Chef Guevara's Signature Dishes (Unpub)

Fettuc’Che’ne Alfredo
Fish 'n' ‘Che’ps
Su’Che’
Kim’Che’

Weiner ‘Che’nitzel
Dul’che’ de Le’che’
Souvla’Che’
‘Che'pes Suzette

’Che’sh Kabobs
Civi’Che’
‘Che’michanga
‘Che’p Suey

‘Che’colate ‘Che’ke
‘Che’cken Cacc’Che’torre
Quarter Pounder with ‘Che’ese
Rasperry ‘Che’llo

Three Climate Conditions (Unpub)

Unusual weather…?
Aurora Australis.
It lights up the south pole
nor ain’t Boralis.
     (To laugh at such naffness 
one has to be callous.)
'Tis true: you can't view it
from D.C. or Dallas.
 
Another phenomenon,
nifty et. al., is
the mistral. 'Twould take
a femina fatalis -- 
indeed, one who'd misplaced 
her garter or gallus --
to say it ain't fabulous.
     (Even George Halas
has hail'd it his "fav'rite
big breeze...inter alles" --
so much that some other gusts
claim to be "j'alous.")
 
A third, the monsoon, 
prais'd by cricketer Kallis,
is also endors'd
by ex-footballer Lalas...
 ...aforethought (with malice)
bears poet Novalis...
...slick Jackie Onallis (sic)...
Palace de Phallus...
...declines 'Qualis, qualis'
for Traci Rogalis...
...old Telly Savalas
stiffs young Thomas Tallis...
…"Deutschland uber alles"...
twin tubes of Vitalis...
...Prince Edward (with Wallis)…
Kab'larian's 'Xalis'...
...for all we know, Y’all' will now
wind down with ‘Zallis’!

Club 'MED' (Unpub)

"ArMED…? Nossir! Dangerous…? You betcha!"
     Jean-luc Martinez, Louvre Director, describes
prized objet d'art Venus de Milo.
 
"Blow ME Down ‘n’ pick me up!"
     Kirk Douglas reprises Ned Land sea shanty
from Disney's "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."
 
"CriME Dog's the name; baseball's the game!"
     Former Major League first baseman McGriff 
contemplates name ‘McGruff.’ 
 
"Don't know much about MEDieval thought;
don't know grammar near as good as I ought..."
     Mystery vocal stylist parodies Sam Cooke's
"What a Wonderful World This Would Be."
 
"Each droMEDary…? One! Each Bactrian…? Two!"
     Daniel Potts of The Silk Road Foundation 
opines on camel hump quantitization.
 
"FraMED! I was fraMED, I tell ya!"
     Dr. Sam Sheppard recalls his real-life saga
fictionalized in film "The Fugitive."
 
"GaME Day balls…? They're inflated to a gauge
pressure of between 12.5 and 13.5 psi."
     NFL's Dean Blandino summarizes league rule
during Ballghazi investigation.
 
"Howdy, hoMEDogs!"
     Sgt. Smithe-Magee mixes language registers
in opening remarks to audience at D.C. open mic.
 
"In MEDia res, baby: in MEDia res!"
     Roman lyric poet Horace describes where 

ideal epic poet ought to begin tale. 
 
"...Joe, ME Donkey want water; hold 'em Joe..."
     Belafonte quotes MacBeth quotes Manning 

using iconic calypso lyric.
 
"King ME, Davey!"
     Philistine Goliath importunes Hebrew David 

during Mideast checkers tourney.
 
"'LaME Duck'…? I'll give you 'laME Duck'!"
     Barack Obama confonts Mitch McConnell in 

Senate Coat Room.
 
"...MEDicinal purposes only, and I've felt poorly 

now for some fifty years."
     W. C. Fields paraphrases earlier comment 

on his much ballyhoo'd thirst.
 
"None naMED names!"
     Dalton Trumbo refers to his fellow Hollywood 

Ten colleagues.
 
"Oh, ME Darlin,' oh, me darlin'..."
     Huckleberry Hound sings -- incorrectly and 

off-key – a favorite ditty.
 
"...PomME De terre, creme fraiche, Gruyere 

cheese..."
     Jacques Pepin lists ingredients in recipe for
Pommes De Terre Macaire.  
 
"Question: when "Mr Ed" airs in France, is it 

call'd "M. ED"…?
     Walter R. Brooks, author of The Talking 

Horse, inquires about residuals.
 
"ReMEDial Chaos Theory" nominated for an 

Emmy…? How cool is that!
     Chris McKenna, having penned that episode 

of "Community," enthuses.
 
"SoME Day my prince will come."
     Adriana Caselotti recreates Snow White voice 

first heard in famed Disney animated film.
 
"Try some MEDoc, Doc!" 
     Sarge riffs on Flanders and Swann's "Have 

Some Madeira, M'dear." 
 
"UnMEDicated...but I mean, of course, unmitigated..

gall."
     (Explanatory comment in preparation) 
 
"Vulcans observe first contact protocols without 

violating the Federation's PriME Directive."
      Gene Roddenberry discusses the superiority of 

certain alien races to humans.   
 
"Which way to MEDina…?"
     Muhammad solicits directions from passing 

camel driver.
 
"Xebecs…? Rarely sighted outside the MEDiterranean,
thanks to me and my brig-sloop Speedy." 
     Thomas Cochrane, 10th Earl of Dundonald, 

reminisces about naval history.
 
"Your MEDium is your message."
     Marshall McLuhan misquotes himself.
 
"Zeus...Danae...Perseus...Polydectes...MEDusa: 
fewer than six degrees of separation."  
     Frigyes Karinthy tests his theory.

China-ese Food (Unpub)

          I.
     The waitstaff stands queued,
seeming ripe for a feud...
 
All the foodstuffs they serve are call’d 
'China-ese food.'
While some won ton soup's sipp’d, 

dim sum – some, dumb -- gets chew’d.
Much too much of it's wok'd. 
Next to none of it's stew’d. 
(‘Tis "mein joy"*...soyved mit' soy sauce
that’s artisan-brew’d.)

      * Attributed to Karl and, often, Groucho Marx]
 
          …(accrued...cued...allude)...
 
     note the first, leering lewdly,
his single eye glued... 
 
All the food here referr’d to's term’d
'China-ese food.'
But, if true, why’s the bird's nest soup
so misconstru’d…?
Is it, maybe, 'cuz over that bird's nest
one flew'd…?
Or, instead, because Jack's* 
one inscrutable dude…

      * Nicholson maybe, but more likely Soo.
 
          …(collude...do'd...constru’d)...
 
     …on the second (no prude),
who's seen raising his rood...
 
All such food -- rainbow-hued -- they've nam’d
'China-ese food' –
and how rarely be victu'ls
so var'ously hued!
Quite a lot be magenta'd;
no fewer be blued.
(Note how few of said hues 
seem the least bit subdued.
 
          …(delude...loo'd...denude)...
 
          II.
 
     …o'er the third (the most shrewd):
once his cow he's debut'd...
 
But which food might feed multitudes…?
China-ese food – 
and don't they who partake
g’won to make quite a brood…?
Here sit I dress’d in jodhpurs;
my bride’s donn’d a snood.
As for kids near the koi pond…? 
They're totally nude.
 
          …(elude...pseud-...ensued)...
 
     …has been heard, smelt and view’d
to have pitif'ly "moo"'d...
 
What's the "grub de millenium"…? 
China-ese food. 
It’s one scene de cuisine 
all have hotly pursued.
To enjoy four-whisk rest'rants,
my party's canoed.
(One's accessible 
via canal boats I've crew’d.)
 
          …(exclude...sued...extrude)...
 
     …she'll be rapidly "shoo!"'d
lest she "cop her a -tude"...
 
Sav'ries herein construed….? All call’d
'China-ese food': 
every dish is delicious – 
beaucoup ballyhoo'd. 
When we sang for our supper,
near nobody boo'd, 
though six shixsas (sic) murmur'd. 
(We rubes rank’d 'em 'rude.')
 
          …(preclude...spewed...protrude)...
 
          III.
 
     …i.e., mimic my mood,
while he, cummerbund trued...
 
Must the thrust of my etude stay 
China-ese food…?
To the key to its 'sprit 
am I secretly clued…? 
Yes, by Cantonese coolies
who're duly tattoo’d. 
(Note those pics on their pecs: 
aren't some skin artists crude…?)
 
          …(screw’d...shrew'd...skew’d)...
 
     …after tuning his oud
the dude play’d as he wooed...
 
What are you to conclude in re
China-ese food…?
Just that some of it's beef'd; more's pork'd;  
none of it's gnu'd;
that its misuse of goose
now's been loosely review’d.
The consensus…? My sense is: 
geese best be eschew’d.
 
          …(spewed...who'd...?...you'd...?)...
 
     …Himiltrude, al-Aboud:
this day both have since rued.

The Audacity of 'Ope-n' (Unpub)

Prologue (‘open a’ through ‘open c’)
 
     Open
(Andre's autobio) open’d –
in the open air’ll
     strike, oh, so
close to home, 'twill prove a tome
you'll open at your per’l.
     Like
open bars, this open book
reechoes drink reorders.
     Like  
cocktail dresses, open back’d,
it breaches open borders.
     In
open cities, texts like these
flaunt open-carry laws,
     as shut and
open cases lead to loads
of open-court guffaws.
 
End of Prologue
 
Part the First ('open d' through 'open j')
 
     "Poor
port-a-janes urge open drains," eggs 

Ag. "Ya see…? Flow's fine-ish. 
     Open
doors -- set policy! -- stay open 

every night 'til nineish."
     "Open 
fire!" bays Andre, running open 

field. "Give chase...apace! 
     Let's hope no
single sandwich leaves this court -- 

unless it's open-face."
 
     Ker-
plucking on his open grill in 

open G-string tuning,
     Ag be-
rates the open grates which open 

government is ru'ning.
     When
Steffi, spouse, holds open house, her 

manner's open handed:
     "Eine
open heart -- mit surgery…? Nein, 

nein: not 'rekommanded.'"
     It’s
op'ning day: To open JAR files 

be a jarring need.
     Let's hope nine
"jars" are open in a jiff. (Adds 

Steffi: "Yeff, indeed!")
 
End of Part the First
 
Entr'acte ('open k' through 'open m')
 
     Steffi's
open kimono breeds

open-lip kisses (the
start of a smart open 

marriage),
     while Ag's open
mouth, unrehears’d, hollers,

"Open me first!" – though they'd
best choose siesta at 

their age.
 
End of Entr'acte
 
Part the Second ('open n' through 'open y') 
 
"Open nose; then insert ring!" sings
one. "We're open Sunday!" 
     ''Try the
barbecue," insists the second.
"Best comestible, 'tis reckon’d.
Open pit has never beckon’d
You…? You'll try it...one day!" 
 
Open quickly; open road and
“Open Sesame!”
     Open season; open to (the 

public…and it’s free).
     Open up (your heart and let the
sun come shining in).
     Open vowels; open windows;
Open West (Berlin).
     Open Xmas (Eve, ‘til midnight). 
Open your valise!
     “Open… Open…” (Andre’s hopin’
we’ll desist and cease.)  
 
End Part the Second
 
Epilogue ('open z')
 
     "Andre:
Open ze pie hole und 

button ze ey'z,
     eef'n
Steff eez to geev you your 

zuper zuprize."

Periodiotic Table (Past)

     Introducing molecules consisting of elements 

not occurring in Nature.
 

Molecular Pelosi:  Ta  K  Es   No  K  Ra  P

Molecular Trump:  S   H   Uut   Uup

Molecular January Sixth:  No  Mo

Molecular November 3rd:  I    V   O   Te

Molecular Extravagance:  O  P  Ra  H

Molecular Fruit Loop:  La  Dy  Ga  Ga 

Molecular Cavities:  Co  Ca  Co  La

Molecular Elf:  Cl  Au  S

Molecular KKK:  Ni  *  *  Er

Molecular GOP:  Fe  Ar

Horn Book (Unpub)

Horn o' plenty. Horn o' dearth.
Blow your horn for all you’re worth.
Horn & Hardart. Horn anglaise.
Lena Horne or Lady Day…?
Horner, Jack loves Horny Jill.
Hornbills won’t, though whippers will.

Foghorn Winslow. Trader Horn.

Auroch. Narwal. Unicorn.

Seven HaiKu (Unpub)

      HaiKool
Menthol cigarette;
70-millimeters:
Willie the Penguin.
 
     HaiKualalumpur
Malaysian city;
Tin mines there; ‘lumpur’ means “mud”:
Best to speak Malay!
 
     HaiKublaikahn
King of the Mongols;
or, A Vision in a Dream…
Person from Porlock…?
 
     HaiKubrick
A Space Odyssey;
“Open the pod bay doors, HAL”:
“I am afraid, Dave.”
 
     HaiKukla
Oliver Dragon:
Burr Tilstrom, Fran Allison:
Kuklapolitans.
 
     HaiKuKluxKlan
White supremacy;
Conical hats, masks and robes:
Birth of a Nation.
 
     HaiKushner
Senior advisor;
Nepotism…? No big deal.
Father pleads guilty.

Hark! Hark! A DIY Doggerel (Unpub)

Hark, hark! Some dogs do bark.
Miss Brodie’s creator’s call’d _________________.
One white former rapper was named __________.
And Inspector Clouseau hears a _____________ .
 
Hark, hark! Do dogs not bark…?
In Happy Days Fonzie’s caught _______________.
An old English garden’s in ___________________.
Which grunt ran for President…? ______________.
 
Hark, hark! Dogs tend to bark.
The Hundred Years’ Warrioress…? _____________.
“Yo’ mama’s a ‘ho’” is a tasteless ____________.
And Pilgrims at Plymouth Rock must ___________.
 
Hark, hark! Don’t your dogs bark…?
Columbia’s famous guerilla group…? ___________.
Kern, via Evans, sings ______________________.
Agent Ness was one touching untouchable ______.
 
Hark, hark! Few dogs don’t bark.
Deep Space Nine’s close-fisted publican: ________.
Most spit on Penn Warren’s corrupt ____________.
Sir Lawrence Olivier’s kid’s nicknam’d __________.
 
Hark, hark! Dead dogs won’t bark.
One measures some angles in ________________.
Yogi, a bear, wanders _______________________.
While dogs, left unanswer’d, continue to ________.
 
     Speaking of answers: Muriel Spark, Markie Mark,
shot in the dark, Saint Joan of Arc, jumping the shark, 

disembark, Battersea Park, Wesley K. Clark, remark, 

FARC, Up with the Lark, narc, Quark, Willie Stark, Tarq, 

minutes of arc, Jellystone Park, and, of course, bark.

Teddy Fare (Unpub)

     You agree'd to make piles of fried rice…? 

You need heed a Rough Rider's advice. 

     President Theodore Roosevelt's most-frequently 

quoted maxim must surely be his famous 

     "Walk softly and carry a big stick."

 

     Less widely known is his counsel to a young 

Asian-American pal and fellow hero of the charge 

up San Juan Hill, a counsel consisting of advice 

regarding the successful prep of what would 

become this friend's -- indeed, this future White 

House chef's -- signature dish: Colonel Roo's 

Felt Chicken:

     "To carry this off, Li Yan, stick with a big wok!"