with Ford.
He would none of the galaxy leave unexp-_____.*
Can it be his tank’s empty of rhymes?” Zaphod roared. 
     * -loited, -loded, -osed, -anded, -edited, -ressed, 
-lained, -erienced, -unged…

"A initials 'alter ego': mon ami y mi amigo..." AABBCC or Twinn'd Twins: A Constrained Nonsense Alphabet in Rhyme

A initials 'alter ego': mon ami y mi amigo.

A starts, too, 'another you' who’s got your bubbe’s eyebrows, nu...?

B initials 'body double': takes the heat in times of trouble.
B, as well, starts 'blizniak.'* (Too late to send that brother back.
  * Polish for ‘twin.’

C initials 'corollary.' One’s okay, but two's quite scary.
C, as well, initials 'clone.' (How nice to know one’s not alone!)

D initials 'dvyniai.'* (The elder’s straight; the younger’s bi-.)
D, as well, starts 'dopplegang.' That’s twice – at least! – the postman rang.
     * Lithuanian for 'twin.'

E starts 'extra pair of hands.' He goes to bat. He understands.
E, as well, starts 'evil twin.' Take care! ‘Sno telling where she’s been.

F initials 'faithful friend,' one’s kemo sabe. Hands he’ll lend.
F starts, in addition, 'fetch.'* Which kid’s the khaver, which the kvetch?

G initials 'gemini.' (One pair I know’s called Clem ‘n’ Cy.)
G, as well, starts 'gimoozaabi.'* (Etymology’s my hobby.)
      * Ojibwe and Potawatomi for “he/she looks out in secret.” 
A version of the word was made famous as part of the Lone Ranger saga.

H initials 'hologram.' Both boys; both bald. (One sports a tam.)
H initials 'Hortons.'* Tom (with Addie)? Famous soaps phenom.
        * Twins, one of whom appears on soap opera "Days of Our Lives"

I starts 'ihmiskaksoset.'* a pickle to pronounce? You bet
I intials 'Ito teens.'** Of Nippon Pop they're former queens.
     * Footnotes here and below to come: a work in progress)

J initiates 'jumeau.'* (Have I the accent right? Who’d know!)
J begins 'Johansson,' too. Young Hunter’s Scarlett’s twin. (Who knew?)

K initiates 'karoha,'* twin in Samar (not Samoa).
K, as well, kicks off 'kembar,'** heard mispronounced on NPR.

L initials 'lookalike.' (Is not Tot Two the cuter tyke?)
L, as well, initials 'likeness' – equal parts sauvage and "tyke"ness.

M initials 'mirror image.' Each exchange with him’s a scrimmage.
M, as well, starts 'matching set.' Brings meanings new to ‘tete-a-tete.’

N initials ‘nother self.' Each crows, “My bro’s a freakin' elf.”
N, as well, starts 'Norvo girls.' (That ‘s Mim and Liv to you, you churls.)

O initials 'opp’site number.' One be dumb and Two be dumber.
O, as well, starts 'Olsen twins.' Much like the Norvos, for their sins.

P initiates 'pretender.' One’s of unspecific gender.
P, as well, starts 'Polish* pair.' These twins make films. (Pretend you care.)

Q initiates 'quintuplet.' Paired’s a triplet with a couplet.
Q initials Brothers 'Quay.' They’re into film and puppet play.

R begins 'reciprocal.' One sib is hip; one sib is dull.
R, as well, begins 'reflection.' Viva natural selection!

S initials 'symbiant.'* (Can you name ev’ry Dax? I can’t)
S, as well, starts 'surrogate.' Resemblances seem clear…somewhat.

T initials 'Tweedle brothers': selfsame father; diff'rent mothers.
T starts 'twin' as well as 'tvilling': flesh and spirit both unwilling.

U initials 'Ubermensch,' the better self (in Deutsch, not French).
U, as well, starts 'ut’rine double.' Both survive…within a bubble.

V starts 'verisimilar' – not fine when Heinrich Himmilar.
V, as well, starts 'vardøger.' To play the twin’s been hard on ‘er.

W starts 'Wetherbee.' He’s Tony’s twin. A wether, he.
W starts 'wulawa.'** Both simulacra drool, a flaw.

X starts 'xystos.' X starts 'xyst.' They’re language doublets. (Don’t be pissed.)
X, as well, starts 'Xerox copy.' (She’s so slick. Why’s he so sloppy?)

Y initials 'Young.' One's Will.* Twin Rupert fills this double bill.
Y initials 'yokalogue.' This pair’s enough to choke a blog.

Z? That letter kickstarts 'zwilling' (two’s okay, though three prove chilling)
and 'Zikarsky' (Bjorn und Bengt*). Enough with twins. My vision’s spent.

"Steve Colbert and Dumas pere engage in trading zingers..." Twins at War: A Constrained Nonsense in Rhyme

     [Stephen Colbert and Alexandre Dumas, pere] 

Steve Colbert and Dumas, pere engage in trading zingers.
While pere resorts to spare retorts, Steve launches missiles -- stingers!

     [Neil deGrasse Tyson and Michael Eric Dyson] 

DeGrasse the Ty- and Michael Dy-: this pair of bre’rs fell out.
While Dyson preach’d, deGrasse Ty- teach’d what space be all about.

     [Jesus of Nazareth and John the Baptist] 

Jesus caps St. John de Bap’s unsavory behavior.
Result...? De Bap's "The Art of Raps," while Christus kills in "Savior."

"Fingers fly yet fale to function: typists tipe a typo..." Typos Common and Uncommon: A Constrained Nonsens in Rhyme

Fingers fly yet fale to function: 
typists type a typo.
Vision’s fownd at fawlt? Keen readers 
spot the optick t”eye”po.
Scribbling Holie Skribcher, thou art 
subject to the “thy”po.
Czeching lysts of bodie partz, one 
can't avoid the “thigh”po.
Reporters for the Bankok Post mae 
cum akross the “Thai”po.
Each habberdahscher's copyriter 
mite kommit the “tie”po.
Sashimi menyus ‘rownd Sendai kon-
tane at leest one “tai”po.
And speeking “lyke a pyrut-king re-
sults in one's t”aye-aye!”po.

Open letter re: the POTUS pardon power

     Dear Donald,

Go p****n yourself! 

     Sincerely,

The Rest of the Planet

"What's new? 'Zay-Soo..." Miss Pitts (As Per Fitz): A Constrained Occasional Crambo

(Several days ago, on June 3rd to be precise, my brother Fitzgerald emailed me an image of a yellowed newspaper clipping he had recently discovered in a long-unopened book. The image is of an obituary notice for ZaSu Pitts and, though undated, it must be from the unidentified newspaper's edition of June 8, 1963, because in it the actress is referred to as having died "yesterday in Good Samaratian (sic) hospital" and Miss Pitts is officially recorded as having passed away on June 7th of that year. This Friday, June 8th, cineastes will mark the 55th anniversary of the publishing of that obituary with a reading of the occasional lines appearing below. Won't you join them?) 

What's new?
"Zay-Soo."
"Zay-Soo"? 
'Tis true.
Says who?
ZaSu...
now you.
(Who knew?!) 

"U...U...U: U's in love with you, you, you..." U Loves You, Baby: A Constrained Nonsense in Rhyme

U, U, U: 
U’s in love with

you, you, you – 
not the pitcher
Yu, Yu, Yu, 
nor the actress
Yuu, Yuu, Yuu.
    * Yu Darvish and Yuu Ayase

U, U, U: 
U’s in love with
you, you, you. 
Masekela,
Hugh, Hugh, Hugh? 
Nope, nor Welsh named
Huw, Huw, Huw. 

U, U, U: 
U’s in love with
you, you, you…
not your trees of
yew, yew, yew – 
trees you’ll need to
hew, hew, hew.

U, U, U: 
U’s in love with
you, you, you. 
(As you shear your
ewe, ewe, ewe, 
note what shade’s her
hue, hue, hue.)

U, U, U: 
U’s in love with
you, you, you. 
Yo-Yo Ma? Not
true, true, true. 
(If not Ma, then
who? Who? Who?)

"Allied 'A's address Titian's..." Dopple Dreaming or Twigments of My Imagination: A Constrained Dualphabet

     Renaissance art notable dreams of working in the altogether.

Allied 'A's address Titian's 
absurd apparitions:

“Tish” dreams/wishes/seems 
to wave all inhibitions.

     Baseball's Berra dreams of visiting the Old Country. But whose? 

Both 'B's be 'bout Yogi's 
bewilderin' bogies:

this game Hall-of-Famer's 
abstainin' from hoagies. 
Indeed, Yogi's feed rests on 
plated pierogies!

     Angel (retired, Charley-type) dreams of failing to nix a gambling jinx.

Coupled 'C's conjure Farrah's 
cock'mamie chimeras:

Ms. Fawcett, her jaw set, 
hurls snake eyes at Harrah's. 

     Powerful dream persuades Al Capp hottie she's still a hooker looker. 

Duple 'D's display Moonbeam's 
delusional daydreams:

"Still fine," mulls McSwine. 
"Mine ain't needin' no face creams."

     Poor Bo, dreaming of future unemployment, envisions only umbrage.

Echoed 'E's earmark Derek's 
eccentric etherics: 

both show broad-boob'd Bo 
givin' vent to hysterics.

     Infamous foreign agent Hari dreams of heading south of the border.

Fellow 'F's finger Mata's 
full-farcical fatas,

wherein (note her grin!) 
wry spies pummel piñatas.

     Uncle in grisly "Addams Family" sit-com* dreams of hitting the confessional. 

            
     * Not to be confused with John (or James or William) 
"Grizzly" Adams (1812-1860), who also spawned a TV series.

Gem'ni'd 'G's? Glyphs for Fester – he's 
gross with grotesqueries:

all will appall. (He'll 
confess just the less scaries.)

     Motown cager Prince dreams of teaching Geneology at a Detroit high school.

Half (four!) 'H's hold Tayshaun's 
hairbrain'd “h'llucinashauns”:

this Piston's insistin,' 
"My sibs? All ‘Alsashauns’!"

     Idiot Veep dreams of continuing to suck eggs, goose-type.

Idem: 'I's index thick Dick's 
inane "eedee fix" (sic). 

Agreed: when VP'd, 
Cheney zero'd for six. (Sick!)

     Calendar (Jalali-type) maven dreams his poetry's roundly pooh-pooh'd.

Join'd 'J's? Just O. Khayyam's 
joint jabberwock'd jimjams.

This Persian's "verse-'xcursions"? 
Per'verse-'ical flim-flams!

     Creator of Khingachgook (sic) dreams of failing to employ spell check.

Kin'd 'K's kindle Cooper's 
kookesque kama rupas:

Jim's Pathfinder spellbinders? 
Brimful o' bloopers!

     Lahore sage dreams of delaying enlightenment until tomorrow morning.

Let 'L's limn Le Buddha's 
lightheaded laputas:

nirvana's anon. Right now? 
Lime-Jello shootahs!

     Married man Massachusetts man dreams of scoring some illicit sex.

Matchin' 'M's max'mize Lodge's 
mind's muddl'd mirages:

Hank Cabot's a Babbett 
ISO "massages."

     Former network TV doc dreams of chugging rubbing alcohol.

Neighb'rin' 'N's notate Kildare's 
nonsensical nightmares:

Ye Doctor be crocked, sir, 
thus subject to bugbears.

     Okuda creature dreams of his own Trek series in reruns...forever.

One two 'O's? Only Bakula's 
outré oraculas,

airin' Scott's darin' 
re: space-time spectacula's.

     Political cartoonist dreams of getting his best ideas while dreaming.

Pairs o' 'P's portrays T. Nast's 
preposterous phantasts:

they'll fashion his passionate 
Tammany sarcasts.

     155-mph quick-service ace Andy dreams of illegal drug use.

Queu'd up 'Q's cue A. Roddick's 
"quite qwazy" quixotics:

So fast we're aghast. 
(Is Rod usin' narcotics?)

     Toys 'R' Us icon dreams of putting 'base' back in 'customer base.'

Rhymin' 'R's relate Geoffrey's 
rude, radical rev'ries:

this mascot shows tots lots 
of noir sides mom ne'er sees!

     Cannibal's sado-dream exposes his criminality as largely genetic.

Sim'lar 'S's show Lector's 
sick, stark-ravin' spectres

as Hannibal's Nana scrawls: 
"I ♥ dissectors!"

     Tour cyclist dreams of enjoying scenic French views.

Two twin'd 'T's trace Sir Lance's 
(tsk tsk!) tomfool trances:

Our star's worst bete noir’s 
when his next Tour de France is.

     Overstuffed and underfoot Pillsbury mascot fails to curb his appetite.

Un'form 'U's unveil Doughboy 
in unhinged Utopoi:

his dream? Clotted cream...
atop tow'rin' gâteau, boy! 

     Hollywood (and Vine) icon Walter weighs politics of a career-long type casting.

Vis-a-'V's? Views o' Pidgeon's 
vertiginous visions. 

Each movie's to prove he 
won't play Dionysians.

     Rudyard's white-man's-burden creation dreams of a primate chorale.

Wedded 'W's* wield Kim's 
wild- (-'n'-woolly) -eyed whims

showin' Jungle Guy humm'd to by 
chimps chantin' hymns.

     * Since just prior to the turn of the last century, 
'W' has been pronounced 'dubya' -- i.e., in two syllables -- 
and is so pronounced here. How fast we forget.

     One Caesar, in X-rated dream, dons colorful and pricey designer underwear.

EXtra 'X's [x]* Galba's 
xiphoidal xibalbas:

in trances Galb' dances 
in dark Marc Chagall bras!

     * Pronounced 'ex,' as is said when one’s ticking a box.

     Charlemagne's youngish mistress dreams of being sweet-talked...
yet again!

Yok'd 'Y's yield up Himiltrude's 
yammerin' yakshatudes,

phantoms where Chas hums 
flat medieval platitudes.

     Ms. Pitts dreams of Oscar's Ernest's true mother's dream of...
(are you getting all this?)

Zwei 'Z's? Zut...don't miss 'em! 
Z-z-zaSu's "zombnamb'lism" 

nails Wilde's prim Miss Prism 
in wild Freudi'nism!