Off Ramps to Hades or Paved With Good Pretensions

     ‘Round 
Wash, D.C., the avs are paved
in macadams of money, 
     black'd bak-
sheesh backpack’d by pachs in sacks
(knap-, haver-, ruck- and gunny-).
 
      Most
Motown mileage…? Paved in gobs
of cobs* of obsolescence: 
     wan Nip-
pon Mot’ taught -- or so 'twas thought.
So: have Wo** learnt no lessons…?  
     * Cobblestones
     ** Chinese slang for a Japanese

      All 
vias* to the Vatican
are paved in men's machismo.
     Judas'd 
priest! Desist 'n' cease:
sheath 'neath your briefs your busy gizmo!
     * All roads leading to and from Rome,
expressed in a lingua Romana. 

     The 
streets to San Francisco…?
Paved in multi-colored mufti...
     haut de- 
sign’d by Sean.* Or Tufte.**
Or some magic dragon (Puff de...?) 
     * Entrepreneur Combs -- a Puff D-come-lately
in light of the earlier dragon similarly named and
referenced, if somewhat elliptically, in both a pop
pseudo-folk song and later in this stanza.     
     ** Designer Edward Tufte.

     Tourists
travel to LA on turnpikes
trimm’d in glit 'n' tinsel
     thinkin' 
Caddies pink must match their mink.
(P'rhaps pairs of out-sized fins'll?!)

     My! 
Main drags to Miami…?
Paved in powder, gloss, mascara,
     hair ex-
tensions, breast enhancements, sil-...
still, will khe sera sera...?

Aye, Aye! (Ay-Yi-Yi!)

O, Captains (America, Blood, Zero, Earth...):
thou be nowt if not captains courageous.
Sev'ral captains, however (there's never a dearth),
prove, on inquiry, captains outrageous. 
Might not each, switching ships (here's an ABC’s worth), 
change the universe...? Ponder these pages.

If Ahab had captain'd, instead of the Pequod, 
a carrack call'd Santa Maria,
then would Native Americans sigh with relief 
at the found'ring of "Chris's Idea"…?
And would hunting white whales, like all searches for grails,
now be hail'd as a fail'd panacea…?

If HMS Bounty'd been captain’d by Beefheart 
instead of by officer Bligh,
would its mutineers, rather than take to Tahiti, 
have open’d a bar in Dubai…?
And would Fletcher've been play’d not by Gable or Brando
but some far less self-absorb'd guy…?

If Endeavour'd been captain'd, instead of by Cook, 
by one Cap'n Horatio M. Crunch,
then would Botany Bay be one stop, since that day, 
on some serial cereal brunch...?
And would Cook's tours be publicized "Crunch Tours" instead...?
It’s a good bet they would. (Just my hunch.) 

If the schooner We're Here had as pilot Der Captain
of "Hans-und-Fritz" fame -- and not Disko,
then would young Harvey Cheyne have become Mama's bane
and migrated from Gloucester to Frisco,
where, no longer a kid, he'd do scenes in a vid,
playing Pancho to some sordid Cisco…? 

If ace Captain Eddie's belov'd Flying Fortress 
became Captain Eo's space vessel,
then would World War II prove a minor ado, 
scrub’d when Ed ask'd Herr Adolf: "Who'll wrestle!"…?
Or would spacetime get bent, with Ed's UFO sent
back in time to snuff young Georgie Jessel…?

If Flint and his Walrus became SS Feathersword 
and its eponymous captain,
would the foremention’d Feathersword balk at the switch, 
crying, "No bloody way I'm adaptin'!"?
And would Captain Fantastic, with no ship at all, 
of a sudden start speaking Sahaptian…? 

What if George -- "Captain Seafood" – would move to usurp
Captain Gantu's Galactic Armada…?
Would not Lilo and Stitch knuckle under and snitch…? 
What would happen…? In fact, next to nada:
George would grant Gantu's wish and serve everyone fish
with a side of baked beans, blah-de-blah-dah... 

What if Hook's Jolly Roger (once known as The Wasp)
were by Hornblower re-christen'd Sutherland…?
Then would Captain Horatio, thereby bereft, 
with no ship to return to the motherland,
taunt Herge's Captain Haddock, "You've no ship as well…?
Must we both end our days in some other land?"…?

What if Captain Insano had thrown in the towel…

Other captains who may feature in future alternate universes:
Captain January
Captain Janeway
Captain Kirk
Captain Kangaroo
Captain Kidd
Captain Lorca
Captain Marvel
Captain Morgan
Captain Nemo
Captain Obvious
Captain Picard
Captain Queeg
Captain Ron 
Captain Sisco
Captain Sparrow
Captain Spaulding
Captain Teague
Captain Underpants
Captain Von Trapp
Captain White
Captain Xavier
Captain Yuri
Captain Yamato
Captain Zoom
Captain Zack

Unlikely Understudies

   “Ladies and gentlemen: in this evening's 
performance of “Tintin Tours Tartarus,” the roles of 
Thompson and Thomson will be played by…

…Ms. Theda Bara and Mr. Yogi Berra.”
…Mrs. Laura Bush and Mr. August Busch.”
…Ms. Willow Bay and Mr. Turhan Bey.”
…Mme. Marie Curie and Mr. Finlay Currie.”
…Ms. Celia Cruz and Mr. Tom Cruise.”
…Ms. Jeanne Crain and Mr. Hart Crane.”
…Ms. Barbie Doll and Mr. Roald Dahl.”
…Little Miss Echo and Mr. Umberto Eco.”
…Ms. Tina Fey and Mr. Michael Faye.”
…Ms. Nadia Gray and Mr. Zane Grey.”
…Ms. Lena Horne and Mr. Paul Horn.”
…Mr. Harold Ickes and Mr. Dave Hickey.”
…Dick’s sister Jane and Alan Ladd’s Shane.”
…Herr Helmut Kohl and Ms Natalie Cole.”
…Ms. Lois Lane and Mr. Frankie Laine.”
…Ms. Mary Lamb and Mr. Wifredo Lam.”
…Ms. Vivien Leigh and Mr. Pinky Lee.”
…Ms. Mary Tyler Moore and Sir Thomas More.”
…Mr. Louie Nye and Mr. Bill Nighy.”
…Ms. Tatum O’Neal and Mr. Eugene O’Neill.”
…Ms. Kimberley Po and Mr. Edgar Allan Poe.”
…Mr. Anthony Quinn and Ms. Butterfly McQueen.”
…Mr. John Rambo and Mr. Arthur Rimbaud.”
…Ms. Rene Russo and M Jean Jacques Rousseau.”
…Ms. Rachel Ray and Mr. Alvino Rey.”
…Ms. Patti Smith and Mr. Ronald Eustace Psmith.”
…Mr. Louis Untermeyer and Mr. Samuel Untermeier."
…Ms. Missouri Vaun and Mr. Robert Vaughn.”
…Ms. Fay Wray and Mr. Man Ray.”
…Ms. Kelly Winn and Mr. Keenan Wynn.”
…Herr Max Weber and Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber.”
…Ms. Loretta Young and Herr Carl Gustav Jung.”
…Senor El Zorro and Mr. George Soros.”

(Curtain) 

It's a Mutin' Court, After All

The Kremlin he’s lootin’:
that’s Vladimir Putin.
He’s point guards recruitin’:
that’s Coach Morgan Wootten.
His own horn he’s tootin’:
Grigori Rasputin.
When movies not shootin,’
Dors draws drafts in Luton.

For some we be rootin.’

At others we’re hootin’…
while freedom of speech
our Supreme Court be mutin.’

Past second he’s scootin’:

Milwaukee’s Bill Bruton.
With Leibniz disputin’
be piss’d Isaac Newton.
His mummified suit in
sits ol’ -khamun, Tutan-.
A mite highfalutin’…?
That’s Roosevelt's “Gro(o)ton.”

At some we be hootin.’

For others, we’re rootin’…
while freedom of speech
our Supreme Court be mutin.’

Rhymes With 'Rhyme'

     Does the 
chyme of Miss Jean Brodie cause that 
lady’s chyme of passion…?
     Who’s caught 
chyming ev’ry mountain, forging 
streams, as chyme goes by…?
     When did 
“Buddy, can you spare some chyme...?” e-
clypse “The Chymehouse Blues”…?
     And shall we 
all not go together gath’ring 
wild mountain chyme…?

(Featured rhymes are 'prime,' 'crime,' 'climb.' 
'time,' 'dime,' 'Lime-,' and 'thyme.' Other
possibilities include 'chime,' 'clime,' 'grime,' 
'I'm,' 'mine,' and 'slime.' More rhyming 
to come: a work in progress)

Ms. Spelling's Misspellings

A is not for 'eightball,' Tori.
(B, though, IS for 'bdellium.')
C is not for 'seasick,' Spelling.
(D, though, IS for 'Djuka.')

E...? Not for 'Iago,' Tor,
nor F is not for 'effigy.'
G is not for 'Jeeves,' Ms. S,
nor H is not for 'aged.'

I is not for 'eyelash,' Tori,
nor is J for 'Django.'
K is not for 'caseload,' Tor,
and L is not for 'elephant.'

M is not for 'empress,' Miss,
nor N is not for 'enema.'
O is not for 'aubergine'
(though P IS for 'pneumatic.')

Q is not for 'cuticle,' 
nor R is not for 'aardvark.'
S is not for 'eskimo,'
nor T’s not for 'pteranodon.'

U's not for 'euphonium,'
nor’s V for 'weinerschnitzel.'
W...? Not for 'Dubya,' Spelling,
nor is X for 'exit.'

Y is not for 'wiseguy,' Tori,
nor is Z for 'dzeren.' (As for 
&...? No, Spelling, & is not for 
'wrap her sand!' nor 'ham/purse hand' nor 
'Rambo's Aunt' nor 'I'm bored Sand!' nor 
'hamper stand' nor 'amber'd Zan' nor 
'Am who am!' nor 'damn'd Roseanne' nor...) 
                              
           [da capo ad an extended spell]

Home Planet

Some who've liv'd here 

lov'd to lav.
Some who've lav'd here 

liv'd to lave.
Some who've laved here 

lov'd to leaf.
Some who've leaf'd here 

liv'd to loaf.
Some who've loaf'd here 

lov'd to luffa.
Some who've luffa'd 

liv'd to love.
Some who've lov'd here 

liv'd to laugh.
None who've laugh'd here 

lov'd to leave.

Gashly Punn'd Obits or A's Aloysius who sleeps with the fysius.

A’s Aloysius who sleeps with the fysius.
(A's also for Alfie, snuff’d snapping a salfie.) 
B is for Boris who fell from his horris.
(B's also for Bobby: ate tainted kohlrobby.) 

C is for Carla: dispatch’d in her parla.' 
(C's also for Clyde, in a pact suicyde.) 
D is for David, who fail’d to get savid,
(D's also for Dale, brain’d with golf-ball-sized hale.) 

E is for Evelyn: pierc’d by a jevelyn.
(Also Elise, fin'lly resting in pise.) 
F is for Faust, forced to "give up the gaust." 
(F's also for Frank – heard the Fat Lady sank.) 

G is for George who ate poisonous porr'g., 
(G's also for Gidget, whose body turn’d fridget.)
H is for Harry, whose corpse we should barry. 
(H is also for Henry, who perish’d in pen'ry.

I's for Ignatius: that cyst prov’d sebatius.
(I's also for Ida: got bit by a spida.
J is for Jim: surgeons saw'd off his lim.
(J's also for Judas who tried to eludas.) 

K is for Keith who waxed wa-a-ay too obeith.
(K's also for Keyser who suffer’d a seysier.) 
L is for Lance overwhelm’d by red ance, 
(L is also for Linda, who burn’d to a cinda.)

M is for Modred who ask’d, "Is this loadred...?" 
(M’s also for Morris: the levee proved porris.)
N is for Ned: no one knew he was ded.
O is for Oliver: shot (a revoliver). 

P's for Pandora, who hang’d -- oh, the horra! 
Q is for Quinn: too much tonicless ginn. 
R is for Ron who was quarter’d and dron.
S...? For Samantha: felt pills were the antha. 

T is for Tom: bought a gun; bought the fom. 
U ith for Uther who'th alwayth a luther.
V is for Victor: dead! (Obiter dictor)
W…? Wayne who’s most savagely slayne. 

X is for Xavier: jail’d (bad behavier). 
Y is for Yves: dead. (Left no one to gryves.)
Z is for Zeke, yet another turn’d cheke:
whosoever inherits the earth won't be meek.

Another Gamut: From A(back) to Zed

From aback to ahead. From astir to abed.
From hang'd to beheaded, garrotted to bled.
From an Irish goodbye in James Joyce's The Dead
to a "Caed mille failte" (IF "caed" rhym'd with "ped-").

From cash to cred. From nun to coed.
From "Alive...it's alive!" to "I’m better off dead!"
From House to Ed. From daring to dread.
From The Conqueror, William to "-ward (the) VIII(th), Ed-."

From famish’d to fed, extract to imbed.
From Lucy and Desi to Ethel and Fred.
From stood pat to fled, Nikkei to the Fed.
From G. B. Shaw's "ghoti" to Sgt. Jim's "ghled."

From toenail to head. From 'too' to 'instead.'
From Coal Miner's Daughter to Ballade of Jed.
From pure to inbred. From Nike to Ked.
From a morning ashore to two weeks at Club Med.

From follow'd to fled. From silver to lead.
From informed to mislead. From acquired to misread.
From Tia Maria to Great Uncle Ned.
From "-tigone (An-)" to "the King, -ipus" (Oed-)".

From Math to Phys Ed., poppadom to rye bread.
From a mood indigo to a fire engine red.
From cross file to shred. From skateboard to sled.
From oleo to "the expensiver spread."

From whispered to said. From slowed down to sped.
From atque to sed. From halyard to thread.
From "Empty your pockets!" to "Move right ahead!"
From a slap on the wrist to a trip to the shed.

From hitched to unwed. From remanded to pled.
From Aethelbald to Aethelraed the Unraed.
From Chita's Chihuahua to Sam's Samoyed.
From A, B through L, M, N, O, P...
                                                                              ...to Zed!

Doin' the Aspirational Spellcheck Shimmy

Whence heroes of yore,
like The Right Stuff's Chuck Yigger…?
Who cheers as the U.S.
files climate's hair trigger…?
Why praise for the Christian
but raze for the Uigher…?
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'xigger.')

Who black-listed Zero Mostel
and Pete Sigger…? 
Who back’d Michelle Bachman…?
Who blog’d "How we dig ‘er!"…?
Who’s cast bags of ballots for Palin…?
Go figger!
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'chthigger.')

Who neighs to his neighbor,
"My handgun's w-a-a-ay bigger"…? 
Who drives after guzzling
wa-a-a-ay too much ligger…? 
Who claims that the Drumpf 
has no need of a wigger…? 
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'djigger.')

On steroids, Team USA's cyclists 
proved quigger -- 
though doping's destroy’d 
more than one Major Ligger, 
while folks who should know better
chortle and snigger.
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'kkknigger.')

Who bans marijuana
but puffs a big cigger...?
Who boozes by gallon
and never jigger…?
Who flaunts G. I. Joe, 
dissing Eeyore and Tigger…?
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'thmigger.')

Who "pooh!"s Mendel's pea plants
but still calls him 'Grigger'…?
Thinks H'waii'ns by spaceship came,
not by out-rigger…?
And who doesn’t think
that the Drumpf's an Intriguer…?
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'houyigger.')

Who digs and defers to 
the Founders with vigor,
insisting all immigrants 
weather the rigor
of Homeland Security's 
brutal buttkigger…?
Amer'ca! 
(At least we no longer say 'sphligger.')

When promises made 
to the farm-produce piggers
deserve follow-through, 
who are A-one renegers…?
A hint: they've been bought; 
they're not zaggers or ziggers.
Amer'ca!
(At least we no longer say 'tschiggers.')

Extr'ordin'ry: some black folks 
call themselves 'squiggers,'
whose ancestors came as slaves, 
stuff’d in square-riggers,
whose kin, nonetheless, 
are all Anti-Def Liggers.
Why would folks -- black, white -- 
ever call others 'thiggers'…?
Because they're Amer'cans…? 
Just facts, ma'am...just figgers!
Amer'ca! 
(High time we no longer said 'mniggers.')

The Execution of the Executive or There Will Be B***d

"Extend your weapon. Draw a
bead.
For justice long denied you'd
bid."
Thus Fortune, in a dream, me
bade.

"He must not live to die in
bed,
who architects so beaucoup
bad.
Injustice must no longer
bide.

A thousand dimples to his
bod
you'll introduce with shot of
bird.
Pretend you're Hoppy (William
Boyd.)"

So spoke Dame Fortune, brazen
bawd.
"You be da trigger, -sman (Om-
bud-),
and do as my predictions 
bode."

Baboom! Baboom! Baboom! Ba-
boom!
Baboom! Baboom! Baboom! Ba-
boom!
Baboom! Baboom! (Nor no one
boo'd.)