The Friends of Lady Mondegreen

Forfend! Forfend! Who’d be a friend to Lady Mondegreen?
The woman slew a gnu I knew and laid him on the green.

And yet the gal’s had sev’ral pals: one’s Thomas, Lord DeBoome,
who sued a gnu he knew, on whom Lord Thomas low'red the boom. 

Another mate she’s dated lately? Dr. Juan Muntz-Wayjez.
Juan skinn'd her cat. On top of that, he dock’d her one month’s wages.

I once was told the Lady'd stroll'd with Elder Downen-Growpter.
That man’s a rake. He stalk'd my snake, then held her down and groped her. 

When toothache struck, "'Degreen" had luck with Captain Irv Le Smoler,
who brush’d her gums with just his thumbs, then capp’d a nerveless molar.

Affairs she's had with pairs of lads. There's Ronnie 'n' Bjorn Plummer.

Ron numbers ran. Young Bjorn was an Iranian-born plumber.

This lady knew a host, a slew. The best one? Herr Rhett Henchun.

Rhett danced the jig. And, in his wig and vest, won her attention. 

With husband Fred (she fin'ally wed Alfredo FitzHone-Chaddow)
she's not shared beds. It turns out Fred's afraid of his own shadow.

My verse must end. But I'll not friend the Lady Mondegreen.
She slew her husband. Why? Because! (And laid him on the green.)
 

Voices from the Nursery

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
eating her curds and whey.
Said Muff to a spider who sat down beside her,
"Ya'll git yer own whey! F**kin' A!" 

Ding, dong, bell.
Pussy's in the well. 
Who put her in?
You did? Bloody Hell! 

Mary had a little lamb.
Like snowdrift was its fleece.
And everywhere that Mary went
the lamb went. Jeez Louise! 

Three blind mice! 
See how they run!
They all ran after the farmer's wi-...
Hey! Are we freakin' done? 

Baa-baa, Black Sheep:
have you any wool?
Not one bagful?
What a load o' bull!

Abel's Up in the Air or 13 Losers: a Nonsense DIY

Abel's up in the air.
Sluggish out of the box.
Lax when after the fox. 
Unlike NFL ___________.

lox   jocks   flocks   socks   cocks   docs

Cedric’s earn’d our contempt.
Always down in the dumps.
Can’t get over speed bumps
Loath to taking his ___________.

mumps   jumps   lumps   humps   thumps

Efrem’s up to his ears.
Grazes outside the fence.
Months behind with his rents.
Isn’t worth your two _____________.

pence   stents  Kents   cents   gents   dents

Gerhardt’s up to no good.
Skirts the top of the heap.
Won't look after his sheep.
Those who read of him _____________ .

creep   peep   reap   sleep   weep   (bleep)

Ilja skates on thin ice.
Never’s in on the joke.
Piglet in his own poke.
Someone fix him: he's ___________.

smoke   Coke   woke   broke

Kyle spends life on his knees.
Too far out on a limb.
He gives in to each whim
Senor Blue-Sky: that's ___________.

brim   vim   Tim   grim   him

Manute's lacking a map.
Won't abandon the nest.
Last bloke in on each jest.
Manute! Give it a _____.

test   breast   chest   guest   pest   rest

Opie’s down (some say "out").
Well beyond the perim-.  
Opie’s nearing his lim-.  
(The whole gang feels for _________.

shim   Tim   brim   vim   him   Jim

Quark keeps on the QT.
Never's off to the races.
Can’t match our swift paces:
It’s the saddest of ________________.

aces   braces   cases   faces   places   maces 

Steve lives under a spell.
Always over the top.
Self esteem? Not one drop.
Even fails as a _________________

cop   mop   flop   pop

Uve’s down the "up" stair,
doesn’t lower his voice.
Options? None that are choice..
(In short, not very _______.

Boyce   noice   Joyce                                                                                                         
Waxman’s kept under wraps.
He's (without the "X" factor)
toss'd under the tractor.
(His wife? Friends __________.)

redact her   just sack'd her   bush-whack'd 'er   unpack’d her   

Yazzer’s "back of the yards,"
too far out of the zone,
well beyond reach by phone.
(Someone! Throw Yaz a _____!)

cone   drone   moan   roan   crone   bone

A Run of Covers

Time shall march on, but to flamacues new.
Shall the future breed cover bands…? Surely a few.
Able Was I: only palindrome lyrics.
Cadre: few triumphs, and all wholly Pyrrhics.

Effusion: a foursome less fab, more forlorn. 
Ghosts In Machines: two kazoos, one French Horn. 
I, Jambot: from Ijamsville. Don’t know from jam. 
Klangfarb: still tepid about ’em I am. 

Mnemosyne’ll jam in an unGrateful vein.  
Operabuffa shall classic'lly train. 
Quare…? They'll win EuroVis ’40...nude.
Stone Stupid: pre-pre-teens whose caliber’s crude.  

The Rays: artists formerly known as UV. 
The Wax…? Yeah, they’ll polish your ride. For a fee. 
San Yzidro:  this band's pious, bless’d by a pope.
As there’s bound to be others, abandon all hope!

A R T S Varia

(A, R, T and S reassembled yield (with added punctuation) 
a series of words and phrases initiating an array of 
explanatory, albeit nonsense, verse.) 

‘Stra’ is just 'straw' drawl’d in rural UK. 
Sart? Central Asians, some. Some? Hard to say. 

Sr. T. A.? None but Sister Tee-Anne, third-grade teacher/ol' bat. 
Rats? Hu-u-u-uge mice (see “S” Rat).    

‘Tra’s’? Just ‘s(m)art’ backwards. Its order’s reversed! 
Stars? Bodies heav(en)ly. (Pray that none burst!)   

Tras? They’re tin coins, known to net but small worth. 
“Tra”s?* Sonants sung 'round the day of His birth.
     * As in  “tra-la-la”s    

Sat’r?* Man/goat. 
“S” Rat? 19th lab rodent (see ‘rats’) in experiments needing a coat. 
     * Satyr

Arts? More than single aesthetical skill. 
Ar’st?* You’re in "custodie officielle." 
     * Arrest  

Tsar? This guy’s Russia's ex-ruler (so-called). 
“T.S., Ra.”?* "Tough shit, Egyptian! You’re bald!”
     * Ra was a Sun god in ancient Egypt.

R. SAT? Achievement test taken for Russe. 
Rt. SA*? Coro** to Chile's caboose.
     * South America   **City in Venezuela

At’rs?* Aromas: a scent and a smell. 
A. T., Sr.? Treacher's** paterfamil-.
     * Attars   ** Arthur Treacher 

‘Rast’? From ‘reest’*: balked (lingua veterinarian). 
‘R’sta’? What’s said to a short Rastafarian.
     * Rast is past participle of ‘reest,’ a Scots dialect word 
said of a horse and meaning “to go.”

Ast’r?* When a body is early to rise. 
As’rt?** What is said when we categorize.  
     * Astir   ** Assort

Tas’r? Electroshock gun, used to stun. 
Tars? British sailors (named Jack, every one).

T’R S.A.! Urges you: “T(ou)r S(outh) A(merica)!” 
R’tas? Some sat(y)r’-revers’d. (Esoterica) 

Yes, he' a half man / half goat…in reverse, 
marking sheep-headed fun…and how run out's my verse.

A DIY Alphamnemonic

(Two vowels, three consonants. How does he do it...?)

A‘s the letter 
setting all in motion.
B’s the glyph which 
solves the riff, "Wha's next...?"
C continues 
stuff those two initial,
fleshing out one's 
melodie du texte.
D arrives to 
make a fourth at table.
E hits post that 
principal quartet. 
Var’ously as-
sembl’d they spell ____...
 _______________________.
­­

...abcde,
a “word” which makes im-
perfect sense (as yet).

...badec.
The term you see is…
well, the term you get.

...cabed,
a name – disastrous! -- 
sans a ‘soubriquet.’

...de ba'c --
de ba(n)c one borrows 
from when dodging debt.

...Ed Cab,
who’s filthy rich. (Ed 
owns a corp'rate jet.)

...Acbed.
He’ll share with you -- sans 
tea – a tete a tete.

...C bead,
which follows A and 
B beads, I should bet…?

...Beca'd --
which might mean Beca 
would enjoy this fete.  

Alphabetical Aspects of '-Chi'

Dapper Don Ameche aids a balding Ed Balducci.
Campo (yum!) di Bocce’s home to Italy’s Il Duce.

Ignorat’ Elenchi quotes sequential Fibonnacci.
Soprano Galli-Curci curtsies, dancing Hootchie-Kootchie.
Matthew Groening’s Itchy hurls, romancing Jughead’s Archie.
Pakistan’s Karachi fatwas glitt'ring Liberace.
Happy-New-Year Mochi? “Not when God is dead!” notes Nietzsche.
In Nevil’s On the Beach, he pens how senior cits grow paunchy. 
Accupressure’s Qu-Chi chews up Justis playing “Raunchy.”
Big Night’s Stanley Tucci brews up martial art form Tai Chi. 
“…cedeme Un Chi Chi” croon collaborees from Vichy. 
Maids from Weeki-Watchee swoon for frat boys’ Beta Xi Chi.
Shirley Yamaguchi soon licks Dragonball Z Chi Chi.

I take a knee for ev’ry ‘chi.’ To each: arrivederci, ‘chi’!

As Santurs Skirl

As santurs skirl, 
one chap (no churl)
dons skirts of pearl;

tight folds, unfurling,

form a curl;

he twirls, they swirl.

If me, I’d hurl;

but dervish, whirling,

gets the girl.

Ade's Ken & Other Quatrains

Ade's* ken of economy? 
Groundless; astounding:
Ade sins for a penny.
[Ade’s in for a pounding.] 

How ever shall "done deals" 
or faits accomplis grow
with Congress misled
by the whites who say "Negro!"?

Islamicist cinemen,
Shi'ite or Sunni,
shall garner no Oscar: 
they haven't a Clooney.

John's* Trask family dwells
on the outskirts of Eden:
both Trask twins be "-ists":
Aron, "pur-"; Caleb, "hedon-"

* Author Steinbeck

Miss Sawyer's* brew notes
grew -- they waxed iambic -- 
once arid Mary'd
had a little lambic.

* Mary Sawyer, later Mrs. Mary 
Tyler, of "Mary's Lamb" fame

Romney’s Humvee's chauffeur'd
by a dormant Sir Dwight Streeme:
Inquire, when Ike wakes, "What be
Mitt's Hummer's Knight's dream?"

This should aid your recall
of the Legion of Decency
calling "Nude Pledge of Allegiance"
indecent: see...!?!

Unable to pen
a penultimate line post
fail’d Alzheimer's tests? 
That's a sure Auld Lang Signpost!  

Xiu -- chef at Panda Baroque
on Quemoy --
serves a sig dish call’d 
Johann Sebastian Bach Choy.

Acrostic on Sgt. "Jim" (N. Smithe-Magee)

An acrostic for an old Team Enlistment buddy, along with a tip of the kepi to the terza rima and its ABA, BCB, CDC and so forth rhyme scheme -- not to mention the iambic pentameters recalling...what? The Aeneid? The Divina Commedia? The FitzGerald translation of the Rubaiyat? Dylan Thomas's "The Force that Through the Green Fuse Drives the Flower"? Whoa, Nellie! 

So-so it goes, for '-ons' there's always 'goings-.'
Gone, gone the way of sales slips: door-to-door,  
trad trade winds bait-'n'-switching Bibles, Boeings. 

Julia A. ("The World's Worst Poet?") Moore;
Iddesleigh, McKittrick, Ros's home;  
Myself by Edgar Guest, and sim'lar spore -- 

nor be there shame link’d -- chain-link’d -- to some tome,
some trophy house, some strophe-smitten verse.   
(My word! My own lies largely fill'd with loam.)   

Imps, idjits, imbeciles, inanes wa-a-a-a-ay worse: 
'tis these who (whos who, lonely, stand and wait) 
hold hope 'gainst hope to halt a passing hearse...

even as their switching hour runs late. 
(My words: how fleetly fled once fun's begun!) 
"And so it goes"? (So raps some reprobate.)

"Goes out..." Young Gunga Din's now "gunga done." 
Each Moore, each Ros, each uninvited Guest:  
Each ends, eating of pudding and of pun. 

Achoo! A Constrained Nonsense Alphabet with Footnotes

"A-…A-…A-…A-…A-…A-…
A-…A-…A-CHOO!" 
(When a sneeze leads a queue,
what bats second is true!)* 

Charleston’s caribou** chew***
on Don's didgeridoo.**** 

* Hungarian superstition has it that a sneeze kicking off a storyteller's tale confirms its truth, no matter how outlandish said tale might sound -- or so insists Zoltan Kodaly in explaining the "sneeze simulation" measures occupying the opening bars of his folk opera "Hary Janos." 
** The plural is formed with or without an 's.' 
*** No doubt a Charleston Chew?
**** Duck? Trump? Ameche? Quixote? Diego de la Vega? Dirk of Dowdee? In any case, the verse saddles an unidentified Don with a taste for offbeat musical instruments. 

Esrom? Fetid! Foul! Whew!* 
(Is that false? Nope, it's true.
Gosh, gents: grant Grant** his due! 
Hush your hullabaloo!)

* A cow’s milk cheese with a pungent aroma.
** Cary? Hugh? Ulysses S.? Possibly. But more likely the reference is to Kenneth Grant, poet, ceremonial magician and advocate for the Thelemite religion.  
 

Smell I Istrian Stew?
Made with Japanese yew?
Says who? Kanga! (Roo, too, 
which leaves loads left to do.)

Do you Methylene Blue
poos? Nope! Not in our loo! 

Off'ring "Ol' lamps for new..." 
Plaited palm? Nope! bamboo.* 

* The "ol' switcheroo" performed upon the cry, "New lamps for old..." heard in Scheherazade's "Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves." Precisely who makes the offer here remains unclear, nor do lamps fashioned from reeds or raffia successfully meet local fire safety codes. 

"Make it quick! Put me through!
Really, ree-e-e-ea-ly big shew! 
Sting sings, 'Skip to my Lou.'
Then it's tirami su..."* 

* TV Impresario Ed Sullivan appears to be alerting his audience of his intention to provide "sweet treats for everyone" -- i.e., exotic desserts for all after a round of folk dancing: a (sweet?) suite of special addenda to one of his weekly variety hours. 

What's that goo on your shoe?
Ugh! ‘Tain’t Vitamin Q. 
Oy! The Wandering Jew * 
wonders, "'X' stands for...who...? " **

* The Wandering Jew, interestingly (in light of the first line of this verse) a shoemaker in some versions of his legend, well knows that 'X' stands for the Christ -- the very cove he's been wandering about looking for. Vitamin Q is, of course, a dietary supplement promoting a successful search for answers. 
** Malcolm? Professor? Francis Bushman? Along with the wandering wondering one, we will perhaps never know.

What’s, then, your new world view?
Wa-a-a-a-a-ay more A.C.L.U.?
Climate change? Déjà vu?
Twitter? ZOMBIES?  
                               Adieu!