'Mis-'adventures (11)

Missis- (Mrs. Sissis) -sippi.
Miso soup for you, not me.
Misquote Mr. Syngman Rhe…?
That's one miss'd opportunity.

 
Misfits…? One or two. (Or three...?)
Mise-en-scene-y scenery.
Miss Congeneality.
Misir wot…? Whose recipe…?
 
Misanthrope…? I hope not me.
Miss'd her: Sister Heavenly.
Ms. Liz (nee Miss Probert, she).
Misplaced party loyalty.
 
Misty’s play’d for Clint, not thee.
Misconstrued…? You, dude, should be.
Tillie: Miss Utility.
Meshack (sic)…? Where’d Shadrach be…?

Nine Men's Metiers (11)

Liev deGunnet-Holme: 

     state open-carry law opponent 
Phil E. G. Stayke: 

     sixth Borough short-order cook
Houston Knott-Rink: 

     lapsed AA attendee  
Pier E. Phewe: 

     post-doctoral candidate 
Harv S. d'Moone: 

     Autumnal romantic 
William ("Mo") DeLawne: 

     refusnik landscape architect 
Randy Marathon: 

     lecherous long-distance runner
Otto Partz: 

     mechanic's apprentice
Hugo Furst: 

     reluctant food taster  

Elderbrary (Unpub)

     (Archaedia Acres Retirement Community's lending 

library features book and video titles aimed at now-older 

readers navigating their golden years.)

 
L. Frank Baum’s "The Wizened of Oz" 
 
Tennessee Williams’s "A Streetcar Named Erectile Dysfunction" 
 
Louis Malle’s "Zazie dans le Metamucil" 
 
James Joyce’s "A Portrait of the Arthritic as an Ol’ Fart"  
 
Helen Gurley Brown’s "Sex with a Shingles Girl"  
 
Thorne Smith’s "Topper Takes a Nap"

  
John Updike's "Rabbit Redundant" and "Rabbit Resuscitated"
 
Howard Hawks’s "Bringing Up Bubbe"  
 
Alfred Hitchcock’s "Dial M for Menopause"  
 
Astrid Lindgren’s "Pippi Support Hose" 
 
Bernardo Bertolucci’s "Last Black Bottom in Leisure World"  
 
William Blake’s "Songs of Senescence"

 
A. A. Milne’s "Winnie Can't Pooh" (per GFH)   
 
A. A. Milne’s "Now We Are Sixty" (per GFH)   
 
"Toothless in Seattle"   
 
William Faulkner’s "As I Lay Decomposing" 
 
"The Olde Indifference Shop"

 
"The World According To AARP" 
 
"The Second Vespers of Miss Jean Brodie"  
 
"Senior Citizen Kane" 
 
"Nonagenerian Ninja Turtles"  
 
"Superannuatedman"

  
"The Karate Oikutsu"  
 
"To Kill An Early-Bird Special"   
 
"The Retired Rascals Get Hip Replacements"  
 
"Zen And The Art Of Zimmer Frame Repair"

  
"Some Prefer It Tepid"

 
 "Catch-102" 
 
"The Dental Implants at San Luis Rey"  
 
"Golden Years Boy"  

Eine Kleine Night (Unpub)

It was just one of those things, 
just one of those Almond rings,
one "boo-boo”’d blues of baritone Bing's.
Just one of those things. 

     Yes, it was just one of those things, 
just one of those static Clings, 
one of Sinatra’s "ring-a-ding-Ding"s.
Just one of those things. 

It was just one of those things, 
just one of Stowe's Evenings,
one frequent fib a fail’d POTUS Flings.
Just one of those things. 
     Yes, it was just one of those things, 
just one of Joe's* GOP wings, 
one of those Hankies "Hawkins Falls" wrings.
Just one of those things.  
          * Senator McCarthy 

It was just one of those things, 
just Jacques Cousteau’s coil'd Inner springs. 
(Jacques, who froze Juleps 'n' Singapore Slings,
jokes: "Cuz' Jacques duz doze t'ings.") 
     Yes, it was just that sort of thing,  
just one Ish Kabibblish king,*
one lyric lauding a Lemonade spring.**
Just that sort of thing. 
           * Cf Kyser's band personnel – specifically one  

     Ish Kabibble but any of several others as well.  
           ** Cf the Big Rock Candy Mountain 
 
It was just one of those things,
just one of Mars’ merciless Mings, 
one of those neon Nights of Beijing's.
Just one of those things. 
     Yes, it was just one of those things, 
just one of O's Oprah-blings, 
one of Paterno's Pornography rings.
Just one of Joe’s things. 
 
It was just one of those things,
just one of those Queer-quashin' stings,*
one of those Riffs -- "It don't mean a thing"s.
Just one of those things.  
            * Cf the Stonewall Inn  
     Yes, it was just one of those things, 
just stuff that stiff singer Sting sings, 
one of those Tangs…like Buffalo wings.
Just one of those things. 
 
It was just one of those things,
just (uno...dos...) Underlings,
one of those peerless portrayals of Ving's.*
Just one of those things. 
          * Actor Rhames 
     Yes, it was just one of those things,  
just one of those warm-wax'd Wings,*
one of those Xs that censorship brings.
Just one of Moe’s** things. 
           * Cf the fatal flight of early aeronaut Icarus. 
           ** X-rated film director Morris Lesse 
 
It was just one of those things, 
just one of Ma's (Yoyo's) strings, 
one of those songs with "Zing...zizzy...zing..."s,*
just one of those things... 
           * Cf "Italian Street Song" from Naughty Marietta. 
      ...and it was great fun...but it was  
just one of those things.  

I Know My Aphs (11)

My road is paved with good intentions.
Whither does it lead…?
My chain can’t hide its weakest link.
Is strength still guaranteed…?
My kitchen’s made for watching pots,
but will those bad boys boil…?
I read of “water ev’rywhere,”
but does it mix with oil…?
 
I take a stitch. If done in time,
how many might it save…?
I’ve got no clue what miles you took.
An inch was all I gave.
The house I live in’s glass. Should I use
caution throwing stones…?
Are sticks and stones like words…? Do all three
lead to broken bones…?
 
How distant from the apple tree
do apples tend to fall…?
If sovereign states divide in parts,
how many parts has Gaul…?
My geese all get their share of sauce.
Do ganders, too, partake…?
I have my cake. Have I, as well,
the will to eat my cake…?
 
Can I arrays of round holes fill
by plugging in square pegs…?
How best to calculate my chickens…?
Count my unhatch’d eggs…?
I meditate on time and tide,
in hopes they’ll wait for me.
What’s there to say about the rest…?
“The rest is history”…?

Mr. Knowall (11)

Drumpf loves the stars ‘n’ stripes. 

Drumpf loves ‘em, billowin' or furl'd...
Yes, Drumpf knows more about the flag
than anyone in the world.
Drumpf loves the brain. Drumpf loves the brain stem

and the frontal lobe...
Yes, Drumpf knows more about the brain
than anyone on this globe.
Drumpf loves his Christianity:
the Cross, the Virgin Birth...
Yes, Drumpf knows more about the Lord
than anyone else on earth.
Drumpf loves his mineralogy…
...loves quartz and tuff and granite...
Yes, Drumpf knows more about those rocks
than anyone on the planet.
Drumpf loves the Giant Panda bear...
...its black eyes, great paws, nose…
Yes, Drumpf knows more about those bears
than anyone in the cosmos.
Drumpf loves to lie. Drumpf loves the guile. 

Drumpf loves prevarication...
Yes, Drumpf knows less about the truth
than anyone in creation.

The Hypochondriac (Unpub)

I’ve been ass-over-teakettl'd, beat all to hell,

been collaps’d, crush’d 'n' crumpl’d...demolish’d as well.
 
I'm exhausted, enfragmented, fallin’ apart,

gone to pieces, gumm’d up, hosed. (I'm hurt to the heart.)
 
I’m injur’d, inop’rable, jackknifed ‘n’ janky,
kaput, knacker’d, k-o'd. (Please, lend me a hanky.)
 
I’m lousy 'n' limpin’. I’m muck’d, mess’d about. 

I'm nail’d, on the outs, out o’ whack. (I’m just out.)
 
I’m plumb pulverized, quash’d. I'm rack'd, ruptured 'n' rent. 

I am run-down 'n' riven. I’m screw’d up. I’m spent...
 
...topsy-turvy 'n' totally trash’d, tucker'd out, 

tango-uniform’d, unglued, unhing’d. (I’m a lout.)
 
I’ve been voided 'n' vanquish’d. I’m wither'd 'n' weak.
I've been X’d out. I’m yucky. Been zapp’d.                         
                                                               (I’m unique.)

I Can't Get Past the Hair (Past)

Hey, Gotham Town!
Who’s slinking down
that escalator stair…?
Despite his myth,
he’s short on pith.
(And what’s it with
that hair…?)
 
The umpteenth time
he blusters, “I’m
a bigly billionaire!”
I beg him, “Bro,
please let it go!”
(Be that a ‘fro…
that hair…?)
 
He pouts, “I plan
a Muslim ban.”
(Most muse, “He can-
not dare.”)
Awhile he’ll stew,
not think it through,
and then shampoo
his hair.)
 
His twitter feed…?
Misogyny’d.
Chauvin'd…? Indeed,
he’s there.
Perhaps he can’t
control his rant.
(What…? Plug-implant-
ed hair…?)
 
Of tax returns
a show he spurns.
(He never learns
to share.)
The man is ill,
a psycho. (Still…
that’s one weird hill…
of hair.)
 
He’s “crim’nally
uncurious,” Mark
Shields reveals
on air.
Perhaps he is.
If so, his biz.
(Do stylists frizz
that hair…?)
 
Gals...? Grabs he (gads!)
their p words -- adds,
“they let you, lads,
nor care.”
Does ‘Vanka blink…?
Does ‘Vanka wink…?
(Does ‘Vanka think
that’s hair…?)
 
The handicapp’d
he mock’d. Rubes clapp’d.
And Congress napp’d.
His par-
ry…?.“Never did!
Me…? God forbid!”
(The man’s pure id…
cum hair.)
 
Him…? Navigate
a ship of state…?
We’ll all catch hate-
de-mer.
He lacks all skill
for steering. (Still,
I’m in…until
the hair.)
 
Into each room
he roams…? Ka-boom!
He sucks up
all the air.
Narcissus-like
he grabs each mic.
(Do people like
that hair…?)
 
Who sang at Don’s
inaug’ral…? B’yon-
ce…? Bono…? John…?
Did Cher…?
No stars came out.
‘Twas all about
(no doubt) that sprout
of hair.
 
In thrall to lies,
he falsifies.
He fails at Truth
or Dare.
His fibs ‘n’ guiles
extend…for miles.
(Who reconciles
that hair…?)
 
He made a vow
to disallow
Barack’s Obama-
care.
Perhaps he will.
(Most hope not.) Still…
I’ve had my fill
of Herr.
 
He now eschews
grand South Lawn views,
prefers to choose
his lair.
At Mar-a-Lago
stay! Okay…? (Say…
is that hay...
or hair…?)
 
His border wall…?
In dead free fall.
(He specs expects
to pare.)
Claims he: “Some folks
don’t get my jokes.”
(Then Fallon pokes
his hair.)
 
The Press…? It’s dead:
He tweets instead.
The man’s a head-
case rare,
each twitter feed
a bitter screed.
(He is, indeed,
all hair.)
 
To pay his lenders…?
God forfend! Here’s
him: “Zut! C’est la
guerre!”
Then writes ‘em off.
Then cheats…at golf!!
(Still…what God-awf-
ul hair!)
 
Attache’s ears
Attacked…? State fear’s
that Cuba spears
their share.
Did foreign thugs
deploy those bugs…?
(Ill-fitting rugs
ain’t hair.)
 
Aside from ISIS --
still a crisis --
name one vice he’d
pare…?
Prescription drugs…?
“So sad,” he shrugs.
(Hey! Are those plugs
you wear…?)
 
So: will this worm
serve out his term…?
Will White House germs
he bear…?
His overreach
incites: “Impeach!”
(Say! Does he bleach
that hair…?)
 
Perhaps he’ll die
in office. I
to heaven ply
that prayer.
I do believe
that’s how he’ll leave.
(Is that a weave…
that hair…?)
 
So: what’s the poop…?
A wig…? A toup…?
What’s goin’ on
up there…?
Still, notwithstanding
all his lies,
the made-up guff
that liar plies...

...despite the hates
each tweet creates,
the myths with which
his base he baits,
although the cat’s
an autocrat
(and certainly
no diplomat)...

...and yet, in spite
of all of that,
I can’t get past
that hair…I still
cannot get past
that hair!

I Get 'Em Confused (Unpub)

Barney Frank and Bernie Sanders…?
One’s a crank and one meanders.
Both loathe drama – Shaw’s, Menender’s.
Bernie Frank and Barney Sanders.
 
Barnie Fracken; Burney Sand.
The one burns bright; the other's bland.
And both (please don’t misunderstand)
are li’ble to get out of hand.
 
Sandor Frankel; Barnhard Burns.
The first backs burial in urns
and plumps for stuff the second spurns.
They both would teach, though neither learns.
 
Sandy Frankburne, barberer --
in former life an arborer –
is now of thieves a harborer…
(And sand, of course, is far from fur.)
 
Sandra Bernhard; Binnie Barnes.
One unravels; t’other darns –
and neither gathers into barns.
(But aren’t y'all list’ners sick o' yarns…?)

Is Ellen Barkin'...? (Unpub)

Oliver’s hearty.
(Was Eliott ghoul’d…?)
They say Ben was blue.
Orville…? Wilbur…? Both right…?
As for Jeanne: D’Arc…and light,
while Olivia’s wild.
Oscar…? Wild as well. Barney…? Frank.
(Barry’s not white.)
 
Betty’s white. Joel is grey.
Went Felicia too far…?
With whom’s Debra been messing…?
(I know Roslyn’s kind.)
People ask, “Will Jim back us…?”
Dame May…? Always witty.
That Jack was no lemon
most researchers find.
 
Immanuel can’t,
though I'm promised James can.
We’ve seen Christopher walkin,’
and PDQ’s back.
Plus, I'm told that George went,
and that Kevin’s still spacey.
(Proactive celebrities…?
Never a lack.)
 
We’re sure Ron’s not silver.
(Was Lorne ever green…?)
John and William both hurt.
I can see Sharon’s small.
Irene…? Done. Edna…? Best.
But how crabby was Buster…?
How wooly was Monte…?
(Lucille was no ball.)
 
Natalie would,
although Coach Morgan wouldn.’
Michael J….? Foxy!
Was David not lean…?
As for Grange, Grooms and
Schoendienst…not one of ‘em’s red.
And I think Pink is pink…
if you know what I mean.
 
Cesar’s frank, Kwami’s brown,
although Dawn isn’t French.
Jack and Lewis aren’t black,
either. Who says George burns...?
We know Judith’s not light.
Folks claim Buddy was rich,
and I’m sure Fred was friendly…
But now it’s your turn.

Accounting Rhyme (Unpub)

One, two; one two!
What can one do…?
Have you no clue…?
     Three, four; three, four!
So: what’s it for…?
Can less be more…?
     Five, six; five, six!
Who plays such tricks…?
Who takes the licks…?
     Sev’n, eight; sev’n, eight!
Procrastinate…?
How long’s the wait…?

     Nine, ten; nine ten!

That...? Done! There...? Been! 

Remember when...?

     Ten, nine: ten, nine!

So: why the whine...?

Please give some sign! 

     Eight, seven; eight, seven!
Why’s vita so brev’ …? ‘N’
why wait must heaven…?
     Six, five; six, five.
Call this alive…?
When’s help arrive…?
     Four, three; four, three.
What’s with “To be…?”
Is it just me…?
     Two, one; two, one.  
Who’s having fun…?
What’s getting done…?
     Two, four; six, eight;
sev’n, five; three, one!
You call this fun…?
     Is aught e’er done…?
Is aught e’er done…?
Is aught e’er done…?